Help with Husband who is a noncompliant diabetic

Wife of Brent the Diabetic
By Wife of Brent the Diabetic Latest Reply 2018-09-29 13:00:34 -0500
Started 2018-07-21 01:37:13 -0500

My husband is 50, and was diagnosed a diabetic about 4 years ago. He was prescribed medications that he will not take. From time to time he takes the meds, but mostly he does not stick with it. I buy the groceries, and try to make sure the meals at dinner are appropriate for him, but he eats out for breakfast and lunch, and often, like two to three times a week, sends one of our daughters who drives to pick up ice cream from Sonic or Dairy Queen after dinner. The girls know they shouldn't, but if they say they don't want to go, he goes into a rage. His mood is always poor. He is grumpy all the time, and he constantly complains about how he feels. He SAID he would at least exercise if I paid gym fees at Planet Fitness. He literally went with me TWO times, and has not been back since May, almost three months. He tells me he is going to eat like he should, and tells me not to buy certain things at the store, and I do as he asks, but then he eats out, drinks 5 and 6 sodas a day, buys food out of the vending machine at work and snacks all night long. My husband has told me since we got together that he only planned to live to 50. When he was about 45 he moved the age to 55. We've been married 21 years, and I am committed to my husband, so leaving isn't an option, but I could really use some guidance in what to do here. We have four daughters, 8, 11, 16 and 18. Our oldest just finished her first year of college and our youngest just finished 2nd grade. I don't want to be alone in raising our children, and I am SOOOO frustrated. His doctor talks very directly to him. He tells him he is going to die if he does not do something, and it works for about a week, and then my husband stops taking his meds again and eats anything and everything he can get his hands on. My husband has also had high blood pressure for about 18 years. He won't take his medicine for that either. He tells me to divorce him if he has a "life altering" stroke, so I won't be "on the hook" for his medical treatment. I thought if we discussed funeral arrangements, that he would seriously think about his choices, but he just told what he wanted. If it sounds like he has given up, it sounds that way to me too when I read this, but I know him so well, and I can honestly say, he isn't depressed. I feel so helpless. I tell myself that only HE can decide to make the change, but when you are watching someone you love make such poor choices that can and will one day cost my girls and I everything, you cannot help but NEED to try something. So I'm here, begging for any help you all can offer. Thank you so much for your time.

5 replies

velvetaunt 2018-09-29 13:00:34 -0500 Report

Yup, MrsCDogg is right. It is so hard to come to the point of self-awareness of his need to deal with this. Sooner or later he WILL have to deal with it. Just a matter of time. Been there done that!

MrsCDogg 2018-08-02 14:09:51 -0500 Report

The truth is, you can't change anything he does, says or thinks. He is an adult. Leave him alone and when he feels bad enough he will make the changes himself.

Chopstix 2018-08-01 14:27:35 -0500 Report

He sounds like one of those hard to reach people I thought I would be. I was diagnosed as a Type 2 in 2005 after failing my Department of Transportation(DOT) physical at the age of 50. In order to keep working I had to get my head right about it in a hurry. Going to a gym is not for everyone and my choice of exercise, even today, is walking. I also like dancing and I listen to music while I walk. Ask him how would he like to start losing fingers and toes or legs and arms because he refuses to get his blood glucose under control. I'm 5 feet 7 inches and when I was diagnosed I weighed 250 pounds. In 2013 my weight was down to 210 when I had a heart attack and bypass surgery. I was in Alabama on my way to deliver when I had my heart attack. After delivery I was to be headed home to Georgia but that was delayed by a four day stay in the hospital. Two months later the VA Medical Center in Atlanta performed my bypass surgery and the Government put me on disability. While recovering I was also put on insulin and that meant I could not get back behind wheel of a commercial vehicle until I went through the long process of getting a waiver or was taken off insulin. I also came close to losing my house until my disability kicked in. I try to eat as healthy as possible and maybe twice a month we'll eat something fried. Otherwise it's baked, broiled, grilled, steamed, boiled and we use herbs and spices. Just because one has to change their eating habits does not mean one has to eat bland food. I started learning how to cook in elementary school and my grandmother, who cooked professionally, taught us. I'm known on facebook as Enrico Rios and sometimes I will post something that I have cooked. I've even come up with my own recipe or two. I the hardest things I found after my diagnosis to deal with were diet and exercise. I've already mentioned my exercise but the diet while over the road was a challenge. There was a lot of trial and error finding out what foods would and would not spike my glucose levels. I try to stay away from white foods but pasta won't spike me as much as white rice will. I used to eat ice cream now and then but the 8 or so months it's been more like a laxative so I leave it alone. I don't have problems with fruit unless I eat a lot of grapes. I drink coffee still but put cinnamon, ginger and turmeric in it instead sugar or sweetener. Since Splenda came out on the market I can use a bit of it. Stay on your husband and see if you can get him to help you cook and grocery shop. There are some things my wife won't eat unless I cook it. All the best to you two and don't bang him too hard with that pan…

MoCoke 2018-07-24 20:54:14 -0500 Report

Sorry you have a hard-headed hubby. Does he understand what diabetes does to him? I first started out not knowing what having diabetes meant. The doc didn't want to diagnose me with diabetes… I have no idea why, actually. She gave me a glucose monitor to borrow and it came without any directions. I didn't know that there were numbers that were good, too low, or too high. And, I had no clue about diet with carbs fats and protein. And we didn't have the internet. I switched doctors, the new one sent me to diabetes education class ( 9am-noon) one day a week for 5 weeks. Started out with the basics… explaining what diabetes is, how it works on your body, how it came make you feel, etc. Each week we added a new topic. We learned about carbs, fats, proteins. What they were, how to count them, how to use them to our advantage, what a "good" diabetic diet looked like, etc. Our leader showed us how to eat the foods we loved and how to NOT go too high with our blood sugar. I think that was one of the most important things we learned. No food was off limits. We would have to make other choices to counteract what we chose to eat, but for the most part… it was doable. Then we learned about how and why exercise is important and all the different types of medicines that are available for diabetics. At the time I was using oral diabetes medicine and I kept going below 60 and then I'd eat something then it would shoot up over 2 or 300. After the classes, I went to my doctor and asked to be put on insulin. Non of the nasty side effects of the oral meds… too many lows and constant diarreah. I ended up on Lantus for my basal (insulin that kept me around 130 most of the time) and then I would use Humalog at meal times were never at the same time. I could dose myself to match the amount of carbs I was eating and I wouldn't go high. It worked fine for years. Once I understood what diabetes could do to my body, and how food and medicine worked… I felt more in control and it was easier to handle. I am now using an insulin pump and love it and the freedom. You might have to make him take some good education classes so he can learn about why certain things are important. HE has to know. HE has to make the choice. I would tell him that you need him to take out a life insurance policy or to increase the amount he already has, because YOU need to prepare for life without him. Diabetes is frustrating and tedious and yes, I have good days and bad, and sometimes I just want to forget that I'm diabetic. Another thing that seems to help me is to record stuff. Checking blood sugars before and 2 hours after meals (to see how accurate I was with the humalog bolus)… I bought a fitbit and it counted the number of steps I took in a day and I would try to beat the steps from the day before. I use MyFitnessPal on the computer and log what I eat and try to get close to getting the right number of carbs fats and proteins (you can set the numbers in the program). Some of the glucose meters will download onto the computer and you get some nice grafts. At one point I even had a continuous glucose meter. A sensor that I wore that would check my blood sugar every few minutes and it would track the trends… I would see when the blood sugars started going up or coming down too fast. I hope he's a gadget type guy… 'cause that might work. Try to get him into a support group or have him find someone online. Good luck!

msann 2018-07-24 10:27:16 -0500 Report

sorry to hear about your husband is it anyone that he will really listen to he in for very scary health issues he he depressed that the way he think he handling it but i bet he scared to trying to be manly he should think about his family he needs to turn his life around asap can your pastor or his parents get through to him i am getting ready to join planet fitness my gym going out of bussiness anytime fitness how do you like planet fitness praying for your family