Sunday thoughts

By luked Latest Reply 2012-09-19 06:20:19 -0500
Started 2012-09-16 13:40:46 -0500

Sunday thoughts
I hear it all the time that the problem kids and their behavior is the fault of parents. I will agree that may be partially true but will stand behind this: "outside influences are greater than perfect parents.". For example many of our prominent leaders have children that have problems. Most parents spend entirely too much time focusing on their kids and not enough time assisting other kids who may not have same resources. I truly believe that it takes a village to raise a kid. It's not always the parents fault.

Tags: general

12 replies

Ms. DAT 2012-09-19 05:27:01 -0500 Report

I agree with the statement that is takes a village to raise of kids because on Sunday I spent some times with nieces and nephews who had dinner but was yet hungry when we walked to Mac Donald's, they played and had fun yet they were hungry. So we came up with a plan as to what they wanted to eat based on the funds available, these kids are so intelligent that I respected their choices and I paid for their food to help start the celebration for two boys whose birthday was Monday and bought them juice and snacks from the 99 cent store.

They had a blast and expressed that I am their Auntie and they were full with the Mother was present. I saw the happiness on their faces.

I can not let children go hungry and Also I will buy clothes, shoes as well. If I can not buy food at the time then I will cook a meal for all the family to enjoy.

I missed their birthday on Monday for Dr.s appointments but the children and parents were happy and all that matters!!

luked 2012-09-19 06:00:12 -0500 Report

It does take a village however whether you spend time mentoring your children or other children choices are made by individual. No parent is sure that all that is being taught is followed because we all make mistakes whether there is outside influences or not.

Ms. DAT 2012-09-19 06:09:15 -0500 Report

That is why it important to have other people who are able to influence children have the same beliefs as the parents around your children. So that when time comes those who are positive outside influences will impart wisdom and knowledge that will help the child as well as respect the parent even when mistakes are made. Some parents want to correct their mistakes and some do not care but regardless of the parents parenting skills if you or me can make a difference for the child and parent then that is the most positive outcome.

Ms. DAT 2012-09-19 06:20:19 -0500 Report

Thank You!! I really mean this from my heart cause to many time I have been the positive outside influence especially when a boy runs away from his house and sat on my steps at my place so took the appropriate action to inform the parent as to the child's where about and she gave him into my care at any time due to respect and trust me I lit that child up in love about running away from home as with many and many are now young adults themselves.

2manypricks 2012-09-17 13:07:41 -0500 Report

Very well put however…children can only repeat what they see. They look up to parents and most likely repeat history even if its wrong. Most cases are not the parents fault i think its more the lack of love that they are missing. Quality time is a must those are what a child keeps in his memory bank. So if there is not a lot of good memories then he acts out! Im very very dedicated to my boys and it can be both at fault here. Have a blessed Monday.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-09-18 10:23:31 -0500 Report

Not all kids look up to their parents. Not all kids have a parent worthy of looking up to. When you encounter kids who have seen their fathers killed in the street, a mom strung out, both parents strung out or both parents in jail they have no one to look up to.

It is a two way street, these kids make a choice. They can either go east and be all they can be or go west and turn to the streets and end up in prison or dead. I once encountered a 14 yr old on my way to the corner store who asked if I wanted to buy weed. This kid did not fit in with the others on the corner. His clothing were clean but worn. He came into the store and I asked him why he was on the corner. He said one of the drug dealers gave him weed to sell so he could buy bleach and detergent to wash clothing for him and his brother and sister for school the next day and to buy something for dinner for all of them. I bought him bleach, another lady bought him detergent. I gave him my name and sent him to our Neighborhood Service Center, told him who to ask for and to tell the person I sent him. I made a call and the kid showed up after school and was given food, got help with having the power turned on and other assistance. I saw him two days later when I was leaving work and he hugged me for getting him help. This kid had no one to look up to or to take care of him. He had no idea where his mother was. She was an addict and he had not seen his father in years.

There are kids raising siblings even in a home with a single parent where the parent is more concerned with his or her lifestyle than with their kids. The sad thing is these kids do such a good job of staying under the radar that unless something happens neighbors don't know what the kids are going through.

There are also parents who have set goals for their kids who run into problems when the goals of the parent isn't the goal of the child. Not all kids in a sport wants to be in that sport, not all girls in cheer leading want to be a cheer leader. Problems arise when kids no longer want to meet the goals their parents set for them. Why force your child to be a doctor if the child wants to be a lawyer, a police officer or a firefighter? Why force your child to hang with the popular kids if this isn't what the child wants. In many cases the popular kids are the worse kids in the school. This can cause the child to resent the parent if the parent isn't willing to listen. You have to with guidance let the child be what the child wants to be in life and not live your life through the child. Just because you scored the touchdown and the team in high school doesn't mean that 30 years later you are forcing your kid to try out for the team. Just because you were the Captain of the Cheer Leading Squad doesn't me your daughter wants to do this. Parents have to really listen to what kids are saying and what they are not saying.

annesmith 2012-09-17 01:38:45 -0500 Report

This is a very interesting topic. I have mixed feelings on this. I had such an excellent, solid father in my life, plus an excellent, solid grandmother and grandfather ,that, I would not think twice on saying it really is the parents who mold their children. If the parents love their children, and they don't do drugs or alcohol, it means a huge huge difference. My mother and father were both outstanding workers, so my sister and I naturally followed. However, I have seen a lot of kids, I'd say 50% of all kids I ever knew or saw in a classroom, get in with the wrong crowd, not just in high school..I'm talking in 4th and 5th grade. It only takes one time for a kid to get in with the wrong crowd, when they are at school, and the teachers can't possibly control all of that…impossible, so, I strongly believe it is 50-50—without a good solid home, with honest parents, the child will eventually waver, and not be consistently in contact with who they are, as in, their identity. If society is shaky, or what I mean, the society outside the children's home is shaky, chances can be kind of high they will become problem kids. It's all about balance…ANNE

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-09-17 12:00:35 -0500 Report

Anne in some cases kids who have solid parents can get into trouble and kids from broken homes can be very successful. Just because you are raised with working parents doesn't mean that you will be anymore than they are. For example if your parents worked and stressed that to get what you want you have to work you may end up being no better than them. So if Dad worked at the Steel Mill and mom was a cashier and they stressed how important it was to work and Dad told his son there was a job for him at the Steel Mill when he graduated and Mom got you a job at the supermarket when you graduated, you end up no better than them. However, if both parents stressed that graduating from High School and going to College was the key so that you and your brother would not have to work at the Steel Mill and the Supermarket then you end up in a better position than them.

Kids get into the wrong crowd many times because they have not been properly taught socialization. Prime example, a friend and her husband adopted all 6 of their foster kids. She controlled them with an Iron Fist. So if her kids went to school with your kids and mine, her kids could not be friends with our kids if she didn't know us. Her own two kids were raised the same way. They didn't get into trouble. The practically ran out of the house when they were of age. One went into the military and eventually got married and the other went wild. They talk to her only on special occasions. The adopted daughter was asked to the prom. She was not allowed to go with the guy she liked because her mother did not know the boys mother. She ended up going with someone else whom she didn't like because both sets of parents knew each other. She did the same thing with the adopted oldest son.

Kids have to be allowed to choose friends both through family and church affiliations and on their own. If they are taught morals and values they may get in with the wrong crowd but they may not. No kid wants to feel they don't fit in somewhere or are not a part of something.

If you take all the kids, those with parents who address problems straight on with discipline as needed, more than likely these kids are less likely to get into continuous trouble. Take kids whose parents always find an excuse or can justify why the kid is always in trouble teaches the kid that he/she can do as they choose because mom and dad are going to cover for them. A neighbors son was killed at 16 in a juvenile facility because when he stole from a corner store, her response was he wanted to see if he could get away with it. When he stole from his parents and grandparents, he did it because he needed money for something. When he beat up younger kids it was because they picked on him. When he continuously was picked up by the police, the police should have left him alone. While in Juvie when he continuously stole from the other kids or destroyed their belongings because they would not give them to him, he was killed. Her justification and excuses for his behavior his entire life caused her to lose her son.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-09-16 20:54:13 -0500 Report

I think the problem is that what was taught soo many years ago, respect and manners and to hold yourself accountable has been replaced with the idea that children should be allowed to "express" themselves. I am all for allowing children to do this, but they need to have guidence and be taught what I mentioned above. It is very upsetting to watch how children dress or lack of, as well as how they behave and speak to each other which carries over to adults. Yet, when these children get into any trouble their parents try to justify it.

It would be nice to see bright, intelligent children reaching their full potential and making life enjoyable to all instead of what we see today. There is still hope that parents, children and society will turn things around.

Oh, as far as the village, I don't want to be the only one doing anything with your child, I have my own children and life and therefore expect you to be a participating parent.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-09-18 09:45:47 -0500 Report

Red there is a school here I think it is the Montessori School that allows children free expression. I am not sure if they have a normal structured class as in other schools. A former boss sent her two girls there. The day she brought them to work on Bring Your Child To Work Day. She was asked to take them home. Their form of expression was extremely disruptive to the entire office. She never stopped them from destroying two office phones with water, pouring soda on the back of a computer monitor to see if it would smoke, put a roll of toilet paper in the toilet to see if it would flush and flooded the restroom and took one kids lunch bag and destroyed the kids lunch, diabetic meter and told the parent her mother wouldn't care. To make it worse she was offended when she was told to take them home and said no one gave them a chance or tried to accept them. She quit a week later.

Here in the city the kids in elementary and middle school wear uniforms. The High School kids wear what they want. I have seen girls going to school in outfits that would be more appropriate for a strip club.

Parents who justify their kids behavior are only buying trouble. Once kids know their parents are going to make excuses for what they do, they will continuously get into trouble. Kids learn at an early age what they can or cannot get away with and they also learn what is going to happen when they get into trouble.

I am one of the villagers who are tire of helping to raise the children. Parents have to step up to the plate and raise their own children.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-09-16 20:25:48 -0500 Report

Luke were you ever asked why did you do something and you said "because Jr told me to do it". The very next question was "If Jr. jumped off a bridge or told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it"?

The problem is today too many parents blame someone else for their child's behavior. They don't want to take responsibility for their child's behavior nor are they responsible parents.

I once saw a T-shirt that said "The Village Is Tired Of Raising The Kid" I am one of those who are tired. There was a time when you could say something to a child who was misbehaving and then talk to the parent. Today far too often if you ask a child not to do something, the kid will cuss you out and so will the parent.

So I blame parents for the child's behavior. Parents are responsible not anyone else nor should others be made responsible for how children behave. I worked in a school for several years and at times it was like walking through the gates of hell. Kids out of control, cursing teachers and other kids, fighting, kicking over desk. Parents at the school cursing teachers and the principal in front of their children. Sounds like a High School…wrong. This was the worse elementary school in the city. The really good kids often were caught in the middle because teachers were spending a lot of time keeping their classrooms in order. It wasn't until the principal got mentors for the worse kids and they began to settle down. Parents used the school for after school babysitting. Often the principal would have to call parents to come get the kids after school or take them home or call the alternate in the child's folder and take the child to them. PTA meetings would have 10 parents or less. More if food was served. This villager is not going to help raise anymore kids…I am tired.