Self Hatred

By frail303 Latest Reply 2011-11-02 13:22:58 -0500
Started 2010-09-13 11:01:16 -0500

Everyday I wake up and start out the day feeling fine. By the afternoon I feel sick and can't function. I try to take care of myself but no matter what I do I can't get my diabetes under control. I don't want to die but I am so frustrated I give up. I am tired of taking pills. I am tired of taking shots. I don't want to die but being dead would be a lot better then living most days.

36 replies

Mickey/CCHT 2011-11-02 13:09:30 -0500 Report

I pray that you will find the strength to fight this. I'm sure you have people in your life that love you and want to keep you around. I could not have said it any better than BevK. Don't let D beat you, you beat it down. Keep fighting…know that you are not alone. We are all hear for you and you also have Jesus who walks with you. When you are having a really bad day, lean on Him. He is there for you always. I pray you find the strength to fight. God Bless you.

BevK 2011-10-30 01:56:19 -0500 Report

Oh Sweetie! Bless your heart! My cousin which had Type 1 diabetes from the time he was 12 was going through the same thing your going through. He had his ups and downs and as his health got worse, so did his outlook on life. My cousin was like a brother to me, I watched as his diabetes got worse, he lost toes, then part of his feet, he lost his eyesight, more happened as time went on,and at the young age of 29 he lost his life, his brothers lost their baby brother, and his son lost his Daddy. He gave up, and diabetes took over his life, and it wasn't pretty! Sweetie for your sake, for your loved ones sake, please don't ever give up!! I'm a diabetic myself, my motto is this," I have Diabeties, but it don't have me!!!". I know it's hard sometimes, but you have to be stronger than this evil beties, you fight Sweetie!!! After all it's your life, live it! I'm your Sister in arms, I know you can do this! God Love you, and may he bless you!!!

Old-n-Grey-n-Wiser 2011-10-30 06:08:50 -0500 Report

BevK, you sound like a very caring and strong person, I wish there were more like you in the world.
I think every one of us in this site should adopt your motto!!

BevK 2011-11-01 02:11:18 -0500 Report

Thanks Sweetie!! Caring hearts and strong minds!! You most certainly can adopt my motto, as a matter of fact I wish you would!! There is a stipulation that goes with it though, just one, when you say it, or write it,or speak it, I only ask that you believe it!! May God keep you safe, and Bless You!! Hugs and Smiles!! Bev

melota 2011-06-30 19:52:14 -0500 Report

I have been where you are more times then I want to think about. Just take one day at a time and never ever give up. Answers and success may be just around the corner. We are all here for you, and we all care So glad you joined this community, and you are never alone.

ochibeachgirl 2011-06-30 16:03:29 -0500 Report

Stick with it, you are doing better and we (DC) are here to support each other. Since I been here, the support is amazing.
I've had those days of not only self hatred but being suicidal, and hiding it from everyone so well, that when I finally spoke about it, everyone was shocked. My doc put me on generic Prozac at a time when everywhere you turned you were hearing bad things about it - I was so worried, but after about 2 weeks, my outlook improved. And that was about 9 years ago. I still get depressed at times, but when I think of all the good things in my life, I cheer myself up. >>

Anonymous 2011-06-30 15:22:28 -0500 Report

I know how you feel. I think the same thing some times, but after awhile I decided I had too many people to live for. I have my mother, my brother(Lord knows he couldn't function with out me), my father, my sister, my two very wonderful friends. If I begin thinking about it, I find that I'm an extremely selfish ans self rightous person and if I took my self away from them that would be falling in that pattern of everything I hated about myself. Diabetes is a demon we have to face, but look at those close to you, could they survive without you? I know my people couldn't. I'm a role model to others and if I took the easy way out, then they too would take the easy way out.

Gimpalong 2011-06-30 15:06:46 -0500 Report

Frail, please don't be so hard on yourself. Diabetes is challenge for all of us. We are here for you. Have you taken any of the classes to educate you about diabetes? The last one that I took last year surprised me with one of the issues of diabetes for some people. Depression can go along with diabetes. Has your doctor tested you, or explained what to do to help with the stress? I have had diabetes since 1992. I was put on insulin last year. I'm still struggling with the bg's. Take it one day at a time, baby steps. Keep reading the information on DC site, and you can gain a lot of knowledge that will be useful for you. When you feel so down, take a walk or get outside to feel the sun on your face, put a smile on your face, because that always makes people wonder what you're thinking, and just chuckle a little too. LOL. You put the smile on for you, it will make you think more positive about yourself, and laughter is a great medicine for the soul. Please take care of yourself. Each of deal with diabetes in different ways, the more we learn, the better we are eating the right foods, measure the amounts allowed, and weight the meat (proteins). I will praying for you and thinking about you. Just remember that you are special!! God Bless.
Lots of hugs and prayers,

Poppop1961 2011-06-30 14:56:45 -0500 Report

Try talking to your Doctor about lantis. Its a slow time release for a 24 hours. I take 20 units at bed time and another 10 in the moring. It has helped me alot.

Mistletoe 2011-06-30 13:13:01 -0500 Report

Dear Frail, I just recently joined DC and I can see all of these wonderful people reaching out to you that it brings tears to my eyes. We are all in this together and we are all rooting for YOU! We have all felt like quitting at times, but must keep on trying. Ten years ago I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and was scared out of my mind! I asked God to give me the strength to fight it and He did! Then because of the chemo I ended up with diabetes 2 so yet another battle to fight. One thing I know is that we grow stronger as human beings for fighting all these battles. Lots of hugs to you…God Bless You!!

Diaschm 2011-06-30 10:27:03 -0500 Report

Please do not feel this bad , we all get fed up but think of all the people that care about you. They want you to live and please go and talk to them about your feelings. You will be surprized about how important you are to the ones that love you. You are important to your friends on this site. Sometimes things seem really rough but keep on coming back to your friends on here as well as your friends at your home. Try to get out and do something different. Go to a park or volunteer to help someone. You will feel alot better. Keep on trying to connect. Let someone know how you are feeling, Please!! You will be in my prayers!

Jim Edwards
Jim Edwards 2011-06-30 10:20:26 -0500 Report

Hello Frail, If you don't mind, share with us all the meds you are on. I ask this not to invade your privacy, but because with the large amount of people that monitor this site, someone may be able to flag one of your meds as a possible source of your trouble. Example: when my doctor reduced my Metformin to once a day, my energy level increased. Still, some days my butt would be dragging. I changed 2 of the meds I take for depression and SAD to the evening and my energy levels increased, and I slept better. This will be a pain, but for 3 days, write down everything you eat or drink. This may help you to see trouble areas, especially foods that have a high # of carbs. Example, yesterday at camp, the desert was 1 large (about 3-4") chocolate chip cookie. I looked at the wrapper. 36 grams of carbs. This is more than 2 carb servings (15g=1 carb serving) I am allowed 3 carb servings per meal or 10 carb serving for a day. So, write to us, maybe we can help. Jim

MrsCDogg 2011-06-30 05:10:33 -0500 Report

Please keep coming back to this forum. There are days when I want to give up too. But, just knowing that I am not the only one dealing with all the stuff we have to put up with makes it a little more bearable. Kind of like we are all in this together. Hang in there.

NavyNerd 2011-06-29 23:40:33 -0500 Report

Definitely talk with your doc.. been down about it can be a treatable part of it. I understand just how you feel.. all my friends are out being active, I struggle to move around by the end of every day. My body feels like it is drowning in itself somedays, can't move, can't sleep, can't breathe sometimes, and its worse by night. I get so tired of the shots- 5 a day, but down from 7. I split up my pills because the sheer volume all at once was so daunting. Even taking one batch in teh a.m. and one batch in the p.m. makes me want to cry. Some days I just want to fall apart, it shouldn't be like this. But it was worse before.. a year ago my sugars were okay in teh a.m. and 500 by bedtime, and I couldn't get them down even with 200 units of insulin.

And then like a light in the dark.. About 6 months ago my GP who was taking care of my diabetes (an internist who watches everything for me because I couldn't find a good endocrinologist) found me a specialist, and even though its a 2 and a half hour drive, I went to see him. The new Endo said 'I have several patients just l;ike you!', I was not alone, and it was teh first time I had heard anyone say they had seen a patient like me. I almost cried for sheer thankfulness, it helped immenselyjust to hear that there were people struggling just like me. He had ideas on meds and regimines that nobody had brought up, because they didn't get that I wasn't just a fat lazy diabetic (and yes, those exact words came out of several doctors moths.. I left in tears from many offices, feeling like I was a failure and on the fast track to dead.) Hang in there.. talk to your doc, and if they blow you off, find another. If you work at it and it still isn't working, there can be other reasons.. depression, other metabolic issues, you name it. You just have to keep on looking, reading, talking to people, and you will find teh answers to get where you need to go. It has taken me 6 years to get from 'fat lazy diabetic who must want to die because she doesn't follow the diets' to You have a laundry list of issues, lets get them taken care of! I am still not there yet but I have found the path and it helps a lot.. the first thing I did was to keep on searching for a doc who could help me find that path, and when I did, stuff started to fall into place more easily.

wiggleworm 2011-03-12 14:15:56 -0600 Report

Self Hatred, I know exactly how you feel. I get so mad at myself for not taking better care of me. I go to bed and cry just about everynight. I have become so depressed. I had gestational with my last child. I took very good care of us. My doc was so proud of me! So, I figured this was pretty much a precursor to me getting diabetes down the road, and here I am, diabetic. I thought I'd take just as much care for myself as I did for my baby and I. But, no I don't. I'm good at taking care of others, not so good of taking care of me. I feel like crap most of the time. Good days are becoming far and in between. I NEED to feel better! I would like help eachother through this if you would like. I'm here if you'd like to talk. Take care my dear. :)

jayabee52 2011-03-12 14:42:48 -0600 Report

Please don't be a stranger here Wiggleworm! There are many many people here on DC who know what you're going through and can relate to you and perhaps share with you a better way.

amyspeer 2011-03-10 08:05:14 -0600 Report

Hi frail303, Please don not give up my friend you, will get better. Being a diabtic at times can be very frustrating, I Just want to encourage you to reach out and ask people to help you. Does the hospital where you live have a time for diabtics to get togther once a month and share with each other how they are doing with their diabtes. If so you should check it out and go to support groups. I know that the hospital around here have support groups that meet once a month to help people, and support them in their diabtes struggles, I have not been able to go to the groups myself yet But I am thinking about going to the support group for diabitics. I am asking you to please be my friend? I want to an encouragement to you. Have a great day. I will keep you in my prayers. Just do not give up on life.

MewElla 2011-03-10 07:42:44 -0600 Report

First, I want to congratulate you on stepping up to the plate and working hard at your diabetes. You are excercising, losing weight and taking your medications.This is a major step in the right direction. All of us deal with the depression from time to time, diabetes is a life long disease and we have to focus on it, even if we don't want to. But you know we have so many things going for us: 1. each day is a brand new start 2. we have an awesome support system here for each us to reach out to other diabetics day or night. Please don't get frusterated…keep taking those steps forward, I am proud of you.

frail303 2011-03-10 02:36:25 -0600 Report

I want to say Thank you for all the replies. Since the last posting, I have really started taking a look at my life. I went through 4 diabetic classes, I started working out at the gym, I started taking my medicine again. I am still somewhat depressed, but not to the point where I want to die anymore.
Mama Dee—Yes, I do believe in God and I go to church every Sunday.
I have lost a lot of weight. My counselor seems to think I am loosing it to fast. I don't know. All I know is that I dropped 6 sizes in the last month and I will be getting a new smile on the 18th.
Maybe I am going from one extreme to another, but at least my sugars' are not so high that they won't even register on my meter anymore.
Sorry, I'm rambling.
Again thank all of you for the replies. I guess all of you here are my support system because I don't have any support at home.
I'll keep in touch.

camerashy 2011-06-30 19:33:42 -0500 Report

that "I don't have any support at home" comment hit me where I live. I cannot explain the feeling it gave me, and to know that I'm not alone in that - well, just "well"

GabbyPA 2011-03-10 19:07:05 -0600 Report

This is good to hear. Forward motion is always appreciated no matter how large or small. Keep working and you will be amazed. The next post you will have is one of your great success. What an inspiration that would be.

Sidehack 2011-03-09 18:08:42 -0600 Report

Frail, you are not alone! Somedays I wish my heart disease would take over and put an end to this craziness! But I start the day on a positive note (somehow). You have to work at it everyday and some days will actually go your way. You will become more comfortable in dealing with your disease and more intuitive as to what you need to do to make it through the day. Do Not Give Up!

NanaMomNH 2010-09-25 09:45:43 -0500 Report

Hearing that you have Diabetes can cause depression, anger, denial etc. Please tell your Dr. about your feelings! And journal your day's then read them often. Maybe if you read how you feel you will soon see this is not the right way to be. And there are better reasons to live, your family, friends etc. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Mama Dee
Mama Dee 2010-09-16 00:17:58 -0500 Report

Happy day frail303 (for now),
I am not a diabetic but I am married to one. I don't know what to tell you to make you realize that you being here on earth alive is a blessing from God. I do not know if you are a believer that God died for our sins & rose from the dead so we could have a better live. I don't know if you realize that God never sleep nor do He slumber, He walks the floor all night. I don't know if you know that God said He will never leave nor forsake us till the end of time. But what I want you to know is that God has times in our lives that He turns tables over & we have to deal w/it rather we want to are not. Why because that is His way to get our attention. Another thing I want you to know is that God is not looking @ the situation we are in because He is w/us. He is looking @ how we react to the situation we are in. Let God have total control it will not happen over night but it can & will happen if you really want it to. For you will not die until God says it's time. One last thing God said we have not because we ask not you must have been speaking w/God because you are here. He said knock & the doors will be open well you must have knocked because you are here God has open the door for you to get involved w/a loving family here. Last but not least you must have been seeking for you are here. God gives us what we need when we need it (even when we don't know it are do not want to acknowledge it. Be blessed & know that you are favored in the name of Jesus.

Working 4 Jesus, & Loving it.
Mama Dee

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2010-09-15 23:41:03 -0500 Report

Hi! Does your physician know what you are going through right now? I would really encourage you to talk to your physician and see how you can work more closely on managing your medications, your diet, etc. Do everything you can to manage your condition. I can understand why you would be frustrated if you are not feeling at your best physically.

But don't ignore your emotions. If you are feeling depressed, and feeling that you don't know if you can face the challenges of living with diabetes, then I would also encourage you to get support. DC is a great starting place. I can see that you have a lot of concerned friends here who are sharing with you about their experiences. You may also want to consider finding a support group in your community that you can attend. It's important to be around people who care about you during this time. I would also encourage you to get in touch with a mental health professional who can help you to recognize your strengths, identify what is working in your life, and develop a strategy for having a more positive outlook.

Keep reaching out! I am thinking about you -- please keep us posted. You are not alone.

bicker68 2010-09-18 02:22:54 -0500 Report

frail303, I like what Dr. Gary has to say. If you may be in depression and may not realize it, it's a great idea to seek out a mental health professional. For I know how bad it is I suffer from Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Anxiety, and if they didn't have me on the meds I need I would be stir crazy or worse. I also understand hating to take all the medications, believe me I start off every morning with 12 pills plus my vitiamns, which doesn't include my inhaler usage a day or using my nublizer. But I realize I have to do these things to stay healthy, and I'm lucky that they are able to treat them and I'm also thankful for my meds have been cut back.
Please keep your chin up, it will get better.
Take care and May God Bless You,


RAYT721 2010-09-15 17:00:28 -0500 Report

Your condition sounds like a bit of depression is mixed in the loop with the diabetes and that's understandable. Dealing with both conditions requires work and there are agencies out there which may be able to help. Start with your doctor or local free clinic or someone who can help you set goals that are obtainable. When trying to do everyone on our own, we do get depressed. I don't have all of the answers for you but certainly will lend a shoulder if you need to talk, just send a private message anytime. Control is not about taking pills and shots and thinking everything will be fine. There are other legs to control like diet and exercise. You don't have to become a gym rat and you don't have to eat like a gerbil but make sure you're eating the right amounts at the right time and not just thinking that medication is enough. Sometimes a mix of medication and meditation may be required. Don't be so hard on yourself. There are plenty of others standing around waiting to do that for you. Take a few deep breaths and come up with a plan that will help you, your numbers, and your life get under control. We are here for you!!! Keep us posted.

speak up
speak up 2010-09-14 07:33:56 -0500 Report

You can not give up nor let the bastard win, and by that I mean that you can not let the diabetes be in control, you have to be the one in control, ask God to help. I feel frustrated at times with how this has changed my life, I dislike that I can not eat what I want and that I have to take all these stupid pills, but then I think about my animals and my daughter and I know I have to fight because they need me, I dislike running to the doctor having to test and remembering to test but I have had depression for years and have been on meds and they seem to work, I started walking every morning and hoping that I can get the levels where they need to be, but this is going to be a fight I will refuse to give up on, I will go out swinging. I will pray that you get the numbers under control and that you will gain a new strength to fight! Hugs and please understand that if you were gone your family and friends would miss you, but think of all you would miss, sunrises, sunsets and the changing of the seasons, no more birthdays, no more holidays and no chance to make a differance in someone's life because to someone you are the world, you were put here for a reason, God does not make mistakes! I always figure God gives me these road blocks to make me stronger and what ever he puts up one me I know he walks beside me and when I am wore out he carrys me, I only wish he did not trust me so much sometimes. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

GabbyPA 2010-09-13 19:02:06 -0500 Report

Sometimes when we think we are taking care, we are not being honest with ourselves and a fresh pair of eyes can help us find where we are lacking in our care. One thing that helps keep me "honest" is to journal my food, exercise, meds and emotions. Plus any other things that are going on in my life. Sometimes seeing it on paper separates us from our emotions and will allow us to see more clearly and find where we can make improvements.

It sounds like you let the worry and frustration of a day get to you and by the end you are just fed up. I can understand that. I get to that point to. My husband will tell you all the times I just bang my fist and say "why are my numbers that high?" I do it a lot.

I know that not everyone can do this without meds, but if you are tired of taking them, then I would say find some ways to get them reduced. Work hard. And I mean hard. Do something that is a huge sacrifice. An extra day of exercise or a strict cut in carbs or a high volume of raw veggies. Try something new and see if it makes a difference and let that little bit of difference fuel the desire to find out more.

One thing I know for sure that the only one that would feel death is better than life, is the one suffering. I cannot tell you that you would not feel better, but I can tell you that those you leave behind will suffer greatly when you're gone. It is a hard battle and it is fought every day. Take on the attitude of a soldier and you will thrive.

((hugs)) for you, you surely need some.

angelalock 2010-09-13 12:07:49 -0500 Report

i can honestly say i know what you're going through, frail. but please don't give up or lose hope. my diabetes was out of control for several years, but i've begun seeing an endrocranolist (i absolutely am positive that is spelled incorrectly. lol). he hasn't gotten it completely under control, but my a1c has gone from 13.7 to 6.9, so i am doing much better. i completely understand your depression. it sometimes seems so unfair to have to deal with this disease. all the doc visits, remembering to test and take your meds, making sure you eat correctly and having to sit and watch others eat the things you love but can no longer have. it can be really overwhelming at times. maybe you might consider looking into seeing a therapist (or even just talking to your pcp) and trying anti-depressants. i have been diagnosed with severe depression and i have been on anti-depressants for years. sometimes it takes trial and error to find the right med for you. what works for one person may not necessarily work for someone else. and often you have to take more than one at a time. i pray for you and your well being. i truly mean it when i say, i will always be willing to be a friend and a shoulder to lean on or someone to just listen with out judgement. ((((HUGS))))

Harlen 2010-09-13 18:20:51 -0500 Report

Hugs and best wishes

Robert C. H.
Robert C. H. 2010-09-14 11:18:28 -0500 Report

I know how you feel,I have a lot of other illnesess besides Diabetes so like you I wake up fine , but as the day goes by, my body begins to fail me, I have had 10 surgeries on my abdomen in the last few years and I am held together with mesh and I use Pain patches every two days but by the end of the seconed day I can hardly walk so I sit like a vegetable thinking this is no way to live, but I'm scared to Die, so I wake up and go through it all again.But I also say the serenity prayer, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the couragre to change I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. and it helps me make it through another day. and as said think of the people you leave behind, and the hurt it causes, I'll pray for you ,if you need someone to talk to I'm here i give you my Best Robert