Thought Process

Sue Turner
By Sue Turner Latest Reply 2010-01-26 11:02:34 -0600
Started 2010-01-12 11:44:26 -0600

Ok, my DC friends; I have a concern regarding uncontrolable thoughts. There are times that I have these horrible thoughts running rampant through my mind. It is like a recording that will not stop. At times they are very terrifying, and there will be days that I will obsess over these thoughts. I just can't seem to put them from my mind. Does anyone else ever experience anything like this? I am concerned because it is very stressful, and I know that it doesn't help when trying to control my BS levels. Could it be the diabetes, or a panic/anxiety, disorder, or a form of OCD?

132 replies

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-26 10:57:32 -0600 Report

Ok, Guys, I have now started a "Thought Process #2"…I hope that we don't loose "Thought Process" #1…

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-26 11:02:34 -0600 Report

Great! I just got here and was going to start one if no one else had, but, THANKS, Sue!! Hugs, Pat r

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-25 22:10:51 -0600 Report

When I feel down, I try to associate with pleasant people, and love EXCHANGING SMILES!! PR

begonia 2010-01-25 22:12:44 -0600 Report

smiling works,some how it's contagious and if your friends and family are happy everybody is happy

spiritwalker 2010-01-25 22:16:20 -0600 Report

I agree. When someone is smiling its a ray of sunshine.

cc9 2010-01-25 23:09:43 -0600 Report

lol. yibidi do dah yibidi day…do you think we need t go to #2 now? not sure if i want to try it bec it will go WRONG!!!

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-26 10:47:04 -0600 Report

you know guys, the thing in life that makes me the happiest is spending time with my children, (when they are acting right) and my grandchildren… They keep me laughing the whole time I am with them… I don't get to spend as much time with my grandchildren as I would like…I need to really make a effort to do that more often, because they always seem to find a way to keep me intertained, and I always forget my problems when I am spending time with them… My husband works all the time, and I am just going to have to tell him, that I am going to visit my grandchildren, and he can come if he wants, or not!!!!!! I have got to do something to cheer myself up… Either that, or end up in the nut house! :)

mammaG 2010-01-24 18:47:06 -0600 Report

As I have read thru this discussion I too see alot of myself. I would like to make a few suggestions that have helped me. FIRST sit down and make a list of three things you like to do( they must be somthing that makes you feel confident, accomplished, and happy). SECOND number them in the order of importance (1=most). THIRD look at your day and schedule a time to do one or more of these items each day. FOURTH when done write down how you are feeling (must be completly honest). When the bad days happen go to this list and read it several times if you need too, until the day brightens. I have found this helps to keep the positve thoughts clearly in you mind.
One more thing that has helped is to post or memorze the serenity prayer.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. The courage to change the things that I can. and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Remember we can only change ourselves, everyone else has to answer to God for their our faults. Sue hang in there ex means to forget let the yesterdays go if they can not be changed, why waste the time on them. Remember - - For every 60 seconds held in the past, robs us of happy minutes in happinessof the future. God bless all of us!

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-25 11:24:00 -0600 Report

Thanks mommaG for that advice…I am trying to keep positive thoughts in my mind…It's not easy, however :)

AddassaMari 2010-01-25 11:54:36 -0600 Report

I went through a spate of depression and one thing my therapist said to me that I still do is self-talk. I look in the mirror and tell myself good morning, every morning, No matter how I feel, I always thing of the morning as a good morning, After that, my day no matter what started as a good morning. Of course I have never being married or lived with anyone, except my sons, so I have had a relative stress free life answerable only to me.

MeiMei 2010-01-20 12:00:39 -0600 Report

What ya'all need is a good lesson in meditation. Yes I am a product of the 60's, but there is something to be said for meditation and tuning out all of the thoughts running through your brain on a daily basis. I find it really helps. Yoga or other meditative disciplines are a real boon as you get older, and since you are still young you had better hop to it because it doesn't get any better with age I have found. LOL.

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-24 18:08:17 -0600 Report

Hi MeiMei,

I have tried to meditate, and it seems that I just can't seem to turn my mind off…It is like a recording that just goes, and goes…I don't know what to do…I remember a time, when I was very young, before I started having all of these problems, when I could just shut my mine off, and think of nothing at all, and just enjoy the things around me…Boy, what I would give to be able to do that again…

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-24 18:23:56 -0600 Report

I know, maybe the Piss n Moan site will help relieve some of the present stress!! Good Luck!! Pat R

Pam from KCMO
Pam from KCMO 2010-01-25 05:34:06 -0600 Report

Welcome to the club! I say I meditate - but I mostly sit quietly, breathe, and am amazed at how I CANNOT stop the thoughts. People who meditate may look peaceful on the outside - but you can't see what's going on inside their heads. (A teacher of mine says if you could see inside their heads there would be whole operas going on…the same challenge you mention.)

It takes practice - I've been doing it for awhile and just get a few moments of emptiness -milliseconds really - and then some silly thought pops up.

Just sit quietly and try to focus your mind on your breath going in and out, in and out. When a thought comes, try to let it go without judgment.

If nothing else, it's a 15 minute break - and you'll feel better for the slow and deep breathing!

BIRDY 2010-01-25 06:04:51 -0600 Report

Sue , I've been in a yoga lesson sometimes ago.It was the most stressful hour of my life because of trying to be in peace and calm :) God I closed my mouth with my hand not to scream.Yoga , meditation is not for me.
Yes ma'am , this was one of my millions of memories :)
Hugs to you my dear :)

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-25 11:16:53 -0600 Report

LOL, Oh, Birdy, you are so funny…You remind me so much of me…I can just picture that vision in my mind right now, and it makes me laugh… Could you see the two of us trying to meditate together…We would get thrown out of the class…Hehehehehe

BIRDY 2010-01-25 13:04:07 -0600 Report

we two together could teach "how to achive being stressful all day long" lesson only :) Hmmm who would need that kind of lessen , umm let me think ; yeah I've found the target population …Guess to whom ; of course to the Buddhist monks who living on Himalays heheee :)

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-25 13:16:40 -0600 Report

That's true, they need some stress in THEIR lives;they are just tooooooo calm…LOL :) We could certainly teach that subject! Hehehe

thee808diabetic 2010-01-20 02:04:47 -0600 Report

I know exactly what you mean! I have that too. Mine has been labeled as ocd. Maybe theres a connection between the two? It seems like a lot of diabetics have "OCD"

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-20 09:25:50 -0600 Report

Do you suppose that OCD comes partly from trying to CONTROL your diet/exercise etc in TRYING to do the RIGHT thing to live with diabetis, then it kinda "slops over" into our whole life style?? Just thinkn——PR

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-25 11:27:51 -0600 Report

I think so, Pat.

I know that it is a control issue…I want to be in control of everything, and I feel as though I am not in control of anything!

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-25 22:09:47 -0600 Report

I was ticked at my Dr the other day when he said that I was a controlling person, re-thought it, and now agree, I have HAD TO BE!! Enough said! Hugs, Pat R

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-24 18:02:41 -0600 Report

Hi thee,
I have been trying to convence my doctors for years that I have OCD…They just don't seem to want to listen…I obcess over everything…I think all of these things go hand in hand…

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-24 18:04:53 -0600 Report

Wow, thee,
I just looked at your profile; wish I live in Hiwaii!!!! I have always wanted to go there! Maybe someday I will make it…One can only hope! :)

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-24 18:13:27 -0600 Report

thee, and cc, I need you guys to send me some of your sunshine…I live in the south, and we usually have quit a bit of sun, but this winter, has been more rain, and overcast…But, it want be long until Spring will be here… The trees start to bud in February, and in march the leaves start to pop out, and everything starts to bloom…Maybe I will feel better then! :)

cc9 2010-01-25 06:35:46 -0600 Report

sending the sunshine over your way. catch suzie. love and hugs, always.

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-25 11:08:29 -0600 Report

Thanks for the sunshine cc! Would you believe that it is shinning this afternoon, and for the first time in days… Thank you, thank you, thank you…It does lift my spirits when I can look out and see the sun shinning :)

rankearl 2010-01-17 13:35:11 -0600 Report

hi all im so proud of you all for sharing life gives us all choices that what makes us human im not sure who wrote about the tree bending my grandmother use to tell me that one when i was strugggling with issues and it is tue hugs julie

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-17 13:52:28 -0600 Report

Julie, that was AddassaMari who wrote that about the tree…She has a lot of good advice…She is so precious, and has such good advice, and insight! It is a shame that we all have to struggle so, but like you said, that is what makes us human, and I guess helps to make us stronger…If we didn't have some bad times, how would we know to appreciate the good times? Hugs, Sue

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-17 18:30:25 -0600 Report

If your CORE BEING feels right with itself, it is easier to listen and accept some sayings. But I found that they only made me feel WORSE, more guilty as I had tried so hard, but obviously had failed or I wouldn't have been in so much pain—-continuously—-As for the saying, that bending with the wind (or stress) makes one stronger, it didn't help me until AFTER I had reamed out the core problem, as that core of guilt just soured every positive saying, like—-YOW< RIGHT!! sarcasm, I guess—-It might have worked for them but it came too late for me, until I went back and relived, thought, and felt, the past in a whole, different light, then everything just fell into place, with not much thoughts of HAVING to NOT think or feel this—or that—it all was GONE and I had no underlying guilt to sabatoge my feeling GOOD! "Oh, I am a Bad person, my parents said so!!" But that was just THEIR OPINION, based on their own past experiences and had nothing to do with US, really!!! We were just scape goats!! Now we are grown and entitiled to be FREE of that painful past!! Hugs, Pat R

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-18 22:46:43 -0600 Report

I just returned from Tops, gained another 3 #, not sure why, I did that last week too—if this keeps up I may check with my regular Dr as he warned me about this, and my back is aching again, can hardly straighten up, but at least it isn't on that left side where that kidney was—-just clear across—so am not sure, but I feel so ancy, and I don't usually—-

Oh, well, think Positive, Pat!! Three of our women tonight, had recently lost their husbands and were visiting about being alone in the bed (my hubby moved out 24 years ago with no explanation—-that about KILLED ME) but that is beside the point, one woman said these evil thoughts, or just sad ones, would try and enter her mind and she kept repeating over and over THe LOrd's Prayer and the 23rd Psalm, and it really helped. She is also outgoing and helps others, then exercises at out Wellness Center, so she is finding her way down that lonely path!!! I have already had to trod that one, so maybe life will ease up a dab!! Hugs, Pat R

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-17 13:10:17 -0600 Report

It is too bad that there aren't places where a person can go to rest and relax, without the stigma of a psych hospital, but I have been in several and were GLAD to be there as it gave me a BREAK from the pain that I simply could not stand—-hard to understand unless you have been there, but the night after I exploded in one, sent my fist sailing thru a glass window, I was locked up in a special cell, only a mattress on the floor, and was THANKFUL to be THERE, I felt like the painful WORLD was Locked OUT, not ME locked IN! And those folks understood and did not belittle me——we helped each other, so we all need a place, at times, to "escape" if you can't find an actual one, your mind has a way of escaping itself——hard to come back some times. Hugs, PR

gunther123 2010-01-17 19:24:38 -0600 Report

I don't have the diabetes to deal with, my wife does with type1. She has a difficult with Type1, and pain throughout her entire body.
As for me, I've made the trip several times to the Mental Health ward. I was a time to get away. I have Bipolar, SAD,and ADHD which all put together raises hell with me and my education. I'm on Disability, but I plan to go into another career field. I also have emphysema, i'm on O2 24/7.

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-17 19:53:18 -0600 Report

Hey, Gunther! At least you are NOT alone, but at times we like to be, don't we??!! Peace—!!! PR

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-17 22:19:55 -0600 Report

Gunther, it looks like you have really been through it…But, like Pat said, you are not alone, nor is your wife…I just pray that one day we can all be at peace and pain free in our minds and our bodies…It might just be a pipe dream, but we can't give up hope…Love, and hugs to you and your wife… Sue

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-17 22:14:56 -0600 Report

Pat, I need you to let me in on your secret of how you have gotten to the place you are now…I never inflicted any physical pain on myself, not that I can remember…There were times that I was so angry, that I may have, and just do not remember. I mostly tortured myself mentally, and I still do…I have been to hell and back in my mind, and that is a horrible place to be…

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-17 23:03:45 -0600 Report

Well, tonight is NOT the night to answer that one, Sue!! Not so sure I will ever be THERE, anyway!! TOo many triggers of painful things from the past make me a hard person to be around, I guess—-too many little negative things happened today that triggered my old enemy, rejection! They really wouldn't upset the average, (notice I did NOT say NORMAL) person, was cutting down on my nerve meds, THOUGHT I had a better grip on those feelings, BUT maybe not!! My first psychiatrist told me over 40 years ago that I would have to be on meds for the rest of my life, but they are so expensive!!!! Was trying to get by without so much stuff—-those around me ridicule anyone having to take anything———Oh, that hurts!!! I can see from what our son told me last night, that it is as I had feared, they do NOT get it—I have tried so hard to explain, BUT they do NOT listen—no one seems to even WANT to understand!! It is so easy for them to criticize (?) and it doesn't take a whole lot to get to me—-

One thing that I can tell you is, DEEP DOWN I KNEW that I was responsible for my parents separating, BECAUSE that was what I was told, too detailed to go into, but I believed it for various reasons, mostly because I felt like I was EVIL, BAD, and nOTHING I could ever do would rectify that—-Even now KNOWING and reliving it that that is NOT true, so many years after the fact, plus the other garbage that piled up behind it, still has to be aired out, is so tiring and ————It does help to KNOW that basically, what tripped me up as a child, is NOW no longer a problem, but it is all of the STUFF That piled up after that—-when you have shut down, forced yourself to NOT remember—-hoping to avoid that horrific pain—-which only makes it worse—-

But at least I can now admit that it is I that is upset, sure it is because of certain things happening today, but normally these things should NOT make me want to end it all, "What is the use, no one cares!" Of course we KNOW that really isn't true, but if we feel that it is,—-we have to retrain our THINKING, then feelings, I plan on going to bed shortly, cuddle up with a soft, soothing blanket, my hubby is not there for me—ever—-so I have learned to give to yourself what you so yearn from others. So much damage is done at an early age, that this is NO picnic—-but I know no other way out! To try and face what I really am responsible for, my part in it, think, then forgive whoever has stepped on our toes, but I HAVE to feel the pain first, if I don't it only pops up later in a different form. Admit how the situation REALLY is, admit my own part in it, then the others, forgive, go to bed with a soft blanky and KNOW that God is in our hearts even if others don't see HIM, WE KNOW—-but that also doesn't mean our pain will simply dissolve—-it is supposed to give us the STRENGTH to bear it, but time out is necessary too—-go outside and watch nature, the squirrels and birds, deep breath, sigh and just wait in the calm silence—-for your soul to ease, dig in the dirt, that has been my solace, even if you don't garden, try planting one seed, then water it and watch it grow, hopefully, so you have ONE thing that you can feel you created that is beautiful—-special, a stand of leaf lettuce for our salads, planting different colors of lettuces, my catalog shows them for spring, and even on into the fall—-something a little exciting and different—-take ONE THING out of your mind, BUT replace it with SOMETHING else. Don't leave a void or it will be just like trying to NOT think of that ELEPHANT!! Simply can NOT be done!! Fill you mind and soul with Beauty and fresh air, and you will gain some PEACE!, gradually—-! Love and Hugs, Sue!! Pat Roth

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-18 09:29:44 -0600 Report

Sue, today is a NEW day!! Remember how upset I was over the piano playing yesterday—I picked it apart to see what was REALLY bothering me about it, and found that it was the fact that, she played so much better than I, she had music in college—-so she should have, PAT!! I recalled all of the times that I have played and how pathetic (I THINK) that comparing myself to her, was—-I was so EMBARRASSED! It also was the hurt that she was asked over me , a regular pianoist for our church——but she really is BETTER, it was just an accidental mix-up, the preacher asked ME, and RJ asked this other woman—-they are tight buddies—so—"I felt left out—" ANOTHER reaction to supposedly, REJECTION and not being good enough!!!

Well, there will always be someone better than we are in ANYTHING! That shouldn't be the point, we just do the best that we can, we all have different strenghts—some more than others.

So after I had cleared it out in my own mind, I called the one lady this morn, told her that I was hurt, had denied it at the time, told the MAIN thing was as this pianoist played, it was BEAUTIFUL, and compared to all that I had played thru the years—it was a "wake up" call—to see myself as I really am—no frills—-

You know what?? I feel so MUCH better after figuring out what was REALLY hurting, then dealing with it—each time I manage to do that, it becomes easier and eases that UNKNOWN PAIN that haunts some of us! Denying that I was angry and bottling it up, was why I got to thinking, even KNOWING, that EVERYONE HATED ME, including myself, got so paranoid—so honesty is the best policy, but a step at a time, for some of us!! As THEY say, "Rome wasn't built in a day"! hahah- (Are they sure??—-just being onery—-) Pat R

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-18 10:53:19 -0600 Report

Pat, this is all so very interesting. I am anxious to reply to it. However, I have an appointment with one of my therapists in a little bit, so I have got to get ready for that…Hope I will feel better emotionally after I talk with him…I will get back to this, this afternoon…Love, and hugs to you…Sue

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-18 13:46:22 -0600 Report

Sure, I have an appt with mine tomorrow afternoon, she took off 3 mos to have her baby so it should be interesting!! Thank Heavens for this site or I couldn't have made it this long without venting—am finally running out of stuff, can think better on my own—-Yeah!! BUT must be careful as I sure do NOT want a back set!! TAin't purty!!! Hugs, Pat R

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-19 11:44:17 -0600 Report

Hi Pat,

Hope your appointment goes better for you today, than mine did for me yesterday…I only see this man once a month, and yesterday, I was all prepared with all the things that I wanted to discuss with him, and he gave me about 10 minutes, charged me $100.00, faxed in my Rx for my meds, and that was it… I told my husband that I felt more confused, and frustrated after I saw him, than I did before…If it weren't for the fact that he prescribes my medication for me, I would just stop seeing him altogether! I like my other therapist much better, and she has helped me so much, but she is not a Dr., and can't write my Rxs for me…And, I can't seem to get my medical Dr., even my Endocrinologist to give me a Rx for this medication…That doesn't make any sense at all, because, it was my medical Dr. who prescribed them to begin with…Very frustrating!!!
I know what you mean about going into all of these painful things because they just bring back bad memories…So, if you don't want to go into it, that is perfectly fine; I understand…
Let me know how your visit goes today…I will be looking forward to hearing from you…Hope all goes well for you…Love and hugs, Sue

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-19 21:54:01 -0600 Report

Hi, Sue!! Maybe I can help enlighten the difference between a Dr prescribing meds and your regular therapist who is paid to LISTEN, usually for a full hour, here. The psychiatrist is so rushed, that he just gets a dab of info, mostly to decide if you still need your meds, or maybe if you are feeling better, cut the dosage a bit—they don't have the time to really LISTEN This has hurt me so, even THO I KNOW WHY—-I try to force him to listen to one or two facts at least—I WILL BE HEARD FROM A STUPID MAN, who just happens to be my psychiatrist—-sounds like a conflict of interests doesn't it?!

And it is, I WANT to LEARN to communicate BETTER with a man that I respect, and that feeling just isn't there with my SWEET, YOUNG FEMALE therapist, who just had a baby and I get to feeling sorry for HER, her loss of sleep with a newborn,and just a tad guilty (my old enemy!!!) because I have to talk to her!! It was pathetic to ME that I should have to pay a KID to listen to my own thinking, how in the world could SHE ever UNDERSTAND where I was coming from!! And so, I was torn!!!

But the saying, everything happens for a reason, kept popping into my head, so I just talked and talked, she actually said little, BUT I had gotten it off of MY chest, so to speak—-I learned to THINK thru it on my own, and yes, I was angry and resentful a LOT!!! I am No ANGEL, believe me, some of the torturous thoughts that invade my space at times, would wilt the spirit of MOST!!

But, what other way is there??!! Do I want to continue on in this hateful, mean-spirited frame of mind__HEAVENS NO—and since I am learning better coping skills, the inner anger is easing, I don't have to DEPEND on anyone else, to listen is OK, even if they don't get it—why would they?? We are all made up of our own experiences, over which no other person has been there, or will ever know, as they have their own issues!!

We have to vent, yes—but replace that anger with something positive, or that anger will eat you ALIVE, as we BOTH KNOW!! A piss and moansite? hmm—maybe at one time I would have agreed, BUT it is so easy for one to get caught up in their own pissing, that they drown! Not a sanitary way to go—-

It is up to all of us to VENT as we see fit, hopefully in doing so we can learn to see the wisdom of WHAT to say, and WHAT NOT to say—will I regret the thoughts I am expressing!! Boy, I have been down THAT road too many times, so am TRYING to learn to stand up for myself without tromping on someone else, as that makes me FEEL WORSE!! And frankly, I don't have any space for any more of that anger—I am trying to rid myself of it, not make it worse!

So, as for me, I try to learn better coping skills WITH the time I am given, and am gradually learning to NOT resent his time as he is so BUSY, had some health issues himself, and if I ever want to learn to think of othersand not resent them because they aren't furnishing WHAT I WANT AND EXPECT, I am getting softer, ask HIM how he feels, but I ONLY WANT a SHORT ANSWER, THANK YOU!! hahah— I am still pretty self-centered in trying to get better, maybe even WELL!!

Today was my hour session, I asked her how much her baby weighed, told her mine was a boy too, and weighed the same, but didn't care to go any further with her on THAT topcic—don't think that they are supposed to anyway, that is OUR time and we do still have the right to expect that mOST of it will be used on us!! It is our turn!!

I told her today that all of my life I had wanted to be cared for as a child, NOT the caregiver so young——-and feltSO GUILTY because I did, so after mom died 2 years ago at 98 yrs I was in a BAD SHAPE!! But am seeing things differently now, can cut some others a little slack for being human, don't KNOW that everyone is OUT TO GET ME etc—-Actually, we are all in the same boat, and no one needs to feel that they have to have the WORST case of depression before they qualify to be HELPED and to FEEL GOOD! It is long row to hoe, and it tain't easy, and frankly, I am not even sure that it is worth it!! But the alternative????? NO!!! I am stubborn and I will SURVIVE, no matter what!!

Now how SWEET is that??!! haha—Best of Love and Health in your own fight to LIVE, SUE!!! Hugs, Pat Roth

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-20 10:51:57 -0600 Report

Thanks for that Pat,
I have so much to say that it becomes overwhelming, because you just don't know where to start…
My whole life I have taken care of someone as well. When, I was just in grade school, my cousin and I would sit up all night with my grandfather, and take care of him, then go to school the next day…I did it, because my mother refused to, and it was her father…Something that a child should not have to do…Then, I took care of both my parents after they became ill with Alzheimer's disease, until they died…But, that was then, and this is now.
Back to the therapy issues…I truly love my lady therapist…And, right now she is going through breast cancer, had a partial mastectomy on Monday, after she heals from that, she will be doing radiation…I told her one day that I felt so badly sitting there pouring out all of my problems to her, when she was going through this terrible bout with cancer…She said, "that doesn't bother me at all, this is what I do!"
My male therapist has written a book, now has a radio talk program, and is working on another book…I think his interests now lie more toward doing those things, than the care, and interest of his patients…I don't know, but that is just what I am getting anyway…He only sees patients 3-4 days a week, and the rest of the time is spent doing these other things…
Oh, here I am pissing and moaning…LOL
I am having eye problems this morning, and have put in a call to the eye doctor, and am waiting for his nurse to call me back…I will continue this discussion a little later…Take care of you…And, you are right, WE WILL SURVIVE!!!! Hugs, and love to you, Sue

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-20 13:49:54 -0600 Report

Wow, I am IMPRESSEDD that you are One of the FEW that your Dr is seeing!! With such a promint man, it is a wonder he makes even 10 minutes time to see you—-he can probably see beyond your stress, to the relaxed, wonderful woman that you REALLY ARE!

At first, I didn't UNDERSTAND that the psychiatrist's job is mostly to prescribe our meds, mine sees me too for only 10 mins.. I USED to think that "he didn't like me" a part of our illness, NO ONE LOVES ME, How could they if they knew the REAL, INNER ME and we are so desparate to SHARE and see if then they can still LIKE us! AT least that is how I worked it out—-

My first therapist had cancer too, wore a scarf to cover her head—-BUT she also found her job to be a calling, to help folks like us that are in turmoil, struggling so HARD to find our way OUT! I too was a bit embarrassed to visit with her, knew of others who were worse off, till one day, I admitted that while that may be true, How I WAS FEELING was ALL that I could handle, and I desperately NEEDED HELP, and I had that right—-but did try to understand her, then slowly—others (mostly thru this site—)tried to see that others do have their own issues, mine weren't the worst, BUT That did not mean that I wasn't worth getting well, and if it took "letting it all out" to a neutral 3rd party, it just had to be that way, for the present!

But it is better, I do NOT feel so Guilty and know that I really wasn't wallowing in SELF PITY (something that we are all geared to think is a No-no—) Some times it is just necessary to VENT, get it OUT, learn to love and accept others—-slowly——feeling better as I went—-then gradually began to feel entitled to FEELING Better—-THat is a GOOD THING, makes us a softer, more loveable person with more to GIVE without feeling threatened, or WEAk , Scared and HURT—-Learn that each time we make someone else feel better, but NOT AT OUR EXPENSE—The fatigue—just do small, simple things of your choice, not allow yourself to be drug in over your head, now that you are older, you have the power to take charge of your life, still care for others as you feel fit—-BUT still care for yourself, it is NOT WRONG to alllow yourself some time of your own, to not work so many hours that resentment BUILDS, takes charge, and I so hope that some of these words have helped!! I so NEED to FEEL that I have helped someone, even if it is in a limited manner, as I am older and have to ACCEPT that I can only do so much, no matter how much I WANT to do more—we are all human, and we MUST take care of ourselves first!

When I finally had to put my 98 yr old mother in a rest home, she lived 10 mos more, got her meds on time, good meals, and with others to visit with 24-7, she didn't get so paranoid—and sorry for herself as there were others there to distract her. Something that I could NO LONGER DO!

Boy, did I catch FLACK over that one, again, no one else knew what I had been dealing with—-or the state of my nerves etc—gradually as I weighed the pros and cons, I REALIZED that I had made the best decision for both of us—-and let the chips fall where they may! THAT ABOUT KILLED ME!!! But I have Learned that one has to check themselves out, and KNOW in your own HEART that you are doing the right thing—and others may get it, later on, then maybe now, but it is NOT up to me to MAKE them understand—so visited her often, taking her out on trips, in their gardens, and she was always glad to see me, I can still see her uplifted arms—-in greeting—-saved my energies in trying to soften her last days as best I could! Then deal with myself—later! Well, Later is here—so, it is just in the chain of things! I have few regrets re- my mother, she did her best "with what she knew at the time" so if I could forgive her, I am in hopes that others will forgive me, but I KNOW that GOD has! So, what else matters? I know, a few close friends here on earth, courtesy of God, do help!! Remembering, then FORGIVING are key!! Much strenght to you on your own struggles and may you find the words to give PEACE to your HEART!!! Love you and HUGS< PAt R

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-15 22:33:37 -0600 Report

I have FINALLY dug thru and am coming up and out and am trying to share how I felt, in hopes that it might help someone. You have already witnessed SOME of my angry retorts when a certain button was pushed! NOT who I REALLY am!! As James has said, "my emotions were leaking" and one spark and they erupt!

However, I now have enough pain vented, seen it thru others' eyes, still have horrible dreams—-ghosts riding wild horses with bloody machetes whirling over head, setting enormous fires to churches and all, as they plundered past—-one night I was in a deep, dark, musty basement, wheeling big wheel barrows full of dead and dying older folks into a musky room with a big furnace door wide open with fires roaring forth—-I kept trying and trying to escape, followed this path, then that one, only to finally find a narrow slit in the dark wall, with sunshine and cactus outside, only to find my escape, blocked!

I dream like this every night, sometimes I just can't tell if it is really true or just a dream. When I was 3 years old, I dreamed of trying to cross a long bridge, but the further I went the flimsier it got, until it turned into a single rope, and I was lost——at 8 yrs I recall dreaming of an earthquake, the ground splitting and opening to flames, underneath my flying little feet—SCARED!

And so it goes, I take my antipsychotics, and am thankful that if even I dream so horribly, it takes the sting and horror from them, until the source was located and reamed out! That is part of my story, probably not as bad as some, but it has taken EVERYTHING in my soul and body to come out this far—-77 years, about time I would say! Is it worth it—I suppose so, but I really have a hard time saying that it made me a stronger person! I like to think that surely there is an easier way to become a stronger character—-but I may never get to THAT point—nor do I HAVE TO!! My great grandfather died in an insane asylum, he had fought in the Civil War, so was very confrontational (beat his wife and 4 sons) he was there for 17 years, died alone, the family had lost track of him—-as his records show—-my daughter "found him" in her study of ancesters. No, I am not glad that my feet have trod this path, but am thankful to have come this far, in one piece! Was it easy???!! Of course NOT!! I still can't remember many years—-but the pain is easing—-now I know what and how, and can work WITH IT instead of it overwhelming me. Amen! Rest in Peace! Pat Roth

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-16 10:07:15 -0600 Report

Prais the Lord! Pat, it has taken so long for you to get to where you are now, and it doesn't seem fair that some of us have to suffer such mental anguish along the way…I get so tired at times, that I just want to give up, but I know that I can't, and I keep struggling along, hoping and praying all the way…I keep telling myself that I WILL get there…I have mentioned that my little grandson suffers from these terrible things, and it breaks my heart, because I have experienced them, and know how painful the road is…When it first started with him, he asked him mother, he said, "Mom, how can I be a Christian, and have these horrible thoughts go through my mind?" That just broke my heart into… He is on medication now, and seems to be doing fine. His mother keeps him busy.. I know it is hard work for her…But, we can ask why all day long, and it is not going to help. I guess, like they say, one day at a time. If we make it through that day, we can thank God, and start working on the next day when it gets here…God bless,and hold each and everyone in his never changing hand, who suffers with this horrible afliction…Hugs to you Pat, Sue

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-16 12:41:59 -0600 Report

Thank you for the HUGS, Sue, I do FEEL them—-so SORRY that your grandson is afflicted too—to me it is far worse than this pesky diabetis, but then I have no complications from it yet—just have to think a bit more than I had—

When I would be hospitalized they would ask if any of my ancesters had had such problems, I have mentioned my grandfather—-am wondering if a chemical imbalance doesn't have something to do with our wild thoughts! My first psychiatrist told me over 40 years ago, that I would need medicine the rest of my life, some gland doesn't produce enough—something!! Since I was put on different meds, I FINALLY could STAND to work down and thru the CLUTTER, putting it nicely—then the thyroid is mentioned, diabetis, maybe all because of a horomonal lack? In a lesson we had at EHU, vitaming D is a horomone, not a vitamin. Gives me more food for thought—-We can control just so much, then it has to come bursting out.

To me, I think that better coping skills have helped so much, instead of trying to PLEASE to a fault, KNOW who you are and LEARN to protect and stand up for yourself, and not have it invade our minds and thoughts—-Still working, but now have HOPE! Thank you for your patience!! Hugs, Pat R

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-16 18:23:53 -0600 Report

Pat, I too think that this mental thing is much worse than the diabetes…We know that we can control the diabetes, but we can't always control these awful thoughts that goes through our minds…You know, they are always saying that diabetes can cause, stroke, heart attack, etc.,etc., and, we know that this is all true…But, sometimes, I think that these horrible thoughts that pop into my head, is going to give me a stroke, or heart attack…LOL Speaking of ancestors and family members with such problems, I know that this runs in my family. Just about everyone I know on both, my father's and my mother's side of the family, or most, anyway, suffered with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, so, yes, I do believe that it is heretitary…I know that my mother had problems, but they just didn't know a whole lot about that sort of thing in her time, and she delt with it the only way she knew how, BEING MEAN! LOL…No, seriously, aftere I grew up, I realized that my mother had a problem, and most of the things that she said and did, was not how she really felt in her heart…Things that she said and did to me was very hurtful, but now, I realize that that was not my mother…I forgave her… See, that is strange, I can see that she had a problem and, I could forgive her for the things she did, but I can't forgive myself…Well, I didn't mean to ramble on, but I could go on with stories forever it seems, but, then I would not get anything else done…LOL
You are right, we have just got to learn new coping skills, and not let these things terrify us so badly, and realize that it is an illness, and something that is out of our control…I will soon be 63 years old, and I'm TIRED! Hugs, Sue

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-16 19:45:47 -0600 Report

Boy, wish we could take pleasant tour to the Carribean and soak in the sun and sand, sipping—water!! hah—I couldn't stand to face my mom with any words just kept it all inside as I had programmed that if I upset her, I was the WORST!! Finally figured out WHY, so now can deal with it—-she did have her problems, but she seemed so nice to everyone else, and to me——but UNDERNEATH she (I FELT) hated me, I see now, 2 years after her death (she was 98 yrs) that I did my best no matter what, and even tho I FELT resentment and other "naughty" feelings, I tried so hard to not let it show, as James has said, but feelings LEAK so others thought that my stinky attitude was all my fault—ungrateful brat!! grumble——grumble——haha

Now I can forgive her and dad, they tried their best, so hope that my best will suffice with our 4 kids—-it is horrible to be responsible for others with so much buried anger—-
Anyway—-I finally found Peace in my soul, I did the best that I could and even tho THEY say that to "think a thing is as bad as DOING it"—I have to disagree—-for my own survival!! May God Bless and Forgive us all as we forgive ourselves!! Hugs, Pat R

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-17 13:44:29 -0600 Report

Boy, Pat, that tour of the Carribean sure sounds good! Maybe we can go there in our minds, huh! I don't know what has been wrong with me lately, but I have been very emotional, and all I want to do is cry… I feel like a big "OLE" baby…LOL Thank goodness, tomorrow I have an appointment with one of my therapists, maybe he will be able to help me to feel better…One can only hope! I will let you know how it goes… My mother would say horrible things to me like, "I wish you were dead and in hell!" Just mean and hurtful things, and those things would really break my heart, especially when you are a child, and you don't know what you did to cause her to say those things…Lot's of times she would be mad at my dad, and take out her revenge on whomever was available at the time…I know she didn't mean the things she said… He would leave; go to visit with his family in Indiana, and leave her with all the worries and responsibilities…I know she was very angry, frustrated, and scared…I forgave her for those things… I mostly felt sorry for her…I didn't understand at the time, but after I became a woman myself, had a family, and had to deal with the ex, I could understand how she could feel that way…I know that there were times that I would take out my fears and frustrations on my little family, and that is one of the things that I feel guilty about today, but that was then, and I did the best I could at the time…I was struggling with all of this mental stuff, scared to death myself…I know I can't go back and change anything. I have told my daughters, if I could go back and change things, I would, but I can't… I have got to forgive myself for my trangressions…I can forgive everyone else, but I can't seem to get to the place to forgive myself…That's sad! But, I am stubborn, and I want give up, I will continue to fight the fight, and hopefully one day, I will get there…Hugs, Sue

gma 2010-01-15 19:13:51 -0600 Report

I have that to. Mine is panic attacks I take zanic for it as needed. It is anxiety disorder I can get so bad I always fear something is going to happen to my kids just stupid stuff like that.alot of bad thoughts I have had mine way before becoming a Diabetic

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-15 19:25:39 -0600 Report

gma, I too have had this problem for years…It started when I was in my early teens…It just gets worse when I am under a lot of stress, or am afraid of something…And, I am also on an anti-anxiety medication for the anxiety, and panic attacks…

gma 2010-01-16 08:58:56 -0600 Report

I do know I worry way to much. I try to tell myself Let go and give it to God it helps sometimes. And the winter is the worse time for me.

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-16 09:23:31 -0600 Report

gma, I know what you mean because I do the same thing. I worry way too much…I pray daily for the strength to put these horrible worries from my mind. I give it to God, then I take it back…We are going to have to give it to Him, and leave it there, right! Hugs, Sue

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-16 09:45:48 -0600 Report

gma, winter is worse for me too. If, I can look out and see the sun shinning, it helps…I can't stand the dark dreary days, they really tend to get me down…Summer will be here soon; we can start looking forward to that!

gma 2010-01-16 18:31:03 -0600 Report

I see we are so much alike!!! I will be there to listen to you and you can be for me too. ok I feel the same way about the sun I will be happy when it warms up.

cc9 2010-01-16 19:05:38 -0600 Report

maybe the happy light that someone mentioned maybe helpful on days when you cant see the light. i am so lucky bec i get the sun and light almost daily. i dont like the humidity though. i wonder if vit d helps during winter?

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-15 10:37:13 -0600 Report

I haven't read all of the posts, but my answer is Post Truamatic Syndrome, at least that is what I have been told. For me it was "trying to NOT think of certain, horrifying things, that got twisted in my FIGHTING them and trying so HARD to NOT let them enter my mind.

For me, on meds and therapy, I allowed myself, a bit at a time, to LET THOSE thoughts come to the surface—-then tried to work thru them—-what really did happen, WHY—-normal curiosity as a child, or something that happened to you over which you had no control. Why did it happen, was it due to the other person's upbringing, or lack of it, what weree THEIR parents like, does it go back to a family problem over which you had no control? Do you have control now? Can you start NOW to gain control and not be the victim? Was it anything that I actually did, or was insinuated that I did, HONESTY—-did I do anything or was I allowing myself to think and feel that "it was all my fault!" Was it? I doubt it!! It takes two to tango!

Once I got a lot of undercurrent turmoil resolved, I no longer had these recurring, horrible feelings and thoughts—they were just wanting to escape my mind, but suppressed, they became demons of their own, obsessing me, but once FACED they disappeared in the new LIGHT, the sunshine—-the shadows are what makes them so ominous!!
I so hope that this helps, Sue!! Love and Hugs, Pat R

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-15 14:22:35 -0600 Report

Pat, that sounds so much like what I am trying to describe…These horrifying thoughts in my head; the more I try to fight them, the more they are there…And, I have been told the same thing in order to heal, I have got to sit back, relax, stop fighting, let them come, observe them, and let them go…But they terrify me so badly, it's really hard for me to do that…So, I fight, then the fear and anxiety comes into play, and it just gets worse and worse…But, I really do think you understand what I am describing here…And, when I am under a lot of stress, it tends to get worse…When these things start happening, I get very angry and frustrated with myself…And, I think why can't I control these things/these thoughts? Then I become more angry at myself; it is a vicious cycle! It just goes on and on…Hopefull, someday, I will find some peace, and be able to enjoy life, as much as possible anyway! But, you are right it is like being posessed by deamons… Think I need to call in the "EXORCIST?" LOL. That really isn't funny, but that is how you feel!…

cc9 2010-01-15 19:11:35 -0600 Report

the other part of just observing and letting it go is to MAKE NO JUDGEMENTS. try it what have you got to lose? what is the worst possible thing that can happen? it will be challenging but like all skills the more you practise the easier it gets and then it becomes second nature.

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-15 19:21:56 -0600 Report

I am always waiting for that bolt of lightening to come down out of the heavens, and strike me down for having these horrible thoughts!!!

Danni-the-diabetic 2010-01-14 23:06:40 -0600 Report

Hey Sue. A couple years ago I talked to a therapist about having the same kind of thought: people close to me dying. She said it was called something like obsessive thoughts - it's called what it is. I have also had a …troubled childhood and have PTSD, so that does play a role because with that comes anxiety. When those thoughts starting playing in my head they would drive me so freaking crazy, so I would run until my legs literally couldn't take it anymore. My sugars weren't very controlled either, so I am sure that played a role in all of that too, from them going up and down. Is there something active you can do when you start to have those thoughts running through your head? Sometimes even watching a good comedy helps me. Laughter is the best medicine :)

cc9 2010-01-15 02:01:50 -0600 Report

yeah having a good laugh helps a lot as it releases brain chemicals to lift your mood. if you have ptsd thinking about bad things happening is like part and parcel of the bundle.

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-15 14:10:53 -0600 Report

I know Danni, you just want to run away…But you can't run from yourself, or your mind! I have told my husband when it would get really bad, that I would like to start running and run as fast as I can to try and get away from all of these awful thoughts in my head, but with only one good knee, I don't think I could run fast enough…LOL You may think me terrible, but I have a lot of thougts about God and religion, awful thoughts pop into my head, and it is very horrifying, because I know that that is not the person I am, and I just want it to go away… I am always looking for a bolt of lightening to strike me down…One of my therapists said it is called religious abuse considering my religious background…It was used to control and manipulate you…My ex husband used it as a controlling tool as well…If, I stepped out of line,(his line, that is) look out!

Danni-the-diabetic 2010-01-16 01:20:37 -0600 Report

Wow, Im sorry Sue! I don't think you're bad…Speaking for myself, I have had bad thoughts, and it's okay, just don't act on them lol. Im sorry your ex got to you by religion. I hold God and my religion close to me (but not as close as I should), especially when I am feeling defeated or have the "revengeful" thoughts lol. Try not to let your ex take the best of you, you deserve better than that! ((HUGS))

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2010-01-16 12:33:46 -0600 Report

Danni, I love your positive input and posts! I think that I used to be like that before the big collapse—-I know excuses, but I just got too tired ——never mind——PR

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-17 12:59:30 -0600 Report

Danni, I hold my religion close to me also…I pray daily, as I have mentioned many, many times for the strength to put these things from my mind…Have you ever heard the term religious scrupulosity? When a Christian Can't Stop Thinking Blasphemous Thoughs…I have done a lot of research on this, and there are millions of people who suffer from it…Even in the Biblical days, some of the prophets suffered from these things…This article was written by Grantley Morris! I have found that lots of spiritual leaders suffer from it…Any way, I just thought I would throw that in…Just another one of those crazy things that I suffer from, and worry about…Hugs, Sue

Pam from KCMO
Pam from KCMO 2010-01-16 18:32:33 -0600 Report

People like your ex give religion a bad name.

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-17 12:41:57 -0600 Report

Pam, you are so right…His family was so self-righteous, that they thought they were above everyone else, and that they could do no wrong…Then, the things they would do was very confusing…And here is my husband out with another woman (a married woman no less) going to church with her, and trying to make me feel as though I am this horrible person, when I am at home taking care of two small babies during that time, not knowing what was going to happen…That's when I stared having these horrible thoughts about God…I knew that was not me, nor how I felt, and I didn't want those thoughts there… I had a lot of anger and frustration at that time. I ended up having a nervous breakdown, and took myself to a psyciatric hospital…I begged them to admit me; I told them that I had to be crazy… I was mentally and physically exhausted, and my mind just couldn't handle any more stress…The doctors there told me, "Sue, there is nothing wrong with you, and you don't belong here; You are not the one with the problem!"…They kept me for a few days to give me some rest, then sent me home…

Pam from KCMO
Pam from KCMO 2010-01-18 05:25:34 -0600 Report

All I can say is, Thank God he's your EX-husband, Sue! :)

Self-righteousness and sanctimony in any form - religious, political, whatever - makes me want to run screaming from the room. Or argue, which in the face of their certainty is a losing battle.

For me, the times of greatest inner growth have been the times of greatest pain. Once I'm (finally) through it, I can look back and see that it helped me become a better and stronger person. Or at least become who I am now.

That, I think, is our God-given purpose in this life: to endure the challenges life throws at us and to become better human beings. And, most of all, to love one another. Or try to, anyway! (Some people don't make it very easy…)

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-18 10:45:34 -0600 Report

Good Morning, Pam,

I say that too; those things make me want to run screaming out of the room, or slap someone up side the head with a 2x4! LOL

He thought that if he kept me scared enough with the punishment thing, that I wasn't going anywhere…It's a shame that someone is so insecure, that they have to use those tactics to control someone…He deffinately has a "mental" problem, and he is always telling me, when he gets a chance to, that 'I'M CRAZY!' Who is the crazy one here????? And, I am the one who suffers, by feeling guilty all the time… At one time he had me so down, that I got it into my head that I had committed the unpardonable sin; now, that, was hell on earth; the horrible mental anguish I went through. Even though, I knew better, I was so week mentally that I couldn't fight it…It nearly destroyed me…Oh, well, enough about that! I hope that all the pain I have endured, has made me a better, more understanding, compassionate person. I think it has, because with all the anger, I could have gone the other way, but, then, that is just not my make-up, and not the person I am, and for that I am thankful…I think that my ex is a sociopath, he has no conscience; it just doesn't bother him, the things he has done; he feels as though he is this great person who has never done anything wrong in his life…Should he slip, and think that he did something wrong, it was always someone else's fault…Oh, well, maybe one of these days when I have talked about this enough, I will get so tired of it, that I will be able to let it go! :) One can only hope!!!! Hugs, Sue

Pam from KCMO
Pam from KCMO 2010-01-18 18:20:31 -0600 Report

Sociopath sounds about right. You might also throw in narcissistic - my ex was both, along with being an alcoholic. (My brother the shrink gave me that actual diagnosis - whoops, he gave me this one: alcoholic narcissistic PSYCHOpath.)

The words your ex throws at you don't matter, because they're coming from someone with an unreal, twisted view of the world and of himself. Only YOU know who you are, what you've endured, and the ways in which you're thriving now.

Scr*w him.

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-24 17:51:10 -0600 Report

LOL, thanks Pam, I needed that :) I have been struggling all day today with remembering things that he did to me for all of those years…I have been trying to put them from my mind, but it has been hard, and with my BS levels going from the 200s to bottoming out, it really makes it hard to fight these things…And, I just get so darned tired of fighting!… I don't think that there is another woman on this earth who would put up with what I did…He only dates young girls,(and not very bright ones at that) and he is 63 years old, but he knows that he can manipulate and control them… Oh, well, like you said scr*w him!!!! :)

cc9 2010-01-25 01:19:32 -0600 Report

yep. its about control and power. now that you have got rid of him, reclaim your power. you cant change the past but you surely can stop giviing him the power to continue ruining your life. you are too precious and beautiful to let that scumbag drag you down. love and hugs.

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-25 18:23:14 -0600 Report

You are right cc,

While I dwell on, and feel guilty about all the bad things that this man did to me in the past, I am giving him power and control over my life…And, like you said, I need to take back my power…I've got to pull my head out of my butt, and get on with life…I have got to put the past where it belongs, and leave it there…I have got to realize that this man is a very sick man, and remind myself that he nearly destroyed me… Hugs, and lots of love to you, Sue

cc9 2010-01-25 20:28:03 -0600 Report

sue you dont have to feel guilty about anything he did to you. thats how they end up smelling like roses bec they shift the responsibility away from them. you didnt ask for it. you didnt deserve it. learning to leave it in the past will not be easy but it will get easier as you do it more and more and as you achieve the things you want for yourself. i am always here for you.

Sue Turner
Sue Turner 2010-01-26 10:35:14 -0600 Report

Oh, cc,
Your are so right…He use to use that saying all the time! He would say to me, "no matter what I do, I will always come out smelling like a rose!" He has never taken ownership for anythig that he has done…He always brags about what a good guy he is…He puts everyone down, belittles them, and degrades them. I think that he feels that he has to do that in order to feel better about himself… Like I said, he is a VERY sick man…That is why I don't understand why the things that he does now, bothers me so much!!!! It frustrates me so badly, that I would like to slap him up side the head with a 2x4 or something!!! :) I would just like to see him not come out of a situation smelling like a rose. In all actuality, it is only in HIS mind that he comes out smelling like a rose… Other people can see him for what he really is!

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