I have always felt like the sick kid in my family. As far as I can remember at first Doctors thought I had Cancer (an experience I will never forgot as long as I live). I was 11 and sent to "Johns Hopkins Medicial Center" where one day I was there for my consultation, sitting with people my age and younger who truly had Cancer. I felt so bad for them and the thoughts of me being the same way. Although, I was the lucky one the physician doing my consultation took one look at me and told my parents your daughter does not have Cancer she has a severe case of Graves disease. So, I dealt with that for most of my school years. I eventually had what they call the Iodine treatment (a pill which is supposed to kill the hyperthyriod, but then you are put on pills for underactivethyriod). This treatment worked until the day came when I found out I was going to have my first child. I became hyperthyriod during my first month. I was managed with medication until my Endocrinologist took me off the medication about 8 weeks before my due date. Needless to say, I went into pre-term labor. Therefore, my daughter was born in thyriod crisis (major mistake of the Endocrinologist). Although, we found out too late to anything about it. Today though, she is a beautiful, compassionate, caring and adventurous 15 amost 16 year old. Then other things started like psoriasis, depression, insomenia and then the big D. First, I was told I had Type 2 and was put on medication. Numbers remained out of control so Primary Doc would change medication. I'd go to see Endocrinologist and he would get mad and change medication again. It was a back and forth thing until, I could not take it anymore and changed my health care provider and started the Joslin Center. They told me I was not Type 2 I was definately a Type 1 and started on Insulin. They think it's Late Adult Diabetic. I've read many posts on the site, and found out my feelings aren't just mine. So like some post that I've read I to have been bad at things I too should know better about. I too work in a Hospital setting where I'd say about 90% of our patients are poorly controlled Diabetics. I mean POORLY CONTROLLED. Wounds that are out of this world, no feelings of pain, lossing eyesight, lost limbs and those that just really give up. I do not want this, but there are days where something over comes me and I don't care. I've thought about ending it (I've came up with many creative ways), but my daughter, mother, friends and pets are to important to me. Currently, I'm out of work due to Carpal Tunnel Surgery and I'm into my fourth day of depression and for what I don't know. Like sometimes I feel like when I have sugery that is the only time I feel at peace. In the medicial field we call that the cocktail prior to surgery. Also, sometimes because of no support form my spouse I feel like I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. He hates to do anything sports, movies, friend dates and etc. I 'am not a home body. I feel like my spouse and I are more like roommates. We don't even talk sometimes. My best friend and supporter has been my beautiful daughter, but she is currently a teenager and is not there as much. I can't dislike her for that. Then, I find myself wanting to be in someone elses shoes. I know everyone has issues and problems, but for one day I'd like to be someone that doesn't have to worry about everything. I don't know maybe I'm just having a midlife crisis. Sometimes I also feel that when I'm sick or need surgery it is like my vacation because everyone is there for me. I'm sorry I'm new too the site, and just rambled on. I just needed to vent to someone, other then a Therapist. I feel like they are of no help at all and overpaid. Glad, I finally gave in and decided to share somethings with total strangers with the same feelings. I've been in denial for so long that I've refused support groups. I too know that God gives us what we can handle, but sometimes I feel he gives me too much at one time. Maybe he does this, because he knows I'm very good at multi-tasking. I also cry sometimes for no reason at all?? I think I'm done rambling again I'm sorry.
Next Discussion: depression isnt the word!!!! »