Jokes #4

By Goddess Latest Reply 2011-11-20 08:42:07 -0600
Started 2009-02-27 13:35:41 -0600

A place where you forget your troubles and just laugh, laugh,laugh.

63 replies

Goddess 2009-03-20 00:00:50 -0500 Report

I have to say that we have some people on here that knows how to tell a joke that will make you laugh. thanks

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-12 06:26:17 -0500 Report

A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola in plain view on the passenger's seat of his car.

He rushed outside… but it was too late… someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-12 06:28:30 -0500 Report

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologists: "They have reproduced".

The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-11 15:46:25 -0500 Report

In a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion dollars in profit. That just shows you: If you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, they’ll show you how to turn it into $8 billion in profit.

— Jay Leno

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-11 15:47:49 -0500 Report

Warren Buffett says that the economy has fallen off a cliff. I say, Who cares what that Margaritaville guy thinks, anyway.

— David Letterman

dj7110 2009-03-11 13:45:29 -0500 Report


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier..

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye—they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the cou nter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail…

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh — if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-11 06:03:31 -0500 Report

Apply Locally

Customer gets a topical cream. Direction: apply locally two times a day.

Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally, I'm going out of town."

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-11 06:02:22 -0500 Report

Take Every Four Hours

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.

"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-11 06:01:06 -0500 Report

The Magic Lamp

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

Richard157 2009-03-09 10:04:17 -0500 Report

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result… The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly, old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-09 08:56:19 -0500 Report

How the fight started.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started…

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-09 08:58:08 -0500 Report

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road when the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you get so stressed that little things just seem funny? Well, I couldn't believe it…the other driver was a dwarf!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I am NOT happy!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started…

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-09 08:59:32 -0500 Report

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

So I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started…

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-09 09:01:13 -0500 Report

When I got home from work yesterday, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So I drove her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-09 09:03:12 -0500 Report

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' exclaimed my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started…

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-09 09:05:09 -0500 Report

A woman is looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old and frumpy. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Well, your eyesight is near perfect.'

And then the fight started…

2009-03-09 11:25:07 -0500 Report

At a certain point you would think that you would learn to keep your mouth shut!!
Which, I know, is virtually asking the impossible.

2009-03-09 14:54:46 -0500 Report

I know that it takes all the excitment out of life for you to keep you mouth shut, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet!! Of course, if you keep your mouth shut for very long, you would blow up and explode!! LOL

2009-03-09 19:02:19 -0500 Report

Maybe I'll just let you go. I'm not about to clean up that much of a mess!! I hate cleaning as it is, and cleaning up a mess like that would just be too much for me!!!

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-08 13:59:36 -0500 Report

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-08 14:00:41 -0500 Report

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-08 14:01:10 -0500 Report

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair..
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

2009-03-08 14:03:18 -0500 Report

Did #9 happen to you? If it did, I would have loved to have seen that!! LOL

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-08 14:01:59 -0500 Report

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-08 07:39:05 -0500 Report

A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slip."

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-08 07:37:56 -0500 Report

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-08 07:37:22 -0500 Report

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-07 06:03:47 -0600 Report

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-07 05:56:31 -0600 Report

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-07 05:53:42 -0600 Report

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and so he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doc…", his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor", the man replied, "I'm from the IRS".

Judithtoo 2011-11-20 08:42:07 -0600 Report

I've just read this whole long list of jokes, and I haven't laughed that hard in years and years. Thanks so much!

marvinvwinkle 2009-03-04 19:40:01 -0600 Report

An airplane was once making a routine flight from Hackensack, New Jersey to New York City. The people on board where the world's smartest politician, the pilot (also a father), a Boy Scout, and a devout Christian. In mid-flight, the engine stalled, and there where only three parachutes. The pilot said, " I've got a family down there. I need to live so I can take care of them" so he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The world's smartest politician said, I've got an election coming up, so I'd better live so I can win it." So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. That left the Boy Scout and the Christian in the plane and only 1 parachute. The Christian said, "I have lived a long life. I am prepared for. Go and grab that parachute for yourself." The Boy Scout got his parachute and was about to jump when he said, "Hey, there is one for you too. The world’s smartest politician grabbed my backpack

marvinvwinkle 2009-03-02 11:11:24 -0600 Report

Life explained:

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-03-01 07:42:55 -0600 Report

Taxes Defined

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Goddess 2009-03-01 10:22:13 -0600 Report

ain't that the

sparkysmom 2009-02-28 19:23:47 -0600 Report

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-02-28 07:48:30 -0600 Report

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"Not really," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-02-28 07:46:29 -0600 Report

Clumsy Ad Copy

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

roger 2009-02-27 20:39:09 -0600 Report

got this in an email today The Man Rules—too funny and too true!!!!!!
> At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
> Finally, the guys' side of the story.
> ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
> We always hear 'the rules'
> From the female side

> Now here are the rules from the male side.

> These are our rules!
> Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '

> 1. Men are NOT mind readers.

> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
> You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
> We need it up, you need it down.
> You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

> 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
> or the changing of the tides.
> Let it be.

> 1. Crying is blackmail.

> 1. Ask for what you want.
> Let us be clear on this one:
> Subtle hints do not work!
> Strong hints do not work!
> Obvious hints do not work!
> Just say it!

> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

> 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
> Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

> 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
> In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

> 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
> Don't ask us.

> 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

> 1. You can either ask us to do something
> or tell us how you want it done.
> Not both.
> If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

> 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

> 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
> Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
> We do that.

> 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
> We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

> 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

> 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

> 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

> 1. You have enough clothes.

> 1. You have too many shoes.

> 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

> 1. Thank you for reading this.
> Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

> But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

> Pass this to as many men as you can -
> to give them a laugh.

> Pass this to as many women as you can -

> to give them a bigger laugh.

Anonymous 2009-02-28 03:52:50 -0600 Report

This is not in a readable format. Takes way to much room.

Goddess 2009-02-28 12:54:24 -0600 Report

He can write in any format he wants to!!!

roger 2009-02-28 16:55:01 -0600 Report

ya what she said! i will try harder next time.i mite even try to edit it just for you anonymous!!!

roger 2009-02-28 17:03:13 -0600 Report

is that better , up to your standard's i hope? did the old way make your finger sore turning that little wheel on your mouse ?