Sticky Social Situation

Gavia
By Gavia Latest Reply 2013-12-11 19:46:54 -0600
Started 2013-12-04 17:20:52 -0600

My husband's best friend is a great guy and we really enjoy doing things with him. His wife, however, is another story. She's a type 2 diabetic (just like I am), but doesn't care about herself - doesn't watch her carbs, non-compliant with meds, blows off medical appointments, etc. Worse still is that she makes fun of my being careful about diet, meds, exercise, etc. Last week we were out and she kept ordering me sugary alcoholic drinks - knowing full well I don't drink. She is aggressive about sabotaging me to the point I don't want to do anything with them any longer. Suggestions on how to handle this please.


14 replies

Gabby
GabbyPA 2013-12-11 19:46:54 -0600 Report

It sounds like a heart to heart is in order. Diabetic to diabetic, no other people involved. It sound like she wants some company in her misery. You need to let her know you cannot do that. That you will be more than willing to be a helpful buddy, but not a "drinking buddy". Her bad behavior toward you should be addressed.

Copperchef
Copperchef 2013-12-07 12:49:28 -0600 Report

There are people like that wherever you go. Stick to your guns. This is your husbands best friend, not yours. Tell your husband to go to bat for you. Both my wife and I are diabetic. I am type 2 and my wife is a type 1. I have had to say to people whom we are still friends with to just stop. We know what is in our best interest, we will eat and drink what we want, so please don't order for us. If they are fiends, they get it, if not, no great lose. Or at least that is how we look at it.

ashleyrose2092
ashleyrose2092 2013-12-05 15:51:24 -0600 Report

Best thing, honesty. Tell her it bothers you when she does those things and not to OR you won't be coming around her because u place ur health above all else. If you feel u have expressed yourself enough with her tell her u won't be coming around but if she is ur friend maybe giving her the chance to change how she acts will snap her into shape?
I don't think her husband is placing u and ur husband in the middle I think he is reaching out to u because u have the same illness as her and u handle urs well from the sound of it. Maybe that is were the issue lays? Maybe he unknowingly makes her resent u for the control u have and him going to u for help with her issues?
Either way if take the issue up with her because that's who it's with is her more likely then not ull end up doing what u plan anyway which would be cutting ties with her so it can't hurt.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2013-12-06 12:50:57 -0600 Report

Ashley, her husband did put her in the middle. If he sees how well controlled Gavia is and has said something to his wife about it, the wife resents Gavia.
Diabetes is not the same for everyone. Just because Gavia is in control doesn't mean the friend can't do the same. However, Gavia only knows what he is telling them. She may not know the entire story.

The wife could have underlying issues and because she possibly resents Gavia, she also more than likely resenting her husband. If I were Gavia, I would remove myself from the situation. The next time he asked me for a recipe, I would give him some cookbooks and explain to him that he and his wife need to see a doctor and a nutritionist. As long as she keeps helping him, he isn't going to do anything to get help for his wife. In other words he is using Gavia.

mspiggy81
mspiggy81 2013-12-05 14:12:35 -0600 Report

It might be she is intimidated by the way you are able to exercise self control with your health and wants to make herself not feel bad about her inability by trying to drag you down too. The most important thing is not to let her. Above all your health is more important than her feelings. I understand not wanting to cause a rift between your husband and his friend and it's good that your husband is being supportive of you in this situation. Hopefully they can continue their friendship without you being forced to associate with her.
You've tried to be tactful and polite, but since that is not working, the best thing is to cut ties as much as you can. Tell her flat out why you will not be associating with her anymore. It will come across as rude to her, but there is also the chance that she will finally see just how unacceptable her behavior has been and in time she may change.

dagger1234
dagger1234 2013-12-04 23:11:54 -0600 Report

Okay if you say uve told her your feelings and she's ignoring u…I think it's time to lay it all out (be mean about it), or slowly cut ties without saying anything. You don't need her in your life.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2013-12-04 20:21:46 -0600 Report

All you can do is speak up for yourself and tell her point blank that although you appreciate her kindness in ordering drinks for you but you don't drink. She only sabatoges you because she thinks you have no back bone and won't speak up. You have allowed her to make you her target. Odds are she is doing this for her own means of entertaining herself. People won't do things to you unless you give them permission and if you don't speak up for yourself, you are giving them permission.

As for her not taking care of her diabetes, that is none of your business. I would not say anything to her about that unless she asks for help.

dagger1234
dagger1234 2013-12-04 17:24:22 -0600 Report

I am not a nice person if someone treats me like that. I would suggest you not to be confrontational but tell her how you feel. Be stern about it. Say she hurt your feelings by knowing that you don't drink and you care for your health. You should also add that you appreciate her gestures with the drinks but you don't drink and say you have been "observing" that she is not necessarily taking the right care/precautions and you are worried about her.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2013-12-04 20:16:31 -0600 Report

Dagger I agree with you to a point. Like you, no one would ever get away with treating me the way this woman is treating her. I suffer from Brain to Mouth Disorder and I would have straightened her out the first time she ordered me a drink. Especially without first asking if I wanted one. There is also no way on this earth she would be sabotaging me. One of the reasons I accepted your friend request is because you have spunk. I know she wouldn't treat you like that. I like people with spunk…lol

I don't agree with you saying that she should tell this woman what she has obeserved regarding her health. It is none of her business if this person refuses to take care of herself.

If Gavia says something she is going to get thrown under the bus because if this woman has agressive tendencies she is not going to take that sitting down. She is going to hand Gavia her head.

If Gavia doesn't live in their house, she really doesn't know what this woman does. She could very well be telling her these things simply to annoy her. She said she sees what the woman does when she is with them. For all anyone knows, this woman could have prepared herself for an evening out.

Secondly, Gavia has no idea what other problems this woman may be having in her life and she certainly doesn't know her medical history. No matter how close friends and family are, they only tell you what they want you to know.

I am constantly with diabetic freinds and relatives who eat all kinds of sugary foods. I say nothing because I am not aware of how under control they are or aren't with their diabetes. It is none of my business and I don't care what they eat or drink.

She may have good intentions in wanting to say something to this lady. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Sometimes good intentions can blow up in your face.

Gavia
Gavia 2013-12-04 21:33:13 -0600 Report

I have spoken up repeatedly and she ignores me or makes fun of me. "You can have a drink. I do." etc. As for her medical status, her husband shares his concerns with my husband and myself. He wants her to take better care of herself but she brushes off his concerns. Jack does most of the cooking and shopping so he's always asking me for diabetic friendly recipes, We've been invited to a holiday party at their home and I have told my husband I do not want to go because of her behaviors and he is supportive of that.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2013-12-05 11:11:26 -0600 Report

If she still did that to me, I would basically humiliate her publicly. I wouldn't go but I would make sure I told her why I wasn't coming.

Her husband is putting you and your husband in the middle of their problem which isn't a good thing. Tell him to make a doctors appointment, go with her to the doctors and talk to the doctor. For Christmas give him a couple of diabetic cookbooks and get out of the middle of their problem. Remember he chose her for a wife so he has to deal with her.