Rant....off topic.... Hard time right now....

By lilleyheidi Latest Reply 2015-02-03 22:32:19 -0600
Started 2015-01-27 01:25:05 -0600

I took a bad fall before Christmas, I lost all feeling in my foot from my neuropathy and when I stood up I went face first down onto a hard floor landing on my bad knee and wrenching my back. Since then I've had incredible pain in my knee and back. I have seen my PCP twice, the first time she put me on a mild muscle relaxant for 2days which had no results, then she put me on prednisone for 6 days, again, no results. She referred me to an orthopedic doctor for a consult, but it was taking a little while to get seen there. On Saturday the pain was severe, I had spent the majority of the previous 2 days in bed, unable to even sit up. I went to the ER where I was told "go see your PCP on Monday" and sent home.
Yesterday, Monday, I saw the orthopedic doctor and had xrays of my spine to see what was causing so much pain. I have severe degenerative arthritis. There really is no cure or nothing much that they can do for it. He has referred me back to the Pain Center I was seeing for my knee pain, and to Physical Therapy for my back, and told me to take Ibuprofen 800mg twice a day.
Here's the problem, as a lot of you know, I've really been working on an attitude adjustment and working hard to be positive and uplifting. Since I've had all this pain, I'm finding the darkness starting to wander back in. I'm fighting it off the best I can but it is really hard. I'm really afraid now that I might sink back into depression again. Chronic pain often leads to depression.
Guess I just needed to vent. Thanks. Heidi

22 replies

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2015-01-29 16:41:58 -0600 Report

HI lilleyheidi,

Nice to see you again. It's been awhile. I am so sorry to hear about the fall, all that pain, and now this diagnosis. It's good to know that you have been advocating for yourself, that you got yourself to the ortho and that you are following up with treatment.

I understand your frustration. It's rough when you have been keeping it positive and then get hit with a disappointment like this. From reading the other posts, looks like you have a system in place to keep yourself positive. The Embrace Happy group sounds great. And I think Gabby's suggestion for staying grateful is also a really good idea.

I think there is a lot to be said for putting taking things one day at a time, doing everything you can to take care of yourself, getting lots of support. I always encourage my clients to go through the motions of their life, as much as possible. Depression has a way of sneaking in and telling you how hopeless everything is, so why bother. But that's not true.

If your depressed feelings continue, and/or get in the way of doing the things you want and need to do every day, then I also encourage you to talk to a mental health professional. If you aren't currently connected to anyone, you can also ask your doctor for a referral.

I am glad you reached out. Don't go through this alone. And stay in touch with us, my friend.


lilleyheidi 2015-01-30 01:47:41 -0600 Report

Thanks Dr. Gary, I've been in therapy for years. In Nov. I cut back to once a month, but still have the connection there if I need to go more and definitely will check in if the darkness starts to come back. I'm trying hard to keep things one day (moment) at a time, and staying mindful and working in the moment to keep on keeping on. I refuse to give up or give in on my goals, both long and short terms. This may be a step back, but it's not a step out. Thanks for the encouraging words. Heidi

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2015-02-03 22:32:19 -0600 Report

Hi! Glad to hear you have a mental health professional that you are connected to. Excellent. Mindfulness is a great way to live, staying in the moment, not interpreting the present through the clouded lens of the past. And yes, don't give up on your goals. Always good to see you!

boston T
boston T 2015-01-28 10:41:54 -0600 Report

I'm so sorry to hear of your painful condition. There are many here who understand. Hang in there.

RebDee 2015-01-28 05:41:29 -0600 Report

Pray, play and pay. Pay for pain medication. Play by finding something to take your mind off the pain. Pray to God for help in beating this pain situation. It may sound trite but it does help. And know that your friends on DC have not only been there and done that, but are on your side, helping you to stand, to walk, to smile.

GabbyPA 2015-01-27 12:51:58 -0600 Report

Sometimes those silver linings are hard to find. The key is that you know what can happen and you don't want to go there. That motivation can really go a long way.

I heard someone today share a resolution they saw on Facebook. The idea is to have a jar and each day, no matter how crappy it is, to find at least one little thing that encouraged you, lifted you or made you forget the junk. Even if for just a short time. To write this down and put it in the jar. Do this every day (like counting your blessings) and as the year goes on you get a jar full of special moments to reflect on. I am sure you can use the jar to encourage you on any especially bad day along the way. I thought it was a neat idea. It makes you look for the good instead of the bad.

Another thing you can do is enlist a friend to poke you when you are going into that dark place. I had a friend prod me every time I was being sarcastic. It stung a lot and she was brave to never give up on prodding me, but because of her I was able to really get a grip on my sarcasm and stop hurting other people's feelings so much. I am not perfect, but it helped me so much.

lilleyheidi 2015-01-27 23:48:44 -0600 Report

I belong to a group on Facebook called Embrace Happy (look it up) where we list 3 good things in the day. We can say we've had a crappy day, but the idea is to try to find 3 good things in the day, even if it is that you managed to climb out of bed for a few hours. It is very inspiring and helpful for me.

GabbyPA 2015-01-28 08:33:23 -0600 Report

That sounds awesome. Very much along the same lines. I am glad it inspires you, hold on to that when things get extra crummy.

Pegsy 2015-01-27 12:47:44 -0600 Report

I am so sorry you are going through this and suffering so much. I understand depression. It hung over me for several consecutive years. I feel as though I am just coming out of it. Please take care of yourself and seek out things that you enjoy. EVERY day has something to be thankful for. We have to look for that, on purpose.

lilleyheidi 2015-01-27 23:50:38 -0600 Report

i keep a gratitude journal, although I've been lax lately in writing in it… guess I need to get back at it. And I write 3 good things a day in a Facebook group. These things make me look for the things I'm thankful for and keep me more focused on the good. Thanks.

Cherokeemaiden 2015-01-27 10:48:39 -0600 Report

So sorry to hear of your fall and all the problems it has caused. I, like the others, can relate to the pain as I had a herniated disc several years ago and was in extreme pain for almost a year. Finally broke down and had back surgery…had put it off that long because of all the horror stories you hear about back surgeries. But turned out to be the best thing I've ever done. Only issue I have now is that I can't stand in one position for too long or my back wants to lock up. But during that time I also got very depressed because of the extreme pain. Did a lot of praying, which really did help. So keep your chin up as this too shall pass. Will be praying for you. (((Hugs)))

denipink57 2015-01-27 09:08:37 -0600 Report

Dear Heidi, you hang in there dear. the darkness can be chased out by your positive attitude. i know what that kind of pain is because i have severe osteoarthritis thru out my entire body. i must use a walker to go any distance.

my back and my knees are the worse so i take Tylenol 3's for the pain and that really helps. could you get pain meds from your doctor?

another thing i take is Lakota. it is an all natural line of arthritis remedies. it kicks the pain heals the bones and aids in better mobility. it works really great for me. the best arthritis supplement i have ever used.

you can find them online but be sure to read the website because there are a few meds that cant be taken with the Lakota otherwise it is good to go with most meds.

ask your family doctor for a pain med to help you get thru this dark time.

good luck hon i will be praying for you.

lilleyheidi 2015-01-27 23:53:30 -0600 Report

I've never heard of Lakota. I'll look it up online. Thank you for the thougths and prayers. I appreciate them a lot.

RosalieM 2015-01-27 08:25:17 -0600 Report

Pain registers in the brain distract yourself with something really interesting.
If you focus on it will get worse because you focus on it. I have scoliosis and stenosis. Exercise and refocus really works I feel no pain unless I sit too much. When you talk about and focus on the pain you reinforce it in the brain where pain is registered. Sounds impossible! But it isn't.

Type1Lou 2015-01-27 08:11:12 -0600 Report

I'm sorry you're going through all that pain but I'm glad you have this outlet to vent your frustration. Please keep us posted on your condition and sending you warm wishes for your recovery.

Jibber Jabber
Jibber Jabber 2015-01-27 04:12:29 -0600 Report

Oh sweety..I understand THAT kind of pain and it can be debilitating..I too have arthritis in my lower back..it usually just causes tightness and I stretch it away…but I have "lost my back" on several occasions and it is the most frustrating feeling in the world…every move causes me shooting pain and the muscle relaxers and pain pills do NOTHING for me..The last time it happened, last March..I suffered for a solid month…So I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better..but I just said a prayer for you..and I believe in the power of prayer…Rest as much as you can…and I hope you feel better..

jayabee52 2015-01-27 03:45:34 -0600 Report

Howdy Heidi
Vent away! That is the best way you can fight the darkness.

I am sorry you have had such a difficult time.

You are at least aware of the possibility of depresion, which can modify your experience of it.

I am sorry I am unable to help you more. I will pray that your pain eases.