our words can hurt

By shorty31 Latest Reply 2010-04-04 10:30:52 -0500
Started 2010-04-03 06:15:59 -0500

yesterday i lashed out at my stepson, i felt being taken advantage of. i wasn't feeling up to par, so everything just got on my nevers; before i knew it ihad hurt his feelings it all readay bad because he feel that no one loves him and i go and hurt him that is not me. i don't know why i did it but did tell him that i was sorry. we have to some time step back and take a time me whenwe are all ready angry. rather than to take it out on innocent people.

17 replies

Deborah L
Deborah L 2010-04-04 10:30:52 -0500 Report

The first step in the healing process identifying the problem. Only then can we begin the path to a solution.

But knowledge alone is not enough until we personally experience changes. In small steps we put forward different actions and see different results come back. Easy to say statements seldom bring immediate or lasting changes without that effort. Often we just feel more guilty, lost, and helpless if that's all we hear from others.

When we make changes, we shake up the status quo, and others involved can often become even more out of control trying to force us back to where we were because they are no longer in control of us. It takes a lot of time, courage, strength, and determination to unlearn and relearn, especially for those who have been abused.

It usually helps to have someone to guide us with specific help, step by step specifics instead of generalities. Sometimes from a friend, family member, or a professional. It's easy to strike out in a loss of control after being passive about how we're treated. It's easy to get confused about who played each part and getting caught up in blaming. And it is so hard for some to walk away from toxic relationships. Some can't, not won't, because they truely don't know how.

There is wisdom in that we can only change ourselves and not others. But it is also true that we can influence others by our actions. And we have a tremendous inner store of strength that we may not recognize. I hope that each of you that have "been there" continue reaching for better in yourselves and in life. My prayers for all of you.

cc9 2010-04-04 08:03:11 -0500 Report

shorty31, i feel for you. there are no quick fixes. i can see a few things in the scenario: your stepson using his experiences to illicit advantages, you not being able yet to handle the situation with his playoffs, or testing the boundaries and then it becomes too much for you because you have other things to deal with. but its not the end of the world. sorry does wonders. learning to put limits helps to model responsibility. and you can control how and when you say things. take five long breaths. call time out. choose to respond. not react.

a great book i have read is Faber and Mazlick 'How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk.'

joni55 2010-04-03 08:57:08 -0500 Report

As someone who has suffered with mental illness for many years, I can tell you I do not always think we have control of what we say. Does anyone agree with this?

MAYS 2010-04-03 09:11:59 -0500 Report

I have to disagree with that, we do have control of our actions both verbal and physical, we just don't exercise the option of restraint or of being rational, instead relying on our attack mechanism to come out in defense of our very fragile, tarnished and bruised ego's most of the time.
We can control it, (our words and actions), most of the time we choose not to.


shorty31 2010-04-03 12:56:30 -0500 Report

i agree with what you say but inthe heat of a disagreement especialy witha teenage son that not your own. and you feel that he is above his self with his father what can you do i feel he's useing his father for the years they weren't together to get what his wants and i am the out cast tell what sould i do . i really need help i feel lost.

MAYS 2010-04-03 15:21:20 -0500 Report

Calm yourself down and take control of yourself.

Speak your mind in a peaceful manner and stay firm to your word.
Don't lose your self respect or dignity and do not let anyone take that from you either, if you allow yourself to be used, abused and manipulated, it may create a pattern that can be hard to break free from later without major consequences.

Stand by what you say and your principles, live your life free of guilt
and emotional pain, they both will create unnecessary stress and as a diabetic, you don't need that extra baggage !


gma 2010-04-03 09:49:41 -0500 Report

Joni I dont think it is what we say I think it is how we say it. I suffer from panic attacks and when I don't watch what I eat I can get cranky at times. And seem to have an attitude sometimes in what I say or I seem to say things in the wrong way and I really dont like my self!!!

shorty31 2010-04-03 12:53:00 -0500 Report

me to i felt so bad that i went to my room and sat on the bed and cried like a new born babe.i have to find a way to lose my stress on some thing else.

Anne56 2010-04-04 07:39:18 -0500 Report

Hi, Joni. I think you would agree that we all have responsibility for what we say. As for control, that can be a bit more complicated. There is good argument that we do have control and that we make choices; but as anyone who has experienced abusive parents or an abusive significant other can attest, we are affected in myriad ways by that abuse. One way is that victims must often "take it" (the abuse) to be safer in the moment. In other words, resisting abuse or fleeing may cause more harm. The "taking it" and sort of sucking up our anger can give us a reservoir of anger that bursts out when triggered. Some of us grew up that way for many years.

I have actually been "out of control". One may argue that I did, in fact, have control at those times. If so, I sure didn't know it! I certainly didn't have the skill to exercise any control. The bottom line is that it still was my personal responsibility — which I accepted. I learned to exercise my control.

I agree that we can't take back what we say. That's not the end of the story, though. In taking responsibility for our words, we can speak to the individual involved. We can explain honesty what occurred and that our words were unfair to him or her, ask how the individual was affected and acknowledge that without defense or judgment, apologize sincerely, and most importantly, begin (or continue) the process of attaining better control of what we say.

People who are victimized by abusers OFTEN are led to believe that the abuse was actually their own fault or that they deserved it. For some, there is a great deal of UNlearning that has to happen before the Learning begins!

I wish you the best.

joni55 2010-04-03 08:55:58 -0500 Report

I, personally, am terrified of people's anger. My gutt reaction is to run and hide. My parents used to fight and yell at us all the time, and I have always associated that anger with violence, as that was usually what followed. I know it is my problem, not anyone else's, but I warn people to think about the words they say, they can have unreparable damage.

shorty31 2010-04-03 13:02:52 -0500 Report

mine to until the day my father walked out. my mother allways made me feel less then a penny i grow up feeling like i was nothing and no one wanted me.i looked for love in the wrong men. you name it i've been through it verbal, physical and mental abuse now i'm being controled i feel like a trapped rat. scared to be alone. afraid i will fail. sometimes i feel that my stepson is afraid that if i leave who will protect him. i just can't win

joni55 2010-04-03 13:21:28 -0500 Report

My husband was emotionally abusive. He could not deal with my depression or my medical problems. He hated me taking meds, but I couldn't do without them at that point. I few years ago, I was in and out of the hospital for a whole year with lung problems. He hated it. Everytime I would go to the emergency room, he would have to bring me home and he let me know he was annoyed. He got a taste of his own medicine when he started having mini strokes and I could not go to visit him because I do not have a car.

Now, every time I call my mom, it is like I am in a competition with her. Nothing I do is ever as important as what she does and nothing that is wrong with me is ever as bad as what she experiences. It is horrible.

It is hard being in an abusive relationship with anyone. People who abuse you start to make you feel like you are worth nothing and can do nothing.

That is where the church helps. They can be a real positive influence in your life. And, God heals you. I know He has created some miracles in my life.

shorty31 2010-04-03 16:52:15 -0500 Report

you know i think we have gone through some of the same things. i thank GOD THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THE GOOD AND THE BAD BECAUSE IT TESTED YOUR FAITH IHAVE BACKSLIDEN to many time but the Lord never gave up on me and i allways wonder why. what does want with me i geuss i am an instrument for him to use maybe my story can help some else heal.

MAYS 2010-04-03 08:34:38 -0500 Report

Be careful of the words that you choose to speak, once they leave your mouth past your lips, you cannot recall them, so choose them both wisely and appropriately.


shorty31 2010-04-03 12:58:35 -0500 Report

i just love you mays. i can allways count on you to say something with wisdom. please don't ever forget me and allways keep me in your thoughts. my dear friend