I found out recently thati hacve a desease called Pulmonary Hypertension,which id rare, progressive and fatal.
I need to talk ..I need to say I have decided, after careful thought on this… that after I talked to my PH doc, my second opinion.. I have prayed about this..and all.. I am not going to take treatment…and when its time…I’m going to go into hospice care in my home.
This wasn't an easy decision but ..I feel comfortable with it.
I’m being honest here..taking treatment isn’t the right thing for me..
I know this is hard to hear-I am sorry. Hope all can respect me on this.
I’ve been thinking about it for a while…recently I realized I had made my decision and was just pretending I hadn’t-I knew what I wanted to do.. talked to God.. thought some more, ck and re-ck…but I really do know where I stand ..
I have so many chronic sickness, I’m done, I don’t want to fight one that IS going to kill me eventually anyway. I feel its time to go Home…Dan is there ..yes, I do know I'm still grieving. But I’m going to be grieving for along time…if I change my mind..I do something different.
I’ve spent yrs watching what the medical community can do for you. I watched Dan's health decline. I’m in no way saying its all bad or good and I'm very grateful for the time I was given with him…but his last 4 months were hell for both of us. I never want to do that again. These last 3 yrs have left me extremely traumatized. I've also developed a serious hospital/ER phobia, and I don’t ever want to go through all that again. I am not willing spend an over night in the hospital, ever. The older and longer I live with all these illnesses..the harder that will be to avoid.
I’ve had like 5 new possible diagnosis' in just the last 2 months, too many. 4 are now diffinant.
I have 22 chronic illnesses ranging from serious to not, right now, all treatable but how long? (plus-on top of that- 22 allergies)..none curable..Some aren’t serious but are just very annoying…like the drip of a water facet. I have a lot of physical pain. And yes, emotional pain. I’m obviously thinking about quality of life here too.
And, while maybe I shouldn’t consider this- the constant economic fight for survival -I admit it does come in to my thoughts too. I’m sorry, Washington DC has not made my life any easier. (anybody who knows my political views knows my feelings there.)
None of this is easy..I didn’t chose to get sick but I am so I'm going with it.
To be honest- at this point- may sound crazy- may change- I’m excited! wild huh!?
I just see it as going to the next thing..the next phase…plus I get to see my very beloved husband!
It is weird to think that all my stuff stays here : ) lol! Just hard concept for a human mortal.
I'll miss my friends here.. but most will follow when its time…I'm really not that upset.. I get more upset when someone says they think I should stay or they are praying for a cure(live on earth) etc. wish they wouldn’t.
Admit I’ve fought with the desire to die most of my life.. but I didn’t really want to.. at this point.. to be with Dan again..I honestly see a nasty disease as a gift. Now the process that concerns me.. knowing some of me friends -according to my beliefs-wont be following…that I really don’t like and I don’t know if we will miss people in Heaven, but if we do, I will.
Its not like I have no fear.. but… I trust whats/whos ahead…I struggle with my faith but still know where I’m going… I do want to thankyou all for your support.. so grateful, so grateful. ..and I expect to need help with the process of dieing-if your able..if not I understand-thats a tough one.
I’m just tired of all the crap and pain and everything.. and Dan is waiting for me.. I just want to go home. To be with him in a house in the country on a farm..with lots of kittys and puppys…with a big kitchen for him to cook. Don’t know if thats how it will be but I can dream..all I’m sure of it will be better than here.
In the last 3 yrs and even before that I’ve lived through alot of hell. My childhood was horrible. I did get my life back, my marriage, which in my opinion isn’t over..even if hes in Heaven… is wonderful…I cant wait to join him again… I’ve tried to restart my life..but then a few months ago I got these new symptoms…now this diagnosis… I think its time.
The time while he was in the hospital, 1 1/2 yrs, I was there virtually everyday-was so traumatic for us both..ended with me turning off his life support and holding his hand and watching him go to Heaven. That was 14 months ago. I will not spend another night in the hospital! Ever! Dan always said.."there are worse things than death-we both know that" ..now I am just following that thought.
And doing what I need to do..you know as far as being with Dan as he was in the hospital and then dieing..while I know now not everybody could/would do it…all I know is I couldn’t have been anyplace else.. needed to be at his side.. I love that man so much..will forever… I admit helping him die.. was hell…tore my heart out…my heart went with him.
I am good with this decison. Please, I know you cant be happy, but respect this choice and help me live whatever time I have left here the best I can…with my babies.
I believe I have the easier job, you have the harder one, staying here, I really believe that. Ive been on that side twice. Its horrible, very difficult.
Untreated patients have a median survival of 2.5 yr. Cause of death is usually sudden death in the context of right ventricular failure." merck web site
Also, of my stuff…tell me if there is anything you might want..I might put your name on it for later.. this maybe the ultimate in me being a control freak..I just want to make it as easy as possible for my friends who will have the job of cleaning up after me.
I love you all
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