I am really having a down day; I have my husband and his diabetes (meals,packed lunches, snacks, and everything else that goes along with that-research; constantly trying to learn new things; new meals; exchanges; values; how much of this, how little of that and on and on.
And then there is my brother, who is a couple years older than me; MIA (disconnected himself from family for 10 years)living here, broke and disabled; sure. The only disability I see is the ability to do anything himself more than once a month.
And my daughter; who means the world to me, she is doing her externship, ater 2 non-stop, no vacations, culinary school.. And she needs a place to stay with her dog, while she completes one and a half more months of the last part of schooling; and I can't help her; a tiny bit financially, and she can sleep on my house but her big dog and my two little ones do not get along anymore so she's been looking for a place to go. Of course, if my brother did not have our only extra room; I could accomadate them.
And then there is me; yeah, remember me, cause I don't, I forget about my needs esp. my physical health, which at this time is not good at all. I walk with a cain; have no feeling in my feet, hands and other parts of my body and am in constant pain. I won't take any pain medication until I am completely done with the groceries (which I am not supposed to lift), the wash, vacuuming (also not supposed to do) actually; I am not supposed to be doing much of anything right now; especially since there is a fear of a very serious diagnosis for me, when my doctors get done testing; which will be mid October.
But, I go on; I am so tired, so depressed, but I need to go every day until I FEEL I have completed everything I need to do; for my family.
But how do I fit me into the Plan?
How do I take care of my needs, when I am taking care of others?
How can I take time without feeling guilty?
I guess I am afraid; I'm afraid I won't be able to learn and teach and help my husband survive, before I leave this world; cause that is what I am afraid is going to happen to me right now.
And, I am afraid I will never have the time I need or want to spend with my daughter; and she is so very important to me. I had her alone; raised her alone for 12 years, and she is the best thing that came out of my life beside my husband. I don't want to leave her too early, like my mother did to me. I'm just not ready; but then I probably won't ever be ready.
I guess I am just feeling down, so I am feeling sorry for myself.
I just want it all; the husband, the family; the time.
I need so much, myself, that I guess I am really afraid that I won't be able to save my own health, BUT I CONTINUE TO DO…
Sorry that I am rambling, kind of got lost in my thinking.
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