Jokes - Keep them coming!

By joni55 Latest Reply 2011-03-09 14:13:36 -0600
Started 2010-05-24 14:47:44 -0500

I have some new material. Some I have borrowed from my dating site and some I have received as e-mails. Enjoy!



Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..


Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…

Helllloooo!!!…bottles won't fit in printer !!!


Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… box said

'2-4 years!'


Trapped on escalator for hours … power went out!!!


Tried to make Kool-Aid…wrong instructions…8 cups of water won't

fit into those little packets!!!


Tried to go water skiing…couldn't find a lake with a slope.


Lost breast stroke swimming competition…learned later, the other

swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!


Got locked out of my car in rain storm… car swamped because soft-top

was open.


The capital of California is 'C'…isn't it???


Hate M & M's…they are so hard to peel.


Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I

weigh 108!!


Couldn't call 911. 'duh'…there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid



A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde

female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and

again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house

she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,

marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder

than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty…)

'My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

20 replies

jayabee52 2011-03-08 17:33:14 -0600 Report

This came in an email (thanks I'mSuzie2!) and is a video of outtakes from a show on fishing. Even if you don't like to fish, you may find it hilarious. Too bad they took them out as he makes the regular folks look like geniuses (as someone else said in the email)

joni55 2010-06-01 19:00:30 -0500 Report

I just thought you'd like this!

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
———————— ————————————————-

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is…

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

Emma2412 2010-05-26 11:23:22 -0500 Report

Wow! That is absolutely the best thing I've seen in days. I love the you've got mail thing. Wow! Also, the puzzle thing.

dr8m1t4 2010-05-26 00:25:59 -0500 Report

One day Eve asked, "Adam, do you really love me?"
Adam replied, "Who else?"

One day Adam and Eve were sitting on a log. Adam was eating an apple, then Eve took a bite of Adam's apple, leaving him speechless!

The first palindrome was Adam's introduction to Eve: "Madam, I'm Adam." (Check it out; it spells the same forward and backward.)

Were Adam and Eve good parents?
No, they were busy raising Cain!

Where is baseball mentioned in the Bible"
In the beginning (big inning).

petals 2010-05-24 21:47:06 -0500 Report

Great I laughed out loud,thanks!

joni55 2010-05-24 23:28:42 -0500 Report

You are more than welcome! I have a few resources, so I will be back with more!

Emma2412 2010-05-26 11:23:50 -0500 Report

Can't wait!

joni55 2010-05-26 12:06:08 -0500 Report

I find a lot of jokes on my dating site. When there aren't threads for them, I create them, in groups like divorced and widows. I believe in the idea of spreading manure wherever I can. Manure is fertilizer, it makes things grow and healing is a growing process!!!

joni55 2010-05-24 15:41:30 -0500 Report

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says:
"So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her
so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you.

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.


Adam said he was feeling lonely and asked God for company.
"I was thinking of making you a woman," said God.
"What is a woman?" asked Adam.
"Nearly a man, only curvier," said God, "and also sweet, caring and loving and at your beck and call. She will be an inspiration to you."
"Gosh," said Adam, "how much will that cost?"
"An arm and a leg," said God.
"What could I get for a rib?" asked Adam.

joni55 2010-05-24 14:51:31 -0500 Report

One more!New procedures for Drive-through ATM machines.

Please use the procedures outlined below when accessing your accounts.


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.