stress has bs crazy

By Sally Latest Reply 2009-06-09 09:12:45 -0500
Started 2009-06-05 16:23:55 -0500

Anyone out there got any tips for dealing with crazy amounts of stress? My sixteen year old stepdaughter is moving back for the summer and the last time she was here was like living a horror movie every single day. Just preparing and knowing she is coming has my sugars swinging. I have been doing well with my numbers until now. She will be here in about two weeks and I am already feeling the stress, preparing for battle. She is not a nice person right now, I hope she will grow out of it. I have increased the exercise, and yoga and all those types of things. My meals are the same as always, so I know it is stress. I went from an 82 premeal reading yesterday to almost200 reading 2 hours later. Any suggestions on other things I could try??? SHe isn't even here yet and I am falling apart!!

13 replies

lipsie 2009-06-09 09:12:45 -0500 Report

My heart goes out to you! I honestly have never been in this situation but it sounds as you have gotten some GREAT advice here. I really do recommend you check into some anti anxiety medication though…if your blood pressure can hold it! Also, you mentioned seeing your MD soon anyhow. Please keep us updated for we all do care about you and your family. It does sound like you care for her so much too! Good luck!! Sheila

cyncyn 2009-06-08 07:23:24 -0500 Report

After raising a step-son, I can relate to your concerns. Both Gabby and Jocelyn have given great advise. I went thru this, myself. My step-son is 30 yrs. old now,and we are the best of friends, even though, his father and I are no longer together. We went thru the, "I'm not wanted" phase, and the "You're not my mother" phase. It took alot of work, but it paid off. His father was not one to inforce rules, but we sat down together, along with my children, and worked it out. Mainly, you have to set the rules, inforce those rules, but most important, you have to keep the communications opened. Even their opinions, no matter how small or large, matters! Let your step-daughter know that even though you and her father, may have different rules, that everyone has to answers for their own behavior, and even if she fails, she is still wanted and loved. Even as adults, we sometimes fall short of rules, ourselves.
Good luck with your situation! I hope all works out for you, your husband and his daughter.


lois hutchins
lois hutchins 2009-06-07 21:17:58 -0500 Report

You HAVE TO set house rules, your LIFE is at stake!
Diabetes doesn't play fair and STRESS is just as bad!!
You may have to limit her visits for your health. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Her other parent probably just wants a break from her as well! If her attitude change, TOO BAD;
SEND HER PACKIN!!! Most of these kids think we owe them something; and we go on a guilt trip and give in!
Not this time, this visit is an honor not a priviledge and your husband(bless his heart) HAS TO UNDERSTAND
your health issues are critical to your life, unless he is ready to be a widower. Keep it real, don't sugar coat it.
My heart and prayers are with you.
if you need to vent some more

lois hutchins
lois hutchins 2009-06-07 21:29:41 -0500 Report

I meant to say if her attitude DOES NOT change(after THE TALK) TOO BAD; SEND HER PACKIN right along with her non attitude adjustment.oh well you tried and it didn't work she's young she'll get over it faster than you & hubby OR she'll want to change or make a decent
hugs again

GabbyPA 2009-06-07 14:56:09 -0500 Report

Man that is tough. I have a step daughter as well, who came back to live with seems now forever. We get along pretty well for the most part, thank goodness, but we do have our days.
She doesn't ever initiate doing anything around the house and it aggravates me to no end. I have to watch myself though too, as I find I get too critical. Some days she must feel like I hate her and she can't do anything right. I hate it when I get that I have to step back, realize that she was not raised by me and just a few years of being together doesn't unlearn all the old patterns.

One thing that does help is if there are true consequences for not doing something or doing something wrong. It sucks sometimes, and I can feel like an Ogre, but those usually pay off, get my stress down, get the job done and even if she grumps...she is happier in the end too.

Perhaps a talk and a rule setting with all 3 of you. And your hubby has to be a part of it. He really has to be the inforcer, as you are not her "parent". Do it Super Nanny style if you have to. But if your health is paramount, then you have to be the adults. You do have the authority whether she thinks so or not. The first time you guys cave is the green light for her. It doesn't have to be an "us" versus "her". It can be a "lets work together".
Ask her what she wants to get out of the visit. If she says nothing, then she gets nothing. But with time, that can turn around if you do things she wants to do also. What are some of the favorite things she likes to do with that bond.
You have to admit, it sucks being torn between two families. It is hard on everyone, including her. That could be the root of her acting so rebeliously. Or could just be 16.

I didn't mean to get so long, but I know a little of what you are going thru. Situations like that are rarely one sided, so find what you can do to make it better. Ask her what she can do, and then all of you stick to making it might just surprise yourselves.

tabby9146 2009-06-07 18:02:04 -0500 Report

I feel so bad for you. I hope it all works out. I would shorten her visit, if possible. Glad you talked things over with your hubby and I do hope he will get tougher with her. He has got to understand this is your health. My hubby thinks stress won't affect me, just because so far, it never has, but I remind him that I have 'early' diabetesa dn things are great now, but they will not always be that way. Anyway, I wish the best for you. Keep us updated.

Sally 2009-06-06 08:23:28 -0500 Report

Thank you guys so much for responding, and yes my husband and I have talked at length about this. The biggest problem with his daughter is her disrespect and not following any rules we set. My husband is very meek with her and doesn't follow thru with punishments. Neither does her mom. This has gone on so long, she doesn't even think the police have any authority over her. I am a photographer and lots of times I am gone for most of the day. Last time she was here, I came home to the smoke alarm going off, and something burning in the oven, while she was upstairs with her boyfriend making out with the stereo so loud they didn't hear the alarm. And my dogs were outside of the fence, because she left the gate open. That is just one example, but this type of thing was daily around here. My husbands job keeps him from home sometimes til after midnight, so I will be alone with her quite often. Like I said, we have talked but there is not much of a chance of him being any firmer with her, it just isn't his nature.
As far as stress meds go, I am not sure if my doc would prescribe anything. I have such low blood pressure (it runs in my family). They couldn't even give me anything in the hospital with my surgery because it was so low. However maybe after she is here for a few days, my blood pressure will be high enough to need meds:) I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but either way, thanks for listening to me vent!

LadyDi - 26259Miller
LadyDi - 26259Miller 2009-06-06 08:33:36 -0500 Report

Based on what you're saying, I'm not sure why you two agree to take her for an extended period. I know her dad loves her, but it's just not right to have her come in and disrupt your lives like that. I'm afraid I'd have to put my foot down and refuse to have her. But that's me, of course, and I know you have to do whatever is necessary for both of you. God bless you and give you strength.

Sally 2009-06-07 12:01:00 -0500 Report

Believe me, that was my first instict. But I don't have any children of my own, so I don't know how it feels to be in his situation. I certainly don't want to come between his relationship with his kid. And I keep telling myself she is only sixteen, maybe she will grow out of this stuff. (I am praying she does, for her own good). It is just tough to know what the right solution is for everyone. We are just going on faith right now. My numbers are still really wild, if they don't settle down soon, I will have make a dr. appt and see what he thinks about starting meds. Its scarey, but my health has to be a priority right now. Thanks again for all the support.

LadyDi - 26259Miller
LadyDi - 26259Miller 2009-06-07 12:06:47 -0500 Report

I'm sure you will handle it well and get it all worked out. Just take a lot of big deep breaths and allow yourself some away time as some else suggested. Try to keep in mind that you must remain as calm as possible in order to preserve your own health. Don't know if it would work or not, but perhaps your husband could explain the issue of your health to her and ask her help keeping things calm. Worth a try anyway.

LadyDi - 26259Miller
LadyDi - 26259Miller 2009-06-05 18:14:38 -0500 Report

You do not mention if you are on any type anti-stress medication, so that might be something to discuss with your primary physician. I do hope that you and your husband have a good relationship and that he steps up and takes responsibility for this daughter when she's in your home. It's often difficult to discipline a teen under the best of circumstances, much less when you're a "step". Her dad needs to demand that she behave properly and show the proper respect to you and your home, and he needs to be consistent. If that simply cannot happen, then she needs to be returned to her mother (I presume) and future visits limited or stopped altogether until she can make some changes. This is your life too, and your health. You cannot afford to destroy your body and your home life for this child. I wish you good luck. Mary is right. Have that talk with your husband immediately and come to an agreement about how things will be handled when it is time for her to come. Watch your numbers and talk with your doctor about something to help you with the stress.

Sarguillo 2009-06-05 17:01:30 -0500 Report

I hate to say this, but put her out of your mind untill you have to deal with her. Calmly inform your spouse that her presence is stressing you out. Not that you dont want her there, but the friction causes stress. Let your spouse deal with the step as much as possible. Its not like you can leave for the time she is there, even if you wanted to. Remember to take some time out for yourself, Outside of the home. Outside of the family. SOme time for yourself. Make this a firm rule. If the door to your bedroom is closed and locked, dont bother knocking. Its your down time. you may be asleep or resting, or just reading or relaxing. And make sure there is a rule about volume on the stereo and how many friends can be over. I used to have a rule in my house, You introduce all who are in the house to me as they come in or when I come home, or I kick eveyone out. I once came home to a house full of people I didnt know, Volume of the TV was loud, It was a superbowl sunday. I said something to someone and someone else told me to shut up as he coulnt hear the TV. This was my house, he was watching my TV and he had the nerve to tell me to shut up. I watched the superbowl by myself in a quiet house that year.
You know, my dog has a crate that he knows that when hes in the crate, its his space. I dont bother him while hes in there. He knows that in his crate, hes king. No rules aplly while hes resting in his crate. Except not using it to go to the bathroom.
Sometimes I think we can learn from our animals. We too need our room or special area that we are not bothered while we are there.
Good luck.

2009-06-05 17:14:41 -0500 Report

Sarguillo, I agree with you. And Sally, you need to have that talk with your husband NOW, and not wait until your stepdaughter is in the house. Stick to your guns!!

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