Crashing down.

Carol11
By Carol11 Latest Reply 2009-05-29 06:17:44 -0500
Started 2009-05-28 10:20:32 -0500

Here I was doing so great yesterday, the readings were good 4.4(79) before breakfast and lunch. I went out for Chinese (haven't been for a couple of months) had an egg roll, stir fry chicken & veg, 1/2c steamed rice & jasmine tea. Dosed with 7iu NovoRapid and when I checked after 2hr I was at 6.8(122) and I was so pleased with myself that I seemed to have got it right for a change. Even by supper time I was 5.8 (104) and bedtime 4.4 again. I was patting myself on the back that I had done so well for the day for the first time in a long time. But then I was writing up the day in my private journal and everything just came crashing in on me. What good was one day in the scheme of things? I'll never get rid of this beast. All the doubts came crashing back. No one will tell me how I got this type 1 especially at my age (62) it is practically unheard of, the odds are astronomical, nor how to get rid of it. It just seems so futile, so hopeless. All the work with no results. Sorry to vent but I just had to get it out.


7 replies

lipsie
lipsie 2009-05-29 06:17:44 -0500 Report

I just wanted to say that you should pat yourself on your back because those numbers were GREAT for the day! I know its frustrating and I can only imagine even more in your circumstance of as you said understanding "Why now?" but we are all here as one big ol' family in a matter of speaking and care about you. *Hugs* Sheila

MeiMei
MeiMei 2009-05-28 13:00:42 -0500 Report

Carol, I know where you are coming from. At the age of 59 I, too, was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. All of my professional career has been spent counselling people in the prevention of diabetes. My diet was good, my life was active, I was exercising, I was even losing weight (I had a few extra pounds, not many). I was enjoying dancing at the local bar (I was not drinking at the time). Then I went to the ER with a case of severe back pain and was diagnosed with diabetes, type 1 was diagnosed later. I was shocked and at first was depressed, I know now. The endocrinologist explained it to me this way. My diabetes was caused by an auto-immune response. This same response can cause such diseases as fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis and in my case diabetes type 1. In other words due to breakdown by our own bodies our pancreas does not produce insulin any more. My own pancreas has more recently decided to produce fewer of the other digestive enzymes as well, and I think it is related. Regardless of the cause, unless they decide to do stem cell injections, I am stuck with what I have. It sounds like you have been doing the best you can. I know you will have your good days and bad days, your up days and your down days. Been there, done that. There are days when I feel I would just like to chuck it all, but I won't for my grandchildren's sake, as I watch them during the week now. If you ever want a shoulder to cry on just let me know. We here at this web site have good soggy shoulders and a lot of good things to say to help you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start all over again.

Judimar
Judimar 2009-05-28 12:37:52 -0500 Report

Hi Carol,

I'm not sure I can add anything else to this discussion. The other posters have summed things up so eloquently. It is human nature to ask why and to doubt ourselves and our abilities.

Sadly,no one can tell you why at 62 you got type1. You may never know why or how it came about. Sometimes our bodies don't act the way doctors and medical professionals expect. I wish there was more I could say on this… but I'm not sure what can be said exactly.

What good is one great day.. it's a start. Hopefully there will be others to follow. I certainly pray there will be for you. You're still young… (to me anything under 300 is young) and you have the rest of your life ahead of you to live. I have learned to take life as it comes… a day at a time because life is one breath at a time. A journey is one step at a time. We can only do the best we can do.

You don't have to apologize for venting. That's what we are here for. I know it maybe hard to believe but the people here care about you. We are going through similiar things so we can relate and empathize with your feelings and doubts.

Carol, you are a beautiful gift to this world. There is only one you and you are precious. Keep doing the great job you've been doing!

*hugs*

Judi

DJ
DJ 2009-05-28 11:25:52 -0500 Report

Wow Carol,I have to say that all of us have been at this point and asked the same questions…But Futile?? No way!!
The day you decribed would be a dream day for a great many of us..those numbers are AWESOME!!
Doubts…yeah we all have those as well and questions and "Why Me" days,but you come to realize that this condition is a moment to moment thing…a day to day work in progress..and we have good days and bad days..but so do people with no conditions to deal with. We are born and we die and in between we have this thing called life and we can never be certain what we will be handed to deal with, but HOW we deal with it is what is important..It honestly looks to me like you are dealing very well with the numbers side of it, but having a bit of a problem with the WHY side of it. In my mind I have never tried to justify why..since it "Just Is" as in a fact of life and just another thing life has seen fit to hand me to deal with, and No I didn't always look at it this way, and I rode the denial train for a while until I realized it was a very swift one-way trip to the end of my life..so I jumped off and got back to dealing with this condition.
Carol, hunny you are doing a great job, and those doubts will creep in from time to time..but when they do, go look in the mirror and tell yourself "I am doing great today..& I will deal with tomorrow no matter what it brings me".Some days it is tougher to do then others, but it is a sure fire way to push those doubts aside.
Venting is a great way to get those pent up frustrations out, and you can rest assured we will be here to listen and help if we can.
HUgz,*DJ

John Crowley
John CrowleyCA 2009-05-28 11:10:25 -0500 Report

Carol,
My heart really goes out to you. The roller-coaster of emotions can be a rough ride at times.

But the answer to your question "What good was one day in the scheme of things?" is that one good day is EVERYTHING. You can only live one day at a time. You can't change what you did yesterday. No amount of worry or stress will change tomorrow. If you are doing your best today, you are winning!

And don't worry, over time this will all become second nature to you. You'll learn to handle your insulin, count carbs, and everything without a second thought.

Hang in there!

Latte Lady
Latte Lady 2009-05-28 11:07:18 -0500 Report

Carol,
One day is the first day of the rest of your life. What a great start you had.
Yes, we all have those days. They are permitted once in awhile, but think of the alternatives. If life was not full of challenges, highs and lows, it would be so darn boring.
DH and I had Chinese yesterday ourselves. He gets a kick out of how accurate I can 'guesstimate' the calories/carbs in foods.
You are worth the effort you put into caring for yourself.
Each of us is a unique and special individual, cherish it. Warts and all. Some days I feel like a warthog, other days an happy bubbling ball. ;) hugs

squirt62681
squirt62681 2009-05-28 10:45:09 -0500 Report

Hi just wanted to comment I feel the same way sometimes but than I think about my family and know that I can make it through this.