How Do You Deal With Loss; Especially This TIme of Year

By Latest Reply 2008-11-24 15:19:42 -0600
Started 2008-11-24 08:47:42 -0600

My Mom passed 13 years ago today; It was a Thanksgiving Day. I have yet to be able to let it go, and am depressed and crying most of the day, and most of the holiday season. I honor her, this day, Christmas, and her birthday with a new angel added to my hutch, with all the rest of my memories I have; and play the songs all day long;; Spirits in the Sky, Heaven and (this is not the name but how I relate to Eric Claptons' heaven, about the loss of his son) Would you know my name if you saw me in heaven, and cry to that one (and play over and over) the most. It is time to move on, But, I don't know if I can, I need help. I have lost in the past a husband of 3 years, aunts and uncles, even a boyfriend at 19, and my father and grandparent, whom I truly loved. But, never affected me as badly as this and it has been 13 years. What can I do to get through these types of days and except a close loss of a family member. This year is actually harder than most, because I have a brother living with us now, who was also affected very badly by the same thing, and took off for 10 years without any contact; Until I finally tracked him through motor vehicle dept. So part of my dilemma is that I can not express my mourning for fear of how he may react, and he rarely goes out, being disabled himself. Thanks for listening to my ranting.

5 replies

vgarrison 2008-11-24 13:14:09 -0600 Report

I lost my Grandmother about this time 2 years ago, and her birthday would have been this passed Saturday…she would have been 88 this year…it's hard not being able to call her, or go over and get advice from her.

Also it's hard with the recent loss of my Father-in-law…it was on Nov. 7th, and we are planning on skipping Thanksgiving this year, only becuase we are in the middle of moving across country from New Orleans to Seattle. There are so many things that still need to be done, that I don't have the time or energy to cook a big dinner for just 3 of us…

I am quite fortunate…I am 28 and this is the first death that has affected my day to day life. When my Grandma passed, she was 1300 miles from me, so it didn't affect my day to day life, but this time it's different. We lived with him and took care of him.

My thoughts are with everyone else that is struggling with a loss, whether it was 20 years ago or yesterday…it seems like the hollidays are always going to be a tough time to deal with it…

Blessed Be

2008-11-24 15:19:42 -0600 Report

Vicki; Thanks so much for understanding; it is not the length of time it is the closeness you had with that person, and for me "I still run to the phone" and expect her, or I go to grab the phone and realize, What am I doing? I can't call her. so I guess that is one of the hardest, and my daughter was 11 and the ownly relative she really had, and they were extremely close; the loss is even greater for her, I think, because that girl holds everything back, and does not cry. Never wants to upset me, but it is only going to hurt herself. Thanks again; Claudia

GabbyPA 2008-11-24 09:19:47 -0600 Report

Loss is such a personal thing. No one can tell you your grief it ready to let go but you. I don't think that haning on to it is healthy, but each of us has to do that in our own time, so maybe you are coming to that realization now. There are days when out of the blue I will have a memory of my brother or my dad...and wham! Tear fest. But not for long.

Some things that help me are remembering great times we shared, special moments. Looking at what we shared, not what I miss. I was very close to my dad. We did a lot of father daughter type things and he confided in me a lot. We were cut from the same fabric in life, and I really wish he had been alive to see some of the great things I have done. Then again, I'm glad he is not here to see my messes either. LOL!!

My mom has a "game" she does called pennies from heaven. Shortly after my dad died, when she found a penny, she said he was looking out for her. Then after my brother died, she started finding two pennies at a time...and when her mom died, three pennies at a time would show up. So she finds great comfort in that.

The one thing that helped me the most to get past the heavy emotions of it, was to talk about the death of each that I have lost. All were very differnt and two were very traumatic. I share with people often about them, and sometimes it is hard to do without tearing, but I make myself get thru it and then eventually is gets easier. I use it to help other people too. I had one friend tell me that she was amazed at how I could see the beauty in the death of my dad. I never had really seen it that way, but she was right. As hard as it was, it was a learning time for me and it an odd way, it too was beautiful. I wrote poetry to each and that expressed my feelings best. But once it is on paper, it helps remove it from the emotional iceburg...letting it rest.

The last thing I will share is that every person makes a hole in our heart that is shaped like them. When they are gone, nothing else can fill that space, because it belongs to only them. So we carry with us that space that reminds us of the love we share for those people.

So maybe instead of remebering the things that make you miss her, recall the way she made a special meal or the way she smelled on a summer day. Maybe it is the color of her eyes or her laugh that would make you smile. Remember a life lesson she taught you and share it with someone. The connection is going to be there, that just means that you had the blessing of loving someone. That is nothing to be sad about, but to be thankful for.

John Crowley
John Crowley 2008-11-24 09:18:24 -0600 Report

My wife lost her brother last year just before Thanksgiving. It is tough when times of loss become entwined with momentous holidays—it makes it very hard to separate the memories.

I am no mental health expert. So I don't have any great answers. But I think a couple of things are key. First, (because this is Diabetic Connect after all), you need to make sure you're taking care of your health. Depression sets in so much more easily when you feel terrible physically. So do the things that will keep your blood sugars under control.

Then I also think it's important to cherish the memories of your mom and the holidays. But also realize that we're all headed down the same road. Life is fleeting for all of us. So be in the moment now. You have this holiday to give thanks. Find a way to honor the memory of your mom, but be in the present. Look around and see all the ways your life is blessed today. What a great opportunity to reconnect with your brother.

Anyway, those are my few thoughts on it.

Take care. All the best.

2008-11-24 12:56:19 -0600 Report

That was so thoughtful and full of good advice; thanks so much John, and hoping your big Thanksgiving gathering is great, and your son is doing well. And best wishes to your wife,too. Claudia