I'm back

By Eversinging1 Latest Reply 2013-01-25 11:14:00 -0600
Started 2013-01-15 21:37:55 -0600

It's been a while since I've been on this site. I'll be hanging out a bit more often. 2012 was the worst year of my life. My mom died last January. My brother-in-law, who was married to my sister for over 30 years committed suicide the end of April. My husband had what we thought was a stroke the first part of April. Turned out to be a brain tumor that blew up, basically. A PET scan and other tests showed he had malignant metestatic melanoma and it was in almost every vital organ. After months of fighting it, he passed away December 15. He was at home and I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. So my family lost 3 of our people in 2012. Not to mention a good friend who died 2 months before Jimmy of leukemia. He had battled it for 17 years. 2012 can burn in hell. Please God, let 2013 be better.

So needless to say, taking care of myself was not even on my to do list last year. I have an appointment next week with my GP. Going Thursday to the vampires so he can yell at me when I get to the appt. I'm sure my A1C is through the roof, but I really have no idea what it would be. We bought a new house in November and I'm still trying to get things out of the old house. Jimmy got too sick for me to go move things. Still living out of boxes and haven't seen my glucose meters in several months. Got a new one today, but haven't got any strips. Get them tomorrow, I guess.

The grief, at times, is unbearable. I'm starting to get to where I can make myself pay bills etc and with my daughter jumping my arse about my health I reckon I better start getting myself in shape. I'm all alone now so no one to look after me on a daily basis. I don't know where to start. My mind is still not clear and I'm the caretaker of others, not myself. I don't know how to take care of myself. Never did know how.

So here I am. Hoping to find some motivation and support and maybe shed a few tears and heal. I don't like feeling so damn pitiful.

10 replies

Eversinging1 2013-01-24 22:43:06 -0600 Report

Well I'm not as bad off as I thought. My A1c was 6.9 which was a helluva lot lower than I was expecting. Not great but after all I've been through I'll take it for now. My bad cholesterol was 128 so I need to get that under 100. I am relieved but have my work cut out. Thanks everyone for the support!

MAYS 2013-01-18 17:01:15 -0600 Report

Welcome back!

We all have our ups and downs in life, if you wake up the next morning tou have survived another day which gives you the opportunity to try once again to make things better for yourself!
Stay strong and focused, do what you must do and live your life, sometimes our happiness has to be made by us, for us (God willing)!

Once again, "Welcome back"!

Eversinging1 2013-01-18 15:49:24 -0600 Report

Forgot to mention that I got a schnauzer puppy the day Jimmy died, to try to ease the lonliness. Nothing is worse than coming home to an empty house. Just found out my little buddy has juvenile cataracts. So basically I have a blind dog. Can't afford the $5k it will cost for cataract surgery. On the positive side, he's only about 10 weeks old so he doesn't know he's blind. It's been that way all his life. I seem to attract this stuff! lol

luked 2013-01-16 13:22:26 -0600 Report

Hope you get better hang in there.

Eversinging1 2013-01-18 15:12:54 -0600 Report

I have all kinds of things to keep me busy. Going back to school next week. Taking 3 classes, plus working, plus the singer's association I belong to. There is just no joy in any of it when I think of my future. I know that's not good. I hear it gets better. Don't know if I'm going to keep with the music stuff. That was something that drew me and Jimmy together and it was a HUGE part of our life.

Got my blood drawn yesterday and they took some urine too, to see if there is protein in there. What would that mean? Anyway, I go back to doc Wednesday. I'm sure he's gonna yell pretty loud!

Thanks for all the kind words.

MewElla 2013-01-16 12:29:14 -0600 Report

I so understand where you are coming from. It is an overwhelming sense of grief you are dealing with and my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband, too. I am always here for you if you would like to drop me a note on email…God Bless You..

J Kate
J Kate 2013-01-16 09:49:33 -0600 Report

I'm so sorry to hear about your year. Take care of you and feel better. Glad you're back.

jayabee52 2013-01-16 01:50:19 -0600 Report

OH My dear sweet one, YOu have had quite a rough stretch of it, I cannot imagine what kind of pain you're in.

I don't wish to "pile on" your arse with your daughter (who loves you by the way) but you DO need to take care of yourself! I remember that from previous reading that you have experienced several significant stressors in such a short span of your life that Unless you take good care of YOURSELF, physically and emotionally you may well have a psycological break down or a phycical one. If you are caring for others, see if some of your responsibilities for caregiving may be taken over by others, even temporarily.

You say your grief is unbearable! Give yourself PERMISSION to do the work of grieving. Talk to a trusted clergy person or a grief therepist to let it out. The most healthy way of getting out of grief is to go through it. If your church has a "Stephen" ministry going in it, talk to the pastor and the Stephen minister (a trained person of your same gender) will be assigned to look in on you from time to time. I myself have a couple of Stephen ministers over the years who have helped me through tough times.

It also helps to be busy. When you'r grief is calmed down.

When I lost my 2nd wife in 2010 I became more active here on CD. It gives me something to occupy my time and keep my mind busy and use my skills and knowledge which I have gained through out my life.

Your activity may be something else that you like. Some way of making the world around you better,l something which gratifies.

I will be praying for you One. Praying that you will do the work of your grief and come out of it into your "new normal".

Should you feel the need to bend someone's ear and just have a good cry, PM me.