PLEASE HELP!

margokittycat
By margokittycat Latest Reply 2012-04-06 12:52:31 -0500
Started 2012-04-03 22:31:25 -0500

Hello everyone. I just came home from a Schoolboard meeting for our christian school that is ran along side our church. I am on the schoolboard and a week and a half ago we had a special voters meeting to discuss if we shoulf leave our school open or close it. Ultimately the voters decided to keep it open. In the weeks before the special meeting as a schoolboard memeber I was asked to gather information and have it ready for the voters meeting and did this. I presented the information I was asked to gather and one church member stood up and made a comment on the information and I stood back up to give a response to what he had said and was told by him that he still had the floor for which he did not.

Tonight we met and this man showed up and his daughter is a sunday school teacher for me at the church she has been coming to sunday school 15-20 minutes late every week for two months, which means the kid's automatically join the other classroom for sunday school. Four weeks ago thier house caught fire. Most everything was smoke damaged. I was never told by his daughter that her sunday school materials where damaged, which as the Sunday School superintendant I should have been told so I could get her new materials for the rest of the year. Last week was when I found out about this so I had called after my other three sunday school teacher had told me of the situation and offered to have her be in the room with them and let her kids learn with the others. I never recieved a call back. Sunday I was running off copies of puzzles for the kids and she again was not there so I wanted her kids to know to go down stairs and meet and that would be where the met for the rest of the year. I was down helping since she was not there and she apparently showed up and I did not know it seen the note and went home and told her dad the guy from above that I kicked her out of teaching.

Her dad showed up tonight at the meeting and waited until it was over and the pastor, I and her dad went to another room to discuss this I told her dad I had called last tuesday and left a message and never heard back form anyone, he told me I never called. Then He told me that the information that I gave at the voters meeting I lied about that I had never talk to the people I said I did. I told him yes I did call and if you claim I did not because it did not show my number on your caller ID then it showed up private or unknown because I called from my cell phone while at the bank when one of the teacher had told me about the materials.

This guy has been a member of the church for years as has my husband, but I have only been a member for three years. He and his family treat my children and I like crap because we don't come from money and aren't all stuck up and snippy like they are. I refuse to let them drive me out of the church that I belong to and love. That I do a lot of volunteering at and they do none.

What do I do. I have anxiety over all this and the stress is rediculouse when I did nothing wrong and did everything I stated in church in front of god that I did.

Please help


42 replies

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-04-05 20:56:35 -0500 Report

I attend a lot of meetings. When people give a presentation, a question and answer period follows. In order for the man to have the floor, he should have been recognized by the president or whom ever was conducting the meeting. If he was still standing when you stood up, he was correct. He still had the floor and you were out of order.

As the Sunday School Superintendent, have you put in place a policy that addresses lateness? For instance she should call someone to inform them she is going to be late. If she doesn't follow policy you can replace her with someone else. Also if no one has spoken to her about her lateness, why complain about it? After all you can't leave the barn door open and complain that all the animals got out.

The people had a fire or somehow had smoke damage because of a fire next to them. The very last thing on my mind would have been Sunday School Materials. Preparedness is the key here. Why aren't there extra packets of materials readily available?

Thankfully, I don't participate in organized religion. There is entirely too much drama in churches because there is always that one person who seems to want to be in charge of everything or the one person who spreads all kinds of gossip and keeps the soap opera drama going.

You are involved in a he said/she said drama. Get out of it because it is a no win situation. So this man said something about you. Who cares? People are going to believe what they want to believe and those who know you will know what you did or did not do based on what someone says about you. This man started this problem out of self importance and he knew you would buy into it so he has you exactly where he wants you. You are not going to win because even if you prove him wrong he has Plan B in the works. His plan is to get rid of you and unless you stand your ground and stand up to him, he will get rid of you. It won't be that hard for him to do. All he has to do is wear you down to the point you step down or leave the church.

This man treats you and your children like crap because you allow it. No one can mistreat you without your permission. They have a superior attitude not because of money but because they have been bullying people for years and has gotten away with it because not one person has stood up against them.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why people care about what someone says about them. I follow this rule, you don't feed me, put a roof over my head, put clothing on my back or pay my bills. You are not the last person I see before going to sleep and you are not the first person I see in the morning so I don't care one iota what you say about me. People are going to talk about you no matter who you are or what you do. How you react tells them just how much control they have over you.

margokittycat
margokittycat 2012-04-06 09:46:53 -0500 Report

Just Joyce, Thank you for the post. I read it carefully.

Yes, there are rules in place about tardiness and also about calling. As the Sunday School Superintendant, they are to call me, yet she never does, not even when she can not be there to teach, she calls another teach and that teacher let's me know that they are teaching for that week. I have spoken to her about this and it does no good. I am not going to do anything about it she can finish out the year which ends next month due to all my teachers having graduations, weddings, mother's day ect. going on. If she would leave all the books there other than one teacher's guide this would not have happened to begin with. I do understand where yo are coming from about it being the last thing someone would think about with the situations, but as a responsible person I have to disagree. In 2002 out home caught fire and burnt to the ground, it happened on the day that my youngest step son had confirmation questioning, I made sure that I got everything he needed for that as did he. Several others pitched in and help out as well as did they for the above event. As I stated if she had told me eve the week after the smoke damage that the materials where ruined, I could have had new ones for her before that Sunday.

I am going to stand my ground and this family is not going to do this to my children or myself any longer. I am done trying.

I am going to let them say what they want, I know the truth and my friends and other church members know the truth as well and the Good Lord Above knows. This family will get there's in the end when they meet thier maker.

He will not get me out of my position in the church because I will not let that happen.

Thank you so much for all your input.

Margo

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-04-06 11:08:55 -0500 Report

So sorry to hear about your house but glad to know everyone is safe and you are back on your feet. A few years ago a neighbor with no power and major mental health problems got into a fight with her boyfriend. He set their house on fire and burned 5 houses. I was out in the snow with my sister praying our house would be spared. We got smoke damage. The city did not turn off the water to the burned homes and the pipes burst. Water runs down hill so our basement flooded and we had no heat for a week in temps below 30 degrees. I was busy fighting with the city to get the water shut off and didn't think of too much after that.

The reason this woman did not call you to tell you she was going to be late or not coming in is because she had no respect for you or your position. The other teachers should be instructed to tell anyone calling them to contact you. All they would have to do is leave a message on your voice mail.

As a former manager of 5 women, I know it isn't an easy job to have. Everyone but one person felt the policies and procedures were not meant for her. The day I wrote her up she was angry. The second time I did it she was even angrier. The third time she got suspended from work for a day. She asked me why I did what I did. I told her polices and procedures help the department run smoothly. You are a slacker and everyone is picking up your work and it is unfair to them. I also told her she thought she could play her game with me which in turned forced me to show her that game playing isn't something I am good at because I don't have time for it. We are friends to this day but she never learned her lesson. At 62 years old she still thinks playing games with people and using them is the right thing to do.

Margo. always remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do what you feel in your heart is right for you will be criticized. You will be damned if you do and damned if you don't". People won't like you for any number of reasons. Don't stress yourself out over it.

I am not a firm believer of people getting theirs in the end when they meet their maker. They suffer for what they have done to others long before they die. They suffer through sickness, loss of friends and money and in many other ways. Karma will always get you long before you die in one way or another. This family may be looking down their noses at you. Believe me someone else is looking down their noses at them. Stand strong and firm and never let them get you down. They win when they know they can make you unhappy. I am the kind of person who would smile and speak to them simply because it would let them know I am the bigger person.

margokittycat
margokittycat 2012-04-06 11:27:14 -0500 Report

Joyce, I am sorry to hear about your house. Good that it was just smoke damage, but the flooding and broken pipes would stink. I know our basement did that a few years a go what a mess. Then a few weeks ago our septic system started backing up. Cleaned it again but now have to put new carpet down.

I am going to take you up on that advise and speak to them and they won't know what to do then. What is the saying: "Kill Them With Kindness" that is what I shall do.

Thank you so much.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-04-06 11:47:01 -0500 Report

Margo it was horrible the basement of the house next to me had water so high it was a foot from the basement ceiling. I spent two days fighting with the city to get the water shut off. Finally my city council representative joined the battle and we got immediate action. Took the furnace the rest of the week to dry out. Wouldn't it be nice if houses could fix themselves?

Funny story. I worked for a non profit that rented space to a woman who also owns a non profit. I worked the reception desk because there wasn't office space for me. I asked a visitor to sign in and the visitor told the woman who rented space. She came out and screamed at me at the top of her lungs. She balled up her fist and was going to hit me. When she realized I was not going to back down she changed her mind. I almost got fired even though I never said a word to the woman until she was going to hit me. Every day after that I spoke to her when she came in the building. I did this for three months. By then I was in an office next to the front door. She came in and told me she got a major grant like I cared. When the grant I was working under expired, she ran to my office and said I heard you were leaving. I said yes. She gave me a job.

I really don't like her. She is a snob and can't stand poor people. Yet she does outreach for those in need. This woman grew up with nothing. Saw her father shoot her mother in the back with birdshot. How can you call yourself an outreach worker when you can't stand the people she works to help and is a strong believer in God? You never forget where you came from and you don't look down on those who have less just because you managed to pull yourself out of poverty and get an education which allowed you to get a high paying job. You never know when you will end up back where you were and in today's economy that can happen sooner than you think.

margokittycat
margokittycat 2012-04-06 12:52:31 -0500 Report

I am glad to hear that you did the right thing and stood up for yourself. Yes it wuld be great if homes could repair themselves. It is very true yo never forget where you grewup and she may someday ended up right back where she started from.

Teresa Rose
Teresa Rose 2012-04-04 17:55:03 -0500 Report

Margo, Stand your ground. Don't try to prove anything, you know what is right. You can't prove anything to someone that's in the wrong because they know that you are right and they don't want to admit it. Hold your head up and continue to stand. Chances are that others already know who is the wrong one here. Don't let it stress you out either. Be proud, your didn't do anything wrong. Give the girl another chance to get there on time and be a good teacher. Offer to help her in any way that you can but let her know that she has to get there on time because these kids are relying on her and let her know not to let them down. Be kind and loving and show her Christ in you by turning this thing around with love. I know it may be hard to do but believe me it will work. - Bless you Margo - Teresa Rose

margokittycat
margokittycat 2012-04-04 19:51:40 -0500 Report

I told her dad last night that we in no way kicked her out and that those kid's rely on her and lover her. We want to help her and that is why we wanted her to be wth her kid's down satirs witht he other children where she is still helping them learn about god, but there are materials for her to use instead of having nothing.

I found it rather funny this morning because the gal form ESU2 that I talked to to get all the information I was given confirmed called me and said this he called her ans asked her if I had spoken with her and gotten information on IEP's and the steps to do if the child was outside of the school district we are in.

My husband said I should call him and telling him thanks for having my back, but I won't do that. As you said I walk with my head up because I know I did what I was to do.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-04-04 16:44:33 -0500 Report

Some people just like drama in their lives and it sounds like he is one of them. Sometimes you cannot convince a person that the grass is green no matter how hard you try and how many things you get to back up what you say. It is still his perception and as long as you know in your heart that you did what you said you did, then there is nothing more to do. He wants the fight, he wants the attention. Let him have it by just keeping calm and continue to do what you know is right and good. It will all come back to bite him...in the end.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-04-05 20:58:06 -0500 Report

Gabby that is so true. You know what they say Karma is. When Karma strikes it can get ugly fast. I sit back and let Karma work for me and I enjoy every minute of it.

TsalagiLenape
TsalagiLenape 2012-04-04 07:17:08 -0500 Report

Not sure what to say after all the other replies. Yet I would say give it to the Creator for He knows your heart, spirit, and mind. Ask him to help you overcome this along with doing what others said. Sad to see this happening. I sure do miss my true church home but alas its in another state. Hence I dont go to any Churches in this town of mine. For I know many judge when they shouldnt. Hugs

pixsidust
pixsidust 2012-04-04 00:44:18 -0500 Report

Your cell phone company should be able to give you a printed log of calls made. Get one for the day you called. Sit down with your Pastor and show him this. I would also ask him how to deal with this spirit of dissension this man is sowing as well as lies…evidenced by your phone records. Have someone witness what you do in regards to his child and himself then you have power in numbers. Have two teachers call etc…
Talk to the previous person in your role and ask them if they dealt with the same issues. Read up on a Jezebel Spirit. I think you are dealing with one here.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-04-05 21:05:59 -0500 Report

pixi I would not go through all of that. The accuser is the one who has to provide proof. For instance if he sued her for something, he would have to provide proof. Why give him ammunition? All she should do is let him talk and do his dirty deeds. Sooner or later he will realize he can no longer get her to react to him and he will leave her alone. Even if she does provide proof to the pastor, this isn't going to stop this man. He is simply going to come up with something else. The best thing for her to do is let it go or prepare for battle and if she decides to fight him, sh has a very long road to travel because he isn't going to stop. He will find something else to do to her or say about her. This man is in a power struggle with those around him. He isn't going to stop bothering anyone in the church unless someone is strong enough to stand up to him.

margokittycat
margokittycat 2012-04-04 07:22:18 -0500 Report

Thank you pixie dust. I showd them my cell phone last night where it showed the call on it. I have a witness one of the other teacher who was there when I called.

I was still called a lier by him.

The old sunday school superintendant never had this issue as she is now one of my sunday school teachers.

All I can do is pray.

Caroltoo
Caroltoo 2012-04-04 00:16:46 -0500 Report

I'm going to second James' response, Margo. I've been in congregations where similar things have happened and they are terribly painful. I've often said I have no problem with God, but I really wonder sometimes about some of his children (and … shh … I'm a pastor's wife). I can't fathom why people feel they need to attack others instead of trying to resolve issues peacefully.

margokittycat
margokittycat 2012-04-04 07:15:42 -0500 Report

Carol thank you. I know, in a small community we should all get along, but this particular family comes and thinks they are greater than the almighty.

I am just going to continue to pray about it.

Caroltoo
Caroltoo 2012-04-04 11:51:45 -0500 Report

The getting along is a good theory that is really difficult to implement at times, especially when you seem to be the only one interested in doing so! Keep your cool, Margo. Like most stuff, it will pass, just wish it hadn't happened in the first place.

jayabee52
jayabee52 2012-04-03 23:48:36 -0500 Report

I am sorry that you went through that, Margo!

I have been quite deeply involved in the same denomination to which your congregation belongs for quite a number of years. In fact I grew up in that denomination.

Sounds like something like happened in small rural congregation near Bancroft Nebraska in which my first wife taught the lower grades.

Unfortunately there's not a lot one can do to deal with people like that. And I hear that from people belonging to other denominations too. Small minded people get some power and they seem to wield that power without mercy. (I am speaking in general terms, not speaking to any specific circumstance. — it is not fair of me to comment on the particulars of this specific situation as I was not privy to what happened.)

All I can say is pray to your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ that something God-pleasing will eventually come out of this. One cannot do more unless one prays about it.

Praying God's blessings upon you and yours! Also that this situation may be resolved peacably and in a God-pleasing way.

James

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-04-05 21:18:09 -0500 Report

James I was a member of a church for all of 6 months. Until my girlfriend got married. After the wedding an small reception at the church, the couple was having a big cookout for the family and friends at the grooms parents house for those who could not make the wedding. I went to the kitchen to help clean and pack the remaining food for them to take to the cookout. She had ordered a whole sheet cake that was left over. The ministers daughter came into the kitchen and picked up the cake and made this announcement. "Since my father married them, we are entitled to this cake" I asked her what were the odds she would get that cake out the door? She looked perplexed when I said if you think you are taking that cake you have lost touch with reality. Needless to say that was my last day in that church. I walked her over to the rectory and chewed her out. The daughter hasn't spoken to me in over 20 years. The minister and his family are my cousins. The groom is my cousin also.

His daughter thought that because her father was the minister, she controlled everything in that church and she got away with it because she was the ministers daughter. People would run when they saw her coming. That is until she met me. My aunt was a member of that church for years long before our cousin became the minister. She said she was wondering how long this girl would act like she did before someone said something to her. I was surprised my aunt hadn't said something.

You are so very right there are people who once given a tiny bit of power, think that tiny bit of power is more powerful than the universe and they wield it in the worse ways.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-04-03 23:35:23 -0500 Report

Well, what would the good book tell you to do? I know you already know the answer:)
Remind them (a good human being and not just christian),you are here to help one another and try to get past it and start new.

Good luck

jayabee52
jayabee52 2012-04-04 00:54:55 -0500 Report

Unfortunately with the small minded people about which I wrote are usually interested in POWER and in what ways they can wield it and how they can get more for themselves.

I have come to believe that there are mentally ill people in positions of power in small congregations, and any attempt to reason with them is just wasting one's breath and time.

I have been deeply hurt by some of them and I have tried reasoning with them till I've been blue in the face, yet to no avail. I then just leave them in the hands of the Almighty and ask that He heal them of their problems. I didn't want to be dragged into their mental illness, so as self-protection I severed the relationship with them.

margokittycat
margokittycat 2012-04-04 07:11:18 -0500 Report

I have never had a relationship whith in of them, as they think they are the biggest and bestest there is. It just really frustrates me with what was said my husband said talk to pastor about it and I won't do that because pastor will want to have all of us set down together and discuss the matter and it will just leave me talking tell as you said I am blue in the face, and they will take there High and mighty attitude.

But I will as I have been just keep praying for them and leave it at that.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-04-06 11:22:41 -0500 Report

Margo you are correct. This is a form of sick entertainment for them and it puts them in the spotlight even if it is negative.

We had a meeting like that with a woman in the community group who kept something going. One day I got a call from the Mayors office asking about someone who worked at our Mayor's Station. I gave the person a rave review (sadly we lost him in February and I truly miss him. I know he is making heaven a happy place) The day after the meeting where we hashed things out, we had another community meeting. A man stood up and accused me of something regarding the call from the Mayor's office. How he found out is still a mystery. This woman piped in and demanded access to my email account. I sat their and let them talk. When it was my turn, I was so angry that I said what I had to say about the both of them. People were shocked that I said what I said (I have a big mouth and will say what I think and feel when provoked) The person I gave the rave review spoke up and said the call was about me and she answered the questions asked of her. It had nothing to do with anyone but the three people involved. That was about 10 years ago and this woman has never returned to community meetings. She lost all of her power that day or the power she thought she had.

No matter what you say or the pastor says to them, they are not going to stop because they don't think any rules apply to them. Narcissistic people are only concerned with themselves and care nothing about anyone else. They will always keep some kind of drama going so they can be in the spotlight. Ignore them and sooner or later they will stop or move on to someone else. They always go after those they think are weak.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-04-04 16:46:40 -0500 Report

Humility is the best defense...keep humble. Keep calm. Keep on the side of right and let those who love the arrogance and power of money be who they are. You know who will be safe in the end and that is all that matters.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-04-06 11:12:43 -0500 Report

Very true Gabby. Even if they were all put together to hash out the problem, these people will simply change tactics and find something else to do to her or someone else.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-04-04 15:16:11 -0500 Report

I would try having the with the pastor and if he feels like having them join in, then so be it, at least you will know you did all you could and then move on. I think by leaving it as is, you will not get over it and it could affect your position.

margokittycat
margokittycat 2012-04-04 15:37:54 -0500 Report

Thank you red flower lady, I have been pondering that most of the day. I am going to talk to the pastor tonight after confirmation class is over.

tabby9146
tabby9146 2012-04-04 10:22:12 -0500 Report

church divisions are the worst. The situation with my church is very different, because we had no school, (we are going to though in Aug. ) but it reminded me of the big split we had, three years ago and how awful some people can be, there were people I had known all and most of my life, respected them, and watched them act the way they did. Fortunately those people are gone now, some of these were the church gossipers and they are in every congregation, we are still a very small one ,but we have peace now and have for a long time. I totally agree with Jayabee the things he said too, they are true. We felt the ramifications long after they had left. Things are really good now though and they will work out I am sure.

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