HELP...Please be honest, honesty is the only thing that will help me make a clear decision...

Anonymous
By Anonymous Latest Reply 2014-06-26 09:39:59 -0500
Started 2014-06-22 10:21:01 -0500

I know this following post may seem offensive to individuals living with diabetes. I am in no way trying to offend anyone, my father has type II and my grandfather passed away from type II because there was little research on how to manage it back then. I love my father dearly, never got to meet my grandfather… I may even be at risk for getting it later in my life, so I don't mean anything harmful about this post. But I am so confused right now because I met a guy with diabetes type I and I don't know if I should continue with the relationship. He is a great guy and cares about me a great deal. I like him a lot but I am seriously considering breaking up with him because I am not sure what specific future implications diabetes will have on our future family's relationship. I know that if I married someone and then found out that he had diabetes later on I would NEVER end my marriage because of it, but I am thinking if I haven't committed myself to him yet…should I consider ending the relationship.

I'd like to hear from those either in relationships, or married and both from those who have it or are married/relationship with some that has it. Please don't take offense to this question, I am just trying to be responsible for myself, my boyfriend (because I know he needs someone supportive), and my future children.


19 replies

kindlekm
kindlekm 2014-06-26 09:39:59 -0500 Report

In addition to what everyone else has to say remember that type 1 is very different from type 2 and that him dealing with it over time is going to be very different from how your father and grandfather dealt with and each come with their own challenges

samhins
samhins 2014-06-24 15:37:50 -0500 Report

Hi there.

I can understand your reservations, I'm the one with diabetes and I often wonder how it affects my boyfriend. I would say just go with the flow for now, and remember there is a big difference between t1 and t2, and also a big difference between different diabetics. Don't let the diabetes rule your lives, your bf wouldn't want that I'm sure.

If he is happy to talk about it then ask him questions, what his symptoms are, what he wants you to do if something goes wrong etc. Presuming he can look after himself, he probably won't want you thinking he needs looking after. I certainly don't want to think of my bf as someone I need to look after me.

You need to keep reminding yourself that diabetes doesn't have to ruin your life. To be honest though if you can't get on board with the possibility of the odd bad day, then you need to discuss this properly with him before you stress yourself out too much. Good luck!

Jeanette Terry
Jeanette TerryPA 2014-06-24 14:19:19 -0500 Report

Diabetes should never stand in anyone's way of doing what they want in life. So if you care about this person you shouldn't let diabetes be the reason you end the relationship. I have type 1 and before I married my husband, he learned everything he could about diabetes so that he could help me have good control. Since you care about this guy you should take some time and get educated about the disease. It doesn't have to be a strain on any relationship unless you let it. If you jump on board now, he will see that you really care and that can go a long way for your future.

notawittykitty
notawittykitty 2014-06-24 01:09:25 -0500 Report

Do you really love him? That is the first question…I would ask you. The second, what if you got diabetes? What would you do then? What are you truly scared of? It couldn't be the fact that he is a Type1 because you have admitted to knowing what diabetes is since your dad and grandfather had it. It is likely that people will take offense to what you are saying because the fact is that we are dealing with diabetes. I am very lucky to be married to a strong man who truly has shown his love for me in more ways than I can ever start counting. The one thing he is does for me is restores my faith in myself and gives me laughter. He makes me smile and I know he's there for me and will not turn his back on me. Are you there for your b/f? All the things you want us to tell you is not for us to tell you. It's for you to decide how to live your life. You have already seen what it can do…but are you sure you will never get it? Are you taking precautions and eating correctly are you taking care of your health? If you are, that is in your favor to do the same for this man you are with now - why? It means that you could survive all of this and make a go of it. Think, think hard…this is obviously not going to work out if he IS NOT THE ONE THAT ROCKS YOUR BOAT…SOMEONE THAT YOU WANT TO MARRY. Because none of these thoughts would have entered your mind, right? You can't be that cold hearted, can you? Just like you don't want to offend us, I don't want to offend you, but you need to know the way most people will think. Discuss this matter with him and find out how he feels about the way you think. Is there nothing you can do? Have you done it all…think and most of all feel. Luck to you and your decisions…just remember we are here to SUPPORT one another, what are you there for? As it was stated by someone else…things happen in life…will you let this young man go because of this and have something worse come your way later? Think and do what is right for yourself because we are not in your situation and because of what we deal with on an every day basis, we have abundance of love from all types of people and if you can't do that…well, you know what your answer would be, don't you?

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-06-22 21:47:36 -0500 Report

You want honesty here it is. The great Type 1 guy who really cares about you deserves someone better than you. Let him go so he can find someone who will love him for who he is regardless of him being diabetic.

He didn't choose to be diabetic. It happened to him. I think the best thing for you to do is to decided to be alone for the rest of your life because everyone deserves someone who loves them for who they are. You at this point are incapable of that.

Suppose you meet someone and marries him and he learns he has cancer, you could marry someone who could have a heat attack, he could have an accident that could leave him a quadriplegic or paraplegic. If this is how you feel about a person with Type1, odds are you will leave a man who loves you if he becomes ill.

Put yourself in his position. Suppose it was you with any disease and he learns you have this disease and leaves you? How would you feel? In case you never noticed, the world does not revolve around you. I really can't believe that you are so selfish that you would hurt someone who really cares about you. Hopefully, you will be nice about leaving him. It will hurt him but that is okay you only care about your own selfish needs.

jayabee52
jayabee52 2014-06-22 18:14:15 -0500 Report

Anon,
Do him a favor and break up with him.

You say "I haven't committed myself to him yet" because then he CAN find someone who will commit to him AS HE IS, warts, diseases and all. If you can find it in your heart to commit to him then take the plunge.

My first wife divorced me for many reasons, one of which was my diabetes, but my diabetes was not the deciding factor in the divorce. I developed Typs 2 in 1995 and was divorced in 2002. I then found a lady on a website (actually she found me) and we developed a long distance relationship. I loved her so much that I moved to where she was and married her. If I had considered the fact that she was blind and had lupis (SLE) I really should have run the other way, because our relationship was extremely short. (met online in 11/2007 and she passed in 07/2010) But what a relationship I would have missed!

Now I am a glutton for punishment and pursuing a lady from this website and plan to move in together sometime next year. She is not scared that I will die quickly due to my need for dialysis. Life happens and whatever happens is just OK with us.

However unless you change your attitude toward him, do yourselves both a favor and break up with him. And I don't say this to be mean, you may need to do a bit of growing up before you marry anyone.

Praying for your best
James Baker

haoleboy
haoleboy 2014-06-22 16:23:51 -0500 Report

here you go … sugar coating removed (please don't be offended)

Do the responsible thing … DO NOT CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP!

This "great guy" you met that "cares about you a great deal" deserves better.

If you think you are going to find any guarantees for happiness or a successful relationship (or indeed in life)… the you aren't ready for a relationship.

Life is a crap shoot, and for me, that is part of the appeal.

a parable from the movie Parenthood:
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

namaste
-Steve

Nick1962
Nick1962 2014-06-22 16:00:08 -0500 Report

Personally, you’re taking a risk with any human being and diabetes shouldn’t be a deal breaker if he’s the type of guy who does well managing it on his own like Richard here
http://www.diabeticconnect.com/diabetes-discu...
As someone with an “ex” myself, I can tell you it wasn’t any physical issue or illness that ended our marriage, and (you wanted honesty) the fact that you’re even asking the question leads me to believe you’re not quite ready for a long term relationship. That was certainly one of several issues for me.

Life takes lots of twists and turns. You can worry about where you’ll end up now, and try to “bail” before the accident, or go along for the ride and at least help navigate when things get rough. Between my current wife and I we have a long list of physical (as well as some emotional) “deficiencies” (that you’ll develop as time goes on yourself) and we still love each other despite the needles, rashes, scars, medications and gadgets we wear. Diabetes shouldn’t be an issue on the table – just sayin’.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-06-22 21:55:05 -0500 Report

Excellent post Nick. I don't think this person is mature enough to be in a relationship. I think she has to grow up. There are no guarantees that anyone you meet is going to have perfect health forever. Until she realizes the world does not revolve around her and grow up, she may end up spending the rest of her life alone. He deserves better than her and would more than likely love and appreciate a woman who loves him for him. He needs to run from her and not look back.

Nick1962
Nick1962 2014-06-23 08:18:02 -0500 Report

I think I would put this under the category of “baggage” which is something we all come with at any age, and it only accumulates over time. The baggage me and my ex had just wasn’t going to work no matter how much we tried, and we did try.
When I look at all the baggage and issues me and wife #2 carry, both existing and new, both mental and physical, I still consider myself extremely lucky. Our world isn’t perfect by any means, but it seems like we always have those tiny moments that make it all worth it.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2014-06-23 08:37:47 -0500 Report

Nick I have seen so many relationships fail because of baggage. Men and women seem to not let go of what happened in past relationships.

You can't bring all of your baggage into a new relationship. I met a really nice guy but he had too many problems for me. I stopped dealing with him. I couldn't take the baby mama drama or the ex wife drama. It wasn't my problem and it was not going to become my problem.

I have a friend who met and married one of the nicest men I have ever met. He was a true gentleman. He had health problems but they loved each other so much it was almost a fairy tale. The had two beautiful years together. On the morning of their 2nd Wedding Anniversary she woke up because she felt cold even though she slept in his arms. He died in the middle of the night. She found a jewelry box on her pillow with a diamond necklace and earrings and rose petals leading fromt the bed to the shower. He had put a huge gift basket with all of her favorite products and a new car in the driveway. He had parked it in their neighbors yard. When she went to sleep he parked it in their driveway with a bow on top. This man loved her and she was married to a very abusive man.

Shortly after her husband died, her youngest son who was born with kidney problems died. He was on the transplant list and the morning of his surgery a little girl was near death and he gave the kidney to her. He had nurse write her a letter explaining why he did what he did and told her the little girl had her whole life ahead of her. He donated his organs to others.

Today she is happy for what she had in her second husband. They knew he may not live another 5 years but she wasn't going to take the chance of not having him in her life.

You have to take the good with the bad provided that bad is not worse than the good.

Anonymous
Anonymous 2014-06-22 18:37:58 -0500 Report

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Nick1962
Nick1962 2014-06-22 19:49:13 -0500 Report

I’ve made the assumption you’re under 30 – correct me if I’m wrong. Most women over that age wouldn’t typically think twice about this, in fact they’d consider themselves lucky Type 1 was all they had to deal with in a partner. I do applaud your motives though, and signing on with us here goes a long way in my mind that at least you’re looking into commitment. I’ll also assume from your succinct postings and good grammar you’re a well-educated person, so you’ll understand what we’ve been offering.

His condition and how he manages it will determine your future life. If you see him taking it lightly now, that’s not likely to improve until something drastic happens. If that’s the case, it’s not the type 1 that’s the problem, it’s him. Diabetics now live long, happy, and productive lives. Or at least I should say those who care about themselves and their loved ones. What your grandfather (and father) suffered through just isn’t an issue these days with all that medical science has brought us.

If I read between the lines, I worry that the real question is how his type 1 will affect YOU and YOUR agenda, and possibly stand in the way of your idyllic future. No doubt at some time it will, but that’s pretty much life and far worse could be waiting for you. Again, if he’s managing well on his own, it won’t be your problem.

I have a T1 acquaintance (about 28 years old) who is, in my eyes, is a rock star when it comes to her condition. Her new husband (well, after 3 years now not so new) worries about her, as he should, but she gave him pretty specific “duties” which he gratefully accepted as part of the deal. What’s involved? Well, for him it means first knowing how to spot issues like hypoglycemia in her and knowing how to treat it (which he’s never had to do so far). He has to be aware they can’t just stop for foods or ice cream on a whim without knowing what her insulin supply is like, and that when he cooks they have to be reasonably healthy meals and not loaded with junk food and carbs. There’s a whole list of things, which again, he gratefully accepts without question, which makes him worthy of her.

End of the day – I have friends who got married, one spouse lost a job, became depressed, started drinking, and within two years and one women’s shelter visit got divorced. Another couple ended up getting so overweight they can’t go on a vacation unless by car because they (and their kids) no longer fit in an airline seat. I won’t go on, you get the picture – life happens and as Steve said, pretty much a crap shoot.

Once again, I’ll say I’m impressed you’re even looking into this, and maybe this is the straight talk that might change things for you – hope so and best wishes it does.

Nick1962
Nick1962 2014-06-24 12:36:05 -0500 Report

Since I don’t know your real name, I’ll just call you “Anny” (short for anonymous?)
You know, I think you’re smarter than you realize, and it sure shows in your well thought out posts and responses. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have some very first-hand and personal experience with just this situation, and if you want to talk further we can do it on the side because I don’t want to broadcast details of other’s problems.

I think your question is a very valid one at your age, and while some may find it a selfish one, I think it shows some planning on your part. Like anyone, you want to have the best life possible, and you probably have some idea what direction you want it to take – career, family, living situation etc. Nice thing is, you don’t have a lot of existing baggage those of us older folks have accumulated, but you also want to be sure you don’t accumulate it unnecessarily or wind up in a relationship you’ll want out of. I think that’s fair. I also think you want to avoid ruining someone else’s life with your potential misery.

T1 diabetes is one of those borderline things. Yes, a T1 can’t be a perfect specimen in management and life will be rosy, but I know from experience, the opposite can be true as well. Yes, their care and feeding takes a little extra, but again, if it’s the right person, the burden will rarely affect you. I think I’d start by making a 10 year goal scenario – not lifetime because most often we have to adapt as we go along these days. What do you want out of the next 10 years (it is your life too)? Will he fit into those plans? Would he need to “keep up” or would you end up being a “mother” to him? Or, would he be the one encouraging and cheering you on?

Inevitably (as you’ve seen as a therapist) we each end up with some disability, some more serious than others. If he’s not taking his diagnosis seriously, it’s a pretty good bet that he’s in for something pretty early. That’s a personality trait as you’ve pointed out, and frankly as much sympathy as I can muster, it still won’t let me live with someone with that attitude. They don’t care about themselves, they can’t care about you. Obviously this can be said about anyone or any condition.

I think you just need to invest some more time here, both in him and yourself. You’ve already shown some of that growth here.

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