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TsalagiLenape
By TsalagiLenape Latest Reply 2012-03-15 07:45:34 -0500
Started 2012-03-09 06:08:18 -0600

I am curious about two things:

If you tell someone never to lie to you, they tell you half a truth and sometime later the rest, when they knew the truth in the beginning. Do You feel that is still telling a lie?

The other thing: Why do some people think its ok to belittle your happiness, like they are the only ones deserving of it? Especially when they are "supposed to be or purport to be your friends"?

People need to realize that anyone's and everyone's emotions are an intergral part of them. Yes some more so than others, yet belittling their emotions or telling a half truth hurts all the same. It makes you question of the sincerity of the friendship. It makes you question your judgement. It makes you feel like ok I guess I earned and or deserved that.

Well I say that is simply all wrong! No matter who you are, who cares about you and etc., it comes down to doing what you expect others to do to you. To have respect, courtesy, honesty, and trust. Yet one or the other or even both will destroy that in a bilnk of an eye.

There is enough of the dishonesty, lies, cruelty out in the world. Why would anyone think its OK to do that to their "Friend"? I havent a clue thus that is what I am asking regarding the previous questions in this post. So please be honest, yet courtesy enough to respond the way you'd want the reply done to yourself.
Thank you
Btw this is possibly a mini vent/rant


20 replies

dietcherry
dietcherry 2012-03-13 06:54:56 -0500 Report

I know that honesty is supposed to be the best policy, but I think its communication. Hopefully honesty will be an off-shoot of that. If 2 people cant communicate then all the honesty in the world wont get your point across and the message wont be received.

Gabby
GabbyPA 2012-03-09 13:58:56 -0600 Report

That is a hard thing. Every situation is different and while I do believe that telling the truth, even when it hurts is best; sometimes, making a point or telling a truth does nothing to improve a situation so I can leave that stuff out. Kind of like trying to be "right" in an argument. You may be telling the truth, but is it worth it in the fight to be "right"? Sometimes it really doesn't matter in the big picture. Sometimes it does. So I cannot really answer you in a black and white manner, as in my life, there is a lot of gray.

Sometimes there is a deviation that you feel is not right, then ask the person why. It may not make sense to you, but they could have a reason that makes sense to them. We don't think alike, we cannot presume that some one would do exactly as we would in a situation. Life is very fluid. Understanding that may make the friendship stronger instead of getting caught up in the technicalities of it.

I can only control myself. I cannot control other people, as hard as I might want to or try to. I cannot make them fit my ideals of expectation. I can only live up to my own expectations. If a trust is confronted, then you do have the ability to ask what happened, but you cannot change it. You can only attempt to understand it and to help the other person understand how it hurt you or bothered you.

TsalagiLenape
TsalagiLenape 2012-03-15 07:41:06 -0500 Report

I dont do gray LOL The simple fact is that I have told others to tell me not part of it or lie to me. Thus I felt it was a lie. The excuse doesnt matter for I dont like lies. I agree I can only control myself. Yet I figure if you respect and value a friendship then you honor it by what the other asks of you by telling the truth. Hugs

Jim Edwards
Jim Edwards 2012-03-09 12:57:19 -0600 Report

Lots of questions, so I will put my .03 in on the first one. It depends. Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. For instance, I needed to postpone a meeting the other day for about an hour due to have some blood takien. Now the person that I was meeting and I have an understanding of "no lies". She asked me what the blood test were for and I told her, "A1C, cholesterol, kidney, liver" That was all true. I didn't tell her about the heart and lung test or some of the other test. There were 12 blood tests ordered in all. Did I lie? No. Did I tell her the complete truth? No. Do I regret it? No. My requests to have the blood test done were because of differnt things that were happening or not happening with me. My sugars were all over the map. From stress, from the legal proceedings of the divorce, from the sinus meds I have had to take since mid-January? I don't know. Why should I have someone worry about me when there may be nothing to worry about once things settle down? So I find out next Friday and since these health issues were only yellow flags starting to raise, I am not going to worry about them while I wait to see the doctor next Friday. I am in no worse shape since before the blood test. Now if I postponed our meeting and told her I had to stop at Lowe's (which would be normal for me to do) but the REAL purpose was to get the blood work done, I would consider that a lie and unacceptable. So, the circumsatnces, the people involved and the issue involve all matter.

jayabee52
jayabee52 2012-03-09 09:42:55 -0600 Report

Howdy Temi,

this is an interesting conundrum, as truthfulness is the foundation of a friendship (or romantic relationship) yet sometimes a little bit of not telling the WHOLE truth is quite frankly the grease which makes the whole relationship run smoother.

Just like Bamberg said below. He (and I too) learned that lesson early on in his marriage ( In my 1st marriage).

Temi, you say that there is enough " . . . dishonesty, lies, cruelty out in the world." True! But sometimes a little bit of withholding of one's real, true feelings, which could be viewed as a half-truth, makes the relationship run smoother.

I had a relationship with my 2nd wife "Jem" which was loving and she viewed me as being almost brutally honest. She had been questioning me (on the phone) about my view of her looks. And she verbally "cornered" me at one point and I didn't want to bald-face lie to her, so I told her the truth that when I first saw her picture on the dating website, I was not immediately attracted to her. She thought of herself as a beauty (and later, looking as some of her pics as a younger lady I could see why) — but that was not my first impression of her. So I told her that, putting the best spin on it I thought I could.

Needless to say she was hurt by what I said. But we were well into our courtship and we had a bit of history, and she didn't want to throw it away because of hurt feelings, so we talked about it some more.

I was able to convince her that I loved her for the way she was inside. Her personality, her wit, her intelligence. And that happened to be true. That conversation could have gone either way that night, and if she had gotten huffy and we not talked more fully about it, that might have been a deal-breaker for her. I did not put all her concerns to rest that night, as from time to time she brought up the subject of what I said to her that night again. She needed to be reassured that she was loved! Yet from that night I got the reputation with her that I was a straight shooter. However I did not always tell her with brutal honesty exactly what I was thinking. I held some thoughts back from her which would have been quite hurtful to her IMO. And with my ADHD and my impulsivity stemming from that, I put my "foot in it" quite enough.

So perhaps my reply does not speak directly to your situation, Temi, but I don't know enough about the situation about which you are writing.

Blessings to you, Temi

James

Bamberg
Bamberg 2012-03-09 07:36:36 -0600 Report

When I was first married my wife said that what mattered most was honesty. One night we were going out and she asked me what I thought of her outfit. I learned that night that honesty has its limitations.

TsalagiLenape
TsalagiLenape 2012-03-15 07:44:02 -0500 Report

It can when they truley want you to think like they do. So thus said if you want honesty then expect to get an answer you may not like. Hugs

Jim Edwards
Jim Edwards 2012-03-09 12:58:36 -0600 Report

Well, you were either ready to barf at her outfit or rip it off and make mad passionate love to her!

Bamberg
Bamberg 2012-03-09 13:13:37 -0600 Report

Always ready for the second option. We were married for 42 years. I lost her about a year and a half ago. I miss her every day.

Set apart
Set apart 2012-03-09 15:37:10 -0600 Report

Hey I could have told you guys this, when asked my husband will look at me and say, "oooh I hate when you ask those trick questions." He's usually smart and reminds me how beautiful my outfit is, or that I am. HMMMM I wonder what I may look like sometimes going out! LOL!

Jim Edwards
Jim Edwards 2012-03-09 13:26:04 -0600 Report

I can appreciate that. Mom lost Dad after 65 years to cancer. I still miss him after 5 years, still hear his voice guiding me. Worse thing is Mom, in her dreams, wakes up to find him in the bed with her! I sure hope I don't have anymore brothers or sisters coming soon!

TsalagiLenape
TsalagiLenape 2012-03-15 07:45:34 -0500 Report

Now Jim that is bad. LOL But I understand. Just remember your Dad is living thru you thus you are his Living Legacy! Hugs