Anyone else even considering suicide?

Pymlover
By Pymlover Latest Reply 2014-11-08 10:31:43 -0600
Started 2014-11-01 13:56:19 -0500

I am almost 68 years old. I've had Type II Diabetes for twenty years and in the last few months my blood sugar has gone crazy and out of control. For the diabetes, I changed doctors from my internist to a brand new endocrinologist in town (actually 35 miles away). She increased Lantus and added twenty units of Humalog before each meal and requested numerous testing of blood sugar a day. I am now on a strict, I assume, normal diabetic diet. She wants me to exercise one hour each day. Ha. My blood sugar is better, but I feel like I am starving and such a poor old victim. I REALLY miss tastier food. I KNOW there are millions of people worse off than I am, but I can't seem to get beyond this "poor me" mentality. I couldn't/wouldn't kill myself because of loved ones, but I sure would prefer not to be here at all. My complaint must seem so lame to many of you. I'm hoping someone of you can tell me something to turn a switch in my brain. My husband doesn't help when he says, "Think about the poor ol' 'fill in the blank' who have it so much worse. I don't enjoy things I used to. Thank you for any support. We do have support groups in the area, but I would feel super dumb saying what I think and complaining. Thank you.


27 replies

MrsCDogg
MrsCDogg 2014-11-08 03:02:46 -0600 Report

I too have been on the brink of suicide. That particular day I was in such a deep dark emotional hole that it seemed like a small voice was whispering into my ear "you know where the gun is, you know how to make all this pain stop". As I sat on the sofa thinking it over the phone rang. It was my husband calling from work. I don't even remember why he called now. But, to me it was The Almighty's way of saying "Don't do this thing your are contemplating. There is still work for you to do here on earth." So, I started to dig myself out of that deep dark hole. I realized that there were lots of people who would be heart broken if I took my own life and it would be horribly unfair to all of them. I didn't even tell my husband (who is my best friend) for a long time. Thankfully I have been able to stay out of that hole.
You are a brave person for coming to DC and sharing your feelings. It's a good step toward feeling better. Don't keep things like this to yourself. A burden becomes lighter when it is shared. Praying for peace for you.
Sharon

Pymlover
Pymlover 2014-11-08 10:31:43 -0600 Report

Thank you for writing. Almost everyone expresses the same things that you do. Probably it is not the diabetes alone, but that in combination with other life problems. The effect suicide would have on my two children is what keeps me from doing it. I am looking for someone to talk to. A professional. I feel old and weak and feel unable to overcome those things. Thank you again.

valentine lady
valentine lady 2014-11-07 15:28:38 -0600 Report

Dear Pymlover, I started to write to you the other day and decided i needed to gather my thougjts before I did. So I hope this helps. Sure suicide does seem like an easy fast fix. I thought so once anyway. I had the rifle in my in my moiuth, my big toe sort of in the trigger hole but convienved myself I was in a very amazinly awkward position and it would not work. So i laid tthe rifle aside and called the suicide life line. The man who was there for me knew I was in desperate need for the right words and set of mind. He spoke to me what would be the words that would save my life. Although at the time I liked the idea he came
up with better than my own. He told me to pack up things I needed for the boys and me. and just leave. I told him what would happen if I left. He said all the better. This is what would happen to him if he went to prison for shotting his wife and i liked it. I more than evetr loved the idea that the boys would remember
The day their Dad shot their mom. Instead of Mom shot herself So I left…I in a hot hurry. I started a new life. The boys understood why I left. Their Dad was an alcoholic, wife beater. To make it short, a coward. But so was I. To get your strength
back you need to staand up and fight the thing the that has your
life. In your case diabetes. No excuses, just do it. After all these
years you know how.. If you don't read DC and you'll learn all over again. No more tears, accept what the Lord God has given you. Remember only you can do this and you can. I felt like you at first. I was dx july of 2007. Oh yes it got worse and now I put my big girl panties on, have lost 75 lbs. My A1C is 5.1 and I am not on any insulin or pills. You can do the same. Ii am always at your
disposal anytime you want to talk. Your in my prayers, always
Hugs, VL
p.s. there's a lot more to the story I just gave you the high lites

Pymlover
Pymlover 2014-11-07 16:34:52 -0600 Report

Wow. I appreciate that you told me a bit of your story. I am sorry about what you have had to go through and applaud you for your extreme bravery and actions. Yes, I hate the diabetes, but I am in a marriage situation that makes it so much harder to get control of what I eat, taking my shots and meds, etc. I feel like I am crazy most of the time. I've been married almost 46 years to someone never should have married…gosh, a little late now. We are like oil and water and the poor kids were affected by the bickering, of course. Luckily no physical abuse, but there is verbal abuse and an OCD issue. My sister encourages me to leave and tells me she knows that even thinking of leaving is overwhelming, but she says to take baby steps, etc. I cove in with her for a while. Son, 44, who lives locally, knows how crazy my situation is. Daughter, 37, lives in another state and is aware of how her parents just don't get along, but I don't talk with her about it. She is a sweet little thing and has stress from her work, etc. At least, I won't say anything for a while. Wow, I should lose 40 pounds, but dang, how much less and boring can I eat? And you have a wonderful A1c. I jut can't comprehend and wrap my head around seeing my doctors and every other bit of living separate from my husband. We have different situations, but similar in some ways. I do like what you wrote and appreciate every word. Not sure if/when I am leaving and don't want to lose contact with you. My "secret" email is eustaciavye1912@gmail.com small…(eustacia is a favorite character in a favorite Hardy novel). Got to get off here. Thank you.

Ravens47
Ravens47 2014-11-06 13:03:20 -0600 Report

Yep, Diabetes Sucks ! Just do what you gotta do, food is an obsession and truly over-rated in this country-many rich countries. We all go through those "poor me" times. The holidays are especially difficult, but life is wonderful with or without diabetes. Stay Strong-You CAN do it.

lou2u
lou2u 2014-11-06 09:44:22 -0600 Report

Yes, please. I would love to see your meal plan. I have now purchased the South Beach diet book as well as the carb counter - just haven't implemented any of it yet. Is there a particular app that you use to record your carbs. I need a tracker that allows me to email info to my doctors
Thanks so much.

lou2u
lou2u 2014-11-05 19:24:54 -0600 Report

Hello. I'm also 68 and have had the same problem since the first of September. We have property in Indiana and went back in July to get some if it ready to sell. My sugar levels were great. I worked my tail off and when we headed back to Florida-stopping to see our son in South Carolina, I was exhausted. The 3 days with our son and family I napped for 4 to 5 hours in the afternoons. When we got home IU was still worn out. Then my numbers became elevated. I called my doctor and she told me to take a pill and a half. I did for 2 weeks but numbers continued to climb. Then she told me to take two. I have been now for two weeks. My numbers are never normal. Either too high or too low. I exercise and control my portions. I'm on a 1000 calorie diet. I just don't know what else to do…and I still have NO energy. Sounds like we are living the same life! Know you have a partner here who can relate! Maybe together we can support each other.

jayabee52
jayabee52 2014-11-06 08:13:40 -0600 Report

Howdy Lou and Pym
May I but in with my 2 cents worth?

Rather than measure your intake with calories prehaps the better thing to consider is the amount of carbohydrates you should be consuming in a meal.

Counting Carbs instead of calories gives you a better handle on what your BG (blood glusose) will do, especially if you go with a low (not no) carb and high protein meal plan.

I have followed a low carb, high protein meal plan for 3 + years. I had kept my BG levels in the normal range (80 to 130 mg/dl) achieved an A1c of 5.5, lost 65 lbs over the course of 5 mo, all the while discontinuing any diabetes medications (NPH insulin). I have written up the meal plan I follow and will share it upon request.

God's best to you both

James.

Pymlover
Pymlover 2014-11-05 20:09:24 -0600 Report

Hey Lou. Thanks SO much for writing. I had a fasting blood test this morning so my endocrinologist wants to test my kidney function.. OH GREAT! So. now what. So sorry to hear your sugars are going crazy and your doc's suggestions aren't helping as of yet. And you are eating so little! I think I am eating about 1200 cals. a day, but I don't keep good track. I know I feel like I am starving a lot of the time and I am not good at exercising like you are. Be proud of that! All I can think is for you to keep after your doctor and communicate how worried and frustrated you are and ask for help with changes. I will support you in any way I can…

andy1979
andy1979 2014-11-04 18:22:15 -0600 Report

hiya read your story with heartfelt compassion, at your age life is a gift each and every day, however as a newbie to this exclusive club called diabeties im learning to accept when im pissed with life, im same food is no longer enjoyable so im going through a-z of herbs and spices at min.but like yourself id be at front of que if theres a cure for dadamm condition. my best wishes are with you at this time

calayx
calayx 2014-11-04 05:48:13 -0600 Report

Yes, I've thought of it when I got my diagnosis of ciroshis of the liver. I never drank, so this news about killed me.
Then I got the diagnosis of T2, boy, I ready had "sentence" of 10+ years. Added on to my other health problems, I was ready to die, and now.
Of course I thought about my daughter and son. I would do anything to care and protect them. If I killed myself, who would care and love them? My five grandchildren, how could I ever hurt them?
GOD reminded me that what if they found a cure? I WOULD MISS IT . What if we only had to wait for a few years?
GOD also reminded me that it it HE who decides when it's time to be with Him.
Don't commit suicide, we all love you !!
Let all of us love you and PRAY for you. We deserve too!
Calayx

sherryleigh
sherryleigh 2014-11-04 07:14:54 -0600 Report

Hi James.
I would like to see your meal plan please, I am really struggling to lose weight and get on track.
Sherry

Stuart1966
Stuart1966 2014-11-03 19:08:32 -0600 Report

Nooooooooooooo.

I've been on Diabetic message boards since the Compuserve days. And a diabetic far, far longer than that. What you are talking about to me seems entirely and completely normal. You are frustrated. And your subject header concerns all of us.

I have always HATED the "relativism card" when anybody foolishly plays it.

My suffering is quite sufficient thanks… it is not important that other people elsewhere are suffering far more than you or I might well be…we are suffering quite enough but thanks for offering that cheery useless tidbit, ugggh. Not a fan of relativism to improve anyones spirits, thinking, etc,

Lame, not in a million blessed years. If you can find me ANYBODY, a single person who is diabetic for any time and BLISSED out of their minds by the joys, and fun of this cranky beast, I will happily eat my socks! That being said, there are some parts which are not bad or unpleasant.

Exercise, it does not matter what type or kind. You like walking, ok. You find dancing fun, there you go. Prefer to swim, or bike, fine. Put together a list for us, things you have enjoyed, or heck have always wanted to try. There must be things, right?

You are not remotely alone in disliking all kinds of things about this whiny disease. In person, you will find all kinds of completely normal folks, some you will become friends with, some you won't invite to dinner. Meet with your local peers, local support groups and keep going until you find a group(s) that do work for you?

PetiePal
PetiePal 2014-11-03 10:41:09 -0600 Report

Never. I've sure despaired in the past. I mean I was 28 when I was diagnosed…and it felt like I hadn't even gotten to the prime of my life before I was diagnosed with something I can never get rid of. But I'm never going to give up or lose my life because of it.

Hang in there!

jayabee52
jayabee52 2014-11-01 16:58:20 -0500 Report

Howdy Pymlover
WELCOME to DC!
Yes, I am one who considered suicide. Have had suicide ideations ever since I was in my mid teens (i am now 62). When times were better and it kinda faded into the background, but then when something bad happened to me, it would come front and center in my brain. At one point in my life I had the barrel of a shotgun in my mouth but chose not to do it because I had been taught that I would go to hell to suffer for eternity if I murdered myself.

I haven't had those ideations since I chose to not allow myself to die due to my need for dialysis. I felt that I could stop my dialysis and end my life in a few short days without fear of hell because I allowed nature to take its course.

I chose not to follow that plan as I thought again and I felt I'd be giving my sons a bad example of what a man does when he is in a rough patch of life.

I believe God honored that decision not to end my life as the things lacking in my life at the time were replaced. I got a new wife, disability payments, medicare, I didn't even have a smidgin of suicide ideation even when my 2nd wife passed away in 2010. I now have another lady who has agreed to be my wife and she is special. God has blessed.

What I had considered killing myself over has long since faded into history. So really I would have taken a permanent solution to a very temporary problem or trouble.

I know how you feel about not wanting to be here at all. I'd rather be in heaven, But God, when I wake every morning is telling me that it is not yet my time for that. So I get up and try to make something of my day.

I believe you can gain control of your Diabetes once more.

Praying God's best to you and yours
James

Pymlover
Pymlover 2014-11-01 18:26:20 -0500 Report

Thank you so much for your idea Jayabee62. Yes, we hear over and over that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem, but diabetes lasts a lifetime! I feel like a baby, but it sure is difficult to live with! Yes, there are a LOT of WORSE things…I appreciate your answering and I wish you all happiness!

jayabee52
jayabee52 2014-11-02 00:01:50 -0500 Report

Please you may call me James.
While Diabetes lasts the rest of one's life one's bad spell does not. I had not had great numbers for a long time and I have the complications to prove it. Yet about 3 yrs ago I decided to try a new way of managing my diabetes which resulted in keeping my BG levels in the normal range (80 to 130 mg/dl) achieving an A1c of 5.5, loss of 65 lbs of fat over the course of 5 months. I have been able to maintain that for these past 3 + yrs. So that bad patch of BG readings is most certainly temporary.

BTW my meal plan may be had simply by asking for it.

James

rolly123
rolly123 2014-11-01 14:09:39 -0500 Report

Pymlover
I understand u feel doom with disease when i got nerve damage badly and i suffer mental illness so i have close friend who helps me stay ahead! U got get help mentally i c therapist because i love sweets good fatty food! I try focus what would happenvif i was gone who suffer because im gone! I help take care adult friend who is disable is in wheel chair my friend needs me! Also if dont take care could go on dylisis i dont want that! Keep going things get better think food u can have and make it special i have sf pudding i count carbs so make special thing fit thanksgiven hardest mary tells me have one special treat small peice but make thing u can have! Hope this helps!
Valerie

Pymlover
Pymlover 2014-11-01 15:51:37 -0500 Report

Thank you so much, Rolly 123!!!~ I appreciate your writing so much…you are the only one to reply so far. People probably think I am a nut case. Yes, my son and sweet, sweet little daughter (well, 37 years old!) would freak out forever if I did anything drastic…I love your idea of one little treat on Thanksgiving. The best of everything to you…Pymlover

Stuart1966
Stuart1966 2014-11-04 05:35:20 -0600 Report

"THEY" ain't the only ones!!!!

There are a bunch of people whom you've never met that will move heaven and earth to make (@)#*@#(@* sure you do not do "drastic".

We are your peers.

And though we have never met in person, you are FORBIDDEN from such "drastic" ?! A bunch of people I've met over the years, hundreds in humber, rarely met a single one, not one of them who would not give me their strips, syringes, give me a unit or two, if we needed them. Friend or foe, because they were also diabetics, not a single one would think one second about giving me juice, soda, whatever was necessary to keep me alive were I near them.

It is a rule, you are not allowed.

I (and the line of people behind me) will not allow it. 8 > ok so cut that out please.

Stuart1966
Stuart1966 2014-11-04 05:35:09 -0600 Report

"THEY" ain't the only ones!!!!

There are a bunch of people whom you've never met that will move heaven and earth to make (@)#*@#(@* sure you do not do "drastic".

We are your peers.

And though we have never met in person, you are FORBIDDEN from such "drastic" ?! A bunch of people I've met over the years, hundreds in humber, rarely met a single one, not one of them who would not give me their strips, syringes, give me a unit or two, if we needed them. Friend or foe, because they were also diabetics, not a single one would think one second about giving me juice, soda, whatever was necessary to keep me alive were I near them.

It is a rule, you are not allowed.

I (and the line of people behind me) will not allow it. 8 > ok so cut that out please.

Stuart1966
Stuart1966 2014-11-03 19:17:55 -0600 Report

P.S. Pymlover

THEY ain't the only ones!!!! You got a bunch of people whom you've never met that will move heaven and earth to make (@)#*@#(@* sure you do not do "drastic".

We are your peers.

And though we have never met in person, you are FORBIDDEN from the "drastic" got it?! There is a bunch of people I've met over the years, hundreds in humber, never met a single one, not once who would not give me the strips in their pack, the syringe from their kit, and would not think one second about giving me juice, soda, whatever was necessary to keep me alive if I was with them.

It is a rule, you are not allowed.

I and the line of people behind me will not allow it. 8 > so cut that out please.

Stuart1966
Stuart1966 2014-11-03 19:17:28 -0600 Report

P.S. Pymlover

THEY ain't the only ones!!!! You got a bunch of people whom you've never met that will move heaven and earth to make (@)#*@#(@* sure you do not do "drastic".

We are your peers.

And though we have never met in person, you are FORBIDDEN from the "drastic" got it?! There is a bunch of people I've met over the years, hundreds in humber, never met a single one, not once who would not give me the strips in their pack, the syringe from their kit, and would not think one second about giving me juice, soda, whatever was necessary to keep me alive if I was with them.

It is a rule, you are not allowed.

I and the line of people behind me will not allow it. 8 > so cut that out please.

Stuart1966
Stuart1966 2014-11-03 19:17:17 -0600 Report

P.S. Pymlover

THEY ain't the only ones!!!! You got a bunch of people whom you've never met that will move heaven and earth to make (@)#*@#(@* sure you do not do "drastic".

We are your peers.

And though we have never met in person, you are FORBIDDEN from the "drastic" got it?! There is a bunch of people I've met over the years, hundreds in humber, never met a single one, not once who would not give me the strips in their pack, the syringe from their kit, and would not think one second about giving me juice, soda, whatever was necessary to keep me alive if I was with them.

It is a rule, you are not allowed.

I and the line of people behind me will not allow it. 8 > so cut that out please.