"I'm OK your OK" the rest of the story child, parent, adult.

By RosalieM Latest Reply 2015-02-20 17:00:11 -0600
Started 2015-02-19 10:42:39 -0600

I only told you about the child 0-5 and emotional responses. There is more. It is called child, parent, adult. We are in one of these states in all interactions with one another. When our interactions are emotional, that is the child 0-5 after 5 we are often in parent mode. The parent mode is not consciously chosen by us either. It is an automatic response based on influences of our parents after the age of 5. Often the mother as she spends more time with the child. The adult mode is of our choosing however. When we understand the unconscious responses and where they come from we are able to choose the response that is appropriate for the situation, that is the adult response. Some times, but not always, the child and parent responses are problematic in some ways as they are not based on conscious thought.
While the child response is always emotional, the parental response usually has some rules. A good mother would correctly give a child rules to live by. That is not wrong. However the rules that come with out the adult analyses of an interaction can be wrong. A more appropriate response would one by our adult as it is thought through, unlike the child and parent role. We are all this way. I am rarely in my child anymore, my feelings aren't easily hurt. I am usually in parent or adult mode. Since I have started reading this book again, I am more conscious of my own responses. In reading all the responses to this subject, I have noticed some child responses and a lot of parent responses. Only a few adult responses.(those based upon analysis were evident to me) What do you think? Can you identify you responses from your parent? One caution, if you become emotionally up set over this post, you are in your child. This is hopefully an adult conversation. :) :)

22 replies

lilleyheidi 2015-02-20 01:36:28 -0600 Report

I get it, I really do. I even went to the library and perused the book yesterday, no I didn't read the entire thing, nor did I want to, I scanned it. What I do not get is this Rosalie, why do you continue on and on about this topic as an "adult" or "parent" when the other adults don't really want to hear about it? When you appear to be disturbing others regarding it? I mean, you've got people blocking you and stuff? why continue on? What is your motive? To gain inner knowledge? If that is your motive, fantastic. I applaud you for that. But remember, you are not 30 anymore and that book is not a new release. May I suggest a newer book, not even "new" by any standards, called "dance with anger" you may find it enlightening, or I've got a list of other psyche books I could recommend for personal knowledge and growth. I wish you well, but i'm moving on. Don't waste time responding I won't read it, my child is too busy going out to play in mud.

jayabee52 2015-02-19 23:34:07 -0600 Report

I'm OK, You're OK and books popular in the '60s are simply "pop psychology". They were not well respected by those who did psychological work at the time or even today.

My late wife, "Jem", was a Licenced Clinical Social Worker and was qualfified to do Psychotherapy and she did not hold to those "pop psych" belief systems.

I also studied psychology as a lay person and I got into "family systems therapy" with had a series of beliefs which was contrary to the OK books.

I am not upset with this conversation, I just reject the premise of this discussion as the book in question have no validity in the broader therapy community.


haoleboy 2015-02-20 00:04:24 -0600 Report

The book is about Transactional Analysis (TA) … a serious therapy method developed by Dr. Eric Berne. Although TA never gained a large following it does have its followers in the psychoanalytical field.

Cathleen1 2015-02-19 21:35:04 -0600 Report

Actually there is no proven theory about Freud or any other theorist when it comes to the emotional part of a child by the age of five, that is why they are theories they are not proven, I work with young children and I will tell you they develop at their own time and pace not by some theory. My parents studied dr. Spock and all that and many of those theories are proven false. As to all my DC friends with whom I have just met you guys are awesome , and truly the best thing is to not take anything personally even though it can be hard.

valentine lady
valentine lady 2015-02-19 22:50:32 -0600 Report

Hi Cathleen,
Welcome to Dc. Thank you for posting. What you had to say was very insightful as well as well thought out. I never worked with children,except my own. But I agree they do developed at their own time and pace. I think those old books should be thrown away. Their 50 years old (about) they've learned so much since then. Especially about children. About taking it personally, you hit the nail on the head. That's why I quit. I'm done. I refuse to answer her discussions or posts anymore. But thanks for the advice. Hugs, VL

Cathleen1 2015-02-20 17:00:11 -0600 Report

If I write something that seems out of context ask me because sometimes in print it is hard to define the tone. I think my parents burnt those books LOL

valentine lady
valentine lady 2015-02-19 12:55:33 -0600 Report

To me your trying to analyze us or play parent ( at your own admission ) and are trying to change us. We are people with emotions. Those emotions
do direct our feelings even on line. Maybe you should sit back and rethink your own behavior. Quite honestly I' m done too. I won't be
told or suggested to how to handle my actions on line. Accept by the management.
I've told you your very intelligent but you need to lighten up. Especially
with this 1960's psychological stuff. VL

Jibber Jabber
Jibber Jabber 2015-02-19 17:45:15 -0600 Report

Did you know that my Mother's advice was lacking,,,,,cant make this stuff up…it is not so much that she says things like that to me that bothers me…It is that DC is suppose to be welcoming and friendly and the tone of such post and comments is anything but..

valentine lady
valentine lady 2015-02-19 18:39:09 -0600 Report

Hi Jib jab,
You and I both are letting this get to us. I said I quit and then answered her on another site. But I am done. Your Mom or mine wasn't lacking. Their advice was real and true. All this is doing is raising our BG. Not to mention stressing us out.
What you do you do well. I pride myself in believing so do I. Before either one of us says the wrong thing and get reported lets just take our own advice and quit. Just keep in mind, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Hugs, VL

sweetslover 2015-02-19 21:28:02 -0600 Report

The best thing I have done on DC is to quit replying to her posts. Her attacks almost caused me to quit the forum. Step back, breathe, and ignore as best you can.

Jibber Jabber
Jibber Jabber 2015-02-19 11:29:01 -0600 Report

I blocked her..although it really doesn't do any good..drastic step because I do enjoy reading most of her posts…and I have tried to reach her about how she may be rubbing people the wrong way with her attempts to school everyone…but.yesterday she tried to explain to me how eating an apple didn't really affect MY BODY the way I thought it did…I just cant do it anymore..

GabbyPA 2015-02-19 13:24:48 -0600 Report

Blocking just closes private communications. You can still read posts and make replies in the public forums.

GabbyPA 2015-02-19 11:19:41 -0600 Report

I am okay with all of this analyzing of things, but we are who we are. This site is not here to change people's emotional states. While some of that will happen and people will grow and change from things learned and friendships shared. Our goal here is to support and help people though their dealings with a chronic illness called diabetes.

Our knowledge or understanding of individuals is always limited here due to the nature of virtual relationships versus face to face ones. I am by no means a psychologist, psychiatrist or trained counselor. I do home design for a living and while that takes an insight to understanding what people are really telling me when they explain what they want, mine is based on instinct, not schooled training.

I don't think that it's particularly fair to expect that everyone here should be in "adult" mode or any other mode. If we are able to put ourselves in "adult" mode, then it's our responsibility to respond to others in the mode that will best fit their needs. However, life experience either in things done or age, always affects how we perceive things. Real or imagined. That from both the advice giver and taker.

We should never discount someone because they are in a response mode that we feel is inappropriate. We have to find ways to work with that, meet the need and maybe allow some growth. I know when I first came here there were a couple of people that just seemed to always yank my chain and push my buttons. There are still some who do that. But when I look close at what they said, I could learn from it. Grow and change my habit, my action, my thought process from it. Yes, sometimes I just have to walk away, as there is no response that will be appropriate. Sometimes nothing is the best thing.

I have had my bumps here, as so many have. I have caused some and I have received some. But none ever made me feel bad enough to leave. That is me however, and it's not right for me to expect that everyone should be the same as I am.

Jibber Jabber
Jibber Jabber 2015-02-19 11:47:15 -0600 Report

Read below..IF WE get our responses more adult…I don't even think she realizes how hurtful and condescending that is..well not to me…but to others…I said it before..I know she is well meaning but it just needs to stop..

RosalieM 2015-02-19 11:39:45 -0600 Report

My post is not for us to analyze each other, but rather to share tools and information for us to be able to analyze our own
responses. You will notice I did not point out anyone's responses, I did an adult thing which I don't always do. If we get our responses, mine included, more adult, we can be more helpful. We all want to be helpful. Can't we laugh at ourselves a little bit, after all we didn't choose the responses we made.

BreC 2015-02-19 13:55:15 -0600 Report

"My post is not for us to analyze each other". I don't want or need anyone to analyze me.
"In this case I was being adult as I wanted to confront a little". Adult behavior??
"When people are cared for they do not grow". So do you think that when my father was bedridden for 2 years before he died we should have just turned away because it wasn't good for him? We were his caregivers.
"A child 0-5 is not confrontational". Tell that to the mother of a child who refuses to go to bed or take a bath or eat their dinner. They can be very confrontational and stubborn.

RosalieM 2015-02-19 18:08:57 -0600 Report

I am talking about diabetics on this board, not your bedridden father. Of course you needed to take care of your father he was helpless. He couldn't grow out of his problem he deserved every thing you could do for him.
children 0-5 are stubborn, but they aren't capable of much analysis.

RebDee 2015-02-19 11:12:03 -0600 Report

RosalieM: I am starting to think that you have more of the child in you than you think. The last two sentences of your discussion, show me your child, as they are definitely confrontational. I still like some of what you say but not all, and certainly not the way it is said. It is almost like "don't get mad, get even."

RosalieM 2015-02-19 11:49:42 -0600 Report

Hi RebDee
A child 0-5 is not confrontational. In this case I was being adult as I wanted to confront a little. I chose to do it. I don't get even and I rarely get mad, I gave that up sometime ago. However I am in my parent a lot. I have had a history of taking care of everyone. I learned that was not good for those I cared for or me. That is something I have been working on myself. When people are cared for they do not grow. That is the lesson I learned. There are rewards in being a caretaker too. But they reward the caretaker and keep the cared for dependent. This is one of the most important lessons I have learned in my life.

RebDee 2015-02-19 11:08:56 -0600 Report

My mother often said things to me that stuck in my head but which I, as a parent, vowed never to say to my children. 1) I'm cold, you wear a sweater; 2) Eat all of the food on your plate, children in Europe are starving; 3) You will understand why I do these things when you become a parent. I never understood why my mother said these things to me because to me they made no sense. I kept my vow.

RosalieM 2015-02-19 12:08:37 -0600 Report

Hi RebDee,
Those are the things you remember and you don't say them. You observed your mother and her attitude about things though. Not that it was bad, because it wasn't. It is just that she was your mother, she had the responsibility for you. We have responsibility for our children too, but we don't have responsibility to analyze the feelings of adults on this board and mother/parent them. Kiss their owey. We do need to respect others of course but we don't need to mother/parent other adults. I don't know any children on this board. To parent another adult is to put them in a child's smaller position. I would rather lift them up so I can look them in the eyes as an equal. To lift up is to support. I can't believe I said that! Now I have convinced myself of it.

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