Jokes

Goddess
By Goddess Latest Reply 2009-02-01 13:28:18 -0600
Started 2008-11-23 21:29:59 -0600

Anyone that has a good joke please share it with us.


126 replies

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-27 16:53:49 -0600 Report

The Department Of Defense briefed the new president this morning. They told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a brazilian?"

sparkysmom
sparkysmom 2009-01-26 10:59:35 -0600 Report

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours,fly around and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people,
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and,
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Lisa Ann
Lisa Ann 2009-01-26 15:15:40 -0600 Report

Love this. So many people complain about peoples pets, but I say if you don't like my cats don't come over.

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-26 10:53:59 -0600 Report

Practical Viewpoints on the Bailout Plan

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some buttholes in Washington .

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-24 04:31:38 -0600 Report

Little Johnny's at it again…

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-24 04:32:27 -0600 Report

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-24 04:33:02 -0600 Report

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?

' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-24 04:33:49 -0600 Report

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-24 04:35:48 -0600 Report

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-23 13:55:35 -0600 Report

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Alabama . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Michigan . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-23 03:19:47 -0600 Report

Video humor. Carol Burnett clip.
http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id...

Richard157
Richard157 2009-01-22 08:07:05 -0600 Report

If you've ever been unimpressed by a particular someone, here are some slightly more tactful ways for you to express yourself…

1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-22 10:38:42 -0600 Report

You forgot a couple.

The porch light's on but nobody's home.
The elevator doesn't go all the way to the penthouse.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
A couple of wrenches short of a tool box.

2009-01-22 10:47:24 -0600 Report

I really like number 16!!!! That's why I try not to look in a mirror any more than I have too!!!

Richard157
Richard157 2009-01-21 14:51:57 -0600 Report

Energy Drinking…

A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger in Los Angeles.

It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time. The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up.

But it didn't. He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover! Bill's phone rang, it was Bob. Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"I feel great!" replied Bill.

"I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?" "No. That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover. We ought to do this more often!"

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing…"

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"What?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No…"

"Well, don't, because I'm in New York!"

2009-01-21 16:19:38 -0600 Report

I always knew you men were full of it!!! And you have just proved it!! LOL

Babs341
Babs341 2009-01-23 16:06:22 -0600 Report

Ya know, I think I know these guys. I wonder if this is why when you are driving down the road and all of a sudden you smell something really really bad?

2009-01-23 17:50:23 -0600 Report

I think I've passed these guys on the road a time or two myself!! lol

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-21 04:07:57 -0600 Report

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

…Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Richard157
Richard157 2009-01-20 21:19:43 -0600 Report

The Pillsbury Doughboy, a great icon of the entertainment community, died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough. Plus, they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Richard157
Richard157 2009-01-20 12:44:27 -0600 Report

Diane this thread is a winner. Thanks!

On some other site members attach "signatures" to their posts. It aooears beneath every post they make. I will have to start making notes and telling you some of them. Some are famous quotes and others are funny. Here are a couple I like:

"Chocolate makes your clothes shrink."

"Veni, vici, velcro." I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-20 10:31:07 -0600 Report

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-20 10:29:16 -0600 Report

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-20 10:27:17 -0600 Report

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last week we went to a fantastic seminar on how to improve your memory. It was really great and I would highly recommend it.'

The other man said, 'What's the name of this seminar?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know…the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yah, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Hey Rose, what's the name of that seminar we went to last week?'

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-20 10:20:42 -0600 Report

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

brenda
brenda 2009-01-20 10:31:58 -0600 Report

Oh, I am so glad to find this. How can yu get through the day without being able to laugh, especially at yourself, lol.

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03.. No one expects you to run—anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Babs341
Babs341 2009-01-23 15:58:37 -0600 Report

I just love this. Going to make a copy and pass this on to a few people I know. To my friends who are my age and older - and to my kids & there friends so they can get an idea on what they can look forward to - to growing older.

Meridian - 26751
Meridian - 26751 2009-01-20 10:18:44 -0600 Report

An elderly gentleman…

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

LadyDi - 26259Miller
LadyDi - 26259Miller 2009-01-20 08:42:36 -0600 Report

(Not my personal story, by the way!)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

highlandcitygirl
highlandcitygirl 2009-01-20 10:00:40 -0600 Report

i'm laughing so hard, i'm about to fall out of my chair!!!!!!!!!!!!

LadyDi - 26259Miller
LadyDi - 26259Miller 2009-01-20 10:04:41 -0600 Report

As I said, not my personal story, but there are definitely guys out there that would do that, I'm sure! I got a kick out of it too.

highlandcitygirl
highlandcitygirl 2009-01-20 10:08:49 -0600 Report

the reason i found it so doggone funny, is that when my husband use to come home from work, the first thing he wanted to know was, where is my d—n supper! it is so muchlike a couple that has been married awhile! thanks for the laugh!