Should he be trusted?

By nzingha Latest Reply 2014-07-07 17:51:06 -0500
Started 2014-07-02 08:03:48 -0500

My friend shared her concern with me recently when I mentioned that I had to take my insulin and we were at the beach. She said she just found out that her partner was on insulin. I was shocked because all along they both knew of my case with diabetes and I had no idea he was even diabetic So I asked, did you even know he was diabetic. She said 'No'. 'What else is he hiding?'. I wondered. He could be HIV positive and she does not know. Now how can you be in a relationship and you are hiding the fact that you are diabetic? How do you handle this situation in this relationship. Is this not a serious signal to grab you things and run?


27 replies

Stuart1966 2014-07-06 12:29:08 -0500 Report

That's easy!!!
They are not at that level of sharing apparently. I do not advertise mine ever. I don't jump on the table and announce to the whole world I AM A T1 DIABETIC, never have, never will.

Did she give him her entire medical file, her sexual history, her emotional baggage(s)? With many of us, it is fundamentally not the partners concern, it is OUR disease, our problem, not theirs.

Now on the surface I might have concerns, but not too great, based on what you've shared initially. At some point, we share more with our partners/playmates. Initially, for a while, you don't give them all your negative stuff. Too scary and way too much on the "first date" per se!

nzingha 2014-07-03 19:41:40 -0500 Report

They have a long distance relationship for the most that might be why she is just learning. and he is T2 . People can hide anything they want to hide. Very easy.

GabbyPA 2014-07-06 09:57:25 -0500 Report

Oh, long distance is a huge difference. So are they really just good friends? Or true partners? There is a difference. Distance allows many things to be "un-noticed" I would say they are not as "close" as she may think.

nzingha 2014-07-06 12:00:35 -0500 Report

no..they are a serious item as far as i know…well on her side anyway..

GabbyPA 2014-07-07 17:51:06 -0500 Report

I hope they work it out to both of their satisfactions then. Is it going to make her stop loving him now that she knows he's diabetic? If not, then it's a new place to learn about each other again.

22eva 2014-07-03 19:02:52 -0500 Report

It's kind of hard to hide the fact that you are T1D for 10 years and your significant other has no clue of it. There has to have been some times that he had high's or lo's in her presence … Just kinda strange unless they really didn't spend very much time together. Has she never been to his house, opened his refrigerator to find insulin stored in it … Hmmmmm, this story really doesn't make sense. There is info missing

Stuart1966 2014-07-06 12:41:21 -0500 Report

Hello 22eva:
Certainly one possibility, but also consider some of us are soooo tight with the control, the high or low issue(s) literally do not exist…

Bizarre, but very possible for whose with the "OCD" bent. And some don't keep insulin in the fridge. We use it too fast… not many but some do.

GabbyPA 2014-07-03 08:39:47 -0500 Report

Well, that can be a shocker, and maybe the insulin is new to him as well. I don't know why he would hide that for so long, but denial can be a huge part of it and maybe he was in denial until he had to face insulin? There are so many reasons and questions. Maybe he was not testing, maybe he was not in good control, maybe he was afraid she would leave him if he told her?

Love is funny and will see right past things other people see obviously. I would not stir up suspicion, but I would encourage her to ask more questions of her partner. Trust has to be there to make it work.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-07-03 10:32:26 -0500 Report

Gabby this is a 10 year relationship and they are not married. He is not obligated to tell her anything. He may not have told her because she did exactly what he didn't want her to do. Blab to her friend that her partner is diabetic. It is his personal business and he doesn't have to tell her anything he does not want her to know.

Love is funny but I still wouldn't tell her to ask more questions. She is either too immature to do that on her own or she may not care as much about him as she wants her friend to believe. This is a can of worms and the best thing to do is stay out of it. In 10 years you can best believe this is not the first time she has found something out the hard way. If she has not learned to ask questions she never will. It is obvious that he wants some things to remain personal and private. His health is one of them. After all they do not live together so his privacy is very important to him. Even if he were in the hospital on his death bed the friend would not be treated like immediate family i.e his siblings or parents. So she has no say in anything concerning him. He will tell her what he wants her to know even if she asks.

lara72 2014-07-02 17:45:01 -0500 Report

Ten years is a long time though. I would just wait to see if your friend tell you anything else, how she is feeling about the situation before offering any advice. You dont want to break up your friendship because of this. Let your friend do the talking first and maybe offer advice after knowing a little bit more about it.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-07-02 21:43:51 -0500 Report

She should not offer any advice. If they have been together for 10 years, they should know enough about each other. The friend is looking for a scapegoat. There is something fishy with this and if she gives advice she is going to be the one smelling like the fish. People need to learn to mind their own business and not get involved in other peoples relationships. Your friends only tell you what they want you to know. There are two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth. She is only hearing one side of the problem.

Nick1962 2014-07-02 12:02:35 -0500 Report

You don’t mention how long these folks have been a couple or their living arrangements. I think you should be careful here in offering an opinion, as she may just be fishing for a reason to distrust him. Some folks can be insecure to the point of self-destruction, and that question sure sounds leading.
If it’s only been a few months and they don’t live together, I can see how it’s been overlooked. My current wife and I didn’t fully “disclose” all our issues until we were sure the relationship was going somewhere. On the other hand if they’ve been living together for a year, I’m thinking she would have picked it up.
Just my 2 cents.

nzingha 2014-07-02 17:39:16 -0500 Report

They dont live together but they have been in a long term relationship..maybe close to 10 years.

Nick1962 2014-07-02 18:00:09 -0500 Report

Something ain't right on both sides of that fence. I'd think it'd take a whole lot of work to hide T1 that long, even under separate roofs. Doesn't sound as if it's a committed relationship by either party.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-07-02 13:41:28 -0500 Report

Nick the partner may not trust the friend with the information. No matter what none of this is nzingha's business. if the friend is fishing, she is using her as a means to end the relationship. This friend may be insecure or is hoping nzingha may have heard something about the partner and wants her to spill her guts. All this will do is blow up in nzingha's face. She needs to stay out of it and mind her business.

I was hanging out in a bar one night with a good friend when I saw my best friends husband enter with a woman not his wife. He nearly dropped dead when he saw me and bought me drinks and begged me not to tell his wife. I never said one word because it was none of my business. She eventually found out he was cheating and he asked her if I told her. She calls me wanting to know why I didn't tell her. I said did you believe your sister and mother when they told you they saw him with this woman and she said no. I said I knew you would not believe me and it was none of my business. She was mad at me, her mother and her sister because she felt it was our responsibility to make her believe us. He left her and stayed with the woman for 5 years then crawled back home and she took him back. To this day he still cheats on her.

I stay out of friends relationships. That is very dangerous ground to walk on and I am never going to be the one left holding the bag. No one wants to see their friends hurt but when it comes to relationships, I listen but i always tell them they have to make their own decisions and do what is best for them.

When you put yourself in someone else's relationship you are the one who is going to suffer the most. Nzingha has no idea what is going on in that relationship or what goes on behind their closed doors. Instead of asking us if her friend should trust her partner she should simply mind her business because if she says something to the friend. The friend is not going to take it the way nzingha wants her to take it and there is going to be anger on both sides.

Nick1962 2014-07-02 14:50:44 -0500 Report

Yeah, I’ve learned after being in a similar situation to be careful in these cases. Could be a huge red flag, could be nothing. Wouldn’t want to be the one who tips the scale the wrong way based on limited information.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-07-02 16:59:12 -0500 Report

Me either which is why friends should never interfere in other friends. So people are far more mature than others and there are some women who are so sneaky they will get you to say what they want to hear and then the boom falls on you.

Nick1962 2014-07-02 18:02:52 -0500 Report

Yeah I've got friends I can confide in when I'm having issues, but they mostly turn it back on me telling me I have to figure it out.

robertoj 2014-07-02 10:48:30 -0500 Report

It's hard to gauge the situation. Some people are open and some are not. Some cultures are more secretive. My family never shared much with the children. I didn't even know that I had diabetes on both sides of my family or that my aunt died of leukemia when she was 26 the same as my sister. I only found out in my forties.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-07-02 13:48:43 -0500 Report

Exactly. All of this came about because the friend said she didn't know her partner was diabetic. The friend is in the relationship and the partner may or may not trust the friend with their very personal information.

I never knew my father had a plate in his head until he was really sick. My parents didn't think it was our business. Families are notorious for not sharing medical history even after the person has died.

In this situation the friend and the partner are the ones who have to trust each other. I swear if friends would simply mind their own business a lot of relationships would survive. I have a neighbor across the street who is all involved in another neighbors relationship. The girlfriend cries on her should and the boyfriend is sleeping with the neighbor every chance they get. She gives advice to one and provides sexual favors to the other. The couple moved and now none of them talks to my neighbor. Never involve yourself in other peoples relationships. Backfires every time.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-07-02 10:23:18 -0500 Report

In my opinion your friends relationship is none of your business. If he is HIV positive and she still loves him, that is her choice. She may know what he has and she chooses to keep him.

Her partner is not obligated to tell you anything and they both knew about your diabetes because you told them. You have no idea the depth of their relationship. Some people do not reveal information until they are sure of the relationship.

You have absolutely nothing to do with what the partner is hiding from your friend. Even if they both have an STD or one of them does, they are not going to put that out on the airwaves because it is their business not yours. I would mind my own business and keep my mouth shut. Even friends will only tell you what they want you to know and even friends don't like it if you meddle into their personal and very private business.

Do you see what you are asking? Again this is none of your buisness It is up to your friend to trust the partner. Not you because you are absolutely nothing to the partner. The partner is not in a relationship with you and may not really care for you.

The best thing for you to do is to mind your own business, take care of what ever relationship you may be in because the minute you open your mouth you are going to lose a friend. Keep your mouth closed and your suspicion to yourself and just be there for the friend if you are needed. This is why I don't have a lot of female friends. They are too darn nosy and always wants to be in my business. When that happens I have to tell them to mind their business and get rid of them. Take care of your life and get out of your friends.Remember the words to a very old soul song. "It takes 6 months to mind your own business and 6 months to leave mine alone".

Chevy Vega
Chevy Vega 2014-07-03 08:01:59 -0500 Report

Yes, but the key here is, her friend shared the information with her, which invites two-way exchanges of conversation. Our friend wasn't being nosy. She was invited to participate.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-07-03 10:24:17 -0500 Report

She wasn't asked to participate in wondering if he should be trusted. Chevy if a friend came to you and said "my husband gave me an STD. He cheated on me. Should I leave him?" What would you say to her? If it were me I would commiserate with her and tell her how bad I feel for her and that I will go to the clinic or doctors with her but as far as responding to what she should do about the cheating, I would stay out of it. I would tell her to think about what she wants to do and then take steps to fix the problem. That ball stays on her side of the net, not mine. So if you tell her to leave him and she she takes your advice then realizes they could more than likely fix the problems. She is going to hate your guts when it is all over. This is why I NEVER give advice when it comes to relationships because NOT one of us knows what is going on behind closed doors and you the listener is only getting one side of the problem.

jayabee52 2014-07-02 09:00:17 -0500 Report

Howdy zinga
People can have unusual ideas about their health situation. For whatever reason they like to keep their health matters personal and private. They would never, for instance come on a website like DC and participate in some rather private discussions about one's health. They would not wish for others to know that they might have a disease for with they might have offspring which are not perfect.

You do bring up an important issue when you hint that he may have a STD. That is an important reason to hold off sexual intercourse until the Dr clears both partners from having a STD.

If in other ways he is a "keeper" as long as he is STD free, it would not be a sign to run the other way IMO.

God's best to you
James Baker