By Judimar Latest Reply 2009-11-16 00:01:19 -0600
Started 2009-11-13 04:46:23 -0600

Hi Everyone,

I haven't been around much, sorry. Seems like things are snowballing here for me.

My husband told me that in January they are changing our insurance coverage back to Aetna which has me so angry and upset right now I can't even think of where to start with why…

and last Wednesday we rushed my dog Ethan to the vet. He was lethargic and would not eat… not even bread. Eric rushed home and scooped him up and we went almost an hour early to the animal hospital.

As soon as we walked in (Eric was carrying him in his arms) they rushed him into the exam room. I had to stay back and fill out some paperwork.

When I walked in the vet was examing him. She had this look on her face and I knew it was bad. She let me feel a very hard lump in his abdominal area. She said she thought it was cancer and he was so weak she was afraid he wouldn't survive surgery. So.. I had to make the decision to put him down. She also asked if she could do an autopsy on him. I was so torn about this… but I decided if there was something she could learn from it that could possibly help another animal it would be a good thing. She reassured me that I had done all I could for Ethan.

Now I am so angry with myself. Why didn't I see how sick he was sooner? He was such a good dog. I had him for 10 years or so and so I wrote off some of the symptoms he exhibited to old age because he was 12 or so. I feel like I failed him in so many ways.

Now I have all this bottled up anger inside me and I don't know what to do about it…my blood sugars are spiking and I am sure it's over being upset. I have found myself snapping at Eric for the smallest and stupidest of things. I apologize but it makes me feel worse. He's going through this loss just as much as I am. So here I am venting to you all.

If you actually read through this jumbled message please accept my apology. I just had to get this out.

Thanks for listening!


14 replies

Turtle 2009-11-15 21:55:06 -0600 Report

You are one of my friends. With that reminder, I want to say,,,yes I read every word of your post and I feel your pain.

I have had to make that difficult decision about a loved pet several times. I know it is difficult.

Have you watched Marley and Me? It is a wonderful movie about a family w/ a dog. In the end of the movie, Marley needs to be put to sleep. This movie is great due to all its packed emotions.

Cry, yell (not at Eric), lol…pray, and celebrate your dogs life. Light a white candle and read some favorite poems or play some favorite music or both and include Eric if you can because as you pointed out, he is grieving too.

Do not worry about ins. now. Rest in the fact that you have it. Take care of your feelings now and help Eric too. Grief leads us to anger. Anger is part of the grieving process so what you are going thru is normal…embrace it, it is yours and it is OK.

My prayers are with you and your family,
hugs if ok,

Karen(Lamb)Garber 2009-11-16 00:01:19 -0600 Report

I am Native American and we, here on the reservation feel the animals are our brothers and sisters. "Fur People" if you will. There is never shame in crying and grieving for a fur person you had in your home and heart for 12 years.
Think of the times when you were out of sorts and Ethan came along and took away the blues for you. That was his job. I didn't know him or you for that matter…but I'm pretty sure your loyal fur person would try his best to make you feel better NOW…especially since he cannot be physically with you. Act the way you would if he were here. That may help the grief. I had a blue Russian cat mate named Smokey, for over 11 years. She just walked away one day to die. I never saw her again and remembering our spiritual connection helped me get through the tunnel of grief. I remembered the good things and times we had. She will always be in my heart. I will add you to my prayer list.

2009-11-14 13:52:30 -0600 Report terrier has been dead since 2007 and I am still grieving him. Can't bring myself to get another dog. I do have a goldfish (Hampton) but I just can't replace Brutus Octavius with another dog right now. I am sorry about sorry.

PDStanley 2009-11-14 12:00:45 -0600 Report

Judi…You don't know me and I don't know you…I am new here. But I can tell you that I honestly have been where you are. My husband and I chose not to have children so we always had dogs. We had an 11.5 yr old beauty. We came home one day to a horrible stench…she had lost everything in her bowel. Long story short, after a week in the hospital with our wonderful vet, she was dying of kidney failure. I had to make the decision to put her down. I know she is no longer suffering. That was 9.5 years ago. I now have 2 more children and they are just as special as our precious Sheba was, but in very different ways. I lost my husband and my mother 8 months apart and I honestly don't know what I would've done if it hadn't been for my 2 girls. Yes, I have a wonderfully supportive church family and work family, but it was my girls who were with me at night and morning and all the in-between times. And they are the ones that are with me now when things overwhelm me and I burst into tears. I know I will lose them someday too, but we will all be together…in addition to all their 'sisters' that have gone before and will come after…and we'll have one rousing game of ball! Take care and, as someone said earlier, writing down your feelings does help.


jayabee52 2009-11-13 23:36:31 -0600 Report


I am so sorry to learn about your beloved dog Ethan. I had many dogs throughout my life and they were special to me. Guideposts had an article from Dean Koontz about their Golden Retriever Trixie that was a heartwarming tearjerker. You might like to read it at:

Judi, Please don't be angry at yourself. 12 is a good old age for a dog. That's 84 in people years, not too shabby! I don't know if I'LL make it to 64 much less 84. And if he were with you now he'd probably put his head on your leg and give you one of those "don't feel bad" looks. And he certainly wouldn't want your BGs to spike! You did all you could, and did the best to save him from some terrible suffering. [I have a friend who has a black lab who has diabetes, cancer and arthritic hips, and the poor dog is suffering terribly, but she won't have Luci put down. I feel so for the poor dog because she won't do the hard thing because she doesn't want to feel the grief of losing her dog]

You did the very best you could.

My wife and I will keep you in our prayers.

best wishes

Judimar 2009-11-13 22:54:42 -0600 Report

Thanks everyone… I can't have children and my husband doesn't want any… so Ethan was our child. I do want another dog but it just feels too soon right now. He's only been gone a week and two days.

We miss coming home from the grocery store on Fridays and seeing him in the doorway greeting us.

The reason given for the change in insurance was to save money (the company not us). We had Aetna before and it was a HUGE headache. The company is also wanting my husband to do the job of 5 people on one person's pay.. it's totally ridiculous.

Yes it does seem that things comes in torrents… We lost Eric's uncle in September and Ethan's health started declining…then I needed work on my teeth (more expense)…then news of the impending change in insurance (no one is happy with that but the company) and finally putting Ethan down…

I know that God won't give me more then I can handle… I'm trying to be as positive as I can and I'm praying a lot. But I'm having a hard time sleeping lately… my lips are tingling (I know it's anxiety) and my blood sugar keeps spiking even when I don't eat (yeah I know I need to eat and that doesn't help with the blood sugar) but lately I'm just not hungry…

Just keep me in your prayers please. I know things will look up soon.



Harlen 2009-11-14 08:29:19 -0600 Report

I am so sorry that your going thrue this My wife works at EMMC that the bigest med center in Maine and we got to pay a lot to keep ins its nuts but thats what the US has come too.No buck to small to save no matter who it kills.
Best wishes

ptsparkle 2009-11-13 12:23:31 -0600 Report

We too almost had to go with Aetna. Glad we didn't. Sorry for your loss with your pet. I'm a dog lover, and have had dogs all my life. It was always hard to lose one, but the older one gets, they truly are "one of the family" My oldest daughter just bought her first dog, had her for three days(chihauhau 1.3 lbs.) and got up in middle of night to use restroom, and didn't see her and stepped on her. Only about 10% chance with probable brain damage. She put her down, and of course was devastated. I encouraged her to find another one sooner than later. She did, and is now feeling much better.
Hope you will find another pet soon too. They are always there for us no matter what, and have a calming effect on us. You might try reading "Rescuing Sprite" by Mark Levin. It's a total tear jerker, but lets us all know we have the exact same feelings about our pets. Good luck, hope you feel better real soon.

cussinwolf 2009-11-13 10:36:03 -0600 Report

Judi ,I am so sorry about Ethan. I love the fact that someone here has told you to google "the rainbow bridge". Please do. It is OK to grieve for your pet. Sounds like you had many good years together. You did the right thing at the right time for him. Do not be angry with yourself. Hold on to the positive energy that was Ethan's life and let it guide you through the next few days. Seems like "bad" comes in torrents doesn't it. Google the Serenity prayer.

sweething 2009-11-13 07:57:10 -0600 Report

My vet discovered a mass in my cat's abdomen that hadn't been there 3 weeks before, when my cat became ill suddenly. It was a rapidly growing tumor, which is probably what happened with your dog. You made that difficult decision, and chose to save your precious one from the horrible pain he undoubtedly would have had.You were his very best friend in that moment, and friends like you are hard for animals to come by! If you haven't already read it, Google "Rainbows Bridge". It's a relatively short poem. God bless you for taking the best care of your friend all these years and at the end when it mattered most!


BLC 2009-11-13 06:42:48 -0600 Report

Our insurance will be changing at the first of the year too and because of that I will be required to use generic drugs, I won't be able to use the pharmacy I have used for 20 plus years and there is other things about the insurance deal that has me very upset. I know what you mean about being angry. I am right there with you. I am sorry about your pet. I lost my pet rat in September. I miss her very much. She had an inoperable tumor. I hope things get better for you soon. Its okay to be angry…I have been there. God bless.

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