Well..I tried to make myself private…but for some reason my name still showed up. Only because of pure embarassment for what Im about to say. Im hopping maybe some of you can relate to me or have some sulutions that might help. Im really not comfortable saying all this…but maybe a dose of reality might help me. And I am new here..and dont really know any of you…so a strangers word might be better anyway.
My diabetes in out of controle. The more I try the more I sabatosh myself. I smoke like a crazy woman. The more I think about quitting the more I smoke. The more I think about going on a diet or even eating right…the more I eat and find the worst things to eat. Example…I have a freezer full of Healthy Choise meals. They have been there for 2 weeks. I have a bag of salad..turning brown. Yesterday…I got out of work and had full intentions of going home and eating a frozen dinner. I got in my head I wanted a chile dog before I left the parking lot. So Im driving saying to myself..no go home…I turned left instead of right and went to the hot dog joint and got a chille dog…a polish sausage dog and ate them on the way home! Wolfed them down. Hid the evadence from my husband. The night before..same thing..pizza…went and got a giant slice and ate it on the way home…and hid it. I do this quite often. When I get home…I snack and snack on top of what I allready ate. Im good at breakfast and pretty good at lunch..but when supper comes…all I want to do is eat! All the time Im saying to myself…you shouldnt be doing this…why are you doing this? The more I think about it the more I eat. Every day i say Im going to quit smoking…every day I go and buy another pack. I have alot of trouble with my meds..I get sick from them so I have been on alot of different ones. I just got taken off one that worked well but made me real sick, so now Im taking 45-50 units of levimer at bed time and 4ml of glimpizide in the morning and 4ml in the evening. I have an appointment at a speclist on the 19th. Im sure they will give me a whole new batch of meds and I can start all over again expirimenting for months to see if they work. My numbers are everywhere. Some times I dont care. Some times I want to give up. Some times its so damn hard to keep up on all I have to do for my self. I feel so overwellmed and alone. My husband is 100% unsuppotive. I wake up at 4:30 am and Im at work by 8:30am. I do most days get a 2 mile walk in the morning! 1 good thing! I dont get home from work untill 7 or 7:30 pm. And in bed by 9:30. I get one lunch break at 12:30 -1:30 in the day. Im lucky if I get a bathroom break durring the day…let alone take time to eat a snack on time or check my sugar or keep that very impotant food and bs log book. I did that for a while and it worked…But I spent every waking hour I had consentrating on all that stuff…never time for me or anything else. I am so busy all day…the time flys by me. I am a public transpotation bus driver. All I do all day is carry sick people to their Doctors. And everyday I carry Diallisis people to their 3 day a week diallisis appointments. I see what is going to happen to me some day… everyday. I have NO trust in doctors at all. The more people I see going to the docs all the time…the sicker they get…the more pills they are on. I have regular passengers dieing all the time. But still I dont comply. Or is it cause I just have no time? I have to have my job. I cant change jobs. I am what I am and glad I have inurance and a pay check. Also..I have been to diabetes classes 3 times and am VERY informed about what I am supost to do and have read many books and studdied alot..so its not that I dont know. I can dish out lots of advice…but dont listen to it myself. So people Im ready for you to let me have it. Can some one tell me what the heck is wrong with me and why do I keep hurting myself…knowingly? I have no self contol at all.
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