Needing to vent....am I being unreasonable?

LeilaB
By LeilaB Latest Reply 2012-03-29 14:39:53 -0500
Started 2012-03-20 22:44:57 -0500

When I was diagnosed 4 months ago, I stopped buying and making certain foods,such as cake and most cookies. I would only buy the ones that my husband likes but I don't so that I wouldn't feel tempted. This strategy was working just fine, but now my in-laws are living with us. My father-in-law is diabetic, but in denial and unwilling to give up any kinds of food.(This is altogether another story…) but my mother-in-law made a huge cake this afternoon. I have been really struggling this week with my desire to eat cookies and cake, and this just was too much to have a chocolate cake sitting right there. I know myself and I'm terrified that I won't be able to resist. It felt really insensitive that she did this, and I ended up snapping on her and then again on my husband when he ate the cake tonight. I'm feeling like they don't care if it is hard for me, and I don't understand it. They are both caring people, but in this way, I feel like my feelings don't matter. It is really possible that I'm the one being unreasonable, and that of course they should have the right to cake. So far, I have stayed far away from the thing, but I know it is there and it bothers me. I'm sorry for this long post, but I'm just so fed up tonight and I even though I shouldn't have snapped on my husband just for eating cake, I don't want to apologize. Have you ever been in this situation?


90 replies

MrsCDogg
MrsCDogg 2012-03-29 14:39:53 -0500 Report

I agree with everyone else. Maybe if you had a heart to heart with everyone in the house and told them how you feel. Sit them all down and say look it's hard enough for me to control this disease as it is. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't bring such things in the house. If you feel like you need something sweet then go out to a restaurant and eat it and please don't bring it home! Surely they would care enough about you to abide by your wishes. Since it is after all your house.

BobbieNJ1000
BobbieNJ1000 2012-03-27 00:25:15 -0500 Report

Sending them out for dessert sounds like a great idea, and controlling what is in the house is absolutely imperative for me. No cake, brownies, or yummy cookies at my place - too tempting. I used to have a little ice cream, so I could have a very small dish, but I'd want it every night so it's easier not to have it in the house.

Maybe a compromise of serving dessert once a week, and only buy or make enough for one round. (And make it something that's not your favorite!)

Young1s
Young1s 2012-03-27 09:06:38 -0500 Report

Good idea. No left overs or extra portions so it's not sitting there with an imaginary locator beacon flashing above it.

Jim Edwards
Jim Edwards 2012-03-26 14:42:19 -0500 Report

I found the best way for me to manage my diabetes is at the store. If I don't buy it, I can't eat it. If you do the shopping for the whole clan, shop as if it is for yourself. If they want the junk food so bad, let them fo and get it. Sorry, but I am in your corner. It is still your house and if you are the cook, you determine the food. They can go out to the local restaurant for desert if they want to do so.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-03-28 09:02:55 -0500 Report

This is the best plan of attack! I do this for the most part, but dang...those temptations can crop up there as well. But if it is not around the house we all stand a much better chance.

JSJB
JSJB 2012-03-26 03:55:46 -0500 Report

I am in the same boat as you. There are 4 other people living in this household and I do not expect them to change their eating habits for me. I do let them know what could happen with them eating all the pastas, breads and sodas. The other day my wife made lasagna(type it like I say it) and they bugged me to come in for a piece. I got tired of them asking so I picked up my test kit and sat down as if I were going to test. The looks on their faces was worth it. I did not stop eating foods because of this condition I only eat them once in awhile usually when we are on a trip. My condition is not as severe as others so I cheat a little. Sugar Free, nothing is sugar free. read the label, there is alway some type of sweetner in it. I use to count carbs only but now I look at sugar content. It seems to be working.

Young1s
Young1s 2012-03-26 07:08:33 -0500 Report

I count the carbs, protein, fiber & sugar content. It's scary sometimes, when going over a meal plan for the day or week, how quickly those sugar carbs can add up. Just so you know, if your fiber and sugar carbs don't add up to the total carbs, then the remaining carbs are those not so hidden ingredients that are additives and filler.

lionspaw
lionspaw 2012-03-25 15:39:44 -0500 Report

You don't have to give up the Cake just buy the Sugar Free version.I believe Pillsbury has a sugar-free cake mix and then a sugar free recipe to make for the icing. You can use Stevia or Splenda in place of the sugar.

nathaniel97nh
nathaniel97nh 2012-03-24 12:51:50 -0500 Report

I Am Going To Shoot My Self I LOVE CAKE So GoodBye World Hello Cake

jayabee52
jayabee52 2012-03-24 17:49:11 -0500 Report

Please don't shoot yourself Nathaniel!

You CAN have a small amount of cake if you make allowances in your carbohydrate load it brings in other ways. For instance skip bread for that meal or other higher carb foods you might be eating.

You can eat cake as a person with diabetes (PWD) as long as you don't eat the whole thing in one or two sittings

Plus if you shoot yourself and make yourself dead, I know one thing, You'll not be able to eat any more cake!

bearladylee
bearladylee 2012-03-23 15:58:56 -0500 Report

I have found that being around people who are not diabetic just don't understand and some who are just seem to be in denial. I have been baking with splenda and eating some cookie with low sugar such as 8 grams or less. I eat no sugar added ice cream. I can't seem to stop my sugar cravings so I try to eat less sugar. I have not had a soda in months or a candy bar. My sugar reading run from 120-140. I think that is good some people say under 150 is good. Can't tell you if what I am doing is good or bad. As I have not taken classes for it but I do feel your pain.

troublemaker27
troublemaker27 2012-03-23 15:22:27 -0500 Report

well since i have type two diabetes i don't eat donuts,candy or cookies except for healthy foods.
i'm losing weight which is good.
because i'm 34 going on 35 in june.
so wish me all the luck and a cure for diabetics

loisanne53
loisanne53 2012-03-23 14:36:30 -0500 Report

You are not being unreasonable. Relationships are tough even in the best of situations but when you are struggling to take care of your own health issues they are even harder. We are caring for our adult son who is Type 1 and has hemochromatosis. he recently sprained his ankle badly and is struggling to get up and move around so we are doing most everything for him. He is not the most good natured person anyway but the added stress is taking a toll on all of us. He lost his temper this morning and I lost mine! Over something that is not important at all. We all face problems with the people closest to us and all you can do is try to take care of yourself the best you can.
You can't be responsible for someone else's attitude toward their health…what you can do is encourage and move on. Maybe your mother-in-law would agree to put the sweets out of your sight?

BobbieNJ1000
BobbieNJ1000 2012-03-26 23:59:31 -0500 Report

Amen to that! I picked a fight with a good friend this weekend - and realized belatedly that high BG was affecting my mood in a big way. Little things can set me off pretty easily when I'm high. One more thing to make relationships tough.

watson4042
watson4042 2012-03-23 13:46:46 -0500 Report

you've had some terrific replies. i'd talk to them about the temptations. but i'd also remove all real sugar, etc. and sub in splenda. it is your home and they should try to abide by your rules for healthy eating.

roshy
roshy 2012-03-23 10:24:43 -0500 Report

Well if you cant vent here, where can you vent???

everyone here understands how hard it is when you have to restrict yourself from certain simple pleasures and how frustrating it can be when others play blind to how hard it can be when they start munching on cookies and cake infront of you but you have to remember we are all diabetics living in a non diabetic world and this unfortunitly will happen day in and day out!

try and be proud of yourself that you are accepting and making the right step in taking control and baking your own cakes and cookies! You are not ignoring the fact that you need to live differently in order to stay healthy!! being angry about it is normal and venting is all part of the proccess!! ive been diabetic now for 8 years and last year i turned celiac which is a pain in the arse when trying to hunt out a safe lunch to eat esp in college!! but just yesterday i had a little burst of anger when there was a bake sale on with every cake you can imagine on display and not one of them was gluten free!! i think every student in the building heard me scream " WHY CANT THEY HOLD A BAKE SALE EVERYONE CAN FXXCKIN ENJOY!!!" oohhh the looks i got !! but afterwards i felt happy (letting out my anger and the sugar and gluten filled world ) and just got on with it!! i suppose i feel happy in myself because i know if i really wanted cake and cookies i could have them but id be only damaging my health!! so making good positive choices makes life easier !!

So the only advice id give you is keep making the right decisions and it pays off!! and your only 4 months into the diabetic club ; it DOES get easier!! i promise!!

Bets of luck !

tomecom
tomecom 2012-03-23 09:02:38 -0500 Report

LeilaB: I have been diabetic for 16 years and my wife still buys things that I struggle with not eating. Real support is rare.
What you need to do is remove your diabetes caused cravings. What I did was started taking a good quality multivitamin every day-one that is extracted from organic sources-not synthetic. I learned that because of irregular blood sugars we are deficient in up to 10 primary vitamins and minerals, half of which, are instrumental in controlling our diabetes. Some of them cause cravings, especially for sweets.

The vitamin and mineral deficiencies cause amino acid deficiencies, which control emotions/depression, weight control, glucose and insulin regulation, digestion, immune responses, and thousands of other functions.

I sleep better, never get depressed any more, I can control my diabetes better, and my weight is more stable. I also eat a fresh ground clove of garlic in my food everyday (not cooked), and no I don't smell like garlic if I use a mouthwash. I never get sick anymore, even when the other members of my home are very sick.

Stop buying prepared foods. You will not only help yourself, but the other diabetics in the house as well. They contain additives that cause inflammation-our enemy. Also stop eating all wheat, because it creates a false insulin that blocks the function of our normal insulin, It will cause weight gain because of it.

Stop buying sodas and colas, because they are made from distilled water, which strips your body of trace minerals. They also contain additives that are inflammatory. They are made with artificial sweeteners that cause dehydration.

You also need to make certain that you are hydrated. We become dehydrated because of high blood sugars. That causes control issues. Drink enough water each day that your urine is light in color ,but not clear. You might start by drinking a glass of filtered water each day with 1/8 tsp of sea salt in it for about a week. The sea salt simulates the sodium level of the blood, so your body retains it long enough to re-hydrate. Your kidneys don't just draw the water out of the body into the urine before it can work.

You can read more about all of this if you download a free document that is available from CNET.com called the Diabetes Primer. It is a free download for newly diagnosed diabetics, but you will learn a lot from it. Type the name into the search box to find it. It is a very powerful document.

Also, I recently saw a notice that Amazon.com is having a special sale on Friday March 30 5-9 PM Eastern time, where they will be selling diabetes ebooks for 99cents- a one time offering. One of the books is the Diabetic's Handbook, which I paid $40 for my copy, but it was worth it. It is a very powerful book. maybe you could get your father-in-law to read it. At any rate buy some good books and read them-education is the key to mastering diabetes. You can't beat the price.

LeilaB
LeilaB 2012-03-22 23:53:45 -0500 Report

I'm feeling overwhelmed with support here. Thank you all so much. It means so much to be able to talk about this with others who have been in similar situations. I do realize that it is 100% my responsibility to monitor my own eating, but I guess I'm feeling a loss of control. I had the situation under control, and set myself up for success by not having certain things always around. It seems like now, I have to fight temptation in the street and at home :( I don't feel that a confrontation will be the right thing at this moment, because both of them are in poor health and it doesn't feel right. I just hope that it will be quite a long time before I see another cake around here.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-23 01:26:59 -0500 Report

You know, you could have just thrown the cake in the trash. Oops I droped it, which you did, right into the trash:) Maybe suggest a change of diet might make them feel better and that you want them around for a long time. I doubt it will change their eating, but it might make you feel better for the trying.

Good luck and hang in there as temptation will always be around and you'll learn what to do.

margokittycat
margokittycat 2012-03-22 17:08:50 -0500 Report

Dear Leila,

I would just put it all on the table and tell the in laws that this is your house and that you struggle with your diabetes everyday which is why you do not have or keep those kinds of foods in the home. Ask them to respect your wishes because you do not want to be ill. Let them know that if they can not respect your wishes that you would appreciate if they put it in their room and keep it out of the rest of the house. I would remind them that the father in law is not to be eating things like that and the he needs to face his demonds and dealwith the not eating those types of things.

northerngal
northerngal 2012-03-22 16:31:02 -0500 Report

You aren't being unreasonable. They seem to be in denial. Like if they ignore it, it will go away. Well, it won't, it will get worse. I know lots of people who are that way, they believe that they can continue to eat and drink like they did when younger, and simply refuse to grow up and be mature. As for the chocolate cake, allow yourself a small piece and adjust your insulin accordingly. There are no forbidden foods, but you find that the effect on the blood sugar sometimes just isn't worth it. Many older generation people simply WILL NOT change their eating habits or cooking style, but we no longer are a farming, hard physical work country. Unfortunately, many people still eat as though they were. As we age, our nutritional needs change and the less active we are, the more drastic the change. (That explains the obesity epidemic in this country) Explain that you want them to be healthy, to feel better (it does make a diffeence) and to live long, healthy lives. Its a fact that the longer they ignore the truth, the shorter time they will have to change, because they will be dealing with complications, have a harder time controlling the diabetes and feel like absolute garbage. If you can find some brochures that help explain things or even good books, buy them and leave them around. Don't take it personally, denial is pretty common. But it is up to the individual to be stubbor and say "I'm not going to cut 15 years off my life by doing stupid things" or whatever you are comfortable saying. I've gotten the question "Why doesn't anyone else have those problems"? Well, they do, others just don't know about it because they won't tell anyone. Its easier to ignore the problem, but I guarantee it WILL NOT GO AWAY. Good luck to you and maybe a heart to heart conversation will go a long way. Never know until you try.

Teria20
Teria20 2012-03-22 14:30:22 -0500 Report

I was the same way in to make matters worse I was 14 when I found out I had type II diabeties. It was hard staying away especially as me being a child..You just have to tell your self that you dont need it. If they are eating it and your around get yourself some fruit or something small like those 100 calories cookies. We can have those just dont over do it. I be wanting something sweet to drink so I use water packs. Just find something that u can eat too thats not high on sugar. The reason for you being mad could be because their eating it and you cant.

troublemaker27
troublemaker27 2012-03-22 11:33:43 -0500 Report

well i don't like that i can't eat donuts or cakes also cookies nor candy.
i don't like being diabetic it's not fair.
but it's mainly my fault i blame myself.
i also quit my job because it was taking a toll on my depression and my back.
so i need to find another job but right now there are no jobs out there for me to take so i blame myself

northerngal
northerngal 2012-03-22 16:38:30 -0500 Report

Don't blame yourself. There are way too many factors that go into causing diabetes and at this point, the important thing is learning how to control it. There is nothing you can't do, you simply need to make some adjustments. I had it for 40years, so I went through the dark ages of knowlege about diabetes, but have a wonderful (and tough) Endocrinologist who knows her stuff. I see dieticians and educators still and I'm still learning from them. Your biggest first step is to get educated about diabetes and have a good doctor who will work with you. Figure out what works and what doesn't. Keep records of everthing you eat, what you do, your insulin doses. Its a hassle, but they can make sense of stuff that you may not be able to. Keep the smile on your face and do the best you can today. Tomorrow: repeat!

draco59
draco59 2012-03-22 08:38:17 -0500 Report

Hi Leila,
I know what you’re going thru, and it is hard. Especially when you are new to this, I’ve been there and still am. But here’s something I was told and I read it somewhere…..
I you crave something sweet or not on your diet, go ahead and have a small piece, if not the craving will build and when you do finally break and you will, you over eat and feel worst.
So Leila, my opinion, no you’re not being unreasonable, but you also have to remember, the other people also, they might understand, but they can have what they want and in the case of your in-laws, she’s may not be in denial about his diabetes but is being the wife she’s always been. That’s between them.
I know it makes it hard on you, but unfortunately that is one of the things we face every day, it does get easier with time……
Hope this helps a little, good luck,
Brian

LeilaB
LeilaB 2012-03-21 23:05:14 -0500 Report

I just want to thank everyone for such amazing replies. I wish I could respond to each message, but I feel very supported here. You all are absolutely right, it is my life and I have to be able to resist whatever is in front of me if it is going to hurt me. Some things I can have in moderation, but I know that chocolate cake is like Pandora's box for me…it will lead me to a bad place. Therefore, it is still sitting in my fridge, but I have stared it down and decided that I am stronger than it…and no I don't want to hurt myself. I also wanted to say that you all have given me so much to think about. I just wish that anger wasn't my reaction to this, but as Caroltoo put it, "On the flip side of anger is fear". I also think that I am disappointed that people are doing things that they know will hurt me, but doing them anyway. This happened one other time when my family went for donuts about two weeks after my diagnosis. I had to go sit in my room because it was so upsetting. I was angry then too. Of course, they should be able to eat whatever they want in the hosue, but yes, maybe I feel like there should be just a few exceptions…things that I really, really wish I could have, LOL :)

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-03-24 12:52:45 -0500 Report

Bravo! There you go. It is hard and there are days when it does just really suck big time. I long for the day when my will power is like my dads. He could walk away from anything...man, I wish I was more like that.

We are here for you in anger, fear or joy and peace. We understand it all. =0)

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-22 13:18:43 -0500 Report

See, you are getting there, so kuddos for you!!! Maybe take a class or a new hobby and when the family goes out for sweets they can do it when you are busy with this new event? If feeling upset or low will power, then go out for a nice walk, even if it is at the mall, Haha… Show them what sweet thing you bought for yourself! Sitting in a room angry will not help you, but make you depressed, so get up and get out of the house to clear your head and you will be glad you did:)

Graylin Bee
Graylin Bee 2012-03-21 18:50:50 -0500 Report

It can be very frustrating for all parties. I used to help my in-laws. She had both diabetes and alzheimer's. He was just trying to do his best in an impossible situation. I would prepare healthy meals. Lunch and supper I had almost complete control over. But every afternoon we went to their favorite cafe for a snack. Her choice a fried cinnamon roll the size of a frisbee. He would eat half of a doughnut. She would enjoy her treat and the rest of his. We talked and enjoyed each others company during both eating events.
I was frustrated and horrified at times. But I treasure the good times we had together. To both of them being able to go out and enjoy eating what they wanted, after years of living through The Great Depression and hard times raising a family of 6 sons and 1 daughter with very little money was what they valued. We each pick what we want as important to our life.
Now do not ask me how I reacted the times I came home from work only to learn I had to hunt down where she had put the laundry I had left hanging out on the line.

gueda46
gueda46 2012-03-21 17:57:17 -0500 Report

You know, I was diagnosed two years ago this past February. I have my husband who is from Mexico (tortillas, bean, rice, potatoes), and four of my daughters. The range is from 22 down to 14. Diabetes runs on both sides of the family (mine and my husband's) My 14 year old has had high blood pressure since she was 5 and she is constantly eating. I am trying to work on her diet and helping her get her weight down. My kids like the sweets from the "reduced" rack at the store. Sometimes I give in and I do indulge, but I don't indulge too often. As far as your mother in law making this cake, well, I think in my opinion that she was not thinking about you/her husband and the diabetes. I mean she has been cooking the same way for a long time and although you know the right way to cook, then she might not. Her husband is not willing to accept his illness. Has she tried to make the cake with a substitute sugar, splenda/stevia/truvia? That is how I make mine. Hope this helps, and take care.

Dr Gary
Dr GaryCA 2012-03-21 17:52:33 -0500 Report

Hi,

I see that you received some really great replies to your post. You are in good company here, lots of people relate to your situation.

I would just add that it seems like your mother-in-law has been supporting and enabling your father-in-law's denial. They are both pretending his diabetes does not exist. And you are the innocent bystander to their destructive behavior.

I always suggest that people try to sit down and communicate, talk about the issue and try to find a way to resolve it together. But I am also realistic and I know that people aren't always willing to see someone else's viewpoint and compromise. Especially when a big old chocolate cake is at stake.

So as others have said, it comets down to placing yourself first, taking good care of yourself. That isn't going to be easy. Maybe keeping healthy snacks around that you can rely on when you are tempted? Gently, or firmly, reminding them that you are trying to follow your treatment guidelines?

I suspect that you know this already but I would encourage you not to take your mother-in-law's actions personally. You are just witnessing long-term eating habits that they are unwilling to change at this point in their lives.

It's a shame. Fortunately, you have a vision for how you want to feel, and know what it takes to achieve your goal.

It's nice to be in touch with you!

Gary

jlively1
jlively1 2012-03-21 14:26:28 -0500 Report

I don't think it's fair to take it out on your husband but I'm not going to sit here and act like I haven't done the same thing. I have done it myself! I hate myself for getting mad at him for eating things; it's me that has the issue with sugar, not him.

On the in-laws: I think you should tell them that while they are staying in YOUR house, not to bring, cook, or make anything that you can't have. This is the beauty of the situation…IT'S YOUR HOUSE and YOU make the rules. If what you and your husband were doing before they moved in worked for you, then keep it that way. Just because they moved in doesn't mean that you have to rearrange your lifestyle.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-21 23:29:46 -0500 Report

I understand what you are saying, but it is ALSO her husbands house and they let his parents move in, this makes it THEIR home as well. It sounds like things were not under control before they moved in or she would have a better routine in place and this would not be an issue. It is up to his mother and father how they eat, they are set in their ways, so accept it. As an adult, we choose what food we put in our mouths as nobody is forcing us. Being diabetic requires us to make changes, we don't have the right to expect everyone around us to conform to our ways. It can't be her way or no way, not if she wants to keep her marriage good.

It would be great if they can sit down and come up with menues or maybe even different eating times, she and her husband can eat by themselves.

LeilaB
LeilaB 2012-03-23 00:01:35 -0500 Report

I do have a very good handle on my own diabetes, but I have set myself up for success by not keeping tempting foods at home until now. I'm sure that you can understand that. I'm not used to living with other people, other than my husband. I am used to having control over what is brought into my house. I take 100% responsibility for what I eat, but why would I want to set myself up to fail by having foods around that could be harmful to me? I'm just trying to give myself the best possible chance for success. I know that I'm going to have to adapt, and that they have the right to cake. I just wish that it wasn't sitting in my fridge right now.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-23 02:17:59 -0500 Report

They all had some, so throw it away. I have a weakness for sweets myself, so I understand the temptation. I just tell myself to pass it up and this usually helps. I grab something I can eat. How do you handle it when away from home? Apply that to your home life.

Caroltoo
Caroltoo 2012-03-21 14:56:49 -0500 Report

There is another issue involved here also. Respect is a two way street. If someone cares about us, why would they intentionally do something in front of us that they know will cause pain. It's not really a case of don't eat sugar or cake, but of don't flaunt it in front of the person who can't.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-21 23:48:39 -0500 Report

Yes, respect is a two way street. She should respect their right to eat what they want and not make them give up what they like because SHE has diabetes. I don't think it was flaunting just because a cake was in the house. Would it be different if the mother in law puts a cover over it and only eats it in her bedroom? No, she would know it is still there. It is a case of keeping her will power in check and passing it up. The sooner she can do this and pass up the cake for a more diabetic friendly snack, the easier it will get. My family loves sea food and I hate it, they don't demand that I eat it and I don't demand them to give it up. I just eat something else and all is well.

LeilaB
LeilaB 2012-03-23 00:06:07 -0500 Report

Red flower lady, I sense that somehow you feel like I don't respect others. That is simply not the case. I wrote this post because I'm upset with myself for the whole situation. I feel like your post is an attack. I came here for support. Eating the cake is not an option for me, I simply don't do it. However, I'm not going apologize for my feelings, or for feeling upset about it.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-23 02:07:43 -0500 Report

I never asked you to apologize, and you even stated in your discussion that you didn't want to do that for your own husband or mother in law. I understand you feeling frustrated with your diabetes and the changes you must make. What I was trying to say is that as a diabetic, we must learn to accept that it is not everyone's problem but ours. We have to just work around what others eat. The way you felt about the cake, is the way your family feels about you not allowing them to eat what they want. I also can understand how hard it is to have the extra people living with you and giving up the privacy as I have been there. Two women in the house with the common tie, your husband, is hard to do.

My response was to the two post above, one saying it was lack of respect and the other saying it's your house and they don't have any rights there. I wasn't attacking you. I do want you to feel like you can get support from this site, but not all answers are what we want to hear:) I hope your family can work this out.

jlively1
jlively1 2012-03-21 14:58:54 -0500 Report

Sure, it's not nice to flaunt. I hate people who do that. Thankfully my husband doesn't flaunt it over me. He'd be dead if he did.

jlively1
jlively1 2012-03-21 15:02:25 -0500 Report

I'd be especailly pissed off if I was hormonal and couldn't eat the cake that the other person was flaunting.

MAYS
MAYS 2012-03-21 14:21:23 -0500 Report

You have the right to vent, but you must remember that your diabetes is yours!
You are responsible for your (or lack of) will power.
Others have a right to their likes, and dislikes, their wants and their needs we must as diabetics protect ourselves!

Don't get upset at others for what you consider to be their lack of consideration, what "You" eat will affect your blood sugar level, not theirs, walk away from it.
It's not right to snap on your husband, or your in laws, it may feel good, it may seem like the right thing to do at the moment, but in reality, it isn't.
They have a right to enjoy themselves, just as you do, surely there is something that you can have, it may take a little experimentation, but there is something.

As diabetics we experience a lot, some of us are strict when it comes to managing our diabetes, others aren't, but it's up to you to control you!
Getting upset raised your blood glucose level (stress does that) so "You" were doing the same damage to yourself as a slice of cake would have done, even worse once you factor in the feelings that you carried around afterwards.

Let it go, apologize if you must but gain control over yourself, continue to manage "your" diabetes, because in the end, you are the one who will pay the price, whether it's diabetes, hypertension or something else…protect you!

"If they have no bread, let them eat cake!" ("S'ils n'ont plus de pain, qu’ils mangent de la brioche.") –Marie Antoinette

~Mays~

Type1Lou
Type1Lou 2012-03-21 14:01:06 -0500 Report

Leila, like you stated, YOU are responsible for what you put in your mouth. This is a struggle for you right now but will get easier if you're serious about managing your diabetes. Stop trying to manage your father-in-law's diabetes. He's an adult and must take responsibility for himself. It's sad that your mother-in-law appears to have no clue and appears to be enabling his bad habits. (You might ask them both if their will is in order since his habits and her enabling will lead him to an early grave.) My husband loves his cakes and sweets. I've stopped baking, except for special occasions but he makes himself at least 2 cakes a week…and eats them by himself. I make sure to have more diabetic-friendly snacks around to satisfy my sweet-craving. Good luck in YOUR struggle!
Hugs,
Lou

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-21 13:12:51 -0500 Report

You have the right to vent, so don't feel bad. It can be hard being diabetic, but you must learn to deal with it good or bad. You have to look at it from all sides, you are the diabetic and not them, they shouldn't feel or be made to feel uncomfortable in their home either. Also, they don't have to eat a certain way, you do, so you need to controll yourself, eat what you can and pass up what you can't. A meeting in the middle would be nice, but until it happens you need to put foods in the house that you can eat. You can make diabetic friendly desserts as well and maybe that will help all. You don't have to deprive yourself, have a bite or two of the cake and then move on, just don't eat the whole thing and don't fall of the wagon too often. It is about controlling what, how and quantity of food as well as taking the meds and exercising that will allow you to manage your diabetes right.

Remember, don't expect everyone to make the change for you, but you must make the change for yourself. It will happen slowly, but it will happen:)

Maybe you can buy diabetic cookbooks or print out some recipes that your mother in law can use. It might be fun to sit down and pick and choose with her and you both can learn a new way to cook together?

flipmom
flipmom 2012-03-21 13:12:07 -0500 Report

I dont know about being unreasonable, but they dont have diabetes, try to live with a chef and a cake decorator!! I'm struggling with this everyday. But I'm not gonna cut their fun because I cant have fun. I do have taste test. moderation is the key and with sweet, I try not to eat them alone, usually with meals…

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-21 13:24:54 -0500 Report

My husband is a chef and he is wonderful at cooking food that is right for me. It is about working together and keeping yourself in check. No matter where you go, we will always have to make the food choice to suit "our" diabetes:)

PS, I love the sweet stuff too!

MewElla
MewElla 2012-03-21 16:01:25 -0500 Report

How sweet your husband is so supportive with cooking the right foods, but, in the end we all have to make our choices…Not easy, but we have to!

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-21 23:53:04 -0500 Report

You are so right. It is the diabetic who has to make the changes for their own health and if the rest of the family follows, then great, if not, that is ok as well even if it is harder for us.

jayabee52
jayabee52 2012-03-21 16:04:41 -0500 Report

i also got the hint of hubby "owning" her diabetes together with her when she said "'our' diabetes" That is really special! IMHO

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-22 00:05:52 -0500 Report

Thanks, it is nice to have a partner who understands and as I have said, he has been with me since I was 15 and that number is just about reversed, so he has learned alot about it. I am blessed to have a supportive family and wish everyone did, it would be so much easier for all diabetics.

Do I fall off the diabetic wagon at times, you bet, but I made the decision to do so. I take full responsibility when that happens.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-03-21 13:05:15 -0500 Report

Who said you can't have a tiny piece of cake or a cookie? Depending on what your BG's are why deny yourself a small piece? There are sugar free cakes and cookies on the market as well as cake and cookie mixes. I have homemade sugarless chocolate chip cookies in the fridge right now.

As for being unreasonable, ask yourself why should those able to eat a sweet treat deny themselves a piece just because you can't have it? For instance you go out to a restaurant for dinner or to lunch with your hubby or coworker. They have eaten a meal and have room for desert. Should they not have it because of you being at the table? So as for you being unreasonable, I think you are.

Your husband and mother-in-law should not have to deny themselves something because you can't have it. They also have a right to eat it at the table after dinner with you sitting there. Just because they eat it doesn't mean they don't support you.

Here is what I do. For dinner if the veggie is potatoes and spinach with a dinner roll and a meat, I won't eat the potatoes or the roll. I eat more spinach and meat and salad if it is served. I know that this meal is not going to have an effect on my sugar level. So for desert, I cut a very small piece of cake and cut that piece in half and save it for the next day.

If going to a restaurant where you have no control over foods being cooked for your consumption. I know I am not going to eat a baked potato, corn or peas. If there is a less starchy veggie, I will order that. I won't eat the roll and when everyone orders that decadent desert, I reach in my purse and pull out two cookies. All I want is something sweet after a good meal and a cookie or two is satisfying to me.

Furdgs
Furdgs 2012-03-21 12:21:16 -0500 Report

Oh and also, your not being unreasonable. Your family needs to respect what you are dealing with. This is a very hard disease to deal with, I know because I've been struggling with it for 13 years. I would tell your family…"look, I'm not going to apologize for snapping, but you have to understand my position and for right now…while I get my diabetes and my cravings under control, I need you to show me some respect by not having this in the house or around me. If you need to have some cake, go out to the local diner and enjoy dessert out!"

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-21 13:38:35 -0500 Report

Why should they have to leave the home? I'm sure she wouldn't be happy knowing they went for cake and didn't take her or ask her to go. Maybe she can go for a walk while they enjoy or do something else. She has to learn to tell herself no and nobody else can do it for her. She can put snacks, etc that she can eat in the house for when they do have sweets. I have been a life long diabetic and always used insulin, so I understand, but you have to be realistic. Just as she feels it isn't fair to have the cake there, it isn't fair for her to deny them, the non diabetics.

Furdgs
Furdgs 2012-03-21 12:17:24 -0500 Report

First off, don't kill yourself by completely denying any cake, cookies, etc. It's about moderation. I have a horrible sweet tooth and really can't resist the stuff either. Mentally you will need to keep telling yourself…if I eat that, what will I do to myself? It's about mind over matter. I've gotten to the point where I can have 1 or 2 bites and that's it. I'm done. It give's into my craving, but not my sugar levels. Don't do this every day mind you, but once in a while it's not the end of the world.

A really good web site is Diet Direct. They offer all sort's of meals, desserts, shakes, etc, that are really good. They have all kinds of good desserts that will keep the sugars, calories, etc down, but yet allow you to give into your sweet tooth. I keep that stuff around the house and when we have a birthday or some other celebration where there is lots of cake, etc around, I will make myself a Diet Chocolate Cake (in the microwave for a couple minutes). Socially you are still part of the "crowd", still enjoying something tasty, but not killing your diabetes.

Luckyluc
Luckyluc 2012-03-21 11:51:12 -0500 Report

I have a relative that has had diabetes for over 30 years. She has NEVER taken it seriously. She has EATEN THAT CAKE and everything else and has been paying the price. She's been on dialysis for many years and goes 3 times a week for 5 hours a day. She has had countless surgeries because the veins don't work anymore. She has been amputated piece by piece—-first the toes, then the feet, then the legs, her fingers went next. This took many hospital visits and many surgeries. She has been in hell. This was her choice. When I think about being in this hell or that hell. I pick this one. It is hell not to have freedom to eat like everybody else. It is upsetting but I think about my friend and what she is going through. I'm not perfect and remember none of us are and when you eat something you are not supposed to JUST FORGIVE YOURSELF. Dust yourself off and start again. You hold your life in your hands. That is so powerful.

jigsaw
jigsaw 2012-03-21 10:06:16 -0500 Report

I keep healthy snacks around that help. I know some of us don't like no cal sweetners, but I think they're better then a piece of cake or sugary food anytime. Peanut butter and celery, a thickshake with vanilla extract, ice, some milk, and no cal sweetner mixed in a blender will fill you up like a balloon ! C'mon I know what the negs are, but it's better then sugar and it helps. I occasionally have a sugarfree jello with a squirt of no sugar added whipcream and walnuts. Then I watch everyone else eating all that Hi cal super fattening food . My snacks are not perfect, but my bg is well contolled and so are my urges. It's a good compromise.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-03-21 09:41:52 -0500 Report

Ahh, the joys of family and friends who don't get it. They are everywhere and it's hard to deal with. This is going to sound crappy, but it really is up to you and your desire to make it work.

Those temptations will be easier to deal with if you have a plan. I have some friendly baked goods in the freezer that I keep around to help me in those times of trouble. I don't always win, but it helps a lot.

I do the same with my hubby. I buy stuff for him and he has to keep it at his desk and out of the pantry. That works for me. But you are right about the big elephant, oh, I mean, cake in the room. Those are hard for me too.

Unfortunately, my need doesn't equate their going without. I am the one with the eating restrictions, not them. That is not nice, but that is the fact. And while I would like my whole family to eat healthier like I do, until they have that "requirement" I don't think they will ever get 100% on board. I am responsible for myself. I have to be "bigger" than that cake. I have to be stronger than the need for 100% support. And the truth is, when I succeed, I feel SO GREAT.

So while I do agree that family really should be loving enough to look out for you as well, if they don't, you have to. Maybe look at that cake as the challenge. It will be gone in a few days and if you can pawn it off on others, and not give in, there is a tremendous feeling of accomplishment in that.

LeilaB
LeilaB 2012-03-23 00:11:24 -0500 Report

Thank you Gabby for your reply. I agree with you, even though it doesn't feel fair. The "elephan't" is almost half gone. I haven't touched it, but I will feel much better when it disappears :)

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-03-24 12:59:23 -0500 Report

I like invisible elephants. They are the best. It is not fair in a way because you think the people who love you will want to help you not hurt you. But as I have tried for a long time with my "supportive" family, I just have to do for myself. They help out for a while and put up with my "healthy" food, but after a while I end up feeling guilty when plates of food go into the trash instead of into their mouths. We cannot afford to waste food, so I try to work out compromises.

jayabee52
jayabee52 2012-03-21 10:45:28 -0500 Report

one thing that strikes me with your answer Gabby is that on the other hand we don't want our loved ones to become the "diabetes police" either. We want supportive loved ones who are not overbearing. That is a mighty fine line for our loved ones to walk.

Ultimately you're right Gabby, the strength must come from within to resist the urge to splurge.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-03-24 13:00:21 -0500 Report

Yeah, I have to say, I would rather do my own policing instead of having them question everything I do. But there are times when I need someone to slap my hand! LOL

Young1s
Young1s 2012-03-21 07:50:51 -0500 Report

It all boils down to how comfortable do you want to be in YOUR home. You can't allow yourself to be pushed into a corner or forced into a situation where you are walking on eggshells around everyone else. What's first and foremost important is your health and then it's your sense of peace of mind (meaning a stress free environment). In hindsight, the rules of the house should have been established before your in-laws moved in. However, it still early yet to first have a talk with your husband about how all of this is making you feel, and then both of you sitting down with his parents and pretty much laying down the law. Hopefully, your husband will support you in this. Let him know that you need him to be strong with you in times when the rules are overlooked or tested. Which will happen more often than you'll want. But stand firm in your decisions or before you know it you'll be right back in this situation again. That's not to say that I'm telling you to go off on your in-laws but I know all too well about having to deal with a overbearing mother-in-law who little by little will try to take over every aspect of your home and make it her own. I didn't go for it and neither should you have to.

Now, with all that said, if this situation is temporary (a few months or so) then you may just want to dig deep to muster up all the willpower you possess, and just grin and bear it until they leave.

LeilaB
LeilaB 2012-03-23 00:13:03 -0500 Report

I believe that this situation is temporary, so I'm not feeling that I would have much support for these rules. I think that I'm going to have to learn to deal with it…

Young1s
Young1s 2012-03-23 15:02:56 -0500 Report

I hope it is temporary. But in the meantime, take from all the replies what you can and apply them as needed. Look it as an exercise in strengthening your willpower. If you can learn to handle the temptation in your home, imagine how much easier it will be when you're out and about. Hang in there.

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