Dan Schulert Endres- my husband
I spent the night writing letters to everybodyu I could thinbk out.. it was all the same letter-different variations, I was saying I was bringing Dan home, and Id sign anytihoing saying if he died it was our responsibility…atr leastr hed be hoime.. I was ready to deliever these letters.. when I got a call from the hodpital..dan was doing bad, I waited to go in in the morning anout 6 am. He looked horrible and was back on the vent! I knew thaty was the end!.. I sat next to him for 3 hrs.,, he didnt seem to know I was there.. blood pressure dropping like a rock.. he was dieing,.. I sat there.. I knew the hospital was going to comew in a and ask me if I wanted to change him to no code.(DNR)…I didnt want it to come from them-I didnt want their pressure.. I wanted to make thew desioion myself only.. I sat there , talked to hius nurse, prayed a lot…tried very hard to separate myt feeling of exhaustion for the mix, just wanted to do what was right for you.. and whatwas best for you, Dan.
I finally said the painful words change him to DNR. Hardest thing Id ever donr…told Dan…I knew he wanted to keep fighting, but that hes body was giving up.
I thought that was the last hard decition..oh no! More to come! Thayt night.. I was talkinbg to melodee about the fact that the only way they could stablelize his blood pressure was to take away his pian meds!.. sahe said that mifght be your answer. I stopped in my tracks .. I realized this man has been on heavy pain meds for yes.. we couldnt take that away!
I went in the next moring..tues…anout 2 wks before he died. I sat with him.. they were taking blood—hurting him..I thout this is silliy..stupid!-everybody know whats going on..hes deing! Yet we keep doing this..( though Violet you have power here- what do you want to do?!. I sat there for a short time then I called his nurse.. whenn he came I pushed him out of the room- didnt feel Dan nreeded to hear this..
I said..we are done.. NO more pain, No more treatment, no more moving him around the hospital..!!! comfort care only.. keep him on the vent-I didnt want him to suacate…he had a fear of that.. I said no more pokes. No more pain!!!
to be continued…
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