I feel like I'm dying

Anonymous
By Anonymous Latest Reply 2009-09-19 17:58:38 -0500
Started 2009-07-13 23:36:30 -0500

I hate effects diabetes has done destroying my body. I've nobody to blame but myself. I've got a number of challenges trying to live a day at a time. I've friends. I'd like to be in a relationship with a woman, with whom I can get along with. —- it seems like a joke. I wanna feel love. Most people do.


40 replies

Bekki Diabetic
Bekki Diabetic 2009-09-19 08:39:40 -0500 Report

Private, I have to tell you that you are "blessed" to have found this website. We are all here because we needed each other and want to help. You must remember being sick with diabetes isn't your fault, but it is something that will make you a stronger person…now you must find out what to do with it. Once we get over the anger and the feelings of being sorry for ourselves, then we have to deal with the depression/low esteem to get to a point where we are able to deal with the diabetes. There are so many emotions you will be exposed to due to this disease. Even though we get through all of these emotions (and you will), there will be times when the depression or dark moods will sneek in again. Just remember they are only temporary setbacks. Have yourself a pity party, then dust yourself off, and move on. The only way to feel better is to "allow" yourself that emotion. It is a choice…each morning we have the choice of either to be positive or negative. Positive people attract alot of other positive people. Once you are feeling better about yourself and your diabetes, then you won't have to worry about others loving you, it will just happen. Always strive to the be the best person you can be. For now, take care of yourself. Remember you are never alone with the Lord. And, we are here should you wish to talk…Bekki

imsuzie2
imsuzie2 2009-09-19 17:58:38 -0500 Report

dLife is a wonderful site as well as a TV show (Sunday's at 4p PST/7P EST on CNBC). Everyone is giving great advice. If you are depressed, talk with a therapist. And, explore the idea that you might have a chemical imbalance causing the depression. We are here, reach out! S2

(I responded yesterday to a post 7/14 and it got lost, so I re-posted it here)

June Tademy
June Tademy 2009-09-17 20:49:48 -0500 Report

No matter what cards are dealt to us, we must make the best of it. First please try to change your thought pattern. You are a good person, you are strong, you can handle this, yu will do everything in your power to get better. Then you will meet the right mate for you to keep you in shape and good health. We must keep fighting the fight, with a different attitude you will meet the "one". We all must cross this bridge, but once over it-smooth sailing. Keep up the good work and smile.

phatgirl
phatgirl 2009-08-17 15:35:55 -0500 Report

i know that feeling! even though i m married i feel so lost alone,disgusted,ready to give up! maybe we can help each other by talking about it. i cant talk to my husband he thinks im crazy.so…i keep quiet. but maybe you know how i feel.wanna talk?

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2009-08-17 16:22:52 -0500 Report

Of course!! I think talking about depression, a support group, helps almost more than anything—However, the right med can help lift that black curtain so you can begin to share, and start seeing a little light, that others have similar problems, believe it or not!! My hubby also told me and treated me like I was crazy, and I was so upset inside, I thught that I was, until one day I rebelled and informed him that I was NOT CRAZY, JUST MIXED up and hurting so badly that suicide seems the only, peaceful way out of that pain!

After I started trying to tell him how I really did FEEL, HE BEGAN to ease up and became more caring—-BUT I had to be in the right place, emotionally, to accept it as before then, I WANTED TO HURT< THOUGHT THAT THAT WAS WHAT I DESERVED!! Had to get to the CORE of the pain, work through it, then all the WEIRD stuff started fading and sliding away without my having to work at it so HARD!! Love and hugs and YOU ARE WORTH SAVING!! AS GOD AND THE REST OF US LOVE YOU< even with all of our own faults, the true test of unconditional love!! Pat Roth

Vanessa Wysper
Vanessa Wysper 2009-08-16 18:19:47 -0500 Report

I empathize completely. It's hard a lot of times to keep from falling into the "dark place." Especially because those around you really don't know what you're going through. It's hard to find love because the restrictions you live with are not easy for others to understand or to cope with. I'm a type 1, and it scares people away. I only cling to a simple life motto to get me through:
Be thankful for what you do have because someone ALWAYS has it worse.
It's hard to stay so low when you know others work with less, right?

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2009-08-16 22:14:16 -0500 Report

Something that I used to help me dealing with this horrible, emotional pain, was, "If God didn't think I could do it, He wouldnt be putting me thru it, and maybe, in some way, I can HELP others!!!" I made aabout straight A's in school and prided myself on doing my homework, doing my BEST!! And I think those former habits have served me well through this depression, which made no sense to anyone else but ME!!

I still don't recall much, but know that I tried as hard as I could, and who could ask for anything more???!!! Love to ALL, pat roth

wolfettia
wolfettia 2009-08-14 20:11:34 -0500 Report

Dear Private,
I know exactly where your coming from. But allow me to share these things. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT! YOU do belong EVRYWHERE you go or are at. YOU matter to ME. You are a part of a Elite Club…The Too Sweet People..lol. I wish you well and remember the Lord said we are never alone, I am and always will be beside you.
Hugs
Wolfie

Charish
Charish 2009-08-14 15:06:40 -0500 Report

Hi Private,

You know life can deal you some very serious blows and these things can really take you under if you allow them to. And to tell you my story of the hell that I have experienced and gone through would bring tears to your eyes, but I know that my life is filled with the love of God and nothing else seems to matter. But the one thing that I had to remember and I'm sure so many others have too is that you have to JUST STAY IN THE RACE. There is someone out there who is willing to love you and support you with each step that you take and to be there for you no matter how strong the storm gets. There is someone wating to meet you that will see the special person you are and to help you see the terrfic person that waits inside you.

The first step is to stop blaming yourself for what destiny had to play out in your life and the next step is open yourself and your mind to the idea and the thought that you will meet a very special person who will love you without condition. I feel that you are a beautiful person and you would add so much to someones life. But the thing is that you have to see that in you first and then the vail that hides you will be llfted and God will show that person to you and they will see the same in you in turn.

Never feel that you want have this beautiful existance in your life because its there for the taking just remember that you are a beautiful person and that there is a love waiting for you to find them and for them to find you.

Learn to take one day at a time and JUST STAY IN THE RACE. My prayers and my heart go out to you and I know that God is there for you and hears and sees everything that we all go through.

Take care of yourself and know that you are loved.

Hugs and Kisses

Teresa

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2009-08-14 18:07:00 -0500 Report

Amen, well said!! PR

LAD
LAD 2009-08-14 18:38:54 -0500 Report

I sure love all the positive support and caring sent out with these messages! When I was first diagnosed Jan 05, it seemed every time I saw the Dr for months before and after that, all I heard was another disease had been diagnosed. It's been 20 months since my family and dear friends literally prayed me back to life. I'm forever grateful for their love, prayers, and patience. My darkest days are still lighter and brighter than the day I almost put my plan into action to end my misery, not thinking about the misery I'd leave in my selfish suicide wake. Keeping my spiritual life alive, listening to uplifting music, finding things to laugh at (yes, even myself), and remembering all my diseases are manageable at various levels with my active efforts helps me. Also, last year I met a wonderful family, the father is quadriplegic, has lived many years past the specialists prognosis' and is living life loving his family and continuing to make long range family plans. I take hope from his perspective.

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2009-08-14 18:50:18 -0500 Report

That is wonderful, yet sad, but we ALL are here to inspire others in some way. The emotional PAIN is what kept driving me to end it all—-I JUST COULD NOT TAKE ANYMORE of it after over 40 years there just didn't seem to be an end!! I withdrew my mind into such a hole in order to escape enough pain to at least hang on—I had prayed and prayed—-BUT until I finally could stand to get DOWN to the ROOT CAUSE< I WAS LOST!!! I had one psychiatrist tell me that psychotherapy was like surgery without an anesthetic, and boy was he RIGHT!! No one really seems to understand, this community thinks that it was because I dwelled on STUFF too much!!! NOT!! It was partly that negative things had happened and I had no idea how to cope, no one else did either—-aand BURIED THEM TIGHTLY IN MY MIND!!!! Thus the weird stuff spread——

And until I could vent on this site, gradually just routine STUFF, like ADMITTING if I was scaried etc. I am finally coming up for fresh air!! Take care Everyone!! This old life can be better sustained with the help of Friends, and the basic Love of God entertwining us all!! PR

Charish
Charish 2009-08-15 17:54:30 -0500 Report

Hi LAD & PAT,

I'm glad that you didn't end it all because we would not have been blessed to meet the both of you. I too had that thought and have had it recently, but the strength and faith that I have in God has made it all the more easier to face all that is going on with me.

We are blessed to have one another here and our lives have been blessed because of the lives who have touched us and that we have touched. My only prayer is that Private will see all the love we have for his or her existance and receive what we have to offer.

Hugs and Kisses,

Teresa

beadmom
beadmom 2009-08-17 15:12:06 -0500 Report

Just being able to talk to people here and realizing that people have the same problems, confusion etc is so helpful.

I don't think anyone goes to the doctor saying..humm.. you should check me, I think I have diabetes. We go in for something else and they say …hey by the way… and drop the "D" bomb. So now you have something wrong you went in for and something major dropped on you so you are working on at LEAST TWO THINGS.
THEN.. no one really tells you anything about the diabetes except if you don't make a bunch of drastic changes right away (and give you no direction on how to do that) you're going drop dead in front of your loved ones…and see these people in 3 weeks and they'll tell you what to do.

Grrrrr…

Ginger

Charish
Charish 2009-08-17 16:33:40 -0500 Report

Hi Ginger,

The one thing that keeps me going and what allow for the craziness to take hold of my life is the love og Christ. I quickly reminded myself of how foolish it would be to give my chance to The Tree of Life away over something that was destiny anyway.

But none of us ever think about those moments until we are faced with the things that as you are laid in our laps and those telling us that we either deal with it or not and no direction to take. But at least I a doctor that did help me see what I needed to do and I have done well thus far, it just the things that came after that made feel out of sorts. Faith helped me and that I what I draw on now. Hang in there okay.

Hugs and Kisses

Teresa

beadmom
beadmom 2009-08-14 14:38:31 -0500 Report

OK.. so my first thought after Doctor said the “D” word…. I am going to have to poke holes in my finger twice a day? It’s going to HURT…. I almost cried and I am NOT a crier… then… it DIDN’T hurt. I became a testing nut because I wanted to know the effect of each little food/feeling. I ran through my strips and had to actually fork out some cash for more…..grrrr. Changed that little game quick.

Once my sister wanted to test her BS so I said go ahead. She’s a seamstress and has tough fingers. We had to my stabber (I am sure it has a medical name) on the highest setting to get a sample. I forgot about that the next time I tested. THAT HURT! But I was hanging out in the ICU at the time with my Dad who had just had a massive stroke and it made him actually laugh out loud so it was worth it.

It’s one little thing at a time.

Ginger

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2009-08-14 18:05:35 -0500 Report

What a sense of humor!! You will go far! I poke it the full force too, it just gets the blood there in sufficient quanity that I don't have to keep stabbing—it doesn't really hurt me, but when I tested my manly husband, he almost cried, and I just had to laugh!! Chee Whizz—-you mean I have stronger skin?? That tells me something!! HahaPR

lipsie
lipsie 2009-08-14 10:04:30 -0500 Report

Hiya there! I know how you feel, and it is not fun…but look at the responses you have got here? We care! There is a special person out there somewhere, just be patient. And low self-esteem does not help either…so focus on yourself, and caring about yourself first…the rest will come together…I believe this with all my heart! Good luck! Keep us update k? Hugs! Sheila

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2009-08-13 09:39:10 -0500 Report

I wrote awhile back that I was not feeling suicidal at the drop of a hat—-BUT when my chest started in last week—I was fine, but yesterday, I did not feel like I was gaining on this chest thing—and started feeling these warning signs of "I had better get more help or I was going to die!" It was NOT a conscious thought, just a dreaded like- warning that I had better get back to the Dr. WHY???? He said my lungs were clear now, but I felt so strained in my chest, felt like the left lung was still irritated, I felt low grade temps, followed by little chills at the slightest breeze—-

He added another antibiotic, and Mucinex and a lax. and I feel stronger this morn. He said that I was run down too and to REST!! But my BS were fine! Could it be when we get these little warnings in our minds of "dying" that it is actually our body trying to send us a warning of sorts? to take care, to figure out what is going on???? All of my ailements seem to lighten with REST!! BUt who wants to rest all of the time? Just thinking———PR

Jipwhip
Jipwhip 2009-08-10 10:36:13 -0500 Report

Stop blaming yourself. We all know having diabetes sucks. Now we are given a second chance to turn our lives around. Nobody said it was going to be easy, that is why we are all here. To help one another navigate though this challenge that has been thrown in our way. Know this you are NOT ALONE in this.
I think you need to talk to your doctor about how you feel. We our all here to help you just let us know how to help.

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2009-08-09 23:24:25 -0500 Report

And here I was afraid to admit that I was suffering from depression, mostly because of Drs' ridicule! Real, not imagined! I too wanted to be held, feel loved, BUT I was not ready, and now that I like myself, and accept myself better, it isn't as important to feel warm and loved by the opposite sex,, I am happy in myself! Best Wishes! Pat R

Rhea - 55031
Rhea - 55031 2009-08-08 01:51:37 -0500 Report

Feeling Love comes a lot easier when you are able to love(or at least Like) yourself.Same with being loved. It sounds to me as though you are a deeply depressed person,who needs to speak to his/her Dr.Right away! I suffer from Depression. I have for years. There are times I will go for months/years without outside stimulation/not even friendship.I finally spoke to my Dr and let him know that Prozac wasnt helping anymore. I am still fighting an uphill battle, but don't feel as though I am dying anymore. The Dr, and I were concentrating on my physical…Severe A.S, Type 2 Diabetis, Heart Failure, Hepititis C .and COPD. Things that all needed to be dealt with, but not dealing with the Crippling Depression that was eating at me for YEARS!! Please see your Dr and tell him/ her HOW YOU ARE FEELING really. It will help to get the ball rolling toward better health for yourself!

MarineMomX2
MarineMomX2 2009-08-10 08:43:02 -0500 Report

Rhea, what you say is so right…you've got to at least like yourself first and acknowledge that there's a problem. My doc was a little different, he firstly wanted to treat my depression. He flat out told me I had to care about myself or my bs would never get lower and I was more on a self-destruction bend than ever. Yeah, I argued with him, but the Prozak has made me a person that's better to be around and yes I learned to care about myself all over again. May have an attitude, however some things don't change easily! lol

Pat Roth
Pat Roth 2009-08-10 10:43:27 -0500 Report

Ha, me too, with the attitude, it didn't come EASY!! All of the above comments sound like a page from my own book! We ALL do care, talk to your Dr and get a med—I could NOT have survived this long without them!! Let people talk, they have NO CLUE and THEY are NOT YOU! Love to you—-PR

sisson
sisson 2009-08-06 09:49:15 -0500 Report

I understand how you feel as many of you know how I was a few week's ago. It is not your falt for having Diabetes as we all know it's in the blood it's in the gens weather we like or not. I got it when I was 32 my doctor had told me that I world have gotten it any way's when I got older but the olny reson why I had gotten it then was because I put my family first and didn't take care of myself by not eating 3 times aday and not on time by not drinking enogh water sleeping or exercizing. I have alot of love one around me and peopel that love me so it has nothing to do with love but loving your self and that the most importint thing my pray are with you with I did a lot of praying I don't know your belife is but prayer is the best thing you can do. My thoughts are with you.

steely
steely 2009-08-06 08:45:09 -0500 Report

It's going to be alright. It's a shock to your spirit at first but you can get past that. If you need help with your emotions, ask for help. That's what doctor's are there for.

You are worthy of love. Diabetes has nothing to do with love. Love will find you when you are least expecting it.

Sending you all the positive energy I can. Be well.

SusanJ
SusanJ 2009-07-17 17:08:15 -0500 Report

Please do not blame yourself. I use to do that. There are times when I still suffer from depression. I will keep you in prayer. If you ever need to talk let me know.

Malocclusion Ten Four
Malocclusion Ten Four 2009-07-17 12:28:09 -0500 Report

Ask your doctor if you need treatment for depression. You may not need meds— maybe all you need is to talk to someone. Everyone who knows me considers me a broken record on this subject, but so many people suffer alone in silence and let this "invisible" illness destroy their lives. D + D play into each other. If you can control one, you can control the other. I'll pray for you too, and I wish you luck.

roger
roger 2009-07-14 16:41:45 -0500 Report

when you get up tell your self it is just another day . and try to lolat your self.it works think about it if you are laughing you cant cry.and when you laugh you feel much better about every thing.and as far as the women thing.just ask i did over 15 years ago and we are still togather . and i am fat, ugly, and hav all thoes diabetic things wrong wit me and she saw right through them and is still at my side good luck
roger

Amy Tenderich
Amy Tenderich 2009-07-14 14:48:59 -0500 Report

I think Sarguillo is very wise; you need to stop blaming yourself.

Here's an article I wrote a while back about how guilt can paralyze us:
http://www.dlife.com/dLife/do/ShowContent/daily_living/Viewpoints/amy_june05.html

and a look at some of the things that have helped me the most:

http://www.dlife.com/dLife/do/ShowContent/daily_living/Viewpoints/amy_may08.html

imsuzie2
imsuzie2 2009-09-19 01:35:44 -0500 Report

dLife is a wonderful site as well as a TV show (Sunday's at 4p PST/7P EST on CNBC). Everyone is giving great advice. If you are depressed, talk with a therapist. And, explore the idea that you might have a chemical imbalance causing the depression. We are here, reach out! S2

Sarguillo
Sarguillo 2009-07-14 13:42:03 -0500 Report

Hello,
Please stop blaming yourself for your diabtetes.
If your a T1, you had no involvement and there was nothing you could have done to have prevented your diabetes. Its was just in your genes. If your a T2, you might have helped it along by being overweight (if you are or not), but again, it was in your genes. It was not your fault. It would have happened to you anyway.
Now that it has happened to you, you have accepted that you have diabetes, try to live a healthier life style and make the most of the time you have on this earth.
There are more women on this earth than men. The odds are in your favor. You will need to start to think positive about yourself. Women can sense a man who has low self esteme a mile away. Good luck.

Wendy Mac
Wendy Mac 2009-07-14 08:53:48 -0500 Report

Dear Heavenly Father, I lift Private up to You right now. Encircle them with angel wings of mercy and healing. Let them know that You are carrying them right now and they are never alone - always loved. Amen

2009-07-14 13:29:05 -0500 Report

Amen

2009-07-14 07:55:02 -0500 Report

Have you discussed your situation with your doctor? I think this would be wise. They maybe able to help you get your life back on track. Of course, this site is a good place to vent your feelings. We are here for you.