Husband's being a jerk...

Uey2
By Uey2 Latest Reply 2011-01-03 12:38:11 -0600
Started 2010-12-30 11:35:11 -0600

I was diagnosed with type 2 about three weeks ago. My husband is being such a jerk. He keeps saying that it is my fault that I am diabetic just because I don't take vitamins and because of my eating habits (I used to not eat breakfast). Shoot, I'm the one who buys a candy bar and it sits in the cupboard for weeks until I either go to the movies or when I feel like something sweet which isn't too often believe it or not. I am starting to resent him and am a very angry person now. My daughter says to stop talking to him about my diabetes because he doesn't understand that it is a lot to do with heredity. My thyroid also went sky high, 450.500 (Normal is 4.500) which could also account for the diabetes. I'm about ready to walk out if he says one more thing to me about anything to do with my condition. I'm eating right, now and doing the whole carb and balance thing, taking my meds but it's hard when I have no support from him, just grief. It's long…sorry.


11 replies

CaliKo
CaliKo 2011-01-03 12:38:11 -0600 Report

Welcome to diabetic connect. I agree with those that have said to give your husband time to adjust. It is a scary diagnosis. And also Ray's advice to get counseling if necessary. Your anger may be partly a reaction to the diagnosis, many of us go through some or all of the stages of grief with a diabetes diagnosis, (denial-anger-depression-etc.) so you need to give yourself time as well. I also found in the beginning months of my diagnosis that as I brought my blood glucose levels down, I was often very, very irritable — and I think that's pretty common. It leveled off after being on my meal plan for a few months. The blame game is pointless and useless. The important thing now is to get educated and into a routine that takes care of your diabetes, which it sounds like you are doing, and as Gabby says, its important for those around you to know what to do if you are in crisis, so don't give up on your husband. Good luck! We're here for you.

Dev
Dev 2011-01-02 10:37:36 -0600 Report

If you are just diagnosed, give him some time. When my husband was diagnosed I was so angry at him. I had been telling him to get a check up done for two years and I kept thinking that if he had just listened to me then he would have been pre-diabetic. That he was selfish to bring it on him.

Now that I reflect on it, I was so scared that something will happen to him. That I wouldn't be able to do anything. I felt so helpless and it came out as blaming him for puting me in that situation. I know it is warped. But as others have said, people have different reactions some out of fear and some out of ignorance.

Things that helped us get over the blame game were going to the diabetes education sessions together.
I read this small booklet called Taming the Tiger. It is written in a simple language and really helpful for people just diagnosed and I thought that might be helpful to share with your husband. I had posted the link some time back in the discussions. I will post it here again once I find it.

Also, another thing that helped was when I got a clear indication from him as to what I can do to help. Feeling of helplessness was the worst part and still is the worst part in the whole process for me.

tomecom
tomecom 2011-01-02 09:38:02 -0600 Report

It might help to read a section in the Diabetes Primer which is "the cause of diabetes". It explains how many lifestyle habits that even your husband practices, contributed to the manifestation of your diabetes. Your genetics did the rest.

We all spent many years eating prepared foods, processed flour, caffeine, fats, table salt, homogenized dairy, artificial sweeteners, sodas colas alcohol and more thinking that they were ok. There have been a lot of changes in our diet that we have no control over.

You can get a free copy of the Primer by going to CNET.com and typing the name (Diabetes Primer) into the search box at the top, then download it. You will also learn a great deal about diabetes in the process. It also has a large glycemic index table that will help plan meals.

Graylin Bee
Graylin Bee 2011-01-01 17:06:46 -0600 Report

Welcome to DC. People who don't understand what Diabetes is about often say things that come across as cruel and insensitive out of ignorance. Hopefully your husband will decide to learn. It sounds like your daughter is giving you support. Also, as others have posted, this site can give support to you.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2010-12-31 17:56:53 -0600 Report

Like cancer, a diagnosis of diabetes triggers all kinds of emotions. Not just in you, but also in your family. While I agree, that your husband is being callous, there may be an underlying fear in his heart as well that is making him act that way. A lot of times we forget that we are not the only one with the diagnosis.

To a spouse, it means things change in the way that was working before. What would he do without you? What does he have to change to help you? All kinds of selfish thoughts fill our heads. There could be a sense of failure from his side and maybe that is why he wants to blame you?

If there are children, there can be the fear of not knowing if mommy is going to be okay. There was a member here whose 9 year old daughter basically had to save her life while "family adults" gathered around and told her the get herself together. In a church no less!! So ignorance is a HUGE factor.

So while you don't want to whine and complain about it to him. You still need to keep an open dialogue with him. He needs to know what to do if you experience a low or a dangerous high. He needs to be aware of signals to keep an eye on you when you cannot talk for yourself. He may be a rock that you are banging against right now. The thing is to make him your rock of support down the road.

We are here for you to learn from, cry with and laugh with. You can vent here so you can save the marriage from those issues. We will do what we can to help you out. Hang in there and look at the new year as a new start, for all of you.

shorty1965
shorty1965 2010-12-30 21:31:36 -0600 Report

Listen your daugther is right u have to stop talking to him about it.I came here for help because i don't have one either and it's hard.ur daugther is your suport team that's all you need and we are here for you to we are all in this together.Come with us so you can make it through them hard times .I cry because i know i can't do it by myself and i don't want to scare my kids sometime when i don't feel good and sometime i don't want them to know i'm scared myself i hear a lot of stories and i have some of them same problems.But just being here talking to people that know how i feel i feel better.How old is your daugther it seems that she got your back so make sure that you and her keep your talk lines open and be there for each other always.Let her know that it's just as hard for her as it is for you to have to live with it.make all your time u2 spend great and close.My daugther has it to she is 24 and she is having a hard time dealing with it like i am.My mom has it and she is not to healthy and my sister has it to and i think my youngest son has it but he won't get checked out so i have a lot to deal with.we are all in each others prayers and taking it one day at a time much love to all on here that is trying to change and make there life better.

RAYT721
RAYT721 2010-12-30 21:06:38 -0600 Report

There is a no doubt that a strong system of support is necessary. You are in the right place for that. While we cannot help with the insensitivity you are experiencing from your spouse, I would encourage you to consider counseling whether it is strictly for you to learn ways to cope with the negativity or at least to boost yourself up to accomplish the great things that you are capable of. You need to come to terms with what you can and cannot do. Some things are in your power while other things are not. It's important to know the difference. If you have insurance many times a counselor will be covered through that; however, if you don't look into calling the United Way Services in your area or looking through the phone book for "community service agencies." You should not have to go through all of this by yourself and without support and encouragement. We are here for you. If you need a friend, count me in!!! I have been in bad relationships and good ones. I understand. Taking action, however, is up to you but don't make rash decisions without thinking things though. There are pros and cons to each entry on your "to do" list. Again and seriously, I am here if you need someone to vent to. Click on the photo of the insane cat with the reindeer antlers and "add friend."

Harlen
Harlen 2010-12-30 18:26:14 -0600 Report

Hello and welcom
He may be scared too you know ???
You do not do this to you if you get it you where always going to get it.
Keep you the great work and there is a lot of suport here and your welcome here. give him time he may come to understand and he may not ?
Your daughter seams to be verry bright.
Best wishes
Harlen

realsis77
realsis77 2010-12-30 15:34:27 -0600 Report

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is reacting this way! Knowledge is power and it sounds like he needs to be educated on diabetes so he can understand that it is not your fault you have diabetes. There are contribuating factors but its not your fault! Too much mis information is circulating around about diabetes! I'm 110 ponds and have type two so its not weight that causes it I'm living proof of that! Its tough when family isn't supportive but you have a wonderful supportive"family" here that cares about you and will support you whenever possiable! Hang in there, take care of yourself and take your medicine . Good luck to you!

BandonBob
BandonBob 2010-12-30 11:42:16 -0600 Report

I'm sorry to hear that you have such a problem. First yoiu didn't necessarily give yourself diabetes. There are many contributing factots that combine to give you diabetes. In my case it was allowing myself to get too heavy when I had andefinite hereditary factor to get it. My mother and my brother and sister all got it before me and I should have seen the handwriting on the wall. The good news is that you are beginning to take control and that is the thing that is important. You have also found a great site to help you with information, friendship and support. Take care and we are here to talk if needed.

Uey2
Uey2 2010-12-30 20:53:33 -0600 Report

I didn't realize how much I needed a support group until now. I almost didn't join diabetic connect. I've only got the diagnosis about three weeks ago. It took me 20 minutes before I got the nerve to even poke myself with the lancet, lol. Thank god I'm not on insulin…needles scare me. This is why I'm bound and determined to keep it under control. I've lost a grandmother already. I've also lost two best friends (both from the same family) from diabetes (they didn't take very good care of themselves when we were kids). Things have changed from 20 years ago and there is so much more information out there now. I feel confident that I can keep tis under control.

I appreciate your kind words. It's nice to know I have a support group here. Thank you all. I'm feeling better already.

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