Tired of living, scared of dying

Robert C. H.
By Robert C. H. Latest Reply 2010-08-28 09:13:53 -0500
Started 2009-01-27 09:36:17 -0600

I have been going throuhh my own personal hell,I have many other ailments besides diabetes type2, and one of those ailments has sidetracked my whole life. I have been having Panic attacks,and they are controlling my whole life right now, the Doctor has taken me off insulinBecause these attacks don't allow me to administer the shots a a regular basis,These attacks knock me out,I had one Sat. at 10 am.After it was over I slept till 8pm, I got up used the bathroom and was back in bed by 8;15 and slept till 8;30 am . I don't eat properly, I don't take my meds as scheduled. I have an Ileostomy,that is a bag for fecal matter,The other morning I woke up and felt wetness around my bag, which normally I would jump out of bed, clean up and change the bag, I had an attack, and couldn't move and just sat there while my bag emptied all over me the bed and the floor.It was discusting,and I felt so helpless, then totally discusted.I managed to clean the whole mess up, But I had visions of myself sitting in a wheelchair strapped in with fecal matter running down my legs,and I was singing TIRED OF LIVING, But Scared of Dying. and said no that is not how my life shall end. I am going to the Doctor today to see if they can adjust my dosage for these attacks, hopefully they can do something to inprove my quality of life.

29 replies

newbie51 2010-08-28 09:13:53 -0500 Report

I know what you are going through with the panic attacks. I have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and am on Vistril and that helps. I take 100 mg of the generic Hydroxizine at bedtime and they really help. I also have BiPolar Disorder and other illnesses as well. You have the right attitude now. I have changed my attitude and now I am doing better. Good Luck with things!!

2009-02-03 06:48:54 -0600 Report

This is so upsetting, I so understand where you are coming from. I am 56 now and have been taking antidepressant; anti=anxiety; meds for moodswings (bipolar disease) and lots more for over 30 years. I just found the right combination about 2 years ago, and now, I am housebound for other health issues.
I had stopped driving for 13 years because I had a new baby girl, and was petrified of taking her out in the car.

Since age 30 to date, I have had at least 11 major surgeries. I had an illeostomy bad and catheter for 2 years. And had some very embarassing moments. Once was right at a cash register, where I just stood there and froze as the contents spilled out over my feet and onto the floor.

I have had 3 operations related to pacemaker problems alone.

Not to mention the muscular disease and the pain I am dealing with now.

About two weeks ago, I felt like giving up, and between my husband and the support I have here, I just could not give up.

I can not do that to the people I love.
Can't your doctor put you on a machine that attaches to your body and administrates medications at appropriate times.

I know the depression and the hours and hours of sleep,too. But my body always tells me when I have missed a dose of psychs, within two hours. I can feel it.
And it is like an alarm clock that won't shot off until you (deal) shut it off.
Meaning until I take my meds.

I have been hospitalized more than a third of my life, just for psychological
problems and med changes. Just ask your doctor to add something; sometimes it takes a combination. If you want to know what I do suggest, you can email me from my profile page. I also have some I do not suggest; having tried just about everything out there, and for the unique situation we share.

If I can help, ask, but don't give up.
I was going too, but I have not yet. If it wasn't for the support from my husband (and help) and all my friends here; I well might have given up.

Robert C. H.
Robert C. H. 2009-02-03 15:50:58 -0600 Report

Dear Claudia, Thanks so much,and yes I will look you up on your face page, It sounds like we have an awful lot in common, and I think it would help to talk to someone that has a lot of the same problems, Most people can't relate.Will talk to you soon maybe tonight, as it is time to make dinnerThanks Robert

2009-02-03 16:33:45 -0600 Report

your welcome, Robert. Of course you can talk to me. And if you need someone to talk to, depending on where you are, or if you have a sprint cell phone. I can call you; email me about this.


rbergman 2009-02-02 20:38:24 -0600 Report

My father always used to say "Any day above ground is a good day, it just depends on what you do with it that turns it into a bad one" He had a heart attack at age 43 due to an on the job incident with carbon monoxide poisoning. When his co-workers got him to the hospital they gave him a drug that caused another heart attack that he clinically was dead from for more than 2 min. after all of that he came out just as he was before with the exception they diagnosed him with Type2 Diabetes while in the hospital, and he would still use that quote after all of that. Eventually he had to have a 5 way by-pass, and developed congestive heart failure and was put on a transplant list, however his other organs began failing before he ever got high enough on the transplant list, once he did they said it was too late because his other organs were too far gone and the heart wouldn't bring them back to full function…and still he used that quote, at age 56 he had a stroke and lost the use of one side of his body, even though his mouth drooped on that side he would still use that quote…after a second stroke, 2 wks before our daughter was born they said he had to go into a nursing home because my mother could not afford a live in nurse while she still worked and the insurance wouldn't cover one anyway…he faded fast after that and was put in the wing of the hospital for those about to die, the terminal wing they called it, our daughter was born July 23 with complications of her own and so they never got to meet in person before he passed away, we did take pictures of her to him and she was named after his mother (her great-grandmother), he'd lost the ability to speak but had had my mother write his favorite quote down on paper and when he saw the pictures of Laura and we told him her name and explained the problems she was having and why she couldn't come see him…he just held up that paper and tried to smile…after he passed we had that put on his headstone as well in hopes that others that may see it would stop and think about what it meant to them…so, to you I say…Any day above ground is a good day it just depends on what you do with it that turns it into a bad one…

Guardianstone 2010-08-27 20:06:26 -0500 Report

I am still fairly new here. I just found your reply and I want to thank you. I have been deeply depressed, and feeling sorry for myself. After reading this I felt like kicking myself for my "PLOM" (poor little ole me) syndrome.
Thank you

Guardian stone

Punkie200 2009-02-02 16:28:13 -0600 Report


I wish you the best of luck. I am glad you have a friend staying with you now. I will keep you in my prayers.

firefightermom 2009-02-02 20:13:52 -0600 Report

hey, did getting your meds straight help out? hope you are feeling much much better.Life is good and even if we have hard things to deal with we can still be a blessing to other people and sometimes we don't even know it when it happens. with love, be blessed!

shannonlynn 2009-01-28 19:18:17 -0600 Report

I will pray for you. I have an anxiety disorder and also my son. I use to take medication for mine and it seemed like the medication made my attacks worse. Everyday we have our up and downs where some days seem worse than others. Never give up on life. Through prayer miracles happen.

Robert C. H.
Robert C. H. 2009-01-28 10:42:51 -0600 Report

I thank you all for your wonderful caring responses, I went to the Doctor Yesterday aft, a friend took me, and we discovered that both my Doctor and my pharmacy had made mistakes on my Jan. prescriptions The doctor wrote 1 mg tablet 1/2 tablet three times a day {IT should have been 1mg tab three times a day]. The pharmacy gave me 0.5mg 1/2 tablet three times a day. So I was way under-dosed and they came back more frequent and I couldn't function very well hopefully now that I'm on the proper dose I will be able to functionagain I thank all of you for your love ,concern, and support. Robert

LadyDi - 26259Miller
LadyDi - 26259Miller 2009-01-28 11:21:54 -0600 Report

Thanks so much for your message, Robert. I truly hope you will now begin to feel much better. As I said to you, I know the doctors and pharmacists are going to occasionally err, but it really is so frightening when you think of what the outcome might be. Keep us posted!

firefightermom 2009-01-28 13:25:50 -0600 Report

hey, hope you are doing and feeling better. glad you got things straightened out.

jaclyncrystal 2009-01-28 17:10:32 -0600 Report

So glad that things got straighten out, that is one of my biggest fears that someone is going to mix something up and I will end up suffering the results. Hang in there Robert you have a lot of friends here. hugs jackie

caragypsy 2009-01-27 21:35:44 -0600 Report

Robert I have had Panic attacks off and on since I was young a lot of them very bad so I am so sorry you too have this terrible illness.
Do you know if you have Adult family Home's in Rhode Inland? They are so much better then going to a nursing home. I have lived in them for 9 years is I can not take care for myself.
Your friend Cara

2009-01-27 16:42:10 -0600 Report

Robert, my heart goes out to you. I am 43 years old and have had major panic attacks since i was 19 years old. I know how horrible these things are. I have taken Klonopin for 11 years and it works great for me. If Klonopin is not for you, there are other good medications. I did have to increase my dosage of Klonopin after I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I was having one attack after another. I'm doing okay with it again now. Your doctor can help and we need you here! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your friend, Angie

sparkysmom 2009-01-27 16:02:09 -0600 Report

We are here for you Sweetie. I will pray for you. Hope you feel better. Anytime you need to talk you can email me and I will send my phone number.

Robert C. H.
Robert C. H. 2009-02-02 14:01:00 -0600 Report

I thank you for your special interest,I think I have the problem solved at the moment But really appreciate your special offer, You are truly a friend,a special friend

2009-01-27 15:51:39 -0600 Report

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I suffer from panic attacks, but not as bad as yours. I am on meds that help. I hope the doctor can get you straightened up. I know it's hard to do, but try to keep your chin up. There is help out there for you.

LadyDi - 26259Miller
LadyDi - 26259Miller 2009-01-27 10:00:03 -0600 Report

This is so heartbreaking. I presume you are living alone, from what you've said. Do you think you need someone to come in and care for you, or do you possibly feel it's time to consider a nursing home? I'm wondering who is taking you to the doctor, as you really should have someone with you. There just has to be a way for you to have a better quality of life than this. If you have family - or even friends - who can and will help you get you to a better place, please let them know. Ask for help. I pray you will be very honest with your doctor and let him suggest where and how to get to this better place.

I know it is hard to pick yourself up when you get to these depths, but I pray that you will keep trying. That you will not give up. I had not seen you on here for a while and wondered where you had been. It's good to hear from you, but I am so sorry for all you're dealing with. You are in my prayers. Words seem so inadequate when I hear things like this, but I can only say that you definitely will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope you'll keep us posted so we'll know how things are going.

In God's love,

Robert C. H.
Robert C. H. 2009-01-27 10:12:49 -0600 Report

Dear ladydi, You are the one person I always look for when on this site.Yes I now have a good friend staying with me now, But no the picture of me strapped in a wheelchair with fecal matter running down my legs is a nursing home and that will never happen.I won't be afraid of dying if that happens. But Thankyou for your kind thoughts and prayers I offer you my best Robert

highlandcitygirl 2009-01-27 09:43:28 -0600 Report

robert, my heart goes out to you! i personaaly know what panic attacks feel like. so i understand some of your thinking, please try your best to take care of yourself. we care for you and want you to keep reaching out. i pray that you can get everything under control!

Robert C. H.
Robert C. H. 2009-01-27 09:46:36 -0600 Report

Thankyou right now I feel so hopeless Robert