so i wish for once i could have a positive thing to say about my life

By t0tianna Latest Reply 2013-07-25 13:40:11 -0500
Started 2013-07-17 15:42:08 -0500

I didn't get the job at pizza hut so I was set back again. the doctors finially put me on the right medications but im tired of everyone thinking that I can be this happy and normal person everyday.. it just doesn't work like that. im depressed, im hurt, and I have more bulls*** to deal with in my life as if I didn't have enough already…
people think because I have no job and live at home with my mom that all things are peaches and cream.
no one knows the battle that goes on in my head with my self every day I wake up and thank god for letting me breathe another day, but why do I wake up everyday I have no purpose on this earth I have nothing to look forward to so whats the point?
I wake up like yes its a new day but the thoughts that just flow through my mind are…
I need a job, why cant I find one, when will my mom have enough of my mooching and kick me out
am I a burden on all these people around me who have their life together my mind doesn't stop ever and its slowly killing me
and oh on top of that my best friend of nine years just founf out shes pregnant
this girl is my life this girl is my world and now its all over
I will slowly but surely loose my best friend and have to start all over again
all alone again
and oh yeah my birthday is Saturday im not looking forward to that day at all
what another birthday alone with no one
nothing special happens and no one really gives two fucks to put aside what they need from me or want
to give me one day that is about me for once its the only day of the year when I want people to spend time with me but like every birthday since I was 16 it will be spent all alone
and now this is bringing me to tears
so im ending this one very short
god when will light shed upon me
when will I be able to stop worrying
my day is coming
its all I can pray
happy birthday to myself
I think ill make an even better card for myself this year
my life is falling no longer apart
but shattering to millions of peaces
I am lost
I am alone
why am I still living ?

28 replies

t0tianna 2013-07-25 13:40:11 -0500 Report

thank you everyone for such encouraging words, you have no clue how long its been since ive felt like my problems and my demons do mean something instead of me just sucking it up pushing it all the way to the back of my head and trying to forget it only for it all to come crashing down at once and I hit the darkest and scariest place ive ever been in my life.
I read through tears in all of these replies. and its such a relif to know that im not alone in this, and that there is other people out there who can relate to what the fuck I go through
im just tired of taking 5 steps forward and getting knocked 30 steps back
god has a plan though I tell myself everyday he has put me through all this all my life for the amazing things that are to come in my life
and do I look forward to the day of staying strong and not flipping the handle pays off
im ready to be at ease
jesus has my wheel and I belive in his almighty power
he has a special plan
and a big life ahead
thank you guys so much
you are the ones who make me belive
who make me stronger
and keep me fighting

0tina0 2013-07-25 10:38:14 -0500 Report

Sweety…I am sorry you are so sad and miserable, but let me tell you a couple of things an 'old lady' knows that a 19 yr old does not. First, a birthday is of course a day of celebration but I celebrated my birthday by honoring my Mother. She did the work and brought me into the world ( they call it Labor for a reason ). When I started making my birthday about her it made me much happier and the planning was way more fun. Since you live at home I think you should try this. When we make the day about helping or honoring other people it is easier to see that we are worthy of getting that job we want or the love and companionship we crave. Second, I have adapted the attitude of "Why not ME". I have had pancreatic cancer, lost my Mom and Dad and now I live with diabetes and other problems. But I am no different or better than anyone else and I have learned to be extra thankful for what I do have.
Stop what you are doing and make this day about someone else…I promise you will feel better soon…Tina

-->Type1Diabetic<-- 2013-07-24 00:06:14 -0500 Report

Wow! That's a lot…uhmmm, to begin:
In this economy where jobs seem to be limited, if you apply for one job and do not get it, do NOT allow that to depress you or set you back because there are times you will get discouraged but u cannot allow that to keep u down or hold u back. Keep pushing for another job and find something to motivate u to want another better job. For example, you say that people think it's all peaches and cream because u live w/your mother and you're unemployed? Well take that and make it your motivation to want to get a better job so you can prove to yourself and others that you are capable of doing things yourself and that you are capable of being independent. People will hate on you and try to keep u down. Ever heard of "misery loves company"? Do NOT allow other peoples negativity to make u pessimistic and negative. Life is hard enough especially with diabetes, so whyyyy make other irrelevant sh*t and irrelevant people bother you and keep u from living life? You are making it 10x harder for yourself hun! I know from experience! I was unemployed and living w/my mother and now I am working since February of this year but still w/my mother. Regardless, I am saving and being independent.
Thanking god that u wake up everyday is VERY good. Humble yourself but don't contradict yourself and wonder why you're still living as if u don't have a purpose because you do but u just don't know what you're purpose is. It seems u believe in god, therefore pray to him n ask him to show u what your purpose is! Keep finding yourself and take it 1 day at a time. I used to be at a point of depression but I turned it around so I know you can do it too! You can't be so hard on yourself and constantly be in thought…it'll drive u crazy. You have plenty to live for and look forward to…everybody goes through battles so don't feel like you're alone or going through it by yourself. As for your friend whose pregnant, that is her life and I understand that the friendship and bond is tight like glue but you can only do so much for her while still needing to do for yourself. Just because she is pregnant does not mean it will necessarily change things. You just have to understand that she will have a child in her life who will be her first priority. Wake up each day and think to yourself, 'what can i do to make this day a productive day? OK, I need to find a job. Now where should I begin?,,, go out and ask employers and businesses for applications, etc" All this I have done so therefore this is why I'm telling u this. My mother is on my behind every other day and when she speaks negative, I take it and turn it into a positive thing and ignore it because I know what I am doing to better myself and my life. Same goes for you! Worry about yourself first before u worry about others! Do for yourself first before u do for others! You can't do for others with money or things you don't have. Your family and friends should be able to understand and support and help you and especially motivate/encourage you. There will be times when you will go through life all alone by yourself and there will be times when you will be overwhelmed with friends, family and the love and support. Just watch and maybe see how your family will change on you soon as you get a job and back on your own two feet… As for your birthdays, just be glad you seen another birthday whether it's spent alone or not. You're going through a lot to experience things toward your future. God doesn't give too much to his soldiers of what he thinks you cannot handle. He gives just enough for a reason and never question it nor him.
I hope that you look more into figuring out who you are and what you are to better understand you. Everything will fall into place.. just be patient and have faith and hope!

Diefleu 2013-07-23 02:24:34 -0500 Report

Harden up.

t0tianna 2013-07-25 13:32:00 -0500 Report

lol harden up is a word in my vocabulary, things I say and share on here is things no one knows im going through
because I cannot afford to break down or go soft
I have to stay strong and atlease look like im together
to help others who are falling apart
so I can help them befour they get into the state of me
which in my case I don't return

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2013-07-21 09:54:26 -0500 Report

Hello t0tianna,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so badly. I'm glad you reached out. As you see from the responses you have received, you have a lot of supportive friends here on DC.

It can help to try to build more positives into your day, every day. Maybe start a gratitude list, and write down every morning what you are grateful for, like a sunny day. Do things you enjoy. Reach out and give someone a helping hand, like your friend.

But most important, I encourage you to get more support. Talk to your family about how you are feeling. Consider reaching out to a counselor, who listen to what's going on with you and help you to learn some new ways to cope. You could also bring this up with your dorcot, let him/her know how you are feeling.

Reach out for support. And stay in touch with us, my friend.


GabbyPA 2013-07-23 07:35:31 -0500 Report

I have not heard the "gratitude list" idea for a long time. I used to do that when things looked bleak...thanks for the reminder. It really does work. It sometimes feels really fake or cheesy when you start, but the good it brings into our minds is incredible.

The next thing I used to do when I would do my list is make sure that I wrote a little thank you note to any of the people who were on my gratitude list. That makes it hit home even more and like you said, knowing that you are encouraging someone really helps take the focus off what ails you. Even when nothing is ailing you, it's a great thing to do.

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2013-07-23 09:27:01 -0500 Report

HI Gabby,

I totally agree. It does sound kind of cheesy. But I am amazed at how well it works. Our minds get hardwired for negativity over the years, and the gratitude list helps to kind of rewire thought patterns.

Sending the thank you notes is a great idea. The positive energy goes out, and comes back to you like a boomerang. And it deepens connections with the people in your life.

Thanks a lot, Gabby!


dawnsFight 2013-07-21 09:31:41 -0500 Report

This made me very sad. You need to wake up feeling great and knowing you are loved. I am sure you are not a burden on anyone except for yourself. You say that you enjoy retail… Set a time to get up early, make yourself up as if you were going to a party, (makeup, dress, heels… the whole nine yards… ) then get your butt to the mall and apply at every store that interests you!! Keep a smile on that gorgeous face all day long. Think only positive things, whatever those things may be.

Controlling diabetes is a fight, FIGHT IT! Feeling great about who you are is also a fight…FIGHT IT!

Saying prayers for you.

KG66 2013-07-20 19:41:49 -0500 Report

I got so sad reading this! You have support right here my dear! I can't say that I am in an as rough spot as you but I do fight my own demons. I suffer from depression, anxiety and of course diabetes. I can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone. I've thought about ending my life but never brought myself to do it. I always felt like I had something to live for. I'm sure there is reason for everyone. Keep your head up. Don't give up. I hope you see a light at the end of the tunnel soon!

-->Type1Diabetic<-- 2013-07-24 00:19:43 -0500 Report

I can relate to this…I don't suffer from anxiety and I have been depressed at a point in my life but I do have Diabetes of course otherwise why would I be on here. You're right…everybody has their own demons that they fight w/each day. I've also thought about ending my life years ago but I thank God that I haven't gone through that dark side in soooo long. I don't know what I was thinking to want to end my life. Smh!

EJMac 2013-07-20 11:09:43 -0500 Report

Oh totianna, I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I've been there myself and it isn't fun. First of all I get down on my knees and pray and ask God to help me get out of the funk. I write out a gratitude list and have to start with I'm grateful I have 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes and go from there. There have been a couple od people that I could talk to and that helped. Just sharing it helped. For birthdays, I have invited a few people over to my B-day party and gave them so small present-it was fun. I find you can come out of it a little at a time. We are all here for a purpose so you need to stick around and see what that is for you. It will probably be helping others pull themselves out of the hole of depression. If we've been there we understand. Keep praying and start doing some little things for those worse off then you. It really does help. I care and I will arrange to get on here to check on your progress. You are special. There is only one of you in this world who can do what you can do to make the world a better place. Take care and write again. Elaine

Ebony Faith
Ebony Faith 2013-07-19 23:31:11 -0500 Report

If you were in Minneapolis, I would take you out for your birthday. We would be naughty and split a mini cupcake. I spent my birthday alone this year too. It wasn't very fun. Every person deserves to be celebrated, loved, cherished and respected.

I would suggest that you contact Dr Gary. He's here on Diabetic Connect. I was in a similar state a couple of weeks ago and he was helpful.

Hang in there. You will find a job when the time is right and it's the right job.

Sending you blessings, peace and that mini cupcake for your birthday.

Anonymous 2013-07-19 14:49:23 -0500 Report

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I've been there, many times. But there are a couple of things you can do to help your situation that I really think will help:

-Volunteer. Get involved in some type of program where you're giving back. There is so much value in giving back to those in need. You feel a new sense of purpose and people look up to that.

-Create a "dream board", that's what my friends & I call it! ;) Get a corkboard or some type of board where you can put up pictures of something inspiring or what you aspire to do. You say you'd like to be a cosmetologist? Put up pictures that relate to that. If there's anything else you want, put that on your board too. Post fun pictures, inspiring quotes, and/or positive affirmations, such as "I am valued". The point is, if you look at these "dreams" or goals every day, they remind you of what you want and who you are. The more you see, the more you do, the more you become. Keep positive and I promise your aspirations will come true!

Things may be hard right now, but they won't always be. You're hitting a rough patch and I praise you for reaching out and talking about it. Sometimes it's hard to do that. Hang in there and know that you are valued and you are loved. You just do everything that you can and things WILL work out. :)

LauraS 2013-07-18 13:07:58 -0500 Report

That made me cry because it reminds me of myself 30 years ago. You are not alone, you live with your mother and I'm sure she cares very much for you. It's hard finding a job. I just got one after being out for over a year. Why not try some temporary agencies. Even if you get a low paying receptionist job or even a file clerk or something part time it helps to make you feel like you are needed and belong somewhere outside of home. I had a best girlfriend years ago and the same thing happened, she had a baby and became this totally different person. Maybe your friend will stay the same and maybe she just may need you more now that she's going through something new and challenging. Try smiling at yourself in the mirror and saying "I LIKE MYSELF". I know it sounds silly but even if it just makes you laugh it's better than crying. Try positive phrases written on index cards or write on the mirror in red lipstick. It could take a long time but one day you will feel better and you will get a job and a whole lot of new friends. Write down what you want and use it like a prayer every day. You have to be very specific cause God does listen but doesn't always give you what you want, just what you need. May He Bless you and keep you well.

t0tianna 2013-07-18 15:50:01 -0500 Report

thank you very much and I do use sticky notes and try to write a positive thing about myself everyday but it gets hard to do my social worker from the mental instutie told me to do it thanks I am trying my very hardest right now but im on the point of breaking down again

Anonymous 2013-07-18 07:57:45 -0500 Report

I am hoping that you find your one thing in life soon! you have to look at the positive sides sometimes and look into the years coming and not what is here now! If your religious then you can pray but that really doesn't help except give you a false sense of security, but just picking yourself up and seeing what you have to offer is great! My daughter in these tough times joined "Quarter Auctions" a local Yard sale here on face book, and now she makes money to survive on, she lives with us and I have a ICD and Diabetes as well still battling with my sugar numbers. I lost my business and everything in November 2011 and was where you are, then I looked at my daughters and grand-kids and seen the future and I want to be in it!

joyfulangel 2013-07-18 01:13:27 -0500 Report

I know one positive thing to say about your life. It is you believe in GOD. That is the best thing anyone could ever have. GOD will lead you down the right path .You must put all your faith in him .There are jobs out there. Your life does matter I hope you know that. I am sorry that you will spend your birthday alone. I believe you are never totally alone cause GOD is with us. Maybe you can't see him but you can feel his presence. Everyone has a purpose in life. You may not know your purpose but GOD does. I have type 2 diabetes . What type do you have? I use insulin to control mine. LOL But it's not controlling it like it should. I hope we can be friends and be able to vent to each other. Take care, joyfulangel

available jones
available jones 2013-07-18 00:34:57 -0500 Report

god will help you.we just donot know when.please don't knock yourself,better days are ahead.there is not a soul alive that has not gone through hard wife & I will keep you in our prays. keep a positive attitude.i know is very hard.

Harlen 2013-07-17 16:29:11 -0500 Report

Hugs little one
You know that it's not what others think of you but what you think of you.
There are a lot of places to work ,you will find a place .
Or maybe you will work for your self?
What do you like to do ?
Best wishes

t0tianna 2013-07-18 15:55:09 -0500 Report

lets just hope something soon happens
and my passion
retail I love being around clothes and helping people look and feel beautiful
cosmetologist is my biggest dream I want to do hair and makeup professionally
I belive in making the world a beautiful place one person at a time

-->Type1Diabetic<-- 2013-07-24 00:10:59 -0500 Report

So you see, you can't say that you have nothing to live for because you have goals and dreams that you want to fulfill and you want to make people smile and happy. you like helping people and that's a good thing. if you're not in school then go to school or go back to school and work towards making bigger money and doing what u love to do… i mean it's only right, right? think on it.

pixsidust 2013-07-19 08:46:25 -0500 Report

I like this. Perhaps you can volunteer somewhere while you are looking for a job. I volunteer at a food pantry that give grocery items to people in need. You can make an impact. If you were in St louis I would love to have my hair and makeup done by you!

-->Type1Diabetic<-- 2013-07-24 00:09:11 -0500 Report

That's a good idea on what you said about volunteering. Maybe @t0tianna can do that in her spare time while looking for another job and also' it will help you find yourself and get you out the house so you're not being bothered

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