Celebrate what and how?

By TsalagiLenape Latest Reply 2012-07-20 18:05:06 -0500
Started 2012-07-14 08:22:20 -0500

This is personal by the way, but I trust your replies and opinions ok? Now with that said here goes…

Ok quick question:

How and what do you celebrate on an Anniversary when the husband shattered the wife's life, trust, faith and beliefs?

Background info…

She has no reason to trust, believe, have any faith in anything he says or does.

After 13 years of a good marriage followed by 4 years of h*ll on earth for the wife, due to husband being on drugs…she is moving on but now he is sober from drugs and etc, he wants to celebrate 17 years of marriage?

Come on are you kidding me? He was so nice to text her a message of Happy Anniversary.

What do any of you think?

Thank you

43 replies

Nana_anna 2012-07-18 09:00:56 -0500 Report

I have been married 18 years. We have had our problems and now most of it is dealing with a husband that is at times and can be rude and insincere. It's hard but I am having to learn to keep my mouth shut, and not reply to everything he says. It hurts. Because I know he can do better. I think the trusting part comes in when you put your trust in him. When he doesn't keep his promises, lies, and says things that are not true. I would have a hard time trusting him. I do because he does just as I have just stated. Keeping your promises, doing what you say, and not doing it are two different things. Growing up and being a mature adult really helps. When your spouse goes off in the wrong direction, and refuses to change. Best thing is to pray. We also just have to live in it for better or for worse.

"Sue" 2012-07-17 11:10:32 -0500 Report

I have been there and back too . But ,he was more than that my-ex-husband was veberially , mentally , phsyically , . I'm glad that you wrote in about this and now giving my -point -of -veiw on this . Everyone deals with celeations ,and differnet special effents differently . You must have trust in your-self and in God (your faith) to get through the tought spots in your life . That is what makes us all stronger and help us deal with lifes differnet choices . I never thought that I would ever get though that hard time in my life , but I had to belief in my faith ,trust in it . And I had to learn from it .To get over it and go on , for my own . I had to get on with my life. If I just dwell on it ,it would just eat way at me. I guess , my piont is . Is trust your -self to make the right choice from with in your heart. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU…

pixsidust 2012-07-16 08:02:20 -0500 Report

Don't do this Temi, this is my humor at play.
I have been married once and my ex-husband has been married twice.
We are on speaking terms and might even be considered casual friends
I call him on our anniversary to Tell him Happy Anniversary from his favourite ex-wife. I do it every year.

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-19 21:30:37 -0500 Report

I just need a break I think. For him and his moocher son to stay away for a few days. I like being alone now. Hugs Thank you

pixsidust 2012-07-19 23:06:25 -0500 Report

I think you deserve to be loved faithfully and by someone who treasures you. Someone who can see your kind heart, how smart that you are and speaks to you with respect. Someone who makes you feel safe and peaceful where you are not wondering when the next rude or dismissive comment is going to come. Someone who makes you feel all aglow.

Take a long break from this jerk of a man. Clear out the cobwebs, pain and the jaded feelings that come from so many let downs. As you discover yourself, as you heal, you may need to make room for love, the kind of love when someone treasures you… and you feel all aglow.

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-20 18:05:06 -0500 Report

I'd Love too but they wont leave me alone. I wished they would so I can move on. Btw I am going to quit smoking because for my health and to get a job in phlebotomy. Hugs Thank you for your kind words! :)

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-07-15 14:40:18 -0500 Report

Well, I would say that if you are not together and have truely moved on, then you need not say anything as any reply will give him the idea that maybe there is still a chance of getting together or if unable to let it go then I would just reply to the text "have a good day." If you are divorced then you don't celebrate the anniversary anyway. My in-laws have been divorced since my husband was 16 and my mother in law never dated or remarried again, I know pathetic and the attitude shows it, and she still says this would be our(insert #) anniversary. I tell her to let it go and move on please and that the anniversaries stopped when the divorce was final!!

Lizardfan 2012-07-14 22:54:51 -0500 Report

Toxic relationship~I'd call a drama free zone and tell the snake what he could do with is text. And not to bother again, moved on and mean it! Sorry, you can see I would have 0 tolerance for this type of behavior and not accept texts or any contact at all with this person.

pixsidust 2012-07-14 22:04:44 -0500 Report

I would ignore him. I would give him no acknowledgement unless you want to tell him to put his money where his mouth is. We know he has no money. Otherwise silence. You see you are working and "your income is attractive" to him.

You forgot to add that he cheated on you in your own home and had the girlfriend as well. There is no remorse only his financial need from him. I would not be taken in or flattered by anything this Loser does.I have called him a snake before and I will call him that again

Thats putting it to you straight but you know I love you

jigsaw 2012-07-14 19:31:57 -0500 Report

Just a gut feeling, I think it's time to move on! Although I'm married 33 years, this is my second marriage. I made a mistake the first time, and moved on to a good marriage with a wonderful woman. The divorce was painful and miserable, but boy am I glad today that I got it overwith.
Besides, I really hear this wife ( through all her pain and tears) saying she wants to move on.

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-14 20:56:13 -0500 Report

Yes she does want to move on. He is so clueless about all the damage he has done. He wont go and tell others the truth because he says he cant remember anything due to the drugs. He is facing some serious consequences of his own making thus reality is biting him really hard in the keister. She cares for him as a person but doesnt love him like a wife should anymore. He killed all of that. So now its just a waiting game I think for her. Once he is gone I believe she is going to make plans and act on them accordingly. He has no clue whatsoever. Yet tis his loss. Thank you Hugs

ston3xc 2012-07-16 18:54:59 -0500 Report

Don't believe him when he says he can't remember, thats just an excuse. Have her carry on, move on and don't look back. When I divorced my first husband, I moved into another state just so he wouldn't get the idea that we could get back together, Hugs to you!

Nick1962 2012-07-14 17:48:27 -0500 Report

Well, as a guy who's been divorced I can only say that sometimes when it's over, it's over and that "she" has to box that period of her life away and move on for her own good. Yes, my previous marriage had some very good times i remember fondly, but the last few years was like standing on the street after the parade was passed and gone. Nothing left to see but the poop from the horses. No more anniversaries, birthday dinners or other celebrations (in fact, I can't even remember when ours was anymore). It's time to find and make new, happy memories.
I suspect that text was just an insecure, childish attempt to mess with her head to see if he still could. Best to be ignored.
Hugs and best for you!

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-14 20:57:55 -0500 Report

Yes I agree with you. He keeps popping in her life and for now she is tolerating it til he goes away for awhile. How long she doesnt know yet. But I know she'd rather be alone than have to worry when the next shoe drops. Thank you Hugs

Nick1962 2012-07-15 10:11:39 -0500 Report

Hopefully she'll use the time to rebuild a new and better life, and he'll slowly learn that he has no place in it. Eventually each will go their separate ways and things will work out. There will always be those ties, but instead of binding ropes, they'll be just fragile threads. Best not to dwell on it now, and concentrate on the future. I think it was an old Navajo proverb that said "You cannot see the future with tears in your eyes."

Type1Lou 2012-07-14 17:16:10 -0500 Report

What else has he done to demonstrate good faith and regret for what he put wife through? If not much, it seems like he's doing this for himself rather than taking into consideration the hell the wife went through. If I were to proceed, it would be at arm's length and with great caution.

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-14 20:59:44 -0500 Report

He hasnt done nothing thus far. He at times I have seen it, badgers her into doing what he wants forgetting she sometimes simply cant. She does it sometimes just to get him to shut up is what she says. He hasnt told her one thing about any of the remorse he feels for what he has done. He says he cant remember which I think is a cop out IMO. Thank you Hugs

Type1Lou 2012-07-15 10:31:10 -0500 Report

Then I would run away as fast as I can…doesn't look like things have any chance of getting better IMHO.

Caroltoo 2012-07-14 11:32:37 -0500 Report

You have struggled so hard with this. You have given him opportunities to change. Sometimes he has tried and others he hasn't. Change in this case is necessary, because the situation could become lethal to you.

I think the text is recognition of what you have shared that was good. Cherish that for what is WAS, but make safe and happy choices for YOURSELF for today.

Yes, people can change and sometimes do, but do you want to risk your life (physical) or emotional health to see if it perhaps might happen in this case. Hugs.

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-14 21:01:42 -0500 Report

Yes I have and know what I need to do. Just not right now for I am strapped. But this wont be for long. Thank you Hugs

jimLE 2012-07-14 10:17:42 -0500 Report

id be weary of him.id also want to say no and move on.but then it apears to me that he wants to make things right with her.so she might give hime a 2nd chance by eating out with him only at first..and if things apear to be right while he apears to be on the up-n-up about things.then take the next step.(what ever that will be)her choice on that..and of course sit with him and let hime know they'll be liveing by her rules only at first..some ppl have gotton away from drugs and/or what ever and set things right with loved ones before.so i dont see any reason for it not to happen again..

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-14 21:02:27 -0500 Report

He has done this several times and back slid into what he turned into not the man she married. Thank you Hugs

jimLE 2012-07-14 22:41:35 -0500 Report

then if i were her id leave him.and have nothing else to do with him..on acount she's been more then fair about it.and also given him more chances then any one person deserves.time to move on and foward.i hope the best for her..smiles a big smile.

MAYS 2012-07-14 10:01:55 -0500 Report

Time will always move forward and so should one's life…
Move on, enjoy your life (and your memories if you choose to).
What's done is done…Holding on to the past clouds the present and delays your growth in the future, some memories (of things past) need to be buried!


old biker
old biker 2012-07-14 08:40:55 -0500 Report

That's a real hard one to answer. Trust is hard to replace once it's broken. But sometimes people get a wake up call and change for the better..I would hate to see you get hurt again after coming this far.
Life is so much about following your heart and dreams, unfortunately that path doesn't always lead us to where we want to go. The path of life has many forks in it and only you get to chose which one to follow..I wish you much good fortune in what ever choice you make my friend

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-14 08:49:43 -0500 Report

Well the choice I want to make is on hold due to not progressing on the job in phlebotomy. Will work on expanding the job options later. Plus I am taking care of his Dad, youngest son is at home temporarly, and thus in confusion. So thought if you was the one done this way, what would you do. Hugs

jayabee52 2012-07-14 08:24:54 -0500 Report

sounds like to me he was simply trying to get back into your good graces.

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-14 08:26:47 -0500 Report

If it was you done this way, would that work? or would you be weary of it all?

jayabee52 2012-07-14 08:34:14 -0500 Report

i would be weary of it all and wary of his motives. But then again, I am just a guy.

I was in a similar situation with my 1st marriage and I'd say almost anything to get her back, (at least for a while) until I saw the relationship for what it really was.

The only really good I got out of my 25 yrs with her were our 3 sons.

TsalagiLenape 2012-07-14 08:38:33 -0500 Report

Well there are no children with him. My children are from my first marriage. I am highly skeptical of his entreaties. I dont love him, trust him and that is his own fault. I asked straight question a month or so ago, about what he wanted. He wont answer. So I take that as an answer and he expects me to keep bailing him out of his own stupidity.