very seriouis news way off topic but i thougfh youall wantto know

By vrswesley Latest Reply 2014-05-17 10:27:01 -0500
Started 2014-05-10 01:41:51 -0500

I found out recently thati hacve a desease called Pulmonary Hypertension,which id rare, progressive and fatal.

I need to talk ..I need to say I have decided, after careful thought on this… that after I talked to my PH doc, my second opinion.. I have prayed about this..and all.. I am not going to take treatment…and when its time…I’m going to go into hospice care in my home.
This wasn't an easy decision but ..I feel comfortable with it.
I’m being honest here..taking treatment isn’t the right thing for me..

I know this is hard to hear-I am sorry. Hope all can respect me on this.

I’ve been thinking about it for a while…recently I realized I had made my decision and was just pretending I hadn’t-I knew what I wanted to do.. talked to God.. thought some more, ck and re-ck…but I really do know where I stand ..

I have so many chronic sickness, I’m done, I don’t want to fight one that IS going to kill me eventually anyway. I feel its time to go Home…Dan is there ..yes, I do know I'm still grieving. But I’m going to be grieving for along time…if I change my mind..I do something different.

I’ve spent yrs watching what the medical community can do for you. I watched Dan's health decline. I’m in no way saying its all bad or good and I'm very grateful for the time I was given with him…but his last 4 months were hell for both of us. I never want to do that again. These last 3 yrs have left me extremely traumatized. I've also developed a serious hospital/ER phobia, and I don’t ever want to go through all that again. I am not willing spend an over night in the hospital, ever. The older and longer I live with all these illnesses..the harder that will be to avoid.

I’ve had like 5 new possible diagnosis' in just the last 2 months, too many. 4 are now diffinant.

I have 22 chronic illnesses ranging from serious to not, right now, all treatable but how long? (plus-on top of that- 22 allergies)..none curable..Some aren’t serious but are just very annoying…like the drip of a water facet. I have a lot of physical pain. And yes, emotional pain. I’m obviously thinking about quality of life here too.

And, while maybe I shouldn’t consider this- the constant economic fight for survival -I admit it does come in to my thoughts too. I’m sorry, Washington DC has not made my life any easier. (anybody who knows my political views knows my feelings there.)

None of this is easy..I didn’t chose to get sick but I am so I'm going with it.

To be honest- at this point- may sound crazy- may change- I’m excited! wild huh!?

I just see it as going to the next thing..the next phase…plus I get to see my very beloved husband!

It is weird to think that all my stuff stays here : ) lol! Just hard concept for a human mortal.

I'll miss my friends here.. but most will follow when its time…I'm really not that upset.. I get more upset when someone says they think I should stay or they are praying for a cure(live on earth) etc. wish they wouldn’t.

Admit I’ve fought with the desire to die most of my life.. but I didn’t really want to.. at this point.. to be with Dan again..I honestly see a nasty disease as a gift. Now the process that concerns me.. knowing some of me friends -according to my beliefs-wont be following…that I really don’t like and I don’t know if we will miss people in Heaven, but if we do, I will.

Its not like I have no fear.. but… I trust whats/whos ahead…I struggle with my faith but still know where I’m going… I do want to thankyou all for your support.. so grateful, so grateful. ..and I expect to need help with the process of dieing-if your able..if not I understand-thats a tough one.

I’m just tired of all the crap and pain and everything.. and Dan is waiting for me.. I just want to go home. To be with him in a house in the country on a farm..with lots of kittys and puppys…with a big kitchen for him to cook. Don’t know if thats how it will be but I can dream..all I’m sure of it will be better than here.

In the last 3 yrs and even before that I’ve lived through alot of hell. My childhood was horrible. I did get my life back, my marriage, which in my opinion isn’t over..even if hes in Heaven… is wonderful…I cant wait to join him again… I’ve tried to restart my life..but then a few months ago I got these new symptoms…now this diagnosis… I think its time.

The time while he was in the hospital, 1 1/2 yrs, I was there virtually everyday-was so traumatic for us both..ended with me turning off his life support and holding his hand and watching him go to Heaven. That was 14 months ago. I will not spend another night in the hospital! Ever! Dan always said.."there are worse things than death-we both know that" I am just following that thought.

And doing what I need to know as far as being with Dan as he was in the hospital and then dieing..while I know now not everybody could/would do it…all I know is I couldn’t have been anyplace else.. needed to be at his side.. I love that man so much..will forever… I admit helping him die.. was hell…tore my heart out…my heart went with him.

I am good with this decison. Please, I know you cant be happy, but respect this choice and help me live whatever time I have left here the best I can…with my babies.

I believe I have the easier job, you have the harder one, staying here, I really believe that. Ive been on that side twice. Its horrible, very difficult.

Untreated patients have a median survival of 2.5 yr. Cause of death is usually sudden death in the context of right ventricular failure." merck web site

Also, of my stuff…tell me if there is anything you might want..I might put your name on it for later.. this maybe the ultimate in me being a control freak..I just want to make it as easy as possible for my friends who will have the job of cleaning up after me.

I love you all


20 replies

vrswesley 2014-05-17 10:04:18 -0500 Report

I realized something very obvious today. It doesnt change my decsion, but I have to talk about it anyway. I realized, along with you all, Im also greiveing my death… Im having nightmares…last night I lost toki (in my dream)my service dog, it was my fault, but he found me at the end and I hugged him so much! I do wake up with a feeling of dread.. everyday, this isnt easy. that all i m saying.

jayabee52 2014-05-17 10:27:01 -0500 Report

Will be praying for God's peace which passes all human understanding to be with you and support you.


artqween 2014-05-15 22:32:56 -0500 Report

Hey vrswesley, not taking med.s might do more harm than good possibly? Is there a reason u were taking med.s??
Good luck.. Never be alone with your condition / resources means quicker recovery… med.s, foods, family,… inner peace, family church, family dr,.

vrswesley 2014-05-15 22:44:51 -0500 Report

not sure what you mean? PH is fatal its either a slow death or a faster death..Im choosing a faster one.

artqween 2014-05-15 22:49:26 -0500 Report

U want to commit suicide?? :( how awful..
R u suffering that bad?? How dies ur family feel about that?? Hey btw.. Plez don't ??

jayabee52 2014-05-15 23:04:44 -0500 Report

That is NOT suicide. It is allowing the natural course of the disease to take its toll. I also had thought of stopping my dialysis treatments back in 2007. I would not have committed suicide but would have merely allowed my malfunctioning kidneys to poison me.

However, I chose life since I felt I would have been giving my 3 sons the wrong example of how to deal with life when I was going through a tough time!

Also Vi does not have a family. Her husband has recently died (of cancer, I believe) and have no offspring.

vrswesley 2014-05-16 15:22:19 -0500 Report

thankyou jay, this is not suicide this is a natural death ..Im just not choosing to take treatment. my statent above explains a majority of the reasons. I ,as said have 44 things wrong with me from small things to major things.. I hate (phobic reaction ) to hospitals.. this protects me from that.. I plan to eventually have hospice come to my home. People are not required to take treatment if they dont want to.. I am of sounld alone, mostly take care of myself..have some help but all my docs agree Im able to make my own health descions. that is what Im doing. do you understand at all? Im tired..Ive fought for live and been sick for years..Im done. Last year I watch my husband die a horrible death in a hospital were he didnt want to be..he wanted despretly to be home-I couldnt give that to him…I sat with him all the way though it…with him ..we went through it together…my point is I went through that once i want my death to be my way not someone elses way..I hate that I could give that to dan…but I can have it. I know He agrees. Im just going Home to Dan and God.

jay my husband died off many things..its complicated..but no cancer wasnt one of them :) but thankyou for you understand and help..Im under enougfh stress right now.Im sick.. and trying to come to terms with all the ramification of my desicions..Im ok with it but its far from easy.

SeaBeagle 2014-05-11 22:19:11 -0500 Report

Violet. I have only been on this site for a couple of weeks. Found out I was diabetic on April 18th. All I can say is I have a huge amount of respect for u. I am sorry that the ED did not give u good care. I have been ED nurse for years!! Love my patients. But here nor there. I want to just say good for u for making ur decision. Give that man of ur a big kiss an hug him right and never let him go. Dream big about ur farm. With a huge kitchen and stainless appliance so u can have ur first romantic meal. I support u!! You are an amazing person!!! Take care and embrace and enjoy ur time. God will be with u on your journey!! Mary

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2014-05-11 09:23:02 -0500 Report

Hi Violet,

Thanks for sharing this with us. It's a very big decision, and one that so many people avoid talking about, and avoid making. We don't have control over everything in life, but there are some things we do have control of.


TopazDee 2014-05-11 05:55:09 -0500 Report

Dear Violet I admire you for not only the dission you have made but the way you have thought everything out, no-one should ever belittle you for that and yes I know your Dan will be waiting when your Guardian Angel takes you across it is a beautiful place I meditate so deep that I can cross over and talk to those in heaven that I love most.
I asked to talk to your Dan when I first read this hence my delay in posting my reply to you, so I can give you his love and his message not to do anything silly but let nature take it's course, be brave and stick to what you want to do not what others may think is right for you, turn to God when in doubt and that he will be waiting for you.
I am always here for you my friend the miles may divide us but the internet or telephone keeps us in touch should you need me, just say and I will give you my info.
May God watch over you.
May you walk with Love and Light as your constant companions. Topaz xxxx

vrswesley 2014-05-11 13:59:03 -0500 Report

dont think I even need to know-I talk to him all the time-he has told me to come, God told me to come , my doc tried to argue with me-there are treatments..but im not taking them ..she told me Dan would want you to stay-I got mad-no one on this earth knows Dan like I do -he wouldnt say that! but Im going…the process does scare me getting there..not so much.

wraithmb 2014-05-10 16:37:47 -0500 Report

Not an easy choice for anyone to make, but I respect and understand the decision. I also admire your strength and determination in doing the right thing for you. In my eyes, you are an inspiration to us all. God bless!

tommy123400 2014-05-10 15:10:08 -0500 Report

Violet,I too am going through what you have decided..I have terminal cancer and have been taking treatments for 2 years now. When you decide enough is enough, no one should even have any detrimental thoughts about. Keep your faith and you will see your husband again as i will see my 4 sons. I feel no fear of death because that is part of life. I think the fear is of the unknown, but if you have faith, all will be well. I salute you in your decision. If you ever need someone to talk to, contact me. God Bless

jayabee52 2014-05-10 12:43:52 -0500 Report

Howdy Vi

I certainly respect your wishes in this matter. I hear you on not wishing to be in a hospital again.

My beloved wife Jem spent a lot of time in hospitals and I was glad that she was at home when she went to heaven. My MIL. (Jem's mother), had in home hospice before she died and the nurses who provided hospice care were some of the most wonderful people.

I commend you to the tender mercies of our God and Great Physician.


kimfing 2014-05-10 10:15:14 -0500 Report

Wow sounds like a tough but easy decision u had to make. Im here for u on earth,dan is waiting for u in heaven watching over u. God bless. Glad u are comfortable with ur decision and don't have to struggle w it with what time u have left on this earth.

God bless and have peace


harry1 2014-05-10 10:00:47 -0500 Report

May God be with you through your journey. This is your choice and no one should post anything negative about it. What you said is remarkable for which I do adore you for. Harry

vrswesley 2014-05-10 10:51:17 -0500 Report

thankyou harry, I wish youd be right ..and maybe here nobody will, but this is the internet..there is always sombody..somwhere its just the nature of the beast…I know that.

MicNeil 2014-05-10 02:39:15 -0500 Report

Sounds like you've given this alot of thought. We are all given our experiences for a reason. Keep talking with God. He will guide you right. IMO hospice workers are some of the greatest people I've ever know and will be a comfort if that is the path you decide is right for you. If you need another ear, just email me small

vrswesley 2014-05-10 02:41:51 -0500 Report

thankyou..Im not expecting to change my mind..Im pretty settled.. but a listening eare is allways nice ..thankyou.