By t0tianna Latest Reply 2013-11-30 01:53:38 -0600
Started 2013-08-17 13:41:31 -0500

I need some advice or something because honestly im scared
all my friends are either pregnante with no bby daddy or working or starting a family, have boyfriends or is about to get married and im just here stuck and alone
im 20 and still living with my mother
I have no education no money no bank account no job nothing
I have a car that I cant even put in my name
everyone is all like nothings going to change between me and any of my friends
and its a lie because my best friend of 10 years is pregnant and things have already changed very drastically and I ******* hate it
I have no idea what to do
I cant tell if im slowly loosing my friedns
but I know one things things are changing and I don't know how to bring this up to them
I don't know how to talk to them without hurting feelings
im scared ive been crying for two days tryiung to figure this thing out
I don't wanna be alone
ive been alone all my life and looseing these two people just the thought of it crushes me
just typing it is bringing me to tears, I gotta end this message because its hard to see through tears :'(
someone just tell me something because its driving me crazy

28 replies

dagger1234 2013-11-30 01:53:38 -0600 Report

*hugs*. You may feel like you are a no one, a nothing, not good for anyone or anything but you're a "son, brother, friend, nephew, etc" to someone, and that means something. I've been and still is, in similar situation as you and I am trying to finally put my life back on track. Stress is what leads us to get sick. We eat our feelings, drink, smoke and let ourselves go and this is what we get to. Close to rock bottom and feeling helpless. I think this is why I honestly got to get diabetes because I stopped caring about myself. It's okay to feel down. Start from the bottom and work your way up. Think of a passion you like and pursue school. If school is not your thing, find any retail job and save money. If you need someone to talk to, I am here.. As so as everyone else here, we are all here for you. Don't give up! Good luck!

Sam Stokes
Sam Stokes 2013-08-22 10:51:32 -0500 Report

tutiana ,
fear has placed me in a similar situation for many years , the one thing that has helped me to counter it is what you have done today , taking positive action ,
reaching out and connecting with others as you can .
being human , it seems to be built in , we need a relationship with others ,
always build new friends , is what i strive to do to counter loneliness this community has got some very good people who truly care , it's a great place to
start .
we are hear for each other , it means more to me than anything else , to be able
to have folks like these to share in life with.

Sven71 2013-08-21 15:00:44 -0500 Report

Dear T0tianna that is how life goes, it doesn't mean you can't be sad about it, but people find their own road. Some friendships will fade others will stay, new ones will arive on your path. If you want friendships to stay you have to put time in it and still they will change, maybe even for the better. But change will always be a part of life.

Bun10 2013-08-20 15:04:46 -0500 Report

Totianna, you aren't the only person with a record in your closet. Many restaurants will hire you. Denny's trains you as we'll. You may have to go through a bunch of interviews but don't get down and stop looking. Dress up for each interview and feel proud of how snazzy you look and tenacious you are to continue looking. Don't let that sadness bring you down so much that you can't muster yourself in to doing what's best for Totianna. You are not young and struggling with babies keeping you up all night. You don't have to worry about paying child care expenses. You don't have to make yourself sick with worry about how to pay the rent and utilities plus car upkeep and gas. You don't have to tell your friends you no longer can go to a movie because you have laundry to do for the household. Then Saturday is grocery shopping and adding up everything you buy in your head so you have enough to pay for it. Then be embarrassed at the register having to delete some of what you bought. The grass may be totally brown on the other side of the fence with only green weeds for color. You can do anything you want, anytime of the day or night. You aren't tied down and I lived with Mom until a year before I got married. You just dry those tears, put on some light make up, dress up professionally and start looking for a job. Every state has state employment agencies. Don't just look through their listings. Tell the receptionist you'd like to speak with a counselor or advisor. Congratulations spending 8 mos to finish high school. Time well spent and it proves you can motivate yourself and succeed. Put your shoulders back, a smile on and walk with self confidence.

If your record comes up, just say you were young and dumb and it was a life lesson you don't want to ever repeat. It was a learning experience you could have done without. It's in the past and now you are moving ahead and away from that life. Let us know about your success. You've hit bottom. No where to go but up.

mytwinkidz92 2013-08-20 14:47:17 -0500 Report

My friend: your friend's lives DO NOT have to become yours! The fact that you wrote us and are crying about it means you don't want it that way- you are probably growning past these friends and it confuses you- come to terms about what you want that it best for YOU- that will take some thought- write it down, write it all down- good and bad- Is there an older woman that you can talk to and confide in? Believe in your own future- tons of people grow up, in abused situations, no money, and they set goals and accomplish them- Trust in yourself, you know yourself better than anyone:) Try to smile thru all of it- makes a difference- we are behind you, good luck and please keep in touch:)

t0tianna 2013-09-10 16:26:02 -0500 Report

I am very confused right now
I think about it so much it sometimes drives me mad
I just don't know

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2013-08-19 12:50:26 -0500 Report

You have entered into a crossroads in life where your friends are growing up and away from you and each other. They are making decisions that are going to change the way things were before they started getting married, having babies or going to school.

During this time they may or may not include you in what is going on in their lives. They no longer have the time to sit and chat or hang out. You are looking at it as they have abandonned you. In a sense they have. Your true friends will always be there for you. However, you can't always expect them to be able to sit and chat, go shopping, or hang out with you when you want to go do something. If they are working, have families or going to school, they won't have the time.

Now is the time to start making changes in your life if possible. There are a lot of people who have moved away from home and are now moving back due to the economy. Don't feel bad because you are still living at home. Your mom may be glad you are there with her.

There is money available to you for school, look into this. There are Pell Grants available. Some schools will give you a break on fees if you can prove you are a hardship case. For example you have no income at all. You can also get money for being the first in your family to attend college. This means your parents or brothers and sisters did not attend any kind of college or university. Look at on line degrees. Think about what you want to do with your life and what you want to become. Ask for catalogs from the schools and read them. Then fill out a FASFA form and get started on an education.

You have friends for different reasons. The ones who are your true friends will be in your life forever. Those who only are your friends because you have a few things in common will move on once their interest change. Friends do not define who you are, only you can do that.

The reality is, if you are don't have a plan for your life, even your true friends may abandon you. I have a friend like you. She has no education, has 5 kids and a husband and has never had a job that paid over minimum wage. We have nothing in common anymore but we still talk from time to time. Unfortunately, all she can talk about is her children and grandchildren. After 10 mins on the phone with her I am finding an excuse to hang up. We grew up and grew apart but we will always be friends since we met in kindergarden several decades ago.

Make today the last day you sit and cry. Get up in the morning and look into getting an education. Don't worry about what your friends are doing, they are going to live their lives with or without you. Try and find a job. Volunteer somewhere because sometimes they can lead to employment or contacts to who is hiring. You have your entire life in front of you and you can excell at what ever you choose to do in life.

t0tianna 2013-08-19 15:39:41 -0500 Report

you make it seem as if I don't know these things or as If I don't try
I made some mistakes in my adolescence years that will effect me for a good minute which it has for the past three years
I have my life planned out I know what I want I know where I want to be I know that I will one day get there its just a process of facing everything at once and it becomes over whelming when you no longer move no longer are promoted in your life its when your hit 20 steps back as soon as it feels all the rain has gone away
a GED has to come before I go to college and peruse my career field and a job and money had to come before either of those things
my friend is my best friend she is a sister, we have everything in common and she works over 12 hours a day and still blows my phone up to go sleep at her apartment with her gf and they try to get me to stay for days upon days
im just scared they are going to think im being selfish in this situation
I don't want them to take my plea of concern the wrong way
I don't need a lecture on what I need to do with my life
and college isn't for some people just thought id let you know
I just need to know how I should approach them with my thoughts

lmacdonald1@hotmail.com 2013-08-19 10:27:19 -0500 Report

I never got married until I was 36. I lived with my mom until I got married. there is no shame in living with your mom at all.. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. My advice is , go anywhere to get a job.. I met my husband at the truckstop in my area, I worked there for about a year, moved on to another job and got married and now have two of the most wonderful children a mother could ask for.. if your worried about no education, I wonder is it no college? I only have a high school diploma but although I don't have a great job I am currently cooking for other people. just put a smile on that pretty face of yours, dress for success, hold your head high and get out there and find a job to get you started.. I stopped looking for a boyfriend before I met my husband because it seemed like every guy I dated were jerks.. stop looking and God will send you the man he has in store for you,. first think about yourself and get out there and get a job.. if you feel like your friends are leaving you behind then talk to them and if they are indeed, then they aren't real friends.. be your own best friend first… Love yourself and you will find love .. I wish you all the luck and love in the world. you are a beautiful young woman.. run with it..

t0tianna 2013-08-19 15:44:16 -0500 Report

thank your very much and my no education is I have no GED but simply I finished my classes took me 8 months and at the end I had a series of mishaps happen that left me jobless and moneyless. my record wont be clear until October 31st of this years and because of my probation and that I cant find a job because I cant pass a background check
its just scary you know ive been alone all my life
one chick ive been friends with for 10 years and it took us a long time to get our friendship where it is now
and my other who im closer to than the other ive been friends with her for about 4 years and its just scary
I just don't know how they will react you know

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2013-08-19 12:56:10 -0500 Report

Excellent advice. First you have to make your own life. You can love your friends but you can't base your life on what they are doing.

I have a very close friend who can get on my nerves just as I get on hers but we are real friends. She got married a few years ago at age 53 for the first time. She eloped because she didn't think her friends would approve of her marrying a man much older than her. I told her as long as she was happy I didn't care how old he was.

You are lucky to have found your true love in all the jerks. This proves there is a rose amongst all the thorns. It doesn't matter what kind of job you have as long as you are happy doing what you do. Good luck to you.

Maintanenceman1 2013-08-18 15:28:02 -0500 Report

First find a part-time job at least. Working will help make new friends. I agree with Dr Gary to check out the Ed assistance & the career training option as well

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2013-08-17 19:46:54 -0500 Report

Hi t0tianna,

I am going to echo what some of the others who replied to your discussion said. Life is all about change. Our friends make decisions about how they want to move on in life and the kind of lives they want to live. We might wish they would make other decisions. Sometimes their lives become so different from ours that we just don't have a lot in common anymore. Some friendships continue, others don't.

You are at an age where friends start to move away from each other. Different lives, even different locations. It's just part of life.

But this is also a time for you to bring new people in your life, people who understand you, and that you have more in common with.

It sounds like you are really feeling stuck in your own life. Have you looked into educational resources in your area? Social services like vocational assistance? I encourage you to start doing some exploring to see what you might get involved in to help get your life moving forward.

Stay in touch with us. Let us know how you're doing!


t0tianna 2013-08-19 15:46:58 -0500 Report

I cant get any type of help ive reached above and beyond
trying so hard
when I get a job its ok for a couple months but then my mental illnesses start to take over
I haven't been able to find a job in over three years
because I have no money to start off where I need to be

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2013-08-19 13:12:47 -0500 Report

Dr. Gary, I think as teens we thought we couldn't live without all of our friends around us all the time. We gabbed on the phone for hours, hung out and found all kinds of things to do.

Some of us as teens made pacts of sticking together throughout life. Teens live in the moment without thinking 10 years ahead.

I have friends that I have had for years and sometimes we only hear from each other at birthdays or holidays. I also have friends I talk to frequently. With the invention of social media, my cousins and friends and I are closer than ever. We always have something funny to share but we aren't the kind of people who share the entire days events. We still meet to talk, chat on the phone, have lunch and dinner together but we also understand that with all the things going on in our lives, these things aren't done as frequently. What teens and many young people dont realize that growing up means changes. Friends move on with their lives and often move away. This doesn't mean the friendship is over, it means it has changed.

Friends and friendships change as we age. We leave behind those who have done nothing with their lives, those who really weren't our friends, and those we befriended because of the interest we shared. People change with age.

TOtianna may not realize that just because her friends are doing other things that they no longer have the time to spend with her before they got jobs, went away to college, got married or had children. Growing up isn't easy or acceptable to some.

I think that once she takes a look at all the possibilties there are in the future she will blossom. There is so much money available for education. Some schools my have a program for low income students that will help her. She can even make appointments to speak to school recruiters or career counselors who can help her with finding ways to attend school. I wish nothing but the best for her and if her friends have abandonned her, she will always make new friends.

silvie mae
silvie mae 2013-08-17 18:02:36 -0500 Report

Totianna, life is full of changes and facing our fears when things are changing beyond our control makes it even more difficult sometimes. But, everything happens for a reason and these events in our lives are stepping stones and opportunities for personal growth. Just hang in there Darlin' try to accept the things you can't change. It's ok to be sad. Just know that "this too shall pass" and life is full of ups and downs and each event has something to teach us, and finding those lessons and accepting them is a beautiful process. Don't despair things will look up again. ((Hugs))

Nick1962 2013-08-17 15:22:11 -0500 Report

I’m not the kind of person who’s good at saying “it’ll all be OK”, so I’ll just share some “after the age of 20” experiences and let you decide if you’re in a good place or not.

I married my ex-wife when she was 20 (I was 25) and still living with her parents. Notice I said ex-wife. For her getting married was a ticket to get out of her parents house. We split when she was 28. In those 8 short years, we both grew as responsible adults should – got jobs, bought a car and a house, but it still ended ugly as do about 54% of all marriages do now. Thankfully we didn’t have kids, so when we split we could both start fresh with only minimal damage and baggage. I could really go on about how stupid we were to get married then but I won’t. It works for some – just not us.

Of the friends I had in high school and college; I only continue a relationship with two. Not that I don’t like my past friends, but more because they have had to prioritize their spouses and children over me, as I’ve had to over them. It’s kind of a natural progression – old people leave your circle and new ones move in. The friends I have now are a lot like my old college friends, just older and have different names. Quite frankly, they’re pretty cool.

I hated my 20’s. I had so much I was expected to learn in order to get a good job and “be successful” that it was overwhelming. I failed at two attempts at college, and even the armed forces wouldn’t have me. Being overweight didn’t help me get dates either. Of course everyone telling me I wasn’t “living up to my potential” didn’t help. As much as I drank back then, you’d think it would be enough to erase those memories, but no.

For some people, mapping out their life seems to be a natural thing. Start dating in high school, get a part time job, graduate college by age 25, get married, have kids, work on the career, buy a house, have more kids, blah, blah, blah. Had I followed that map and stayed with my ex because “that’s the way it’s supposed to happen”, I would not be around to tell you this now.

You have your own unique agenda to fulfill, and right now you haven’t figured out what that is yet. I won’t bring religion into this, but for reasons unknown to you yet, you’re not meant to have the things you see your friends having right now. Count your blessings, because those boyfriends and babies – well statistics say that not all those stories are going to have happy endings.

Take advantage of the opportunities you can. There is a job service organization near you, let them help. Maybe get rid of the car and take a bus for a year or two, get a job (even part time) on that bus route. Apply for some financial aid and get into a community college – you’ll meet a whole new circle of friends there.

I’ve had to do everything I just suggested to you. Life does work out in the end, maybe just not on your perceived schedule. Don’t judge your quality of life by those around you. In as little as a few months, yours may look pretty good in comparison.

t0tianna 2013-08-19 15:51:15 -0500 Report

see ive expernced the whole your not friends with who you were in highschool three years ago when I dropped out and only a couple still talked to me
I experienced the college life when I moved out of moms at 18 and went to school to try and get a GED I know about the whole life changes people go their seprate ways things since I was 13 my sister used to always tell me that
im worried about how I should bring up my concern to my bestfriend
without them taking it the wrong way but hell I could just be over thinking things

Nick1962 2013-08-19 18:50:31 -0500 Report

I really don't think you need to bring it up with your best friend. If the relationship is stable, it will stand without the issue ever coming up, and you'll remain friends even though new families and greater distances become involved.
I think you might be right that you might be over thinking things, but I also know that you don't have the benfit of age and can't help it. This is one of those times you have to take the advice of people who have been there on blind faith that it will work out.

Things really do work out in the long run, maybe not like you thought, but just as well or better. Sometimes though it feels like hell getting there.

Thanks for taking the time to personally respond to everyone. It shows you're taking some care to read what people have to say.

GabbyPA 2013-08-17 14:45:29 -0500 Report

When I started dating and got more serious about getting married, I tried to include my best friend as much as I could. I didn't want to loose her. But she pulled away and it made me very sad. She didn't even come to my wedding and we had done everything together for years. I didn't understand.

Then a friend shared a story with me about how relationships are like trees. We are the trunk and our friends are the roots, branches and leaves.

The relationships that are like leaves are brilliant but short. They are many, but in times of storms, they will fall and make room for new ones.

The relationships that are like branches reach out and make us strong. They come in various strengths and meet different needs. Though they will hold strong in a storm, they too will often fall and leave us scars.

The ones who are roots are the ones who will feed you. Make you strong and are your foundation for your whole life. In times of storms, they keep you steadfast.

Now you might think that you want all your friends to be the roots, always there. But a tree is not a tree unless you have all the parts, the leaves, the branches and the roots.

So each friendship has it's purpose. I am not saying it doesn't hurt when those branches fall to the ground, but they leave a memory of what they gave you. Those who are like leaves come and go, but yet, they help you through times of struggle. It is not personal, but it is just time. When I started to realize that, it helped me so much to know that the friends I have at this time are here for me and I am there for them. That time will most likely end before I want it to, but knowing they touched my life and I touched theirs at the right time helps me a lot.

t0tianna 2013-08-19 15:56:32 -0500 Report

you are truly the only one who awnser my question without lecturing me
thank you very much this has made me understand things a lil more but without feeling so alone and guilty
thank you so so so so much

GabbyPA 2013-08-21 19:09:59 -0500 Report

I am glad I could give you some comfort. I know this story helps me a lot. Never feel guilty....you touch people as much as they touch you. You are both there, for a season, for a reason.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2013-08-19 13:25:57 -0500 Report

Gabby, I met a friend when I was in kindergarden. She moved away in third grade but her grandparents lived behind us and I saw her all the time.

We didn't attend school together until high school she was a grade behind me because she failed. She ended up dropping out because she got pregnant.

I was not allowed to go to her wedding or baby shower and she didn't understand it. Back in those days if you got pregnant before you got married you were shunned. The same thing happened with another friend. Her mother and father lived in the apartment above my parents and we were born a month apart. We were friends in the womb. The difference is that even though we moved in different directions, we are still friends and always will be.

You are correct friends are like leaves they are in our lives until they fall off the tree and they are in our lives for a reason. When that reason is over they fall off the tree. Other friends are the branches who will be on our tree for all of our lives. The reason they are in our lives is also different only they love us because of who we are, not because of what we have, what we have accomplished or what we hope to accomplish. They are our cheering section.

Friends can come and go but we always meet people. Some become lasting friends while others are only people we say are acquaintances.

The one thing in life I have learned is that true friends are there through thick and thin. Even though I was not allowed to attend the weddings and baby showers of my two friends, we never let that interfere with our friendships. I was 16 when that happened and my parents decided what I could or could not do. Of the two, one has been married twice, and has have very good jobs. The other is married to the same man who made her life hell for 10 years and she has never had more than a minimum wage job. The most important thing is that we do love each other because of what we have been through together and apart.