I haven't posted anything since January I am very sorry. I am ok still making and holding on by that little bit of faith I still have. January through febuary was an amazing two months. I moved out of my moms house and was living with my two best friends who couldn't stand eachother but still managed for the sake of my mental state and health things were amazing I was out I was free I never felt so alive In my life. I was living the fast life though but im young I mean what do you expect. until april hit… my mental state was out of control and I was so confused in my life, my depression was off the wall and I was out of tact I flipped out one night on my roomie which was my best friend because ugly words were spoken to me… I was in a deep depression for about two weeks straight, for two weeks I didn't eat I didn't sleep I didn't get out of bed or leave my room I just layed in bed for two weeks and cried and shut everyone out of my life I was at the lowest and darkest point I have ever reached In my life.
I decided one day I needed to go to the hospital because I was scared and I belive when your scared of yourself its time to get help. I didn't trust myself either. plus on top of that I was getting that illness again that had fell upon me two years ago. which was the sulpher burps, uncontrollable bowel movements, and vomiting and not being able to eat anything. which made my mental state even worse I was terrified because last time I had this I was told I only had a month to live…
so I go to the hospital with my grandfather and we are waiting and waiting and I finially get seen. and she asked about my depression well I break down like just have a meltdown and she ask me if I have had any suicidal thoughts and im like yes her eyes get big and then she ask what about homosical thoughts and once again im like yes… afew moments later they are cutting all strings off my clothing taking my shoe strings and bring me into the ER 8 hours later of waiting and waiting im transported into a mental insitiute
where I stayed for about a month I just got out recently.
in the process of me there I faced many struggles and started a new journey in my life.. theres two days until I get out and I get a phone call from my mother… her first words were I love you :( I knew something wasn't right when she said that because me and my mom never tell eachother that and im like why whats wrong. she informes me that I am not welcome at her house and that she does not trust me.. I break down crying asking what have I ever done to her to make her think I am such a horrible person.. she tells me that it would be best if I went to a homeless shelter because that would put me on track because she didn't want me to end up like my uncle with no job no home and no education.. not right is it. she was pushing me into that life style.. well my social worker calls her the next day and speaks with her and convinces my mom to let me live back at home with her..
Randi and kaitlyn got into it the second day I was gone, so Randi moved out and I didn't approve of what kaitlyn did to Randi so kaitlyn is no longer in my life.
moving back in with my mom required me of these things
no more going out :(
no more smoking weed :(
no more drinking :(
no more partying :(
no more seeing friends:(
no more hanging out with friends :(
I am to cook and clean and wash her clothes and towels everyday :(
and one slip up and she will call the hospital have me sent there again then after treatment I will be living in a homeless shelter if I make it there by 4:30 nd if not ill be sleeping on the streets again
so my pride is swallowed, my words and opions mean nothing.
im back at square one trying to figure out what the **** am I going to do
and how the **** am I going to get to the place I need to be :(
life is hard and it seems like ill never get a break
but once again all I can do is pray and pray that god will let me live through this hell for another day
smileing is my only key to happiness, but theres nothing to smile about
one day though one freaking day
ill make it there
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