Feeling of hopelessness and denial that I can't get passed...

By SnufflesMichelle Latest Reply 2013-03-09 20:09:51 -0600
Started 2013-03-02 22:54:44 -0600

I have had Type 1 diabetes for 11 years and I just can't seem to get over this feeling of hopelessness and denial. It's such an oppressive feeling that I want to change and I have people all around me who've been trying to help me change for a while but I just can't figure out why I can't get passed this. Am I depressed or am I just in heavy denial? I don't check my blood sugars like I should and when I ask people for help in reminding me they get fed up with me because I lose motivation after a few days. I know I can't depend on other people to help me, that this is something I just need to grip by the horns and take hole of but I just can't get passed this feeling of denial. I know what will happen to me if I don't take care of my diabetes, and I want to care but I just don't. What is my problem? Why can't I care about it as much as the people around me?

13 replies

Stuart1966 2013-03-09 20:09:51 -0600 Report

Hello snufflwsmichelle:

For THEM this stuff is ridiculously easy. A sweet childish fairy tale. Tests, shots, eat, highs, lows, whatever it is…for them its very, very simple. Never simplistic in the real world with their own bodies.

Fatigue, disgust, exhaustion, quiet fears, annoyances… the doubt of a good outcome… daily reminders, mortality. This stuff is NOT vomiting rainbows and singing happy songs. Not a prayer.

Flesh out this "denial"… I'm not "buying" that label until you can describe it a heck of a lot more. Give us some details… betting its got other much kinder names!
"Denial" is too easy a blanket.

If you were shooting blindly, THAT would be denial. If you picked random haphazard numbers out of thin air, and dosed your insulin based on those imaginary numbers, THAT would be denial. Let's learn some more about what you call denial before we accept and use it too freely.

Set apart
Set apart 2013-03-04 06:05:46 -0600 Report

I've only been at this a while, but as a T1 I find that the more you take care of yourself the better your life is! Diabetes does not interfere as much when we are in charge. I agree that sometimes we can't do things on our own, so by seeking counsel from others, you may find your will to live a happy, healthy life again! Good luck!

SnufflesMichelle 2013-03-03 20:30:28 -0600 Report

Thank you for your replies, I talked to one of my mentors today who (which I didn't know prior to today) has a sister who struggled with the same mind games because she also has Type 1 Diabetes. It really helped and put some things into perspective for me, emotionally and spiritually. I'm def. not over this at all but it's def. nice to talk to someone who knows what I'm saying, you know?

sherifawson 2013-03-03 15:31:59 -0600 Report

I've had Type 1 for 28 years. For 5 years I have been healthy with it. Before that I hated it and did not want to play. Now I come from a perspective that all disease starts with DIS-ease - that is something is not right in your mind. Whatever you are struggling with now is a magnification of troubles you probably already had before your diagnosis.

I salute the responses here to get professional help. Love yourself enough to get the help you need. Whatever is keeping you from being responsible for your control is also keeping you unhappy, and has done so since before you got diabetes.

The help you get really needs to help. If you find it's not helping LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED in getting the help you need. Believe me, I know from experience.

Best wishes…

Gwen214 2013-03-09 18:55:28 -0600 Report

I agree with sherfawson. I'm T1 for 27 years and felt like for the last 6 months, and I'm currently seeing a Christian counselor. Talking to a person who does not know you, he may be able to see why you're not as motivated anyone. There may be an underlining issue. I pray that you get through this slump, and again feel the goodness of life and feeling healthy. Take care.

Mikeal72 2013-03-03 15:17:25 -0600 Report

I'm not sure you really have a problem. After all, you are a human being with feelings! I don't have any really earth shattering advice. All I know is that if you don't care for yourself, there will be even worse consequences. Isn't it worth loving yourself enough to avoid even worse health problems?

raccoon mana
raccoon mana 2013-03-03 13:22:43 -0600 Report

you really should consider talking to your dictor and maybe a counselor. i got like that when first diagnosed with fibromyaglgia. totally gave up caring about everything. it only made things worse.
you need to get a handle on this like yesturday before you end up worse off healthwise. and never ever be afraid to ask for help! if people get fed up, its not cuz they dont care. its cuz they dont want to enable you to comtinue this downslide your on. YOU have to take control. and you need to do it today. before its too late. we ate all here for you so hang in there. you CAN do it!

jayabee52 2013-03-03 12:53:37 -0600 Report

Michelle, sometimes the burdens of taking care of yourself may seem overwhelming, However they are necessary.

Do you have children or grand children or someone else for whom you care deeply? Focus on them. If you have no children yet, do you want to have children, to know the joys (and sorrows) of being in love with some fantastic young person who is from you and your partner? Keep yourself controlled for them!

In 2006, when I wanted to end my life by not returning to dialysis treatments, after much soul searching, I decided that I did not want to give my 3 sons a bad example by quitting life when there was a way to continue it through the dialysis. Eventually I was blessed because the infection that stopped my kidney from working resolved and I was able to discontinue treatments. (now 6 yrs later I have resumed treatments but am in better mental shape about it now)


SnufflesMichelle 2013-03-03 20:53:17 -0600 Report

You are truly inspiring! Thank you so much! :) I talked about a lot about this to one of my mentors (and I hope I don't offend by mentioning God) but she told me that I'm bowing a knee to diabetes instead of bowing a knee to God by letting it affect me so much both physically and emotionally. And I told her, "You just don't understand what I'm going through." And she asked me why I would want her to know. She's totally right, I'm struggling with diabetes so much and it's affecting me in a negative way so much why would I want someone I love to UNDERSTAND? I wouldn't want her to go through the same things I'm going through, so why would I want her to understand?

jayabee52 2013-03-03 23:22:59 -0600 Report

I am a lifelong Christian and am commited to Jesus Christ. Believe me I seek to understand about my diabetes so I will not bow my knee to it but will bend my knee ON the neck of that diabetes beast and will keep on top of it as long as I live.

If asked why God does not just heal me of diabetes, I answer with what The apostle Paul was told when he asked that the "Satan's messenger" (it was thought to be an eye condition see 2 Cor. 12 6-10) My answer is like that of Paul's "8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Co 12:8-9 ESV)

I think there are levels of understanding. Understanding with the mind is one thing, and I seek to impart that whenever I answer a question. Understanding because one experiences something is a whole different kind of understanding, and I seek to help a non-sufferer NOT understand due to experiencing it.


Anonymous 2013-03-03 10:01:10 -0600 Report

IF you have hit a point in your life where you just don't care AND you have people trying to help you, then I would CONSIDER seeking some professional counseling to find what is at the root of the problem. Sometimes the best professional counseling is a good walk in the woods, or a good talk with a close friend, BUT sometimes professional counseling might be in order. Diabetes management as you already know after 11 years is not easy so don't beat up on yourself, get some help and get happy again! All the best!

Anonymous 2013-03-02 23:16:28 -0600 Report

I have pretty much the same problem only mines a lot worse my bgl runs very high i dont test or take my meds my guess is you might have depression im sure thats why i dont take care of myself or the only other think i can think of for me is its a lot of hard work and big responsability and im just to much of a lazy bum to take care of mine

SnufflesMichelle 2013-03-03 20:48:59 -0600 Report

I know what you mean, and I think you're completely right. Depression is a big part of it, even though I'm a completely happy person who knows I have purpose and drive, I just can't get a grasp on the diabetes thing. My blood sugars are high alllll the time, and it effects my mood and emotions so much more than when it's good.

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