Come join My Pity Party At Your Own Risk

By weigh2sweet Latest Reply 2010-12-29 09:29:43 -0600
Started 2010-12-25 19:26:48 -0600

Is there anyone around with so much holiday joy ie… happy family, good health and luck, loving pictures, wonderful gifts, blessed beyond belief, etc.. that to read my sad tale, will be enable to inspire and guide, and not be brought down by my general sense of depair?

im 49, female, live with my boyfriend who has a host of medical ailments too numerous and cumbersome to explain on here, was laid off march 2010 (i was a scientist for a major pharm co, big bad Pfizer acquired us and laid me off), my mom has alzheimers, my dad finally relented and placed her in a home for which he is extremely lonely and starting to act out, a bit, in poor choice making and is feeling very needy. i was an adopted child and located my birth parents in the 80s. the relationship was ok for a number of years but life got in the way and i lost touch for awhile. while trying to reestablish contact, my bio mom contracted leukemia and died post bone marrow transplant. we never really did reconnect and now the chance is gone. my bio dads a bit goofy and a bit of a playboy. bio sis and bro (who my bio parents did keep, they were born many years after i was given up) have their own active lives and dont really need me or think of me. they are still, also, mourning the sudden death of our bio mom to whom they were quite close. they both have a huge support system and dont need me for comfort or truly even care about how im dealing with all this. in my adopted family, im the only child so have no siblings to share this with.

no wonder that im 5'3" and weigh 265! food is my friend and fills my sad heart and soul. and its become a bad bad habit, as well, over the years. so big surprise that i became diabetic like 3 years ago, or so at the age of 46. oral drugs failed. started taking insulin (levemir) a fewonths ago and still dont have sugar under control. i know i need to return to endocrinologist to discuss this and perhaps i need a diff type of insulin, based on my poor eating habits as he has me taking a shot every evening (and have been adjusting the units since sugar still high) and while i still take the insulin each nite, religiously, my sugar still high and my eating out of control. i was 255 before levemir, im now 265, ravenous always, depressed and angry at myself beyond belief. some days i dont care. today i do. i have spent the last few days in constant tears and misery; angry and jealous of everyone, sad about everything and every choice i make.

im a strong woman and very smart and capable but am distraught. my feet are constantly burning and aching and often feel like ice. if i sleep too long, i awake to icecube feet till i swing my legs down and allow blood to flow into them. i often can hardly walk and have to take slow small steps.

with 40 units levemir/evening, my sugars 265 or so. sometimes higher. ive been bad and havent taken it at various times. i vascilate between "i dont care" to "please help me. God!"

i plan to call endocrinologist office on monday to make appt to come in and discuss all this with him. i want to start loving myself again and caring about my health and well being. if i dont, nobody will. only i can do this, i know. but i admit i need help. i recalled i had joined this website sometime back so here i am, posting for the 1st time, wondering of theres anybody around who can relate to, or has experience with others whove suffered through, this tale of woe, who may be able to hold my hand or be there for me, to some capacity. i know its asking alot. or maybe its not, i dont know. ive never been a group person but am willing to put myself out there to try and save my life.


20 replies

Two painful feet
Two painful feet 2010-12-27 23:08:08 -0600 Report

I'm here for you anytime you need a shoulder. I disabled due to polio when I was 18 months old in 1948. So I home most of the time and can listen as long as you need me to. You have been through alot but God never gives us more than we can handle. Also every trial we go through makes us stronger.Your feet are hurting and burning from your bs being to high. You need to drink as much water as you can during the day. Have salads and a small amount of protein and get some exercise. If your feet hurt to bad to walk, then sit and kick your legs. Start slow on the exercising. I'm to sick most days to try to exercise but do some leg moving when I can. Anyway just wanted let you know I'm here for you.

Your Friend

Pynetree 2010-12-27 12:14:42 -0600 Report

Wow…more bumps in the road make the journey tougher (but more interesting!) You are on the right track to healthy. I wish you strength!
p.s. DC is a great site…bring it here…lots of answers and support!

Pamiekae 2010-12-27 10:04:05 -0600 Report

You've taken the first major step by reaching out. There is a great bunch of people here that will be more than willing to help you. A suggestion for you to do before you go into your doctors appointment is to make up a few lists. The first list is one of your eating habits. What you eat, how often you eat. And be honest on it. Don't worry about how much it is or what foods are on the list. The list is for you to go over with the doctor and see what foods you need to stay clear of and help him understand the eating habit that he needs to work with to correct. The second list is the emotions you've been feeling over the last year. Especially since you were laid off. Note the different occurances that helped influence those feelings. This list will also help the doctor know what has been going on so that he can help you and with the depression and how it effects you with the first list. The last list is one for yourself mainly. Draw a line down the paper and write the things you want to do and changes you want to see happen in your life over the next new year on one side of the page and on the other write the things you see as destructive and need to change or want to see change in your life. Then put that list away til after you've gone to the doctor. Once you've had a good long talk with him/her and have set a game plan set up, and it may be more than one visit before you have it all planned out so don't be discouraged by that. But once you are feeling secure on what direction you are going with the doctor, take back out that list and another piece of paper. See how many of those changes have already started taking place and how many of those on the second side have gone away or changed for the better. It gives you a goal to strive for and makes you feel better as you can look at it and say, "I've done that!" I know it sounds silly and crazy to think it would help, but the counselor I was sent to had me do this, and it really helped me when I couldn't really talk to the doctor and voice out loud things, I could just show him the lists. And the last list helped with the depression I was sinking deeply into. The biggest thing is to do just like you did when feeling so bad, sit down and reach out to the people here on the site. They are a great bunch of people and are always here to listen and help in any way they can. Good luck to you sweetie, and keep in touch to let us know how you are doing!

GabbyPA 2010-12-27 10:26:16 -0600 Report

These are great suggestions!

Pamiekae 2010-12-27 11:06:18 -0600 Report

Thanks Gabby. They really helped me in the past three months. I was heading downhill fast and a friend insisted on taking me to see a social servies worker who really helped me. She found a counselor for me and is trying to help me find assistance for medical bills. At my first counceling visit, right before I left she told me to make the lists and we discussed them on our next visit and then I took the first two to my next doctors visit. I was horrible at telling him how I was feeling and because of memory problems had trouble thinking of all I wanted to say to him. The lists told him what I was doing and when I was doing it and how I was handling emotionally all of it. Now my numbers are doing better and I am feeling much better and finally feel like I'm handling things again. And like I said, this site is a great place to turn too when you need a friendly word to help you just get through the moment, the day or the week. I don't often write responses, but I do read the discussions daily and take what is said and put it to my own use.

GabbyPA 2010-12-27 11:13:45 -0600 Report

I have always made a list of questions for my doctor, but I have not ever made a list of what I was feeling. Sometimes I guess I felt like that was an excuse. Like my last visit, I really wanted to tell him that my husband almost died, he was in the ER 3 times in two months and he had been bed ridden for over 3 months (doing well now, thanks to surgery) Plus we had to put our family pet to sleep. It was quite a horrible fall for me and my numbers showed it. There was slight improvement from my last visit, but I felt I really had failed and didn't want to make excuses for myself. But I have to say...It was one of the hardest times I have faced in my life. Thanks for the suggestion. I will have to give it a try.

Pamiekae 2010-12-27 12:14:25 -0600 Report

Oh please do! It helped my doctor soo much. I felt that way at first, but when I took the list back to my councelor and talked about why it was so short when so much was going on with my family, both parents health is very bad, daughter was sick and kept saying couldn't take off work because she is only one bringing in money as I can't work, lost an Aunt to Diabetes and a Great Uncle from a heart attack within two weeks of each other and my COPD medicine had me covered in a rash and so sick for almost the entire summer that had me miserable. None of that was on my list. When I left that day I had a full page of things instead of just three items on it. It's so easy for us to overlook things or consider them to small to be a factor, or as you said feel as if we are just making excuses and then so hard for us to tell our doctor things. My doctor was shocked and became a lot more understanding about my numbers and depression once he knew everything. Plus just getting it all on paper gives me such a release. Once I come home, I pull out my third list and check off things that have changed and sometimes add more things to the list so I know what I need to work on, or put a goal towards. I've gotten my numbers from the 200's down to 150's to the last few weeks holding steady at the 120's range. I'm hoping by the end of January to be down and stay down to the 100 range. I've mananged to lose 30 pounds that I couldn't lose before and made it through the holidays without over doing the foods and making many of my desserts into sugar free items. I buy little store bought premade foods. I always make my own cookies, cakes and candies so to finally switch out the recipes from heavy on sweet to sugar free was a big thing this year for me. The goal I added after my last appointment at the beginning of this month was to make it through with stable numbers and not let myself get depressed over the holidays. So if I can make it through this next weekend without getting into a crying jag or overdoing on the eating of sweet and rich foods I'll be really happy.

Try the lists, and let me know in a month or so or after your next appointment how it works for you!

GabbyPA 2010-12-29 09:29:43 -0600 Report

I know I vented a lot here about my fall, it helps a lot. I guess I just never figured my doctor would really care...but those things are part of what make us struggle with our numbers for many reasons. My next appointment is not until March '11, so I will see what I do then. Thank you.

GabbyPA 2010-12-26 23:41:55 -0600 Report

I find sometimes when I put everything on the page (or screen) it becomes more manageable. Sometimes it also ads some perspective that lets me know I can handle this. I think it's a great exercise it getting real with where we are at and it seems to have put some things in line for you as well. I am a firm believer in life lessons and how they prepare us for future challenges. You have been through a lot and that allows you to be able to relate to so many people. It also allows others to relate to you and help you through with things that worked for them.

There are so many people here who have been through things that I am sure you will find the support and guidance you need. You have put your finger on the things you need to do...starting with loving yourself and taking the responsibility to do things for your self. That is a HUGE step in the right direction and if you keep that attitude, you will find that help is out there for the taking. It is so much easier to help people like you who want to help themselves. That team work will make all the difference in the world.

We are here to help in any way we can. Sometimes to save a life we might need to nudge as well as inspire, but we are here for you.

weigh2sweet 2010-12-26 15:49:36 -0600 Report

thanks everyone for your kind and direct responses. I was in a very bad way last night when i posted, so much so that i stayed downstairs sobbing (so as not to wake my boyfriend) who heard me anyway and came down to see what was going on. i hadnt had a crying spell like that in forever and felt much better afterward. It helped to type out my story and have you guys read and validate it. I wish that what i wrote was exagerated but none of it was. The accuracy of the facts saddens me and I so much wish none of it was my story, rather someone elses in some fictitous soap opera.

i did find that theres a depression board associated with these sites and will defnitely direct alot of this over there and keep my comments here limited to diabetes issues.

we have a snowstorm here in NJ and are expecting a foot by tomorrow. i hope my endocrinologist ofice is open tomorrow so i can make an appointment. i MUST address my high sugar and weight. i may need to take insulin right after or before i eat, rather than just one long acting shot of levemir each evening.

thanks again for reading and responding. i hope to get to know you guys more personally as i continue though this journey and offer my assistance/life wisdom/scientific knowledge/ and just basic sense of humor (you wouldnt know it by my writings of last night but im a girl with a major naughty sense of humor, and can out silly anyone anytime!

laura :)

squog master
squog master 2010-12-27 14:44:21 -0600 Report

Laura, We're here for you, even though we have to hold your hand through cyber space. Hope you got to the Dr. I'm in Joisey too. South Jersey. We got about 10" here.

jayabee52 2010-12-27 02:27:45 -0600 Report

Laura, when you are down about your diabetes, please feel welcome to bring your thoughts and feelings here. People with diabetes ("PWD") often have depression associated with our diabetes, and we know what it's like. So please feel free to dump your feelings here. Chances are many of us have felt the same way at one time or another. We've got people here at all stages of life and all stages of progression with this disease.

Of course we'd love to get to know you personally AND your "major naughty sense of humor". There are some folks who are just as funny, so you should get on fine here.

Blessings to you and yours


Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2010-12-26 10:41:42 -0600 Report

Hi Laura,

I can't add much to the great advice you are already received here. As you can see, you have found your way to one of the most supportive groups of people on earth. But I wanted to offer you a few additional words of support.

First, hi neighbor! I live in NYC and teach in NJ. I am very familiar with what's going on in the phama industry in this area and how it is affecting the job market. I'm sorry to hear that you have lost your job. And your job loss appears to be but one of many disappointments and tragedies that you have faced. You are have really been through it.

But as I read your post, I detected the voice of someone who is willing and able to face the challenges of life, who is taking responsibility for her health, and who intends to weather the storm and get better. I am not a physician, but I counsel individuals who are facing health challenges. As you suggested in your post, it all starts with admitting you need help and reaching out to get it.

It's reallly important to work closely with a good healthcare team, and it sounds like you are going to get that process going on Monday. And it's important to have the support of others who can share their own experiences as well as be there for you emotionally. Support is empowering, and the benefits of group support are multiplied exponentially.

You are on your way to making positive change in your life!

I'm glad you found your way to Diabetic Connect. I hope you will stay connected with your new friends. Keep us posted!

RAYT721 2010-12-26 01:38:53 -0600 Report

I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself. You have a story to share and you are sharing it. The only way to overcome any kind of obstacles is to face it and using common sense and an action plan, taking the steps that need to be taken. The fact that you are waking up means that today is the perfect day to start doing something, anything, towards healing emotionally and physically.

You cannot go back in time to be the weight you were, have the job you held, have the lack of medical issues as in the past. It's time, again TODAY, to pick yourself up and dust yourself off to make things different for today and tomorrow because what was in the past must be left there.

As much as many of us can care for and about you, it's you who needs to do whatever it takes no matter how hard it is to get your life under control. For those things, a specialist is necessary. You have your work cut out for you if you are truly getting fired up to accomplish what needs to be accomplished. Take a deep breath! You are neither helpless nor hopeless.

The doctor will be the main source for the medical side of things. He/she will have to work with you on the insulin and/or pills. You will have to work on the diet and exercise and weight loss side of things. But, this won't be a one day on and one day off kind of treatment plan. You must make up your mind to, as Nike says, Just DO it… and do it. You can never win half of a battle. Are you in it to win it???

It sounds like you will have to address the glucose levels and the pains in your limbs with your doctor. It sounds like you probably should start to eat healthier, exercise more, and make more positive changes to your life with positive people. As Home Depot says, "you can do it … we can help," but what is very important to know is that none of this will be easy and none of this will be an overnight success story of changing yourself and your family, losing weight, bringing your glucose to non-diabetic standards, getting rid of the inner and outer pains, and/or whatever targets you have on your to do list or action plan.

All of this will be one day at a time and with perhaps a 12 step program like change. If you stop with step one or two, you will be where you are today hopping on and off those steps faster than Lindsey Lohan gets in and out of prison.

It is without question hard to change behaviors so you are better off with baby steps rather than a complete overhaul of your life (mind, body and soul) overnight. Do something today. Do something tomorrow. Do something else in a week. Add things that are working and take away those things which aren't. That is how your medical treatments will go. There are no cures for everything that you have going on. Each obstacle takes focus and patience. One day at a time, one step at a time.

Drink more water to fill up with zero calories. Eat less food more often so that your body (and sugar levels) don't go into starvation mode. Your body still needs carbs, calories, fats, proteins and nutrients. Exercise a little more each day and don't think on your first day of a two hour workout. Choose healthier foods over less healthier ones. Celebrate your successes. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Love yourself for who you are.

You have a lot of ground to cover in your transformation. Be fair to yourself without beating yourself up over every thing. Challenge yourself. You can accomplish great things but you have to free yourself from the guilt of yesterday in order to make room for the champion of tomorrow.

What can I (or we) do to help you?

Jeannie Holmes
Jeannie Holmes 2010-12-25 21:03:44 -0600 Report

Most of us have been where you are at some point in our lives. This past year I have trying hard to get back to taking care of myself. I'm doing much better, but have a ways to go. Diabetes can get so overwheling that a lot of us shut down and go into denial. But- life is hard no matter what you are dealing with. Just hang in there and get up each morning and start over again. We are here for you! HUGS Jeannie

Harlen 2010-12-25 19:55:09 -0600 Report

I am all alone this year I am T2 aswell whent thrue the hole thing with the pills shots and now on the pump.I had a hard life growing up and I mean hard.
When things get hard its up to me to make better what I can and what I can not make better -let go and just deal with it. Yes its hard but so is life.
A lot of your pain may be your high #'s
It looks to me as you are going down the right path see your endo ,get your 3s down,I am not that smart but I do love me and wish to take care of me.
If not me then who will take care of me ???
I have never benn a group person but I do like it here there are lots of good frends here too .
You may right to me any time I will help in any way I can
Best wishes

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2010-12-26 10:24:06 -0600 Report

Hi Harlen, I appreciated your advice. It is about living life on life's terms. It's reallly wonderful that, while dealing with life's challenges, you can also reach out to others and offfer suupport. That says a lot about how you are as a person.