I once entered a pun writing contest.

In fact I actually submitted 10 entries.

I didn't win though, no pun in 10 did.

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Yet another waste of space and of no use to anyone dealing with diabetes.

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I think humor is a good thing, especially if you can laugh at your problems. I have several cartoon jokes about diabetes. and they are very funny. Laughter is good medicine.

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Have you read the book, Ten Miles to the Outhouse? Written by Willie Makeit? Illustrated by Betty Don't.

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I get a e-mail every day called Joke-of-the-Day. Laughter helps a lot. Cara

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Laughter is one of the best thing there is to most to deal with it.

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We can't be serious all the time. We need some jokes and laughter.

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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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A good thread Diane. I developed a sense of humor very early in my lifetime. I was diagnosed when I was 6 and we had no knowledge of how I should care for my diabetes. Without being able to laugh frequently every day I don't think I could have made it through my 63 years of diabetes. There is a lot of truth in the old saying "laughter is the best medicine". I will post some jokes later.

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LOL!!!!!!!!!

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Last edited 10 months ago

A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

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If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

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Did you hear about the magician that turned the corner into a parking lot?

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Excuses, Excuses...

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

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Drunk Driver
A police officer noticed a car swerving all over the road. He stopped the car and asked the driver to get out of his car. "Could you please blow into this breathalyzer." "I can't," replied the man, "I'm asthmatic."
"Could you please give me a urine sample then?" asked the officer. "I can't do that. I'm diabetic." the man replied.
"In that case, can I have your blood sample?" asked the officer. "I can't do that either, I'm a hemophiliac."
"That leaves one option." said the officer, "Could you please walk along this yellow line." "I can't do that either." said the man. "Why not?" asked the officer. "I'm drunk."

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(Not my personal story, by the way!)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

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An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last week we went to a fantastic seminar on how to improve your memory. It was really great and I would highly recommend it.'

The other man said, 'What's the name of this seminar?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know...the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yah, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Hey Rose, what's the name of that seminar we went to last week?'

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

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Diane this thread is a winner. Thanks!

On some other site members attach "signatures" to their posts. It aooears beneath every post they make. I will have to start making notes and telling you some of them. Some are famous quotes and others are funny. Here are a couple I like:

"Chocolate makes your clothes shrink."

"Veni, vici, velcro." I came, I saw, I stuck around.

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The Pillsbury Doughboy, a great icon of the entertainment community, died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough. Plus, they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

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Last edited 10 months ago

Inner Peace


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

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Energy Drinking...

A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger in Los Angeles.

It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time. The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up.

But it didn't. He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover! Bill's phone rang, it was Bob. Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"I feel great!" replied Bill.

"I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?" "No. That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover. We ought to do this more often!"

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"What?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No..."

"Well, don't, because I'm in New York!"

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Last edited 10 months ago

If you've ever been unimpressed by a particular someone, here are some slightly more tactful ways for you to express yourself...

1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts

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Video humor. Carol Burnett clip.
http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=1086

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Alabama . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Michigan . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

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Last edited 10 months ago

Little Johnny's at it again...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

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It was so cold this morning that when I sat my coffee on the back step to cool, it froze so fast the ice was still warm.

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Practical Viewpoints on the Bailout Plan

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some buttholes in Washington .

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TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours,fly around and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people,
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and,
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

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ATTENTION: I ADDED A JOKES #2. THANKS

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The Department Of Defense briefed the new president this morning. They told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a brazilian?"

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This was the best thing I read all day.
Especially the part where the rotten egg wants to spoil everything.

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