I'm back....again

By Eversinging1 Latest Reply 2014-03-22 11:43:31 -0500
Started 2014-03-17 15:16:26 -0500

It's been a while. I think I said that last time, too. Have been trying to get my life in order since my husband died. I have lost people in my life before, but nothing prepared me for his passing. I have never endured such agonizing pain and hope I never do again. But, life is life, and sometimes sh*t happens. I am an independent person, strong. I have always taken care of other people and stepped up and did what needed to be done and have always been there for everyone when they needed something. I tried to handle my grief on my own. Was drunk for probably the first 3 months. Was totally manic trying to feel "normal." Could not run from the pain. It was constantly there.

One day I stood in my bathroom, looking at a handful of pills, and all I could think about was how I could make the pain stop. I stood there for several minutes really trying to talk myself out of taking my life. Justifying how my family would be okay if I wasn't around. I put the pills back in the bottle but the thought of that option was at the front of my mind a lot. I finally realized that I needed some help and went to a psychologist. My doc put me on antidepressants.

I'm doing better. Back in school. Not manic anymore. I think I'm going to be okay. The issue is, when a person is stressed and grieving the first thing that takes a hit seems to be your blood sugar. Mine has been creeping up more and more and now I'm starting to have some vision changes. So here I am, really needing to get on the ball and take care of myself. Still trying to live like I always have, eating what I want, blah blah blah. Got my wake up call.

So here I am again at DC ready to give it the old college try! Wish me luck!

14 replies

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2014-03-22 11:43:31 -0500 Report

Hi eversinging,

It is so nice to see you again. We go back a long time.

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. There are no words to describe what it is like to lose your life partner. The grief hits so hard.

I am really glad to hear that you reached out for help. That was a brave thing to do. And your doctor knew what to do to help.

It sounds like you are getting back to your life. What I always tell my clients is that life is never the same after the loss of a partner. But we learn to live with the loss, to start a new chapter, to move on with life. It sounds like that's what you are doing. And that's resilience.

I hope you will stay in touch with your friends on Diabetic Connnect. You are not alone.


Emma2412 2014-03-18 13:44:19 -0500 Report

I wish you all the best in your efforts. I have lost almost all of my family and after my first husband died, I met a wonderful man whom I married. We were so happy that when he began to cheat, it was very hard for me to accept. He was, after all, the love of my life. How could I deal with that cheating! Divorce happened after he moved out of the house into the girlfriend's house (a woman who still claimed to be a "good" friend of mine). Imagine the nerve! My ex-husband is now dead of diabetes complications and I still can't get over the hurt of it all. I have, however, learned to deal with it as time goes by. Sometimes, that hurt will interfere with my eating correctly and taking care of myself, but I do know that hurting myself anymore than I have been hurt by what happened is not going to make me feel any better about anything that has happened. I now want to get on with my life and try each day to do that. I agree with jayabee52. One has to get on with life. I trust God to help me every day and I hope that you can trust Him also. God bless you.

jayabee52 2014-03-17 16:58:00 -0500 Report

Howdy Eversinging!

I am sorry to learn of your loss. My personal experience of losses showed me that getting divorced was MUCH worst than my 2nd wife passing away. But then again my loss of my "Jem" was kinda expected since she had so many "medical challenges" (as she laughingly referred to them).

Of course any loss is painful. I know that well from a sting of losses in my professional and personal life, and I have been on the edge of suicide multiple times. I thank God that I didn't attempt, because I would have likely been successful. I even had a time when I thought I could end my life without committing suicide: when my kidneys failed and I had to go on dialysis. I had experienced a string of losses in my life: a divorce out of a 25 yr marriage when she asked me for a divorce and then took up with and married a man she had just met. My sons were leaving the nest and the city we lived in. I became disables and I lost my ability to work and gain income as well as lost my Med insurance. I was probably at the lowest point I have ever been in my life.

So I thought that if I stopped my dialysis treatments, and allowed my kidney malfunction to poison my bloodstream, I would eventually expire without needing to actively kill myself. I even spoke to the dialysis clinic's social worker who said something to the effect that no one would blame me if I did that.

However on further reflection I chose life as I didn't want to give my sons a bad example to follow when life treats them badly.

I believe God blessed me for choosing life because in short order I got
SSDI and Medicare (income and health insurance) one of my sons returned to town and settled here. And about a year after my kidneys quit working right, a lady contacted me, attracted by a profile on a dating website, and we hit it off.

We married approx a year after we met online. I believe God made up for many of my losses simply because I chose life over death.

I thank God that you chose life as well!

Praying (not merely wishing) that you have God's richest blessings as you continue in your life in your "new normal"

James Baker

RachelChavez 2014-03-17 16:05:36 -0500 Report

Eversinging, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. As someone who has lost people very close to me, I can understand how many different emotions you cycle through during that time. I am so proud of you for seeking professional help when you did. That makes such a huge difference. My bit of advice for that is continue to go longer than you think you need it.

I'm also very proud of you coming back to DC and looking for help to get your diabetes under control. I know it isn't easy, but taking this step will help you so much. We are here for you and are happy you came back! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help :)

CaliKo 2014-03-17 16:05:18 -0500 Report

Hello Eversinging1, I'm glad you got help and are reaching out to others. And I'm glad you are doing better, and working to take care of yourself. Life is a series of stages, and we aren't really in control of much, as life has a way of letting us know. Spend some time each day doing something you like, reading a book, watching a movie, calling a friend, taking a walk. And if you like pets, now might be a good time to think about getting one if you don't already have one. Hang in there.

Eversinging1 2014-03-17 15:42:56 -0500 Report

Mrs. Alice what great ideas! It's easier to mope but I have tons of things I need to do. My psychologist is encouraging me to do the same things. I'm working on it. You post helps me to see I really need to do something. Thanks

Mrs. Alilce
Mrs. Alilce 2014-03-17 15:34:34 -0500 Report

Maybe it helps to know, you did a lot of right things. Yes escape from pain is the goal of a suicide, but you were smart enough and tough enough to know how to find other ways to cope. Seeing a professional in the area is always a good thing. A support group is a good thing. One of our churches has a potluck 1 Friday night a month. They have a guest speaker, but also have time to share, to have one thing to look forward to where they can be their messy selves.

Grief, as I am sure you have learned, comes in waves. I don't know if you work a regular position. Set yourself a calendar for a day, a week, a month…what ever you can wrap your mind around. Complete that. Create a new calendar. Do one thing a day you "don't feel like it". Dust that thing, get down that cobweb, clean our that cabinet, scrub down the bathroom extra well. Turn your feelings into a postive energy. Me, I get angry, and I can get so much done, I move like a whirlwind and push through to the end.

Do not feel alone or stay isolated. here to help

GabbyPA 2014-03-17 15:23:56 -0500 Report

You need a hug!
I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I have come close twice, and the last one was last week. It is frightening to see all the possibilities flash before you when you are dealing with the struggle of a loved one.

I am glad you were strong enough to stop yourself and get help. Hopefully now that you're here, you will find the support you need on all fronts.

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