so here i am once again...

By t0tianna Latest Reply 2013-05-14 22:30:28 -0500
Started 2013-05-03 12:26:24 -0500

I haven't posted anything since January I am very sorry. I am ok still making and holding on by that little bit of faith I still have. January through febuary was an amazing two months. I moved out of my moms house and was living with my two best friends who couldn't stand eachother but still managed for the sake of my mental state and health things were amazing I was out I was free I never felt so alive In my life. I was living the fast life though but im young I mean what do you expect. until april hit… my mental state was out of control and I was so confused in my life, my depression was off the wall and I was out of tact I flipped out one night on my roomie which was my best friend because ugly words were spoken to me… I was in a deep depression for about two weeks straight, for two weeks I didn't eat I didn't sleep I didn't get out of bed or leave my room I just layed in bed for two weeks and cried and shut everyone out of my life I was at the lowest and darkest point I have ever reached In my life.
I decided one day I needed to go to the hospital because I was scared and I belive when your scared of yourself its time to get help. I didn't trust myself either. plus on top of that I was getting that illness again that had fell upon me two years ago. which was the sulpher burps, uncontrollable bowel movements, and vomiting and not being able to eat anything. which made my mental state even worse I was terrified because last time I had this I was told I only had a month to live…
so I go to the hospital with my grandfather and we are waiting and waiting and I finially get seen. and she asked about my depression well I break down like just have a meltdown and she ask me if I have had any suicidal thoughts and im like yes her eyes get big and then she ask what about homosical thoughts and once again im like yes… afew moments later they are cutting all strings off my clothing taking my shoe strings and bring me into the ER 8 hours later of waiting and waiting im transported into a mental insitiute
where I stayed for about a month I just got out recently.
in the process of me there I faced many struggles and started a new journey in my life.. theres two days until I get out and I get a phone call from my mother… her first words were I love you :( I knew something wasn't right when she said that because me and my mom never tell eachother that and im like why whats wrong. she informes me that I am not welcome at her house and that she does not trust me.. I break down crying asking what have I ever done to her to make her think I am such a horrible person.. she tells me that it would be best if I went to a homeless shelter because that would put me on track because she didn't want me to end up like my uncle with no job no home and no education.. not right is it. she was pushing me into that life style.. well my social worker calls her the next day and speaks with her and convinces my mom to let me live back at home with her..
Randi and kaitlyn got into it the second day I was gone, so Randi moved out and I didn't approve of what kaitlyn did to Randi so kaitlyn is no longer in my life.
moving back in with my mom required me of these things
no more going out :(
no more smoking weed :(
no more drinking :(
no more partying :(
no more seeing friends:(
no more hanging out with friends :(
I am to cook and clean and wash her clothes and towels everyday :(
and one slip up and she will call the hospital have me sent there again then after treatment I will be living in a homeless shelter if I make it there by 4:30 nd if not ill be sleeping on the streets again
so my pride is swallowed, my words and opions mean nothing.
im back at square one trying to figure out what the **** am I going to do
and how the **** am I going to get to the place I need to be :(
life is hard and it seems like ill never get a break
but once again all I can do is pray and pray that god will let me live through this hell for another day
smileing is my only key to happiness, but theres nothing to smile about
one day though one freaking day
ill make it there

17 replies

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2013-05-14 22:30:28 -0500 Report

Hi t0tianna,

I read your note with sadness. I am sorry that you have had to go through so much, and that you have so many challenges. It sounds like you are in a very dificult situation.

I encourage you to stay in touch with your social worker. Keep him/her posted on what's going on with you, how you are feeling, how the situation with our mom is going. I am glad that your social worker advocated for you and that you are living in a safe place, though I know with restrictions.

I hope you will take good care of yourself. Stay compliant with your treatment. Keep your mind active, keep reading. And keep in touch with us, let us know how you're doing, let us support you.

I see that you have had some incredible responses to your post from Gabby and others. You are not alone.

I will keep you in my thoughts.


kay56 2013-05-12 19:50:44 -0500 Report

I'm sorry for your hardship.I'm glad to here you believe in praying. Getting closer with God is so peaceful. Find a church or watch Charles Stanley, or David Jeremiah on TV.
Once you allow God in your life, you will fill a Peace that you never fill anywhere else, and its an Amazing feeling. Let God help you!

midgemills 2013-05-11 11:46:33 -0500 Report

I can say I have been through most of what you are going through.. I am sorry for you..I am praying for you.. I don't get on here much but this is the first discussion I seen and it breaks my heart that people have no family connections anymore..When we are down that is when we need the support, sometimes when people don't know about depression or any illness for that part they turn a blind eye to it scared of the unknown.. Keep your head held high look toward the sky there is refuge through the storm if we press on and let God lead the way

sNerTs1 2013-05-08 19:55:04 -0500 Report

I have not walked in your shoes and won't pretend that I have. What I will say is this … Every single day that you wake up and "breathe" is a day worth living and living to its fullest so, I hope you can continue doing that. Like Jan said, cleaning, etc gives structure and normalcy to our lives, it's not a forever thing.

Thank you for sharing your journey, I know it was hard for you to do that. Give yourself a hug for me and when you are missing a smile in your day, know that I'm sending one your way :) Cheryl

Jan8 2013-05-07 10:06:38 -0500 Report

I don't agree with your Mother's attitude. Too many if thens, I am proud of you for the way you stuck by your Mom and I would remind her of that nicely. You just can't party because it messes with brain chemistry and your meds.( makes them not work). I do agree about the housework because it gives you a regular day and we all need that with this damn disease. Lots of things trigger depressive episodes so try to distract yourself with anything that interests you. Books,TV,computer,games. this is just for now. It will not always be. Nothing ever is. I wish you the best of luck. Jan

GabbyPA 2013-05-05 15:16:06 -0500 Report

First of all, I'm glad you're still here. It sounds like you are lucky to be alive and there must be something for you to learn or do still. At your young age, I would bet it's both.

Being free to do what you want can be a great feeling. But our minds and our bodies are made to also have structure and discipline. We may not think it's good, but it is what gives us the bones to make it in the world outside. Freedom without disciple creates much hurt and waste. We can eat or drink what we want, but you have to pay the consequences. We can do drugs or party until we can't see straight, but the price could be very costly. We can drive crazy and ignore the signs around us, until we injure someone we love. It's true, you can do whatever you want....but there is always a price.

You had one question about how you are supposed to get where you need to be. I think first you have to ask where it IS that you need to be. Need and want are two different things. Where you want to be may not require being a responsible young person. Getting where you need to be to succeed on the outside may require you to do things like chores or following rules you don't want to do. Doing things for other people, not always putting yourself first.

What great things did your counselor in the hospital get you thinking about? How can you make goals out of her shared ideas with you? And even though it seems like your mom is taking away your "freedom" she just may be teaching you how to enjoy freedom when you have become responsible enough to have it.

You have a roof over your head = smile
You have a mother who is giving you another chance = smile
You are learning the disciplines of adulthood = smile
You are taking care of your body better = smile
You are saving yourself from a trip to jail = smile
You are saving yourself from another trip to the hospital = smile
I think you have a lot to smile about. You many just have to choose to do it for a while until be comes from the heart.

We are here to help in anyway we can. All you have to do is ask.

t0tianna 2013-05-05 22:17:12 -0500 Report

Heres what I have to say lol I should smile because I have a roof over my head ha thats hilarious.. Would you be able to smile knowing for a fact that every single person in your house hates you nd the one person you belived in nd had hope for turned their backs on me for judgeing me because of the place ive been

GabbyPA 2013-05-06 14:46:38 -0500 Report

Ok, so skip the first one. I understand that a little bit. I have a family that is torn that way and I am in the middle. But we are the only family we have and so we try to work with it. There are days when I have to go outside and just scream because of what one person may have said or done to the other. Both of whom I love and at the same time want to smack them. It is stressful, I do get that. But the alternative is the same as that of what you on the street. So do I make my mom live on the street or do I make my husband live on the street? It sucks big time. It's hard. But we make it work and on days when it's not so great, I just remind myself that those choices are not options.

The truth is, the choices that we make for ourselves affect other people even if we think they don't. One action by one person can make another person feel unwelcome. Those things have to be worked out, or they just fester.

t0tianna 2013-05-05 22:29:44 -0500 Report

Nd there comes a time when beaing responsible enough to have my own freedom.. Heres the thing I gave up my childhood to help my mother make it through life when we were stressingabout bills nd collection agenciesyou think I was able to be worry and care free at 9 right no from the ages to 9 to 17 I held as she cried I talked to her until she belived in herself I gave up everything to be at her side when she needed me ive gave nd gave and helped through struggles all my life nd I believe if I want one night a month just to go out to the clubs and party I should be able to do it I believe I should be allowed to have sleepover nd slumberparties somthing I never experenced growing up because I was locked away like an animal closed away from society I never had friends never went to my first party until I was 18 **** ive been to the zoo for the first time on years a month ago.. Yeah there comes a time when you have responsibilities nd when I should be responseable but I want to enjoy life and see what the world has out there to me not living life in a big regret your almost sounding like them only difference is that they all know what ive done to get here today and theyve seen me at my darkest.moments nd still its never for once not even on my birthdaynever is it a day about me because I have no time to cherish that I always have to give nd obey and be there for them nd not once ever have I gotten a thank you heather not once have I ever Bern awknowlaged or praised thats all I ever wanted but at the end of the day im always the selfish one or the bad one.. So dont try and lecture me I hear that enough everyday I know what I want in life and I know how to get there im just stuck no where to go nd no one to turn to I really dont need anyone else because of what theu think is best for me or for what they think im not doing right in my life sorry if thar comment you posted if I wasnt supposeto take it that way but I did nd that hurts

GabbyPA 2013-05-06 14:38:12 -0500 Report

I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry that it did. That was not my intention in anyway. I also am not casting judgement on you, just offering you some alternative views. Sometimes we are just so close to the situation and can only see the dark cloud instead of the sliver lining that can be there. All I wanted you to do was look at it from the other side a little bit.

You said that your counselor got you started on a good road. I was just hoping that would be what you would continue. Have they offered you any practical things to do to help you reach your goals?

It sucks to have your childhood taken away. I cannot even imagine how that feels. There are many who can though and I know you are not alone. When the child has to become the parent for the parent, it's not fair. But it is what has happened. That cannot change. Only going forward can change. If those around you are not willing to change what happened in the past, they will only repeat it. Then it's up to you. You get this chance to prove your mother wrong by meeting all the rules. doing it successfully so going back to the hospital is not an option and by living a happy life that you have made. Break the mold, I bet you can do it.

MimiGaRx 2013-05-05 23:02:24 -0500 Report

I hope that you can find what you are looking for in your life. Patience is a hard thing to endure. Maybe in time it will become easier. If someone is treating you differently at home because of where you have been then maybe that person is trying to develop that patience as well. No judging from us…just know we are here for you.

jayabee52 2013-05-04 15:45:27 -0500 Report

I am so sorry to learn that you have been having such a tough time with life. I pray that God will see you through and give you the grace and the strength to survive and even thrive in the life that you have.

I believe that Winston Churchill once said: "When you're going through hell . . . KEEP GOING!" (don't stop)

KG66 2013-05-04 10:19:49 -0500 Report

I read this yesterday and honestly was so sad I didn't know what to say. I'm almost 19, have type 1 and I have depression as well and thought of ending my life multiple times but I never had to go through what you did. My doctor made me stop working and quite school because they were afraid for my safety. I really hope things get better for you! Your story really touched me…

Harlen 2013-05-03 17:11:45 -0500 Report

Ok you can come here and do the same thing or pay rent its cool you will have your own room see who you wish do what you like as long as its ok by law to do
I am sorry it didn't work out for you

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