I was diagnosed pretty young and did not seem to go through the typical grieving process that goes with diagnosis. No anger. No denial. No resentment.No rebelling against taking care of myself etc. I accepted it 100%. instead I demanded that everyone let me handle it without assistance.I controlled the uncontrollable with a bit of an iron fist. I discussed with my parents options and made I made decisions about how to best handle this or that( lows/highs/ etc). I did very well at this really from age 10 on. I looked at it like I had this special insight into perception and altered states of perception. Because of how I was diagnosed, I barely survived it so I looked at it like I had survived, come what may, because I was independent and strong. I think it gave me a resilience that I haven't seen much in others, even other diabetics.
What a rude awakening to have such strong feelings of grieving..resentment…feelings of being trapped appear 10 years in or so.
Trapped at a job I really cant afford to leave( because of the overwhelming cost of my particular 3 incurable diseases). With the severity of how a bad event goes I am trapped in relying on others… relying on folks that don't understand the complexity.I lost someone worthwhile in my life… the only person that I have really been able to ASK for help from…someone that REALLY GOT IT and helped SO MUCh in a real way not in an abstract" I'm here for you way" bailed because they, from their own mouth,couldn't handle the constant level of stress and worry and impact that comes with my medical life. 4 1/2 years and gone. I feel trapped more than anything. A treadmill that goes faster and faster.
I am in good control. My numbers are golden but the stress… My constant stress is insurmountable. I work hard for my good numbers. A constant body of calculations. I sometimes wonder if the effort I put in is worth the cost I have paid for it.I have been at it a long time… really with no help. It made me feel victorious when I was 15 but leaves me pretty… jaded these days. I do as many things as I can that bring me joy…i do them in spite of obstacles/pain/ sometimes better judgement because I know exactly how short life is but at the end of the day I still have to cope with .. the excruciating pain of one disease, the constant fluxation of the other. throw in a disfiguring one and that sums me up.
Honestly, it really blows.I don't have any new suggestions because at the end of my day I am just… exhausted. I am not religious and have no intention of becoming so… So what does that leave with? Any thoughts guys? Thanks for letting me rant.
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