Giggles of the Day...Again#2

griz104
By griz104 Latest Reply 2010-06-15 07:45:41 -0500
Started 2010-03-30 14:24:51 -0500

The other post was getting to be very long so i figured it was time to start another!! After all who does not need a laugh now and again!! Enjoy..I know i do…

Bob… The Chicken

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home… The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard…

"BOB, wake up! You pooped the bed!"


27 replies

griz104
griz104 2010-06-11 19:28:57 -0500 Report

This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one..

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I' ll turn into the most beauti ful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

griz104
griz104 2010-04-27 12:33:13 -0500 Report

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by

circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I,

listened to

the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands

and wives know the

things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,

'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite

flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife gently, and

whispered,

'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy…

Roy531
Roy531 2010-04-02 13:34:27 -0500 Report

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They called it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs. . . a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson..
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Nova69
Nova69 2010-03-30 20:03:25 -0500 Report

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,

"What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born…

Couldn't walk for a year"

Nova69
Nova69 2010-03-30 19:56:11 -0500 Report

A man entered his shrink's office. "Doc, you gotta help me! Every night I dream I'm a sports car. One night I was a Trans Am, another night I was an Alpha Romeo, and last night I was a Porsche. What's this mean?" "Not to worry," said his shrink, "You're just having an auto body experience!"

Nova69
Nova69 2010-03-30 19:53:03 -0500 Report

Poor Ed.

Ed was in trouble because he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was extremely angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday with no known details of his whereabouts.

griz104
griz104 2010-03-30 14:55:37 -0500 Report

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After making love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation…

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice.

"Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific…

Great!…

Thanks…

Okay…

Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

griz104
griz104 2010-03-30 14:50:07 -0500 Report

What did one eyeball say to the other eyeball?

"just between you and me …something smells!"

griz104
griz104 2010-03-30 14:47:20 -0500 Report

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the
brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into
the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of
the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the
other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin'
victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity… one of the girls
must be quite ill."

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell
flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He
figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he
decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he
stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into
his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He
was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say
that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Danni-the-diabetic
Danni-the-diabetic 2010-03-30 14:30:57 -0500 Report

LOL That totally caught me off gaurd! Thanks for the laugh :)

griz104
griz104 2010-03-30 14:40:17 -0500 Report

Glad you got a laugh out of it!! My day is complete.. I have a goal for myself everyday to make someone smile..Thank you!

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