AGAIN, I find myself apologizing to all my friends here on DC! And ONCE AGAIN I am asking for your support!

By nanaellen Latest Reply 2012-04-20 09:25:48 -0500
Started 2012-04-11 00:00:38 -0500

It's probably been around a month that I've had time to write, I miss you all dearly! I had to take my husband to the hospital vomitting blood…they did a bronchoscopy and determined that his cancer is back and growing quickly…they give him 2 months. I'm trying to keep it together but everything is just piling on top of me! They are going to let him come home today and just keep him "comfortable". He's beat cancer twice and still he couldn't stop smoking!! NOW he wants to quit and NOW it's TOO LATE!! He saw 2 doctors who both told ME he has 2-6 months but he saw another doctor who wants to start radiation asap to pro-long or MAYBE stop the cancer again. I'm SO confused but I don't want this doctor to build up his hopes because through all of his cancers this is the ONLY time he's taken it seriously!! And poor Anthony is going to be a basket case! He's only 14 and his Papa has been his whole world!! His father terminated his parental rights when I adopted Anthony so in essence Papa IS his Dad!! All I could say to him was we'll get through this together and actually it's a good thing because he'll get to say goodbye and most people don't get that opportunity. I've notified the school so they can get him some grief counseling but not sure what else to do for him?. With all the skin cancer stuff going on with me and I have to take Anthony to see a specialist because the Dr. doesn't think he's growing properly I'm at a complete loss!! Things are just REALLY crazy and coming at me from all sides! Anthony is my pride and joy…I've had him since he was 3 months old and adopted him when he was 2 yrs old. and he's come such a LONG way…He has ADHD-attention deficit disorder…ODD-oppositional defiance disorder…sensory intigration disorder-he can actually pick and chose which of his senses he can shut off just like a SWITCH!! He also has seperation anxiety…and all this due to poor nutrition in his first 3 months of his life!! I FOUGHT his Dr when they wanted to put him on meds but after being SUSPENDED IN KINDERGARTEN 3 times in 2 months we put him on adderall…1st day on his meds and he came home STUDENT OF THE DAY!!!! Needless to say it has been an uphill struggle all the way! He's going to be in High School this Sept. and finally WITHOUT ANY special needs or anything he's doing A++ work in school now And every time I get him on track and doing great his "mother" comes along and does something just to mess with his head and we have to start ALL OVER AGAIN!! THIS time she saw me drive by her and knew I wasn't home and came to MY house and talked to him!! She told him that she got a lawyer and she was gonna get custody back and they were gonna move to Alabama!! And then MADE HIM PROMISE NOT TO TELL ME!! I of course told him that would NEVER happen…but REALLY???? i CAN'T GET A RESTRAINING ORDER OR A NO CONTACT ORDER cause there is no physical abuse or threat of "Emminent danger" EXACTLY HOW MUCH IS THIS POOR KID SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH??? HE'S SO WORRIED ABOUT HIS PAPA HE SAID TO ME TODAY "WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER NANA I KNOW YOUR UPSET TOO" I'm trying NOT to cry…not yet…gotta stay strong for the BOTH of them!! I know Mom always says God won't give you more than you can take but COME ON NOW REALLY????? Have to go for my OWN surgery on my eyelids and the middle of my forehead for the skin cancer on May 10th And on top of this I just realized I haven't TESTED in 3 days!!!! NOT GOOD NOT GOOD! PRAY FOR ME AND ANTHONY MY FRIENDS THAT'S ALL I HAVE LEFT TO SAY JUST PRAY FOR US!! Ellen tryin' to smile but can't today!

34 replies

cindygal1 2012-04-19 04:02:07 -0500 Report

I will keep you and your family in my Prays, and you can and will make it, you have to believe that. I have raised my Grandson since he was six months old and he is now 12. About five years ago he said down and wrote me a letter thanking me for everything that I had done for him. God tests us, and give us no more than we can handle. Be brave and you can and will make it for your Grandson sake.

annesmith 2012-04-16 01:20:30 -0500 Report

Oh…the stress you are going through right now..I will pray so very hard for you and your family..cancer..there's hope that maybe they will get rid of more of it …I feel so sorry for you that I'm already praying for all of you..remember that God is kind and very generous. Take your blood sugar more often now during this period..of course, you already knew that. Of course Anthony is your pride and joy, and again, I will pray really hard for all of you and feel free to write me if you need more people to talk to…very sincerely, ANNE

TsalagiLenape 2012-04-13 08:34:52 -0500 Report

Well here is a HUG for you sweetie pass it to Anthony too He needs one as well. Now tell Anthony that anything his "Mother" says is a form of mental abuse. IF he is getting therapy or counselling he can tell his counsel and with his Papa not doing good, this is a way to stop the "Mother" in her tracks. If its recorded and she is not in the best interest of his health and welfare then his counselor is required by law to report it. Hunny, I know you are tired, yet I know that Creator gave you all of this for He knows you are a very strong Lady even when you dont know it or feel up to the game. I know its rough yet stop, test yourself, make memories. Make a memory book while you can with Papa, Anthony and yourself Have some voice recordings for Anthony from Papa to keep him going and to help yourself. There is time still to do these things. I am praying that Creator helps all of you. You are in my heart now, thus my spirit will sing and pray to Creator to bless you, strengthen you and hold you all. Hugs

nanaellen 2012-04-15 12:06:46 -0500 Report

"Ant" isn't getting therapy or counseling right now but that sure is good to know!! I am going to be looking into counseling again for him…he pulls his hair out when he is worried or anxious…he's already pulls out his eyelashes and tried to pull out his eyebrows too! And his school counselor JUST told him about a memory book…never thought of the voice recording GREAT idea!! Thanks so much for all your caring and support I truely appreciate you!! Ellen :)

Set apart
Set apart 2012-04-13 08:07:14 -0500 Report

Hi Ellen, please know that we are with you through all of this. You have so much on your plate, but believe that God doesn't give you more then you can handle, although sometimes we have to wonder Why? He only wants us to know that through all of our trials he does come through for us if we only Believe! "Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you" 1Peter 5:7. With hugs and prayers!

nanaellen 2012-04-15 12:02:21 -0500 Report

Thank you so much for all your kind words! Through all the trials and tribulations of my life HE has always been there to pull me out of the depths of despair!! I'm just frustrated right now but I know that too will soon pass! Thanks again! Ellen

pixsidust 2012-04-12 23:13:52 -0500 Report

The burdens are heavy
———————So very heavy…
—————————-Weeping in silence…
———————————- Be the lifter of her head…
————————————————Be her strength…

Young1s 2012-04-11 19:57:47 -0500 Report

Oh Ellen, there's no need to apologize for any of this. These are some difficult and trying times that you're going through. I too believe that God doesn't give us more than we can bear. And even though it's really hard to picture what His plan is for you through all this, my hope is that He is about to do great works through you and wants you prepared. Sorry if that is of little comfort right now.

With the amount of stress the weight of all of this is putting on you, it's easy to put our needs on the back burner for the sake of others. But you need to stay on top of your care in order to fully be there for your family. And even though you don't want to cry, there's nothing wrong with finding a quiet place to release the feelings that are surely building up. Then come back home with even more of that determination to be strong for your family and yourself.

I'm praying for miracles in your lives and for you all to have the strength to get through this.

nanaellen 2012-04-15 11:57:26 -0500 Report

Yeah, I just got the same lecture from my pharmacist! She asked me if I've ever flown. I said No I'm terrified to fly. She said well you know when you get on a plane they tell you if there is ever an emergency and the oxygen drops down??? They tell you to put the mask on YOUR face FIRST so that you CAN help someone else AFTER!! I had never thought of it like that! So back to testing only to get discouraged again cause my #'s are really high again! Last night 371 and gonna go check again right now!

Young1s 2012-04-15 13:27:04 -0500 Report

Please don't take what I said as a lecture. It wasn't meant that way at all. I just want to encourage you to be mindful of what's going on with you. I know how disappointing it can be seeing a number that high. But it's better that you know exactly where your levels are, so that you can now take steps towards lowering it. It's important to you and the family. Take care my friend. I'm holding you in my prayers.

jayabee52 2012-04-11 16:55:00 -0500 Report

I see frequent advertisements for Cancer Treatment Centers of America on TV. They claim to be able to treat difficult and late stage cancers. Have you checked them out yet? You can check them out here ~

nanaellen 2012-04-14 13:52:19 -0500 Report

OOoohh I've missed my fountain of knowledge James!! Thanks again!! I'll check them out later on tonight!

jigsaw 2012-04-11 16:27:17 -0500 Report

Maybe a miracle will come your way. Don't give up and don't give in, only the Lord knows when ones time is up! Try not to let the negative words of a doctor that places a time limit on ones life be your gospel, or your husbands ! As long as there is life, there can be hope. Think positive, be positive, no matter how difficult, because you never really know !!! I have known people with cancer to come through after their doctors said impossible !

nanaellen 2012-04-14 13:50:34 -0500 Report

Thanks my friend! We definitely won't give up hope He seems to be willing to fight after all this! He told me he'll never give up fighting and he's sorry for doing this to me and Anthony…I told him I was sorry he did this to himself!! But we'll continue to fight ALWAYS!! Thanks my friend! :)

MAYS 2012-04-11 13:02:52 -0500 Report

No apologies are needed, we are all here to help and support one another.

I really don't know what to say, my only suggestion is to stay strong, rely on your faith for comfort and guidance, and let the powers that be take their course.
Try not to worry about that which you cannot control, and control that which you can.

We cannot predict the future, but we can steer our lives in the direction of the course that we would like for it to take!
As I always say, "The sun always shines above the clouds of a storm," all we have to do is to wait for the storm to end.

Your "smile" will be like a ray of sunshine on a cool summer day, when you find your heart full of joy and your face full of smiles, spread the joy with us!
My prayers are with you, and for you and yours.


nanaellen 2012-04-14 13:47:01 -0500 Report

Aaawww Thanks Mays! I'm a LITTLE better today it is what it is and I'll get through it thanks for all the support!

jayabee52 2012-04-11 12:25:43 -0500 Report

No need to apologise, Ellen! Seems like your cup of woe "runneth over". Sorry to hear all of that! I continue to pray for you and will add your husband and Anthony to my prayer list too! I am sorry you are going through that, It is true, however that God will not give you more than you can bear. But there have been times in my life I wished that God didn't have such a high opinion of my abilities to cope.

nanaellen 2012-04-14 13:45:01 -0500 Report

LOL Thanks James I needed that chuckle today! :) Yeah sometimes I wonder what I did so bad to deserve ALL this but it is what it is and I have to get through it for Anthony's sake if nothing else!! Because of everything else God is ALWAYS there in the end!

jayabee52 2012-04-19 06:24:36 -0500 Report

I don't look on it as punishment. As a child of God our Father may discipline but does not punish us for bad stuff we've done or said. In Romans 8:1 we are told "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." English standard Version (ESV)

When I was going through some particularly tough times in my life a few years back, a person in the church I was attending quoted Romans 8:28, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (ESV)

I really didn't want to hear that at all at that time. I just wanted that time of trouble to end!

But once I got past that time in my life I could see and begin to understand what the heavenly Father was up to in that time in my life. I could see he was preparing me for things which would happen perhaps years down the road.

MAYS 2012-04-11 12:46:56 -0500 Report

James, you are like the "Rock of Gibraltar" or "Atlas holding up the heavens" … Take a look around at all that you have kept steady and secure during your life, your abilities weren't being tested, they were being strengthened for future use here at DC!

jayabee52 2012-04-11 14:01:06 -0500 Report

Thanks mays, I have come to think of it that way as well. But when I was going through those times I had wished that I hadn't been tested quite so hard is all. Most folks don't like to go through a time of testing, but it does strengthen us for a time further down the line when we may need it.

Teresa Rose
Teresa Rose 2012-04-11 08:20:02 -0500 Report

Sweet Ellen I am praying for you. I can identify with what you are going through. My step-dad passed away from lung cancer a few years ago. It was really hard watching him die. He had the chemo but it just sent the cancer to his bowels and then it was all down hill from there. I have been raising my grandson since he was born. I have complete guardianship of him until he turns 18. He has asbergers syndrome. He is super smart but he has social issuues that we always have to work on. He gets A+s too. He gets no attention from his dad and very little from his Mom. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and good luck with your surgery and I will be praying. - Bless You Dear !!! - Teresa Rose

nanaellen 2012-04-14 13:41:53 -0500 Report

Thank you Teresa, My husband BEAT cancer twice already!! He had a whole lung removed the first time but refused to give up the cigs. Then he beat it again with Chemo and radiation in the middle of his windpipe and came home from the hosp. smoking! Now it's working it's way towards the GOOD lung and has already blocked off half of his airway. He says he'll never smoke again but I fear NOW it may be too late! I think it took Anthony's naive responses that finally got to him…"Ant" sat on his hosp. bed and looked at me and said "Am I old enough to go to a funeral?? Cause I've never been to a funeral before." My husband had to look away from him and I just told Ant that it was too soon to talk about that kind of stuff. And yes he was old enough to go to a funeral. I think THAT finally shook my husband up enough to do something about it but as I said I think it may be too late. They think Ant's brother may have asbergers too, sounds like we're in the same boat! I will keep you in my prayers also! You must have the patience of a saint! Your friend, Ellen

pixsidust 2012-04-11 07:28:13 -0500 Report

My friend
My arms wrap around you with the love and care I have for you
I know you can not feel that for your world is overwhelmed
We can not carry all the world has for us to carry
for this world is a fallen one, and not perfect
All that is in it is not good and all of it is not part of God's perfect will
Things like cancer and bad mother's exist
You certainly can not carry this
But can do all things through Christ who strengthens you

You have our friendship to stand at the right and the left of you.
You have our prayers for your family.
I lift you up, each one
When you adopted Anthony, it completely severed all rights
his Mother would ever have, so getting him back
will never be an option, no matter how many lawyers she has.
His birth certificate will even list you as his Mother now
and it would be like she is a stranger on the street to the courts.
So it would be if you filed for an order of protection for harassment

I guess right now the horrible prospect of loss
is what is truly shaking the world for both you and Anthony
While there is not guarantees, I encourage him and you to try

God performed a couple of miracles that were against all odds
My grandmother was given hours to live
Her heart, lungs, kidneys and brain were all shutting down
They were doing nothing for her as she was a NO Code
We prayed my sister and I for our grandmother
whose dying body was have such violent seizures
blood squirted from her nose and blood pressure was 50/0
All night we prayed and in the morning her body turned on all at once.
She was mad at us a couple days later
having seen her family members waiting for her
she heard us calling her back.
I believe she will be waiting for me
and so will your husband be there for you when time comes
We had her for two more years, feisty as ever
God gave us that miracle.
I do not know if you will have that same miracle
but with God all things are possible…

I ask for a miracle of healing for Ellen's husband
Satan I come against you and all cancerous spirits
We command you to dry up and die in this man
No more will you take up residence here
Jesus heal him
Give Ellen strength when she feels none
Give Anthony courage
and circle them all in your love and in your hope
In Jesus Name

nanaellen 2012-04-14 13:29:39 -0500 Report

You are so kind…we are keeping hopeful but every time I hear him have a coughing fit it scares the beegeesus out of me!! He insists that he'll never give up fighting. Thank you so much for your prayers can't begin to tell you how much it helps my soul!! :)

Caroltoo 2012-04-11 03:36:55 -0500 Report

Ellen, this is such a heavy load for you to carry! I'm so very sorry to hear this is all happening to you. Will definitely hold you up in prayer, all three of you actually. I'm loosing my spouse to illness also and, yes, you are perceptive to say its a good thing forAnthony (and you) to have some time to adjust to this scenario. Anthony sounds like he is doing so very well in school; maybe that will give him something solid to hold on to. You are certainly another solid rock in his life, Ellen, but you also have your own grief to deal with. Carol

nanaellen 2012-04-14 13:25:17 -0500 Report

Yeah it's getting tougher by the day having to explain things to "Ant" he already has SO much to deal with! Sorry to hear of your spouse too. Thanks for the prayers we'll def. take ALL of them! :)