By SILVERDOT Latest Reply 2015-02-19 18:03:09 -0600
Started 2010-07-04 18:27:42 -0500

I have always felt like the sick kid in my family. As far as I can remember at first Doctors thought I had Cancer (an experience I will never forgot as long as I live). I was 11 and sent to "Johns Hopkins Medicial Center" where one day I was there for my consultation, sitting with people my age and younger who truly had Cancer. I felt so bad for them and the thoughts of me being the same way. Although, I was the lucky one the physician doing my consultation took one look at me and told my parents your daughter does not have Cancer she has a severe case of Graves disease. So, I dealt with that for most of my school years. I eventually had what they call the Iodine treatment (a pill which is supposed to kill the hyperthyriod, but then you are put on pills for underactivethyriod). This treatment worked until the day came when I found out I was going to have my first child. I became hyperthyriod during my first month. I was managed with medication until my Endocrinologist took me off the medication about 8 weeks before my due date. Needless to say, I went into pre-term labor. Therefore, my daughter was born in thyriod crisis (major mistake of the Endocrinologist). Although, we found out too late to anything about it. Today though, she is a beautiful, compassionate, caring and adventurous 15 amost 16 year old. Then other things started like psoriasis, depression, insomenia and then the big D. First, I was told I had Type 2 and was put on medication. Numbers remained out of control so Primary Doc would change medication. I'd go to see Endocrinologist and he would get mad and change medication again. It was a back and forth thing until, I could not take it anymore and changed my health care provider and started the Joslin Center. They told me I was not Type 2 I was definately a Type 1 and started on Insulin. They think it's Late Adult Diabetic. I've read many posts on the site, and found out my feelings aren't just mine. So like some post that I've read I to have been bad at things I too should know better about. I too work in a Hospital setting where I'd say about 90% of our patients are poorly controlled Diabetics. I mean POORLY CONTROLLED. Wounds that are out of this world, no feelings of pain, lossing eyesight, lost limbs and those that just really give up. I do not want this, but there are days where something over comes me and I don't care. I've thought about ending it (I've came up with many creative ways), but my daughter, mother, friends and pets are to important to me. Currently, I'm out of work due to Carpal Tunnel Surgery and I'm into my fourth day of depression and for what I don't know. Like sometimes I feel like when I have sugery that is the only time I feel at peace. In the medicial field we call that the cocktail prior to surgery. Also, sometimes because of no support form my spouse I feel like I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. He hates to do anything sports, movies, friend dates and etc. I 'am not a home body. I feel like my spouse and I are more like roommates. We don't even talk sometimes. My best friend and supporter has been my beautiful daughter, but she is currently a teenager and is not there as much. I can't dislike her for that. Then, I find myself wanting to be in someone elses shoes. I know everyone has issues and problems, but for one day I'd like to be someone that doesn't have to worry about everything. I don't know maybe I'm just having a midlife crisis. Sometimes I also feel that when I'm sick or need surgery it is like my vacation because everyone is there for me. I'm sorry I'm new too the site, and just rambled on. I just needed to vent to someone, other then a Therapist. I feel like they are of no help at all and overpaid. Glad, I finally gave in and decided to share somethings with total strangers with the same feelings. I've been in denial for so long that I've refused support groups. I too know that God gives us what we can handle, but sometimes I feel he gives me too much at one time. Maybe he does this, because he knows I'm very good at multi-tasking. I also cry sometimes for no reason at all?? I think I'm done rambling again I'm sorry.

29 replies

suecsdy 2015-02-19 18:03:09 -0600 Report

Sometimes you just gotta get it out. We all have our own issues to deal with, and I think just writing it down helps us to handle our emotions and our mental health. I asked my pcp for a referral to mental health professional and have been approved. Tried to make an appt last week and was not successful. Is God trying to tell me something? Now I'm having second thoughts. I do know the friends I've made here at DC are invaluable. Someone is always willing to listen and offer a kind word. Ramble on.

Sopies Grandma
Sopies Grandma 2015-02-19 17:30:21 -0600 Report

I understand what your going through. I feel the same way, its all so overwhelming. I spend whole days crying over nothing. I am working at not giving in to those feelings, but its a battle. I believe this depression is linked to the meds. Some days I win the battle and some days I don't.
Your in my thoughts and prayers.

nanaellen 2011-05-21 15:52:32 -0500 Report

OMG! I almost thought I had written your post! Especially when you talk about your husband! My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer just after 3 years of marriage! Of course I stood by him and paced the floor for 8 hours when he went in for surgery to have his lung removed. And I was there when the Dr. told him you are 100 percent cancer free so long as you don't smoke anymore! THAT lasted all of 2 weeks!! Then he got the cancer back again and had to have kemo & radiation and once again they told him he was cancer free, and once again he went right back to smoking. Since then he started gambling right when I was supposed to have surgery for skin cancer on my nose. The Dr. had told me if I waited to have the surgery I could end up losing half of my nose by the end of the year!! Do you think he showed up at the hospital!!!???? NNOOOoooooo! I worked overtime and everything to make the money for my surgery as I have no insurance and found out he gambled away $800.00 I know just how you feel I love him but not IN love with him anymore! We're separated right now. He still comes over but Things will never be the same. And to think I waited till I was 43 to get married!! (By the way we just "celebrated" our 10th anniversary Thursday.) The best thing I've found to combat my depression is right here on this site!! No matter what even when I'm frustrated to the limits the people here make me smile and sometimes that's all we need! Here for you anytime!!
Ellen :)
p.s. As you can see I ramble also!!!! LOLOL

DJackwon 2011-05-21 11:41:59 -0500 Report

Welcome to the DC family, am still pretty new but I do know a great thing when I run across it, and thats this family that supports us through good and bad. I rant, in fact just did today on another post. I did because I know it is safe to do so here, that someone is likely going to relate and if not have a suggestion for me, at least offer a hug and support.

It is hard for alot of us to open up, but once you do its like such a release, far better for your health to let it out, than to hold it in. I pray you gain strength and peace within your heart. I can't say this disease is a fun ride, but I am saying seeking a counselor is not awful, taking med's for depression or anxiety is not bad. I don't walk in your shoes, but I walk at your side, just like the rest of us here do. Never be afraid to speak up.

{{ Hugs and prayers }}

- Debbie -

vgarrison 2010-08-06 20:30:35 -0500 Report

I joined this site when I was first diagnosed in Sept of 08, the site was still really new, but I knew I had found a home. After moving completly cross country and having a job for the fist time in years, I found myself going longer and longer in between times of checking on this site. Checked back in a few times over the last year, but for some reason didn't seem the same. Let me tell you what a crappy year it has been. Seems like there was no where to turn to for advice or just a sholder to lean on. I've only been back on for about a week, and it seems like its the best week I've had in a very long time.

venting is the best way we have to making the wounds start to heal. At least it always makes me feel better.

Blessed Be

Sweetrthnhuny 2010-07-06 17:18:24 -0500 Report

I can relate to you so much, you don't even know. I recently wrote about my struggles with depression. I also get crying spells all the time. The people here on DC have been so supportive and have really lifted my spirits. It was hard to read your story because it reminds me so much of what I'm going through. My husband and I are going through a lot right now and barely talk. He is not supportive with my health. I also have insomnia and in fact have been up since yesterday morning. It's so hard right now but just try to have faith and we can pull through this. You can email me anytime. Especially at night LOL I'm usually on here trying to keep myself motivated and informed.

SILVERDOT 2010-07-07 10:55:49 -0500 Report

Thank you. To be honest, it was your story that I first read and I just kept reading story after story. Finally, I realized it is normal to feel this way especially when there are some many others that are struggling too. The ladies and gents (gents especially with me) have been great supporters. It's funny I was going thru photos last evening and came acrossed some of our wedding photos and I'm not really sure if there were any feelings there or not. Sometimes (alot lately), I find myself thinking what ifs. So needless to say, after I work really hard to start thinking and putting myself first. I'll have to have a major one on one with the Great One and try working on our so called marriage.

MAYS 2010-07-06 13:32:33 -0500 Report

Please understand this, when you seek help, you are in turn helping others.
You are not rambling, you are seeking help even if it's just the need to let it out.

Let it out, and let the healing process from within you began to make you feel better.


ston3xc 2010-07-06 12:42:36 -0500 Report

Gosh, I feel like your telling my story a few years ago. Things will get better if you believe they can. You're just a little overwhelmed right now. This is a wonderful site, with loads of information and lots of support and lots of shoulders to cry on:) Things have a tendency to look manageable when you have someone to listen to you. You'll find a lot of that here. Keep us posted, we care!

RAYT721 2010-07-05 05:01:10 -0500 Report

First of all welcome to the group … or may I say … family??? You're not without support though. There are lots of people here who understand you and while many of us don't have the answers for you we all share trust and respect for one another. I've never known a "place" like this and I'm glad not only that I have joined here but glad that you have as well.

We all have stories… some are happy while others are sad. There is no doubt that you are experiencing a case of depression but I sense you're gonna get through this. From your experiences dating back to age 11. You're a fighter and you're a winner! We all face (have or will) bouts with depression and there's no doubt that you have a lot going on in your life.

Sometimes, I've found, the best therapists are the people you see when you look in the mirror. When I am faced with problems that seem overwhelming I try to ask myself what I would tell my best friend if they had the same problem(s) as I have. You know what? I must be smarter than I think I am (although still not smarter than a fifth grader) because the right thoughts and words seem to come from myself. I am not in therapy nor on meds for depression but I do get depressed. Who wouldn't? My advice is to be your own best friend.

I'm often thinking of the age-old quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man without any feet." That's so inspirational to me.

I am not suggesting that you go without therapy but to combat the useless and overpriced information and suggestions with your own common sense on what works and doesn't work for you.

Feel free to rant, rave, cry for no reason or whatever you need to do but think positive thoughts that tomorrow will be better than yesterday. You are not alone… you are a parent, friend, coworker, and now a member of a caring group of online support members who you can not only learn from but that you can teach.

Message me anytime. I don't have answers but I have a super power… I am not faster than a speeding bullet nor more powerful than a locomotive but I do have the super power to make people stop, look and listen to their hearts. And, when all else fails, I can make people either laugh at themselves or laugh at me.

Welcome to Diabetic Connect… "friends, discussions and more"

SILVERDOT 2010-07-05 13:30:24 -0500 Report

Thank you for welcoming me. I took alot to finally give in and join a support group. As far as therapy, my insurance covers it, but I feel worse after I've been their. Especially when they ask me "so how's the depression medication working". You should see the looks I get when I say "well don't feel like killing myself today, still stressed at times and I'm still a Diabetic " "You tell me".

I very rarely look into the mirror, so I guess that's where I need to start.

You might want to rethink me messaging you anytime. I may become a pest.

Thanks again.

Swbtab03 2010-07-05 14:08:11 -0500 Report

Need to vent here is the place to do it, I Here read other peoples post,take and learn from them. Now Ray is our resident class clown,(also my online brother here) need a laugh Ray is up to the task,he just has the right word of wisdom/humor. Gabby is our biggest supporter, she always has great feedback for us here. Me I just get in the middle of everything and throw my 2 cents in.
First I think you and your husband needs to have a good talk, try to go out and walk with each other, it does wonders. I too have issues with my wife in the reverse. I went nuts on eating healthy and cutting down many things and feel 110% better. Unfortunately my wife eats whatever she feels like eating and does not think she has a problem. However one thing we share in common is walking and it really helps us connect better, my 3 girls,the dog, wife and I go walking at least once or twice a week my work schedule limits me to do more. It is great you have a supporting daughter, giving her space is great, but do a family thing walk together, its weird but it connects so differently. There is two other great things I love more with my family, even when I'm mad at them for something, is eating together and praying at dinner as a family, the other is going to church together every weekend. Sometimes schedule breaks us up. But your biggest and greatest supporter is the people in your home with you. I make dinner when Im home and Imake healthy low carb foods and no one complains.
I say try to reconnect with family and it will knock half that depression right down.
Surgery is not going to do anything for you (unless you really needed it).
I'm not a bible thumper or preacher or pushing this, but I became catholic in 2001 when my best friend in the world died of cancer ( MY MOM). Nothing soothes me more than going to a church mass and tuning in 110% to the mass and shutting the world out. Or the other is going to a movie by my self and tuning in to movie and shutting out life is a really good way to relax and get mind off things.
Vent to us we are here for you- spit it all out, getting it off your chest does wonders
I'm here for you and I know Ray and Gabby are for sure, and a few others I am just making friends with also.

SILVERDOT 2010-07-05 15:25:04 -0500 Report

Thanks for listening. I'm not sure when it happened, but I feel my husband and I grow apart more and more each day. He, I believe has depression (not medlicated). Not to mention probably health issues of his own. He refusses to go to the Doctor unless it is absolutely necessary. Due to all of this he really doesn't do much, but work, tend to my mother at times and cook. I tell him always that he is the one missing out. I have a full time job, volunteer as a Emergency Medicial Tech as much as I can, I attended every activity, dance classes, sporting activities and Mom Taxi with our daughter. Not to mention all the house work and pet care. Part of why I'm stressed (maybe). I love family unfortunately we make our lives so busy that it seems like we only get together when someone is ill, hospitalized, or Holidays. Unfortunatelly, I have more family then my Husband. Which brings up other issues, some Holidays he doesn't attend, hardly visits those in hospitals (incuding me, he may visit about 30 mins. Might be less if our daughter not with him). All surgeries, I've had were all necessary. Husband, doesn't even acknowledge that. My two recent surgeries for Carpal Tunnel, Husband dropped me off and Co-workers picked me up and I stayed with them until he got off of work. I feel like he's not there for me at all. God for bid if I had complications, he never calls anyone to say "how was her surgery". Thats why I said in other post, I feel at peace when I'm hospitalized or have surgery, I feel at peace because persons are there for me. My husband does have a history of agoraphobia-hope I spelled it correctly, but come on we've been married almost 18 years now. I'm tierd of hearing it, go get help and or medication. Yes, I have days where I want to be home and vegg. Though, not the rest of my living days.
I'm sorry here I go again sharing my problems with someone who probably could care less, but some of your statements I thought needed explainations. When I do this sometimes I feel like a certified nutcase. I love to get lost in books, especially if the leading lady is cared for by the leading male in the book.

Thanks for listening

LennyDenny 2010-07-06 13:12:59 -0500 Report

Welcome - your not rambling, your family now and your aloud to ramble - vent what ever makes you feel better. I've been married for 39 years and you know we have had some of the same problems. One thing that I know helped us was not just talking but communicating. That's when we started to understand how we felt. May not work for everyone but it worked for us. My wife has been dealing with depression for 28 years now (on Meds.) and is doing fine now. I think I've said it before, I was told that God has a purpose for everything that happens to us. We may not see it today - tomorrow or ever, but there is a purpose. Everybody's right, you've taken the first steps your here and you will be taken care of and supported.

Stay Blessed

RAYT721 2010-07-05 15:25:17 -0500 Report

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Swbtab03. Many people often think of me as the brother they never wanted. :)

RAYT721 2010-07-05 15:23:00 -0500 Report

We are all here for our own reasons. Today mine is to offer support and encouragement to others. Tomorrow I may need it from you. I can also get therapy from my insurance company but who's going to cover my therapist's therapist??? Maybe I am in denial about being insane but it's a pre-existing condition. Don't worry about bugging me. If you need to chat, chat away! I don't have all of the answers but I'm a good listener.

SILVERDOT 2010-07-05 15:30:11 -0500 Report

Sometimes I 'd like to be insane. I tell all of my co workers,"okay I've had enough, I'm going to sign myself into the insane ward to have a vacation.

jayabee52 2010-07-05 02:16:36 -0500 Report

Howdy Silverdot
There are times that I feel that I wish God didn't have such a high opinion of my ability to handle the "challenges" I'm given! LoL!

I'm glad you shared your feelings. Don't worry about rambling. Sometimes that's what it takes to bring some order to your thoughts and feelings. I'm glad you feel this venting has helped.

That's ONE of the things that makes DC like a wonderful family. Please feel free to "ramble" with us anytime.

Blessings to you and yours


SILVERDOT 2010-07-05 13:39:58 -0500 Report

Thanks for listening. I wonder everyday what God's plan is for me, he tests me very often. Not sure why, I've always thought I was a good person I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, I work, pay taxes, say sorry to him when I cuss, believe I'm raising my daughter the right way, volunteer as much as I can and pray as often as I can. I don't get it.

Oops rambling again.

Thanks for listening.

Two painful feet
Two painful feet 2010-07-04 23:12:30 -0500 Report

Your not rambling, your just telling us how you feel. I want to welcome you to our family. You are not alone any more. We are here for you any time you need us. Ask questions and someone will answer, probably lots of somebodies. If you want a shoulder mine is just waiting to be there for you.
Your Friend

SILVERDOT 2010-07-05 13:42:18 -0500 Report

Thanks for listening. Thanks a bunch for your shoulder. Hope I don't wear it out.

SILVERDOT 2010-07-05 13:55:31 -0500 Report

I forgot, is that your bird? He or She is beautiful. We own a Parakeet. He's name is Bernie or BB-for Bernie Bird.

Harlen 2010-07-04 22:17:41 -0500 Report

You have support you have it here
We have all had hard times some harder then others
what does not kill you makes you stronger.
Three times in my life I was toled that I would not recover from what has happend to me and three times they where rong.You have two choises in life, let it beet you and give up or
never quit never give up and you win.Thats just the way it works
I am not a hard man I am loving and my wife seys sweet and tender haerted But I just can not give up.
Life is just way to good and even with the pain I live with every day life is good.
Best wishes

SILVERDOT 2010-07-05 13:48:34 -0500 Report

Thanks for listening. I believe I'll try to become the fighter. I'm not rushing anything, but the toughts of not being around for all that awaits my daughter and not to mention grandchildren would just eat me up inside.

Hope you don't mind me saying this, but you sound like a "Care Bear". Are you familar with them?


monkeymama 2010-07-04 19:36:15 -0500 Report

Hello there and Welcome to our community. I have my times where I get depressed and frustrated with the things in my life and my diabetes. I have had diabetes for over 6 years now. I had troubles coming to terms, coping, and balancing my diabetes. I got to a point with the oral medications and went to insulin injections then now my pump. Just this year, I had a serious reality check when my dad was diagnosed with type 2. Along the fact I was not helping myself through nursing school being the way I was. I just should happen to be watching Biggest Loser and I got my mojo. I have my good days and my bad days with my diabetes but when I begin to feel like I want to give up. I always remind myself this,"I CAN do it…I WILL do this…" My dad made me realize that I needed to believe in ME and not worry about others. "Believing is See…" this is from one of my favorite movies. If I fall, I get myself right back up and move forward. Not to dwell on what did happen but my next move ahead. I had to learn to do for me and put ME ahead of things and not the back burner. I seen what diabetes is doing to my mom because she don't care to care. I wanted better for me and set the example for my dad. Make slow and gradual changes for "you". I believe…so can you. Best of wishes to you and we're all here for you. Nothing is a ramble or dumb question.

SILVERDOT 2010-07-04 20:37:52 -0500 Report

Thank you. I sometimes blame my mom for some of the the health issues I have, because she too has some of them. Although, she doesn't have the major health issues. So, I get angery with her, because I do not know my paternal Father. I do not care to know him either, I would just like to know his and his families health issues. Not just for me for my daughter too. I'm also so sick of hearing from Doctors how unique I'm. Thanks again for listening.