Im trying so hard to keep myself together. Ive been out of hospital for a week and kept my bg levels pretty good but for the past couple of days ive been an emotional wreck and cry at almost anything. Most of my family are deceased and ive only got my brother who is still alive. My aunt (only call her this because i always have and she is/was a close family friend and became mine and my brothers legal guardian after my grandfather past) she isnt one of those people you can approach for emotional support, or cuddles or anything like that. Her real family are quite self absorbed and quite selfish. Dont get me wrong i think she is amazing and has helped me with alot. My son is in her care because he is severely disabled and my health is pretty poor so he wouldve been at risk living with me because im in and out of hospital all the time with all my complications.
I have moments when i feel on top of the world and the next i feel so low and would rather be dead, or i hate being around people but could talk to anyone on this app or facebook. And other times i dont want to be left alone and want company. I dont understand myself at times lol. But my biggest problem at the moment is that im constantly crying over stupid things and its not me! Im a bubbly happy go lucky chick with a great personality and would bend over backward for anyone but recently ive been the opposite…
Ive also stopped smoking weed(through choice) at the start of feb when i was admitted to hospital and im not even bothered about it. Im proud i stopped so easily because it was a daily thing i smoked it like i would smoke a cigarette. I still smoke cigarettes at the moment but working towards cutting down and quitting soon.
I want to avoid anti-depressants because ive been on them in the past and found they didnt work for me. I get free health care and prescriptions so money isnt an issue either. Thats one good thing about living in britain is the free health care. The wheather is a downer lol
I feel a little lost in life at the moment and dont know why. Im on social security benifits. Im on disability living allowance and employment & support allowance. Basically the doctor im registered at signed me off sick because i became really weak and thin due to uncontrolled diabetes and working was a struggle, after work i would go straight to bed get up eat and back to bed and woke the next day for work. i wasnt taking my insulin or bg and only took a shot of insulin when i was really thirsty. I didnt take my health serious until i couldnt do normal things like every normal 23 year old can do. I cant walk fast and have severe pains in my legs due to muscle damage and my feet are fairly numb.
On the 4th of feb i was admitted into hospital with ketones in my urine and got that sorted out quickly but i also had a urine infection that id left for months thinking it would pass on its own. My bladder would swell out and i looked like i was 7 months pregnant. When i went to the toilet my urine was very cloudy almost like cloudy apple juice and it had a bad smell. In the hospital they scanned my bladder after id been to the toilet and it was showing my bladder was still very full and as the time went on i urinated less and less and had to be catheterised. I now have to self-catheterise 4 times a day because i never feel the need to go and when i sit on the toilet nothing comes out at all. The urologist didnt know why the muscles stopped working and havent blamed it on my diabetes but i think it has a part to play.
I take my health serious now and take my bg & insulin when i should. For the last 5 years ive been a badly controlled diabetic up until last month. For the last year i kept saying to everyone and myself im going to sort it out and id last a few hours to a day max and then it would be right back to square one and not eat all day then binge eat all night with no insulin and eating and drinking full fat and sugary drinks like chinese takeaways and normal coca-cola. I dont drink fizzy juice at all now and its no added sugar drinks now. Im eating fresh foods and veg but im avoiding fruit because for some reason this upsets my stomach and im never off the toilet. Im still bad for snacking on crisps (chips) salt & vinegar are the best.
Back to what i started typing… i feel alone, even my friends dont seem interested in spending any time with me anymore and i dont know if its the fact i spent so long in hospital and theyre now used to me not being around. They dont visit me and i still cant travel far for the pains in my legs which got worse in hospital. Im hoping to over come this hurdle in my life because at the moment i feel as though theres no way out.
I feel a little better that ive wrote this and sorry if it bores you guys but its made me feel a little better. id appreciate your opinions & advice thanks x
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