Is there anyone around with so much holiday joy ie… happy family, good health and luck, loving pictures, wonderful gifts, blessed beyond belief, etc.. that to read my sad tale, will be enable to inspire and guide, and not be brought down by my general sense of depair?
im 49, female, live with my boyfriend who has a host of medical ailments too numerous and cumbersome to explain on here, was laid off march 2010 (i was a scientist for a major pharm co, big bad Pfizer acquired us and laid me off), my mom has alzheimers, my dad finally relented and placed her in a home for which he is extremely lonely and starting to act out, a bit, in poor choice making and is feeling very needy. i was an adopted child and located my birth parents in the 80s. the relationship was ok for a number of years but life got in the way and i lost touch for awhile. while trying to reestablish contact, my bio mom contracted leukemia and died post bone marrow transplant. we never really did reconnect and now the chance is gone. my bio dads a bit goofy and a bit of a playboy. bio sis and bro (who my bio parents did keep, they were born many years after i was given up) have their own active lives and dont really need me or think of me. they are still, also, mourning the sudden death of our bio mom to whom they were quite close. they both have a huge support system and dont need me for comfort or truly even care about how im dealing with all this. in my adopted family, im the only child so have no siblings to share this with.
no wonder that im 5'3" and weigh 265! food is my friend and fills my sad heart and soul. and its become a bad bad habit, as well, over the years. so big surprise that i became diabetic like 3 years ago, or so at the age of 46. oral drugs failed. started taking insulin (levemir) a fewonths ago and still dont have sugar under control. i know i need to return to endocrinologist to discuss this and perhaps i need a diff type of insulin, based on my poor eating habits as he has me taking a shot every evening (and have been adjusting the units since sugar still high) and while i still take the insulin each nite, religiously, my sugar still high and my eating out of control. i was 255 before levemir, im now 265, ravenous always, depressed and angry at myself beyond belief. some days i dont care. today i do. i have spent the last few days in constant tears and misery; angry and jealous of everyone, sad about everything and every choice i make.
im a strong woman and very smart and capable but am distraught. my feet are constantly burning and aching and often feel like ice. if i sleep too long, i awake to icecube feet till i swing my legs down and allow blood to flow into them. i often can hardly walk and have to take slow small steps.
with 40 units levemir/evening, my sugars 265 or so. sometimes higher. ive been bad and havent taken it at various times. i vascilate between "i dont care" to "please help me. God!"
i plan to call endocrinologist office on monday to make appt to come in and discuss all this with him. i want to start loving myself again and caring about my health and well being. if i dont, nobody will. only i can do this, i know. but i admit i need help. i recalled i had joined this website sometime back so here i am, posting for the 1st time, wondering of theres anybody around who can relate to, or has experience with others whove suffered through, this tale of woe, who may be able to hold my hand or be there for me, to some capacity. i know its asking alot. or maybe its not, i dont know. ive never been a group person but am willing to put myself out there to try and save my life.
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