Support System/Significant Other

By ChrissyRI Latest Reply 2012-03-17 13:59:54 -0500
Started 2012-03-08 12:27:09 -0600

I wonder if it is hard for a person to live with someone who has type 2 diabetes, among other things, like heart disease. I find, sometimes, my significant other doesn't understand what is going on, and so try as he may, the supportiveness that I need personally, doesn't seem to come through. He is wonderful. I cannot argue that, and he does try, but sometimes I feel alone in my mission.

47 replies

Young1s 2012-03-17 13:59:54 -0500 Report

My husband gets a deer in the headlights look in his eyes when I get too in depth about my D but I know he gets the basics and understands what he needs to do in case of an emergency. I leave information around for him and my children to read but I'm not sure of at what point does it become too clinical or boring for them. What I do is ask them every now and then if they have questions or if there is more they feel they need to understand. I think, for my children in particular, they are more comfortable talking about it when I bring it up. I think they're still struggling with how to start but they'll get there. As for my husband, he says he's perfectly comfortable with the time I spend talking to you guys about my D because he knows this is extremely helpful and therapeutic for me. I'm so grateful for his acceptance of this because I would never want him to feel left out. Which is why he's the first to know about whatever I'm going through.

flipmom 2012-03-15 16:31:53 -0500 Report

my 2 cents? my bf doesnt know anything either, just what and when I tell him but you can bet your bottom dollars that hes there when I need him the most and thats more than enough for me… dont be so hard on him, thats why we really need support system that understand like D/C!! You are not alone, we are all here fighting the same fight!

KarynCandy29 2012-03-15 11:05:47 -0500 Report

Chris gives me a lot of Support with my illnesses and I have a lot more the what is on my profile,,The thing is since the DX of diabetes he really hasn't done anything reading up on the illness..We do talk about it a lot and he says he is learning along with me..He is trying…
I have been looking for a booklet that would help my significant other just the outlines of diabetes so he would know what to watch for and what to do if something were to happen..however I can't seem to find one..looks like I'm going to make one up for him..being new myself to diabetes is hard..I havbe to say I feel like you do ChrissyRI..

ChrissyRI 2012-03-15 08:25:49 -0500 Report

In other more recent news, he has found out he is 'borderline', and I have become the 'educator', which is fine, lol but he is more difficult than I am. I try to explain to him that he has the chance of a lifetime - he was detected before it reached the diabetic threshold. Together, we are trying things to combat it. He is getting better at it, I will say. His mom is also type 2 diabetes, so he has a high risk. I am hoping my diligence will help him as well.

KarynCandy29 2012-03-16 08:57:56 -0500 Report

well he's in good hands,He is so very lucky I hope he doesn't take it you said he has a chance of a lifetime..I wish you both well..

EdnaShukis 2012-03-12 13:24:29 -0500 Report

My husband is very supportive, even though he doesn't totally understand he tries to help and often recognized my hypoglycemia before I do. He is wonderful, and I consider myself lucky!

Armourer 2012-03-10 10:43:55 -0600 Report

I feel alone too. Although my wife gives verbal support, at anytime there is cookies, cheesecake, etc., around the kitchen for and the kids. Not fair to tempt me, but I've slowly learned that I'm alone in my fight except here at DC. Good Luck.

Anonymous 2012-03-10 06:50:27 -0600 Report

i say all dieases are equeal and all are hard to live with. none are any easier.

GabbyPA 2012-03-11 10:21:55 -0500 Report

That is true in a way. Until someone actually is dealing with any given illness or disease, it is very hard to understand what that person goes through on a daily basis. We are all different in our makeup as well and life experiences make dealing with things different. My outlook can be very different from the next person who struggles with diabetes.

My husband is in a wheelchair and while I understand to a point what he deals with, I don't know the burn of his arms after a day out on the town transferring in and out of the car. Or how scared he feels just to go to a new place where he doesn't know if he can get around or even use the toilet. How frustrated he feels to know his once athletic body no longer works as it should.

Dealing with them is a lot of attitude adjustments along the way. Keeping positive is key for me in any situation. It makes it more productive when I am working through things or trying to understand some one else's feelings about what they are going through.

Barbara Kubacki
Barbara Kubacki 2012-03-10 02:51:59 -0600 Report

When I married my husband Ron I was 20 and he was 31. That was 30 years ago and he has not changed in my eyes. But, it is I who has changed tremedously and I just apologized the other night saying that if I knew I was going to have all the illnesses, I would have never put him through this. He said that we were meant to be and he rather be no place but here with me. He comes to my appts with me and hold my hand.

We are learning together what it means and how you deal with T2. Ron does all the shopping and cooking so this is even more important to him , He soends so much more time at the supermarketreading labels.

The one thing I can say, is that I am not alone in this , Ron is right there with me.

ChrissyRI 2012-03-15 08:17:36 -0500 Report

Wow, your conversation with him is exactly like ones I have had with mine! He really does try, but I feel somewhat like Armourer does (above)

EdnaShukis 2012-03-12 13:25:24 -0500 Report

congratulations, you are truly blessed!

Barbara Kubacki
Barbara Kubacki 2012-03-13 16:43:16 -0500 Report

Thank you I am and I know it. My husband feels so bad for me. It is one thing after another. He works more from home because his work is over an hour away. I am hoping to lean on my new support group and give my poor husband a break.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-09 20:35:29 -0600 Report

I imagine so, unless the person feels it isn't any of their concern and the diabetic should take care of their own issues. I know being type 1, juvenile(insulin) has not been easy on me or my family. Thankfully, my hubby, who I started dating at 15 and married at 19 and am now 50, was very supportive and still is and wanted to be an active partner. Then as kids came along we taught them about diabetes and they are great about it. I think it has alot to do with how I delt with it and explained it, as well as the love my family has for me that makes them want to be a part of it, good or bad, and there has been some bad along the way.

There are changes that have to be made and some planning, but it is doable. This can be very overwhelming, especially for the non-diabetic and they maynot be able to deal with it. That is where you come into it and get them to a class or get info for them to read and educate them. It will take time especially if you are learning as well.

A good support team and communication is important along with diligence.

Lizardfan 2012-03-09 18:12:07 -0600 Report

My husband is a type 2 as well, even though he was diagnosed several years after me. I taught him everything I knew about how to deal with it, that really helped him a lot. One thing he doesn't understand is how a low blood sugar makes you feel. Incredibly he has never had one before. I am sure it would be harder to deal with if the significant other had no knowledge of diabetes.

Caroltoo 2012-03-08 14:00:33 -0600 Report

I think a spouse who does not have the condition can hopefully be supportive, concerned, helpful, and learn general information about the disease, so that they can do those things better as time goes on. I wouldn't expect them to ever develope the level of expertise that we do.

The partner with the disease is probably going to need more specific information than the spouse does,and a place like this is an excellent place to gather that information. I tend to share with my spouse the information that excites me. When I see he is no longer interested, I think "OK, information overload, time to move on." He doesn't really need to know that much. He doesn't make my decisions , so I share as much as he can deal with. He is very concerned and supportive (despite his Alzheimer's diagnosis) and I accept what he can give.

When I really want to problem solve something related to diabetes, I come here where I know there is intense interest that will spark my own creative thought process.

Nick1962 2012-03-09 14:11:36 -0600 Report

So true Carol. I also think those without D don't really know what support we need or how to give it. Ultimately, my personal control is my mission and i am alone in it, but I get support in the form of not bringing certain foods in the house, or planning meals I have to pick apart to suit my diet when it's her turn to cook. Fortunately we are both on the same diet (which we both started to lose weight - not control D). I (being a guy) don't want to put undue pressure on my wife, so I try to handle it as best I can so she doesn't feel like she has to watch out for me.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-09 20:37:44 -0600 Report

You are not alone, we are here as well. Hugs

Nick1962 2012-03-10 18:53:10 -0600 Report

Well, yeah that's a given and I am thankful for all the folks here (thanks and hugs back). But aside from all the great folks here, I had to learn to manage and support myself before I could expect anyone else to support me. That way I can tell folks what exactly I need. It isn't always easy.

jayabee52 2012-03-08 13:49:53 -0600 Report

Back in Nov 2007 I got an email from a lady on a dating website.

Long story short, we fell in love and I moved the 500+ mi to get married to her. I knew she had a lot of (as she laughingly called them) "medical challenges". She had both Type2, diabetes, and congestive heart failure. (along with total Blindness, Kidney issues, rhumetoid arthritus, Lupis {SLE} and many other challenges) I was in love with my "Jem" and even though I had my own diabetes issues and kidney issues I supported her thoroughly. Trouble is one or more of her medical challenges, "got" her in her sleep in July 2010 and she passed from this life.

Jem and I did have a talk about what kind of support she needed and we worked it out. Perhaps think through what you need in terms of his being "supportive" to you, and then talk about it.

I loved my Jem deeply and I agreed to everything that she asked of me, even though some of the things meant I'd have to "stretch" myself out of my comfort zone to do them.

I pray that your signifigant other loves you that much. Sometimes "the other" in the relationship (whether male or female) doesn't know what is in your mind. Only letting him know what you need may make it clear to him.

Also bring him to DC and have him read the discussions and ask questions. That will be useful, IMO

From what you say "he does try" it seems that he is WILLING to support you in your "mission", but may not know the "what" would best support you in that.

Yes it CAN be hard to live with a T2. Both Jem and I were.

But it can be a satisfying relationship once things can be thought through and discussed thoroughly!

Blessings to you and yours!

James Baker

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-09 20:36:14 -0600 Report

So sweet:)

jayabee52 2012-03-09 20:39:17 -0600 Report

ROTFL yep we were BOTH too sweet! LoL!

jayabee52 2012-03-09 21:07:58 -0600 Report

It IS definitely grand!

Gonna try it again soon. SQ is now in Milwaukee but wants to come to Las Vegas and plans to come meet me in April (2012). I look forward to her visit.

SQ has cerebral palsy but no diabetes, but it seems like she's accepting of my "medical challenges" as I am (of course) accepting of hers. I pray that we can live a long and happy life together, if we can get past the meeting part. I think I can, whether or not she can is uncertain right now, but she does want to come.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-03-10 13:36:02 -0600 Report

I wish you well and that it turns out as you hope. I'm soo blessed and wish all could have the kind of relationship I have with my hubby and kids. It does make for a happier life:) I wonder at times, what would have happened if the events that led me to meet him at 15yrs old had not taken place. Would I have been this blessed?

jayabee52 2012-03-09 22:14:05 -0600 Report

Thank you carol! I am not unhappy to continue as I am. However I would like to have someone else with whom to share my love, should it work out!

EdnaShukis 2012-03-09 22:26:51 -0600 Report

Blessings to you and her both! It is so wonderful that you found true supportive love and that you honored her wished instead of being selfish and honoring only yours… God Bless you Both and big big hugs!!! Edna

jayabee52 2012-03-09 23:11:34 -0600 Report

Thank you so much Edna. I just finished talking to "SQ" tonight! Our relationship seems very promising! I however do not want to presume everything will be OK. So I am cautiously optimistic!

MAYS 2012-03-08 13:31:10 -0600 Report

Love is beautiful, but when it comes to dealing with a chronic illness or a disability love takes a back seat to education and verifiable information on the subject.

You will never, ever see me knock love down or out, but without educating one's self and others on the issue at hand, love becomes a crutch to the caregiver because not knowing what to do leaves us reaching deeper into the love pit withdrawing love to substitute for the lack of knowledge on the subject!

It's not that the pot of love will become empty, the soul of those involved will become emotionally strained, the patient yearns for understanding of by the caregiver and the caregiver responds in the only way he\she knows how to with intuitive passion which is (in a sense) hollow because of…lack of knowledge on the subject!

The best thing that can be done (it must be done together) is to help the other person to understand diabetes, the complications associated with it, the emotional needs, the signs and effects of depression, the nature of medications and most importantly the need for compassion not pity!

Whenever you feel as though you are "alone in your mission" hold out your hand, when you feel the warm touch of your "significant other's" hand in yours realise that no matter what you are going thru at that moment, you are not alone!
So get out the books, look at the videos, visit informative websites on the subject of diabetes but remember the key to it all is to do it "Together!"


GabbyPA 2012-03-09 15:28:16 -0600 Report

What incredible insight! The one thing that helped my hubby to "get it" at least a little better was to take him to my diabetic education classes. He only attended a few, but it helped. The other thing that "woke him up" was a couple of summers ago when I had a reading of over 400. He got so worried he went out (and he is in a wheelchair) and got me salad fixings galore.

Until they are in your shoes, there will always be that gap. But if you at least let them tie your shoes...they get a better picture.

draco59 2012-03-08 12:38:09 -0600 Report

Hi Chrissy,
You never said how long you have been a type 2? If not long, it takes time to adjust. It doesn't happen overnight? Now in my case, I'm a lab tech (out of the field, but work as a MLT for 20 yrs.) and my wife is a BSN going over 20 yrs. So I have the understanding I need. But before I come on here I didn't realize how little most people know about their own bodies, let alone there medical problems. So without knowing how long you’ve been a type 2 and how long you’ve been with your partner, the only answer is time.
Hope I’ve been a little bit helpful…..
Have a wonderful day :-)

ChrissyRI 2012-03-15 08:22:55 -0500 Report

hi Brian :) I apologize that I didn't state that information in my original post. I have been diagnosed with it for just shy of a year :)

draco59 2012-03-15 10:05:15 -0500 Report

Hi Chrissy :)
That's OK, sometimes it takes people a while to relize there is something wrong with their partner, sometimes it’s difficult to do that our self’s…. so give some time……
I know it’s not much, but I hoped I helped……….

draco59 2012-03-15 16:56:46 -0500 Report

It is, I've learn alot, you just have look and ask questions, they are gret bunch of people here and on some of the connections I'm on.
have a wonderful day Chrissy :-)