Thoughts on resentment?

By 1rahrbunny Latest Reply 2013-05-11 14:24:57 -0500
Started 2013-04-04 17:21:58 -0500

I was diagnosed pretty young and did not seem to go through the typical grieving process that goes with diagnosis. No anger. No denial. No resentment.No rebelling against taking care of myself etc. I accepted it 100%. instead I demanded that everyone let me handle it without assistance.I controlled the uncontrollable with a bit of an iron fist. I discussed with my parents options and made I made decisions about how to best handle this or that( lows/highs/ etc). I did very well at this really from age 10 on. I looked at it like I had this special insight into perception and altered states of perception. Because of how I was diagnosed, I barely survived it so I looked at it like I had survived, come what may, because I was independent and strong. I think it gave me a resilience that I haven't seen much in others, even other diabetics.

What a rude awakening to have such strong feelings of grieving..resentment…feelings of being trapped appear 10 years in or so.

Trapped at a job I really cant afford to leave( because of the overwhelming cost of my particular 3 incurable diseases). With the severity of how a bad event goes I am trapped in relying on others… relying on folks that don't understand the complexity.I lost someone worthwhile in my life… the only person that I have really been able to ASK for help from…someone that REALLY GOT IT and helped SO MUCh in a real way not in an abstract" I'm here for you way" bailed because they, from their own mouth,couldn't handle the constant level of stress and worry and impact that comes with my medical life. 4 1/2 years and gone. I feel trapped more than anything. A treadmill that goes faster and faster.

I am in good control. My numbers are golden but the stress… My constant stress is insurmountable. I work hard for my good numbers. A constant body of calculations. I sometimes wonder if the effort I put in is worth the cost I have paid for it.I have been at it a long time… really with no help. It made me feel victorious when I was 15 but leaves me pretty… jaded these days. I do as many things as I can that bring me joy…i do them in spite of obstacles/pain/ sometimes better judgement because I know exactly how short life is but at the end of the day I still have to cope with .. the excruciating pain of one disease, the constant fluxation of the other. throw in a disfiguring one and that sums me up.

Honestly, it really blows.I don't have any new suggestions because at the end of my day I am just… exhausted. I am not religious and have no intention of becoming so… So what does that leave with? Any thoughts guys? Thanks for letting me rant.

7 replies

GabbyPA 2013-04-07 14:37:39 -0500 Report

I have known that trapped feeling all too well. I try to please everyone sometimes and it gets me in a place where I cannot make myself happy any longer. I have felt trapped in a job, stuck in a relationship or even stressed in my efforts that seem unsuccessful in reaching my goals. To me, it makes me angry and I want to cry.

For me, it was the loss of a job and the security that went with it. Then the loss of my income and eventual bankruptcy. I struggled on and eventually lost my car and my home. All of that happened to me and more. In that same time frame I lost a dear friend in a disagreement and was diagnosed with diabetes and dealt with neighbors who forced my family to give up a family pet. None if alone is so bad, but it's when it all hits at once....ouch.

You can call it what you want. Fate, coincidence, divine doesn't matter, as long as you realize what you CAN do with it or in spite of it. One day it hit me that I felt that way not because of the things going on that trapped me, but that I was angry at myself because I let other things control me this way.

So I became proactive. In response to my lost job, I started my own business. My bankruptcy taught me to live within my means on cash only. We looked at living in a tent (for real!) and were blessed with a house instead. My friend that I lost taught me that every relationship is not forever, and that's okay. Our pet that was forced to be given up made front page news, the law was changed and we got our pet back. And of course, diabetes made me finally loose weight, eat better and take better care of my body.

There is no easy solution. But you will have the "ah ha" moment that allows you to deal with the things going on instead of letting them hold you back and beat you down. It takes a fighter to get there. So you may have to realize that you will be in some uncomfortable places along the way, but you will make it. You will live through it, and then you will share your wisdom with the next in line.

Stuart1966 2013-04-05 23:00:21 -0500 Report

I do not know your particular recipe. Yet the "meal" we all share.

Some ruin their meal, refusing preparation of/on any level. Some will not make certain measures, others do nothing but prepare, measure, count, balance. Their approach seems misguided to me.

Much younger than you, I no longer remember a time i was not diabetic. There are many of us. No resentment, denial. We all do whatever we can to make the meal, that we can live with… and do no choke upon it.

Too often the "evil spice" thrown, found in our meal(s), burn our throats, bring rivers of tears to our eyes… wasabi, jalapeno's something too strong to be borne, we require someone, something to neutralize them. I've had a lot of them lately, the past week.

I cannot eat what has been produced in spite of my efforts, my vigilance. My meal now is bitter, rancid beyond endurance. Others find solace, relief in some faith. I do not. The words attributed to Winston Churchill I understand too well

"…When going through hell, keep going,,,"

Fond of the Buddhist ideas… if we can change our perception, the outcome is different. I will share a sip of tea with you, see what comes along… and wait. The flames surrounding us, can be warm and pretty if we can set aside the heat. I seek such tools but have not found them, yet. Have you?

jayabee52 2013-04-05 23:10:44 -0500 Report

Actually I have found peace in what you have rejeted Stuart. I have found it in my Christian faith. Perhaps this is not the forum in which to discuss it, but My Private message inbox is open should you choose to discuss it


Stuart1966 2013-05-11 14:24:57 -0500 Report

Hello James:
Not finding solace or relief in another's approach is not rejection. Merely a different view…

Gwen214 2013-04-05 17:50:20 -0500 Report

I'm having extreme stress as well, and had felt trapped. But what helps me is prayer, meditation. It's not about religion, it's about a relationship with Jesus. He's my center. Find your center, what makes you happy?

That's impressive what you did at the age of 10, I was the opposite, I denied it for awhile. I'm good now, my numbers are good, some lows. But stress, anxiety, and depression are plaguing me right now. Have you thought about talking in a group or one on one counselor? Sometimes it just takes a good listener.

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