I need advice

By KTrevino Latest Reply 2014-03-04 09:22:33 -0600
Started 2014-02-27 10:30:14 -0600

I really need advice. My husband got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. two months after we got married. I honestly think he has had it for a longer time beacuse he has the dark patches. He has put in very little effort in taking care of it. He has heard backwards and forwards what it will do. He got hospitalized in march of 07 because of it. He behaved for a bit then quit. Its his pattern. August of 2012, he once again had serious problems with it. He behaved for a bit then quit. The only time I remember him doing good was when he tried the juicing diet. But he quit that too. I have tried talking to him but he shuts me out. Its a constant fight. I am pretty sure he has neuropathy but I can't get him to go to the dr. He has lost his jobs before because of his call outs and in The last year has almost lost his job twice because of calling in. He gets sick to his stomach out of nowhere, he gets blindly headaches that we end up in the er, he gets chest pain, ed, he's grumpy and hardly toerable at times and always tired. Not to mention the regular effects of his diabetes. The last time they check his urine it had protein and sugar in it and they wanted him to talk to his normal dr. Did he? No. He hasn't been check by since last year. He never checks his sugar. He is suppose to take metaformin and the flex pen. We have three kids and have been married for almost 8 years. He is 36 years old. I don't know what to do! I feel like he doesn't love us enough.

14 replies

FrogOne 2014-03-04 09:22:33 -0600 Report

Dear K., I was diagnosed with T2 db in Sept 2005. I suspect I had been pre-diabetic because right after starting to take Glucosamine-Chondroitin, I began peeing like a mad man. It did not matter where I was, if I had to go, I went. After losing over 60 lbs in about 6 weeks and constantly trying to figure out what was going on, I went to see my dr. He said he suspected diabetes, which is what I thought by then as well, and he sent me for lab tests. In the meantime he put me on a drug regimen and we all knew the truth when the results came back. My wife and I attended diabetes clinics and met with diabetes specialists. Somewhere along the way I heard that the majority of people stop taking their reading within 5 years of being diagnosed and I thought to myself that I would not be part of the majority. Well, I ended up there soon enough. My readings were up and down, I did not eat properly, I could not exercise due to arthritis in various parts of my body and I was in denial. I was also in denial about my wife's concerns, telling her I had it under control. Talk about arrogant. It was not until Avandamet went off the market that my readings began to really be out of whack. My dr sent me to an internal medicine specialist who told me that all he could do was to provide advice, it was up to me whether I heeded his advice. If I did not then there was nothing he could do to help me! I struggled for a long time. Here I must also point out that I was an emotional eater, and have been all of my life. I recently began to get counseling for PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse. That it took 50+ years to get to the bottom of what was causing all these problems is the sad part. The happy part is that I know what is going on rather than fumbling around in the fridge after dark. This is only part of my story, although I can now tell you that my A1c has been going down over the last couple of years to where my internal med specialist is very happy with the results. Obviously, I do not know what would motivate your husband, I can only speak for myself. Perhaps there are other issues at play here that no one knows about and that are sabotaging his efforts. I also would quit when challenged because I did not feel that I was worth the effort. It had nothing to do with not loving my wife or anyone else, including myself. It had to do with much deeper issues. I hope this helps some. Good Luck.

JaredLahti 2014-02-28 21:07:28 -0600 Report

I too have been on your husband's side of the equation. I can tell you from my perspective that it is not a lack of love for his family. I love my wife and my daughters and when I was not taking care of myself it had nothing to do with my love for my family. One thing to remember is that diabetes can be an overwhelming thing to deal with. A few years ago I was dealing with seizures and gained 60 lbs in a matter of 6 months. Once I gained all that weight I tried a few times to lose the weight unsuccessfully and was not doing a very good job about taking my diabetes meds either. It took me having a seizure on New Years day for me to finally hit rock bottom and start making lifestyle changes that would get me to where I would need to be. Starting about February of last year I changed everything that I eat, work out 5 to 6 days a week, take all of my meds everyday. The results are that I am back down to 158 lbs, have an A1c of 5.4, and ran a marathon personal best a couple of weeks ago. The best part is that I feel as good as I have in a really long time. So I guess to sum up what I am trying to say is that your husband has to realize that he is at rock bottom and ready to make the necessary changes. One thing I would suggest is that you ask your husband to see a therapist as maybe he needs someone to talk to about his fears. Good luck.

KTrevino 2014-02-28 23:56:13 -0600 Report

I'm terrified that it will take something drastic to happen. The what ifs are scary. I really do appreciate your perspective. It helps.

rickbond1973 2014-02-28 14:10:38 -0600 Report

I haven't been on here for a while…this may not help much, but while I haven't been hospitalized because of it, I am horrible at taking care of myself as well. I'm 40, been diagnosed for… I don't recall…maybe 3 years. I have two young children and a wife (whom, at 38, has gone through her own ordeal with breast cancer). I take my meds 95% of the time, but I get pretty much no exercise and don't watch what I put in my body. Does it have anything to do with not loving my family? Hell no…I very much love my family. I was probably about 37/38 when diagnosed…I want to change my eating habits and exercise…it just doesn't seem that easy to me. After this many years of eating the way I have…it's difficult to change it and another issue I have is the amount of time I have available to figure it all out. I know…lame reasons considering the possible consequences. I used to work out a lot…back when I had time to do so. With work, and my 2+ hours of commuting daily…my wife works nights and I work days so it's just the kids and I. I have so much to do with the kids and at home at night that I feel there's no time for anything. Sorry…I sorta' feel like I'm using your thread to talk about me, but I'm kinda' hoping it'll somehow help you see things from his side. Maybe his side's completely different than mine. By the time the kids are in bed and the animals are taken care of and the pellet stoves are cleaned and good to go…any other household things that need to happen…I'm beat…and I usually haven't had dinner yet. I never learned to cook…I can boil pasta and throw some jarred, crappy sauce on it (I know how bad the sauce is for me), but throwing pasta in my face (because it's easy) isn't helping matters any. I know this…it's just not easy (in my mind). I have partial neuropathy in my feet (self diagnosed)…I hated the fact that it felt like my feet were on fire the one time I hit 550…just have a real hard time doing something about it. I'm sitting at work writing this…really I should be working…could I be researching…yup. I know it's dumb and I need to smarten up…I want to be around and able to function properly while my boys grow up…it's just overwhelming. Not saying bow to his every need to help make it happen…like everyone else said…he's got to help himself and want to…weird place to end this rant, but…that's what I got for now. Good luck… Someone else's comment about a Will caught my attention for sure…nope..I haven't. Jealous of the people that have taken the time and effort to figure out how to live with it (DB) themselves…

camerashy 2014-03-01 22:35:00 -0600 Report

I'm glad my comment about the will got somebody's attention. Sometimes you just have to resort to what works.

KTrevino 2014-03-01 00:19:22 -0600 Report

Thank you. It helped bring it into perspective. He's been diagnosed for almost 8 years with more downs than ups I do everything for the kids and house. He only has to worry about his job and himself. I'm exhausted.

Type1Lou 2014-02-27 17:42:11 -0600 Report

If he hasn't made a will, get one done since he seems hell-bent on destroying himself. Although you love him, you are not his mother nor can you make him change his destructive behavior…that has to come from him, like James noted in his reply. It's painful to watch someone destroy themselves. If as diabetics we take responsibility for our condition and make the hard choices about food and exercise and medications, we can live a pretty good life. At the rate your husband is going, he will most likely develop complications and may never see his children grow up. It's so very sad. I wish I could be more encouraging…are there support groups or counselors that he would agree to go to?…if he won't, you might benefit from them by going alone.

KTrevino 2014-03-01 00:16:10 -0600 Report

He won't go, I already know. He saw a therapist once and was done. I hate what he's doing to himself. Everyone we end at the er or a clinic, the nurses look at me like I have a magic wand. I simply tell them, I've tried and I mostly get not h a rd enough. I don't know what they want me to do. Luckily our normal Dr understands this and tries to motivate him.

Type1Lou 2014-03-01 09:11:00 -0600 Report

I know what you mean about the refusal to see a therapist. My husband and I hit a rocky patch several years ago and he too refused to go with me. I went by myself and it helped. We are still together. The issues were different though…he doesn't have diabetes and I take steps to control my diabetes. Please don't beat yourself up about your inability to change his behavior…it's not your fault. Until he takes responsibility and makes the effort ( and no, it's not easy) to change habits and behaviors that got him where he is, you can only prepare for the consequences. I wish you well!

GabbyPA 2014-02-27 14:26:09 -0600 Report

Have you told him that your feel like he doesn't love you and the kids? That last sentence is a heart breaker....he may need to hear it, not just from you, but from the kids if they are old enough to articulate the fear of loosing their dad.

Is there a way you can do things together? Not just having him do things, but that you do them as a whole family? I find that helps a lot and cuts out the "nagging" and just turns into lifestyle. Finding outdoor activities or eating foods that are healthy for everyone.

He is in a hard spot. Have you asked him how he really feels about the whole thing? Not that you can change it, but maybe understanding his anger, fear or even apathy may give you a better way to help care for him.

I think Jame's mention of drawing up a will is hard hitting and making cards in advance for milestone events with the kids might help him prioritize. But if the hospital visits and loss of jobs don't do it, it is going to take some work from both of you to find a way to manage it.

KTrevino 2014-03-01 00:11:38 -0600 Report

I've tried. He shuts me out. As for as eating and exercise, we were doing it as a family. Every time, he quits. I want us to be healthy and promote it in our family. Our kids are high risk for diabetes because my father has it as well. Our children are 8,5, and 3. He got diagnosed when are son (8) was 7 months old and hospitalized when he was 15 months. The kids are in the dark about daddy. I don't know how to accurately explain it to them. August 2012, he was taken from the clinic in ambulance and terrified the kids. Did he change? Briefly. I guess I need his will made and maybe a visit to the doctor to get a rough outline of what to expect.

jayabee52 2014-02-27 14:03:11 -0600 Report

Howdy K
I am truly sorry you are going through this. Obviously you love your husband.

Unfortunately, You cannot make anyone else take care of themselves, no matter what the disease. One approach that I've seen others take is to ask him that since he is not taking care of his diabetes, does he have his will and final wishes drawn up. When I was in denial (which your husband seems to be in right now) my wife, when we were cleaning the church one day, called me into the pastor's office and in front of the pastor threatened to divorce me if I didn't start taking care of my diabetes. I got the message and didn't want to lose her to divorce so I started taking my meds.

Another time (before I had diabetes) she wanted me to do something that I was reluctant to do. As I was sitting at the kitchen table, she sat down on my lap and started with an I - message: "I feel frightened when you don't (do what I was avoiding) because we're going to get in big trouble." I did what she asked,

More about I messages here ~ http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/i-m... and also here ~ http://www.state.gov/m/a/os/65957.htm

Those are some possible ways to move him, but they are not guraranteed to get what you want from him. It is true that the only person you can control is yourself.

I pray that your hubby finally "gets it" and starts taking care of himself

James Baker

KTrevino 2014-02-28 23:59:53 -0600 Report

Thank you, James for your advice. I will look into it. I have threatened to leave him but I am afraid to so. I am terrified that if I follow through (which I have no idea how to) that he will just give up.

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