HELP!!!!! daughter is eating her way into DIABETIC HELL..L..

By nzingha Latest Reply 2012-02-11 09:31:21 -0600
Started 2012-02-02 10:21:59 -0600

HHHEEEELLLPPPP! I need HELP with my daughter who is eating her way off the globe and if she doesnt watch it..into diabetic hell… she is sooo overweight and just seems to be using food as a replacement for something in her life. she was so slim and trim.. now she looks like a frog… a fat one too… just spreading away in the middle and one look at her arms and legs u know this is not how she was meant to be structured.. she was always slim.. now she has cushions all over her back.. rolls of fat.. her stomach is big. she cant blame it on the kids… she is trying to get me to join her in eating all the junk she eats… she eats late at nights then straight to bed because she's had a hectic day.. with 2 kids, and doing another masters and running her home… i am worried for her but she is just not taking me on… what can i do to have her change her ways of eating.. she does nooo excercise…

she gets offended when i raise the subject. her husband has complained to me that this is not the beautiful young woman he married and he's also afraid to raise the subject because she tells him off. i brought this book on counting calories in the food that we eat.. and the book has disappeared. i know she hid it so we can stop molesting her about what she puts in her mouth. she has several chins.. i tell her all the horrible things that have been happening to me with this diabetes and its other spin off sicknesses and its just not soaking in at all… she just came home with McDonalds.. sat out in the living room and stuffed herself… then she's going to sleep to get up later to do her asssignments..HELP!!HELP!!HELP!!!

67 replies

MAYS 2012-02-11 09:31:21 -0600 Report

Hang in there, everything that we go thru in life has the ability to make us stronger in the long run, if we let it!

Parenting is composed of so many different elements, so many different approaches are needed depending on the situation at hand…sometimes it's not easy, and at other times it is, we must create, revise and rewrite our individual parenting manuals each and every day once we become a parent.

The best part about it is this, when our childen do, and repeat what we have said and done to them when they are raising their own children, we know that we have taught them something that they cherish enough to incorporate into their child raising process!

The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi


robertoj 2012-02-08 04:22:24 -0600 Report

Sounds like severe case of stress. Maybe even depression. I bet her appearance bothers her more than it does you and her husband. If she's depressed approaching her can be very difficult as she might reject your concern as an intrusion. Hopefully it's just stress and she may begin to get some balance after completing her masters. When she's ready don't push. Encourage her to at least take baby steps.

nzingha 2012-02-08 04:29:11 -0600 Report

yes she's under stress with the kids, her studies and i think there r otherthings she's not telling me..she makes it look like she's very happy in her marriage and i keep wondering if this is being done for my attention while i'm here visiting with them. i dont know. i am trying not too raise the subject but i watch what she puts on her plate every day and it is depressing me. i dont make her prepare my meals because she just does not get it that i dont eat the same as she does - never did and never wioll with this diabetes. my beautiful, shapely, slim attractive daughter is no more and it makes me sad. we took some photos yesterday and she came and deleted the ones with her where she said she was looking too if she is so conscious..y doesnt she do somethihng about it?

robertoj 2012-02-08 05:14:00 -0600 Report

We all do things in our own time. I know how hard it is to watch the ones we love self destruct. We are often too close to the problem to be of much help. I told my own daughter that I love her no matter what. I also told her that I cannot help her destroy herself. She has moments of clarity followed by more problems. I have stood by my word no matter how it hurts me and as a result our relationship is stronger than ever. My friends suggested that I leave it in God's hands and I have. The only person I can change is myself.

nzingha 2012-02-08 06:02:58 -0600 Report

thanks robertoj… i love my 2 children and they are all i live for, plus now ythanks to my daughter she has given me 2 handsome, wonderful grandsons and a daughter who her husband brought to their marriage… but i really am concerned about her and the weight and i will try in the ways being recommended here to help her return to her beautiful self because i know when we lose weight how good we feel about ourselves…

Maddie98 2012-02-07 22:13:48 -0600 Report

If you are so concerned.. Make a plan with her husband to only buy healthy foods and of she wants the food she will have to buy it with her own money. If she gets upset, talk to her and tell her about all the fun things see did (when she was skinny) and tell her the downsides Of unhealthy eating, tell her that you will join her in the dieting. And encourage her, DO NOT let her change the subject, instead look her in the eyes and tell her what you would think would motivate her. ( you know… The motherly touching words kinda thing) go on a walk with her take her on a ( surprise) hiking trip.

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-02-07 13:47:45 -0600 Report

You cannot brow beat someone into eating healthy. Clearly she is using food to comfort her and to make her feel better. Her husband is no better at it than you. If her husband married her because of how she looks, how shallow and selfish is that? When she is 70 she will not be the beautiful young wife he married. He won't be the handsome young man she married but in each others eyes they should be beautiful inside no matter the age.

If you were visiting me and harping about what I eat and how I look most of the time, I would put you out of my house. I understand that you are worried about her but berating her is not going to get her to diet or eat healthy.

You are there visiting and from what you said she has a hectic day. Your constant harping isn't making her day less hectic. If you are not doing so, make yourself useful and take the kids off her hands for a day and let her have a day to do something she really wants or needs to do. Sit down and have a talk with her WITHOUT commenting on her looks or eating habits.

Talk to your son-in-law, he may be molesting her everyday about how she looks and what she eats. Tell him he isn't helping the situation. Clearly she has a problem that the two of you don't know about. Something has happened to cause this change in her. As a mother you should be talking to her. For all you know she may be feeling unloved and appreciated. She could not be getting attention from her husband in a positive manner. She certainly isn't getting it from you if you as you say are molesting her about her eating habits.

Where is the husband in all of this? Is he helping her around the house and spending time with his kids? Marriage is a two way street as with any relationship, you can't continuously take, take, take from the spouse/partner and give nothing in return.

I think you owe her an apology for your behavior and a mother/daughter chat would help. Get your son-in-law to watch his kids and the two of you go have mother/daughter time together. She may open up and tell you what is really wrong.

Caroltoo 2012-02-06 20:38:24 -0600 Report

This is definitely getting her something that she feels she needs. We do what works for us, even if, on the surface, it looks dysfunctional to others.

She is already overweight when you got there, so if it is attention she wants, it is from her spouse. Why don't you talk with him about making a contract with you. Neither of you will criticise her eating habits. (Bite your tongues, if you have to, but don't criticise.) You two wil eat sparingly and healthily of whatever she or you fix, but no recriminations, critical looks, or negatives of any kind from either of you about her eating. Model the behavior you want to see her develop. Meanwhile he and she need to take some date nights out with grandma staying home with the little guys. Feeling very safe, loved, and accepted is amazingly freeing for someone who is afraid or uncertain.

Predictably, at first she won't say anything, then she may ask why you aren't nagging. She may try to eat more to make you nag, but DON'T DO IT. This won't work, if either of you express disgust, distress, criticism. She has to come to feel that she is in charge of herself. When she is, she will also be free to make the decision to change.

jayabee52 2012-02-08 12:27:59 -0600 Report

I agree Carol. Have you ever heard of the "Law of soggy potato chips"? The law of soggy potato chips holds that if positive reinforcement is not there, often the person who wants the reinforcement will act out to get negative reinforcement.

The positive reinforcement = crisp chips the negative reinforcement = soggy chips. The crisp chips are perferable but in the absence of reinforcement at all the person acting out would prefer negative reinforcement to none at all.

This "law" is not just for kids read more about this here ~

Caroltoo 2012-02-09 15:17:02 -0600 Report

Interesting reading. I became acquainted with the idea through Active Parenting. In that training it was stated that while positive attention is what most of us really want, negative attention is better than no attention at all. The reasoning is that "no attention at all" invalidates you as a living, human being. Negative attention acknowledges you are alive, but may be abusive and demoralizing. Postive attention acknowledges you are alive and supports your potential.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-02-05 23:48:11 -0600 Report

You know, you can not talk to her that way! This will only make her eat more. She needs POSITIVE reinforcement from you and husband. Something is going on in her life that is making her unhappy. I'm sure stress from work and school and trying to balance that with her family life is part of the problem. I can't help but think that you and her hubby are adding more, by all the weight comments, even though you may mean well. She knows she is overweight, but hasn't hit that aha moment. You can't force someone to do what they are not ready to do. This being said, her husband can tell her how he feels, that he is worried and loves her and wants her to be around for along time. He can then offer to help her by dieting and working out with her (you to) and if she says no, then he needs to decide if this is a relationship he is willing to stay in and then discuss it with her.

My hope is that you all can go to counseling to fix the issues and become a happy and healthy family again.

Best of luck.

nzingha 2012-02-06 06:57:14 -0600 Report

thnks for the advice red flower lady… will try this approach. up to yesterday she got angry when i commented about her plate and the fact that she had no included any vegetables.. just loads of carbs.. well she got up and added some but she told me to give her a break…!

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-02-06 23:36:52 -0600 Report

Your welcome, have you tried asking her what is bothering/stressing her? Maybe her marriage is bad and she can't deal with it, or, do you live with her? Some times married couples don't always want their parents at their house constantly, I know I didn't. I had to tell my mother in law that things were not done the way she does it, because it wasn't her house! Family at times think it is ok to just drop in whenever they want and this interrupts time couples may have to be together. I'm not trying to sound mean, just trying to help. You stated that you commented on her plate, but again this is focusing on her eating and not trying to find a solution.

The important issue here is to help her in a positive way, or you'll just make it worse:)

nzingha 2012-02-07 02:59:36 -0600 Report

no i dont live with her.. i'm just visiting the uk with her for 2 mths and i've just been here for 2 weeks… i had to comment because thats what it is. she comes home everyday with lunch and its either kfc or mcdonalds… then she eats late at nights and goes in her bed and its always loads of rice and other high carbs…loads… i brought her a calorie counter book and it has disappeared! her marriage is fine.. they have their issues.. i dont comment or get involved…

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-02-07 12:06:34 -0600 Report

I guess at this point, you need to spend your time visiting and enjoying the kids, etc and stop hitting her constantly about her weight. Talk to her husband about what I mentioned in my previous post, and let HIM take control over his wife and get her help. He needs to talk with her no matter how upset she gets and voice his concerns and solution. Not being there and being able to see all sides makes it hard to really know what is going on.

Good luck

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-02-07 13:54:47 -0600 Report

Red, I agree with you. I would send her home if all she did was nag me. This didn't happen over night. Her daughter has a problem that is causing her to eat. This problem needs to come into the light and discussed. If she can't discuss it with her husband or mother she should seek professional help.

People don't understand that the more you nag a person about something, the less likely they are going to listen. People who are over eating and using food for comfort tend to sneak and eat to keep the nagger off their back. I hope her daughter gets help or is able to talk about what is really bothering her. I also hope her mother realizes that she and the husband are adding to the problem and talk to her and let her know that no matter what the problem is they both love her.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-02-07 20:11:49 -0600 Report

It concerned me how the mother described her in the post and talking about how thin and trim she used to be. I don't know the ages of the kids, but not everyone can go back to the size they were before children so easily if at all. Yes, the constant focus on her eating isn't going to help at all and will actually make it worse. The reason behind it and how to fix it is what is important. I do hope help comes soon.

I agree with you about sending someone home if that is all they did.

nzingha 2012-02-08 06:07:22 -0600 Report

oooohhhh this doesnt sound nice.. sending me home because of my concern and the fact that i am expressing it.. this sounds so unkind.. i travelled almost 4000 miles to get here to spend all of 2 mths with my family..and the fact that i am expressing concern about her weight does not deserve this harsh criticism… u r suggesting that she sends me home because of this concern ..???
the kids are 2 and 6…she started to get outta control even before them but it has gotten really bad now… so no we cant blame it on the kids…

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-02-08 19:50:57 -0600 Report

What I was agreeing to, was if someone was at MY house and kept on me about anything, not just my weight and what and when I was eating, then I would ask them to leave. It is ok to be concerned and want to help, but you have to do it in a positive way. Reading your posts, makes me think you probably talk to her the same way you describe her and that will only hurt her!

You went all that way to visit with your family, so visit. As far as the harsh criticism, hmm.. seems to me you feel the way your daughter probably feels.

nzingha 2012-02-09 03:20:28 -0600 Report

u r wrong.. i dont speak to her in the frank way i have spoken here. i try to be gentle and suble and even show her how my eating and changed habits have made me fit into some clothes i thought i would never be able to wear again and how good i felt.. here i feel free to express my deep concern and sadness… she has never answered me in any rude way really… she just shrus us both off and we back off when we see she's getting upset… but i dont really 'interfere'. even since this week i have watched her dish out loads of high carb food, eat, drink fizzy drinks and then go straight to her bed with her books… i know the pounds are adding up…

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-02-09 14:39:38 -0600 Report

It is very hard to watch our children do things that are bad for them. And being a mother, you just want to fix it like when she was little, but she is not. I think some kind of counseling will help her. It can be by her dr or a diet center, and even plain old counseling. I know that the colleges have them in their health dept as well as nutritionists and since she is working on another degree, she is already paying for that service. Once she can get off her chest what is bothering her and then start on a new eating plan, she'll start to feel better.

I'm happy you don't talk to her the way your post was written and I hope she never comes on here and reads it. If I have offended you in any way I do appologize, as that was not my intention:)

nzingha 2012-02-10 06:56:10 -0600 Report

i hope she doesnt either lol…i'm not offended ..well not deeply anyway.. and i welcome the discussion and suggestions.. it has opened my eyes and i will be careful in how i raise the subject based on the guidance i've received here… the support has been overwhelming…thnks

Caroltoo 2012-02-08 09:20:23 -0600 Report

No, it isn't kind. They are doing to you what they think you are doing to her. None of us enjoy being judged.

To me your words to us are an expression of your shock at what you have found. With your daughter, I hope you can convey your love and concern instead of judgement. She really needs to know that she is loved and accepted by her mom, possible more than ever, right now.

For now, just love her. Find many little things you can do to help her, to let her know that you love and care about her. Find things to compliment her on. Build a supportive relationship. When you have done all of this, she will know that she still has a safe place to run to when she needs comfort and support. She is taking all of this very different than your son has, but they are different people. Find things about her NOW to cherish and appreciate. Being accepted gives her freedom to change in her own time. You can only change you and how you react to her, but the power of that is that your changing you will help enable her to change herself.

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-02-08 20:20:23 -0600 Report

Carol, I am not doing the same thing to the mother. She asked for help here, and I gave some advice. As far as sending her home, I didn't suggest that, another post did, and I simply agreed that if SOMEONE was nagging me all the time, I would ask them to leave. That being said, it seems like everyone here is asking that the daughter be given positive reinforcement and to back off of the weight/food issue.

It is correct, that the only person we can change, is ourselves. Even then, we have to be ready to make the change:)

nzingha 2012-02-09 03:32:56 -0600 Report

u r correct red flower lady and even so we find it difficult to make those personal changes… and as i said.. i really dont 'nag' her… i try to be subtle with my comments and as i indicated brought her a calorie counter book… which has conveniently disappeared… we r blaming the baby for misplacing it but i know he didn't!

Starry20 2012-02-06 07:03:33 -0600 Report

There might be a pattern there… Does the husband work late? If so, maybe this is how she strives for his attention. Some women use make up an scanty clothing, she uses food, because it appeals to her. Maybe its just a strive for attention. Are the grandchildren becoming chubby? If not then she does care, she just wants you to think she doesn't…

nzingha 2012-02-07 03:01:36 -0600 Report

no he doesnt…right now he's not working and thats out of choice and she doesnt mind himm taking a break because he's changing his career and they manage quite fine.. the grand children r not chubby but i think she over feeds the baby and says its him who loves food… but i think she's encouraging him to over eat but he isnt chubby… welll not yet aanyway…

judy makowski
judy makowski 2012-02-08 17:16:10 -0600 Report

I am very concerned about the way you describe your daughter. There is something going on with her. Whether it is to much stress with all of her activities, being in a new country, having a family to care for ,she must be in tremendous overload. The more she is hammered about "how she used to look" the more she is going to resent the remarks and the person making them. With good reason. It sounds as if she might be depressed and isn't aware of it. It won't help at this point to ask her. She will only deny it. If you spoke with my husband about the things you want to do I would be so angry. You two should not be conspiring against her and that is the way she is going to take it.

If these comments were meant to help her and if they were put in the negative tone that I got from reading it, all it is doing is building up resentment towards who ever is saying it. She will resent both you and her husband even more but what she will think and feel about herself is even worse She is left feeling as if the 2 most important people in her life are ganging up on her and truth be told you are doing just that.

You will only be there for 2 months. For those 2 months love her, be positive. If you eat differently then do it. Just don't keep talking about it and brow beating her. She isn't going to listen after the 2 weeks she has had with all the comments. It will also take her some time to forgive the words and the tone in which they were said. She will never forget them. She might not trust either one of you and what you say for a while. Just leave her alone. She knows how she looks.

Please don't turn your vacation time with family into a tension filled 2 months. Just love her and her family and have fun. I know you are worried about her but she won't do anything until she is ready. The more she is hammered with snide comments and "helpful hints" the more she is going to eat out of need for comfort. As difficult as it might be for you to see her this way and knowing the health implications for her the only person you can change is you. Not her she has to do that. Accept her for who she is now. When she is ready it will happen but not until.

nzingha 2012-02-09 03:39:53 -0600 Report

oh boy…i feel helpless and even tho i have received all kinds of good advice. ( except the post that says i should be sent home…:( .i feel like i need to just back off and leave well alone… i am enjoying my stay and help out with both house chores and kids a lot ( even tho sometimes I dont feel well when my diabetes acts up but i dont complain) which gives her more time to focus on her studies… but iu r all right… the need to change must come from her and until she's ready or something else jolts her.. there is little i can do.. she knows our concerns…so the rest is up to her…

GabbyPA 2012-02-10 09:41:59 -0600 Report

That is the best way to deal with it. She knows where you stand, and if you can keep that position and still make sure that she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love her no matter what, then some balance will be restored. Have fun there. Enjoy those two months and have fun with her. Make those memories the ones that last.

judy makowski
judy makowski 2012-02-09 05:51:29 -0600 Report

Nzingha, Parenting is never easy. There are times when everything gloes so smooth and then there are theses frustrating and maddening times when we want so much to change something that ultimately hurt our child and can't. They have to make their own mistakes and unfortunately in some ways suffer the consequences.. But isn't that the way we learned as well? Maybe when your diabetes actes up you could say something like you don't feel well your having difficulty with your sugar. Nothing about her diet etc keep it focused on you. But I would give it at least a week or so so she doesn't think its for her benefit. Good luck to all of you. You'll be in my prayers

dietcherry 2012-02-09 09:34:37 -0600 Report

This is excellent advice Judy. Ive been following this thread, although never having been a parent, I really dont know what would be most helpful here. We cant make anyone do what we want them to do when even they know its in their own best interest to change.

Caroltoo 2012-02-09 03:56:34 -0600 Report

There are times when I feel like being a parent is one of the most wonderful events of my life, but also the most frustrating at times.

Starry20 2012-02-05 22:21:05 -0600 Report

*great not grey… Stupid auto correct!

jayabee52 2012-02-05 23:08:41 -0600 Report

you know, raven you CAN go back into what you just posted and correct it by clicking on the little "edit" link below what you just posted.

and my hair is not grey, mine is falling out! (male pattern baldness) LoL!

Starry20 2012-02-06 06:59:05 -0600 Report

The thing is, I have the app(that is how I discovered this place, GO APP STORE!) and it's slightly different from the computer, so I guess I'll have to get on and figure it out computer style!

Starry20 2012-02-05 22:20:47 -0600 Report

Don't say it like that to her, she's doing that out of negativity from the sound of it… Ask to watch the kids set up a romantic date with the hubby's n her… A healthy pic nic… Let her kno u accept her, but then gradually lure her into excersizing… Maybe she's eating because she's working so hard, or because from the sound of it her husband doesn't love her any more and she's scared, so she eats to try and forget… I may be a 'child' but sometimes adults over look things, over think things or just plain leave a part out… An diabetes also kinda ripped the childhood away from me, I have a firm grasp in reality and the cruel people in it… I'm just lucky to have found Soooo many grey friends!! ;;)

Just Joyce
Just Joyce 2012-02-07 13:59:38 -0600 Report

Well said Raven. There is a reason why she is eating and the problem needs to be solved. If there are problems with her marriage, her mother isn't helping the problem by harping on her about eating. Her mother should be a mother and talk to her daughter. That could also be a part of the problem. Her mother may not have given her the time or love she needed as a child and she may fear she is doing the same thing to her children. We can all speculate but I think she really needs a BFF to talk to and listen to her and be a friend through thick and thin.

dietcherry 2012-02-06 15:59:07 -0600 Report

Raven that is a powerful statement you made—that D ripped your childhood from you.
I was diagnosed T1 at a young age too; it makes us painfully aware of our own mortality, something most people will only come to know when they are much older.
You now possess certain qualities that it will take others years to develop.

I ask you to hold your head high and be a leader and role model for all. Its the cowards way out to be cruel and small-minded; its much harder to be tolerant and accepting of everyone but its the only way to go through life and will open doors for you that for others will remain closed.

Im proud to know you young lady :)

Starry20 2012-02-06 19:46:37 -0600 Report

I am very pleased to have met u as well dietcherry (I'll use your screen name, I dot kno what ur tru name is! :) there are many more people on here that I Consider great friends with wonderful advice! :) an I am sorry you had that taken from you, but hey, we all made sacrifices! That is why we are some of the toughest folk I've ever known!

nzingha 2012-02-06 06:59:06 -0600 Report

raven u r quite a bright child..great advice.. thaks…
her husband loves her very much hence his reason for being so concerned about her weight..

tisdell 2012-02-03 01:14:39 -0600 Report

I do know eating at night will put the weigth on,when you dont do anything to work it off and go straight to bed,I gain alot of weight my doctor told me I have to stop eating at night and laying down it was messing with my blood sugar and I stop.But sound to me your daughter is depress,and more ya'll tell her about her weight the more she will eat.She need help. Cause time when people are depress they eat and some don't eat. Ya'll just have to pray for her.God Bless

nzingha 2012-02-06 07:00:25 -0600 Report

u know sometimes when i eat i feel like the food goes straight into my legs.. and they feel stiff and weak.. has anyone else ever had this experience.. i think i asked this qiuestion before.. let me post it under starting a discussion because this thing happens too often.. like my feet are ceasing up…

annesmith 2012-02-03 00:49:59 -0600 Report

That sound like me and cigarettes most of my life. I have successfully cut back to under a pack a day for a whole year now. Sorry, this may not help you. I know when I turned 16 for a whole year I stuffed myself. I was diabetic back then, and the doctor highly suspected I had been since age 4. I finally got myself under control by replacing reaching for fries with reading, or playing my flute. I then resumed my lifetime exercise routine . I have no doubt that unfortunately I only aggravated the diabetes I already had. Does your daughter have any hobbies? I find that anything that is not boring will distract me from smoking cigarettes. ANNE

pixsidust 2012-02-02 20:59:47 -0600 Report

Have you tested her with your meter after she eats?
I agree if you could cook it would help
find things that are full of flavor vs bland
Having ready made food helps me
Perhaps her husband could help with that as well
For some reason she has given up
She has to feel safe with you on this topic so the graphic analogy
you gave of her appearance I hope you do not do with her
She knows what she looks like
Her easy way out is hurting her, so helping her to feel loved
and to have another easy way by prepared meals may help

nzingha 2012-02-07 03:04:55 -0600 Report

he helps .. she prefers to cook… she has one style and i have mine which is the healthier way which she's not into as she says i am not a diabetic.. but trust me if she continues along the route- she will become one as it is in our genes on both sides and she has gotten sooo biiigggg!!!

pixsidust 2012-02-08 00:16:10 -0600 Report

What you must do is make food she likes
and modify it so its healthier
Not make bland nursing home fare that no real person
is interested in healthy or not
So be creative and think about her enjoyment
and not just about how big she is.
No need to bring it up so many times…we get it
from the unflattering description

If you want to help and not just complain
make what she likes in a healthier way
Bend on your way of doing things because you are losing
your daughter and she does not like your cooking
So make your cooking likable…for her
And never speak about her with so much disrespect
Your descriptions are overboard

GabbyPA 2012-02-02 20:41:32 -0600 Report

As someone personally who uses food to replace missing things in my life, I totally get how she is feeling. Sometimes we don't even know we are replacing food for other things. But for me, the more hectic my life got, the more I would eat. I think I felt out of control. I find that I eat out of emotion and if I am feeling stress, sad or angry, I tend to make poor food choices.

The more loved ones nag, the worse it gets because guilt is just added to the mix. It has to be something that she has her own "light bulb" moment to see. It sounds more like some other things need to be discussed rather than her weight. There is a lot going on underneath. Use love to find out what that is and ways to help her heal that part. Then you will hopefully see the outside change back.

There is also the issue of food addiction.
Here are some discussions on it.

The other thing you might want to do is check out our Obesity Connect.
They may have more insight to what is causing her to loose control.

brickbreaker 2012-02-03 10:51:30 -0600 Report

Gabby, you've described exactly what I was feeling (and still feel sometimes). The more people nagged me in the beginning, the more emotional I felt, and it made it worse.

Caroltoo 2012-02-02 14:33:38 -0600 Report

What age is her youngest child?

nzingha 2012-02-02 15:54:35 -0600 Report

he's 18…y?

Caroltoo 2012-02-02 16:42:48 -0600 Report

Not an issue! I was thinking you had told me about a new grandchild, so I was thinking postpartum depression. Obviously, was someone else who is a new grandmother.

Yes, it sounds like depression. Yes, you are correct you can't make her care for herself. I've always found that one of the greatest frustrations of parenthood. She sounds like she is doing so much that she is on overload and just not willing to take on one more change at this time.

If she is doing a degree program and really busy, could you step into the role of chief cook and bottle-washer while you are there? You could influence meal planning, cooking, and presentation which could help her with her workload and with her eating habits. It would work best if you could just do it and not tell her what you are actually doing because she would take that as a criticism. Best approach might be to tell her how overloaded she is and how you wish you could help her by taking some of the responsibilities while you are there. By joining with her in her pain, instead of instructing her, you might get past some of her defensiveness. Once she starts feeling better, she might be more open to the education piece.

jayabee52 2012-02-02 14:03:51 -0600 Report

OH I am sooooo sorry to hear this NZ!

Ultimately since she is a supposedly mature adult there is nothing one can do to change her eating pattern.

The only suggestions I may make would be to contact Dr Gary and Caroltoo to get their input. I remember from my days in receiving counseling my therapist suggest using "I messages" (Google: "I messages" ) one of the resources I found recently is here ~ ~

Does your daughter have diabetes? Or are you simply afraid she'll get it because of her eating habits?

I pray she will get her eating managed better.


nzingha 2012-02-02 15:54:17 -0600 Report

she doesnt have it..yet… tho she reminded me that when she was pregnant with her 2 year old, her sugar was a bit high during the pregnancy.. so that is a signal i believe… I think she's heading there.. with all that weight and from the way she eats and the fact that its on both sides of the family.. that's my fear. she cooks with loads of oil, salt, eats all the heavy starchy foods late at nights and then goes to her bed.. she is getting soo big compared to the slim trim person i know used to be my daughter. she comes home with McDonlad and KFC, she complains about how i dont cook with enough oil and she cant eat my food… its depressing and i'll be here with her for the next 2 months…!!! she feeds the stuff to her kids too and puts more than they can manage in their plates. when i ask her why she's giving them so much rice… she makes me know that she knows how much her kids can manage.. most of the times they leave the stuff on the plates. today i did the cooking, gave them loads of vegs and a small amount of rice along with their protien.. and i didnt have to force them to eat up… they enjoyed the meal…idont know where to start with her tho..

jayabee52 2012-02-02 16:55:44 -0600 Report

The mother of my 3 sons had gestational diabetes, and got it earlier in her pregnancy each time. My youngest son is 23 in march, and so far she has not developed diabetes. even though HER mother was T2. So just because a lady has gestational diabetes, doesn't mean that she is bound to get full blown T2.

We did stop with 3 children because we didn't want her to eventually develop T2. She did however in 2002 have a heart attack (her mom had heart problems too) where she had to have a 5-way bypass.

I recommend reading up on the "I messages" I suggested earlier.

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