losing control

By allicat87 Latest Reply 2012-01-16 16:56:54 -0600
Started 2012-01-08 21:10:49 -0600

I have been diabetic for 11 yrs now and this is my first attempt to reach out for help/advice. I was 13 and had a blood sugar of 960 when I was diagnosed, I was never hospitalized. It was a wake up call for my family. In one day everything changed. I would love to be selfish and make this all about me, and up until recently I made sure my diagnosis was all about me. My parents and sister were also impacted greatly by this but were very attentive to make sure I was always okay. I took 2 shots a day and checked my sugar 4, 6 months later I was on the pump. I was extremely lucky to be put on the pump considering some people take 4+ shots and check their sugar 8+ times a day. I talked to 2 different shrinks that didn't help, they almost seemed to make it worse with their ignorance. I was raised in a Christian household, every church service somebody made sure to pray for my healing. For months this went on and for months I was greatly disappointed. With every disappointment I cared less. I stopped checking my sugars and stopped taking insulin. On the pump my highest A1C was 14. I've been hospitalized twice while on the pump. The first time it was so bad I couldn't hold down water and blacked out. The second time was roughly 4 months ago and was caused because of the kidney infection and a UTI, which was caused by my kidneys slowly failing. My last labs showed protein spilling into my urine. My doctor constantly tells me I'm not immortal and that I'm self destructive. I've been lucky that I haven't been in the hospital more than twice. I'm getting tired of checking sugars and worrying about taking insulin for every little thing. I have been doing horrible as a diabetic for so long it is a constant struggle to remember to take insulin or to check my sugar. I have tried to set alarms for reminders but if I'm busy when it goes off I clear it and forget it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

16 replies

Uncle Lew
Uncle Lew 2012-01-16 16:56:54 -0600 Report

Take one step at a time. Set a simple goal and achieve it. Then set a slightly tougher goal and achieve it. With each achievement you will gain confidence and strenght to handle tougher issues. Just think LIVE and LIFE. Getting control of your diabetes will ensure LIVING a good LIFE. The Great Buddha said "righteous persistence brings goog fortune." Be persistent.

LindseyLou993 2012-01-10 14:21:20 -0600 Report

I think everyone on this site can relate to you!

Try and take it one day at a time, it's so overwhelming if you don't! That's how I keep sane :)

Yard by yard, diabetes is hard. Inch by inch, it's a cinch! :)

nanaellen 2012-01-10 19:49:21 -0600 Report

Hey! I just LOVE it yard by yard, diabetes is hard. Inch by inch it's a cinch! I'm gonna make a metal note of THAT one! LOLOL

nanaellen 2012-01-10 00:03:06 -0600 Report

Your what 24?? Please please listen to me… I've only had this nightmare for just short of 7 years and I'm STILL struggling BIG TIME with it!! I was @ work and all of a sudden couldn't see who was coming through the front door!! (I've always had 20/20 vision) I went from nothing to "You have full blown Type 2 Diabetes" 3 shots of insulin a day and 1 shot @ bedtime. And I absolutely HATE needles!!! Have an anxiety attack EVERY time I have a shot!!!! First 2 weeks I was COVERED in bruises! I got myself on track FAST!! I don't WANT any more SHOTS!! Well, got down to just my 1 shot @ bed!! Then I switched jobs and had no Med. Insur. so I didn't test unless "I didn't FEEL good" and as we all know THAT doesn't work!! I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitus (and let me tell you THAT pain was as bad AS child birth!!) They had to clear THAT up so they could take out my gall bladder. I've been BACK to the hosp. 8 times since then and I haven't been able to control this demon ever since!!! I'm BACK to sometimes 6 shots a day and 1 @ nite!! Don't put yourself through it cause it DEFINITELY isn't worth the pain alone!!! I'm STILL having a hard time remembering to test and getting frustrated every day!!! But I go on trying…I was raised catholic and I too felt disconnected from my faith for a LOT of reasons other than my diabetes but as they say "God works in mysterious ways" And He will always be there in the end…don't make that sooner than it HAS to be!! Right now I"M looking at it like God connected me with you and all the other GREAT people on DC to give me (and you) the tools we need to GET better!! And just so ya know I had to put up a BIG sign right on my Kitchen wall that says "TEST YOUR DAMN SUGAR!!!" LOL I forget all the time but my D-Nurse told me if I do this for about a month it will become second nature and I will automatically test before I eat!! I'm counting on her to be right!! LOL We'll try together O.K.???!!! I'll be 54 next month…you've got your WHOLE life!!!! I'm not on everyday but I check in @ least a few times a week!! Keep me posted! Ellen :) P.S. I have a great Pumpkin Cheesecake recipe!! :)

pixsidust 2012-01-10 00:26:56 -0600 Report

With an ending like that, an offer of a cheese cake recipe who could not help but Love You! I felt every heartfelt word…and all I gotta say is Welcome Back and Yes Mam!

red flower lady
red flower lady 2012-01-09 22:58:01 -0600 Report

Hi, Glad you stopped by. I understand where you're comming from as I have been doing this for more years then I care to remember. Yes, it gets tedious, but when you consider the outcome of not taking it seriously you have to ask yourself was it worth it? I mean, the physical discomfort, the damage you are doing that will haunt you later, and the expense. Why would you not want to live as healthy a life as you can, instead of just getting through the day? Maybe you have other areas in your life that you need to get under control so that you don't feel so overwhelmed by diabetes? If you get down in the dumps, then it's easy to slack off, but it will not go away! I hope you find what you need here in order to get back on track and take control of your life. Any help you need, just ask:) Good luck.

hotwhllvr79 2012-01-09 07:35:49 -0600 Report

I was diagnosed with Type 1 at 2, and I'm now 32. My mom was always health knowledgeable, and she knew I had diabetes by the symptoms I was showing, even before taking me to get tested. She took such good care of me. By my teens, when she loosened her reins, I was already trying to lie about my sugars. After I left home at 18 is when I started doing just enough to stay alive, and I'm still that way. I am uninsured, going to college, raising two kids, running a house, blah-blah-blah. Sometimes I cry when I think about leaving my kids w/out a mom just because I couldn't get my act together and take care of myself. For me, it's a laziness thing, and also an inconvenience thing. It's easier for me to just take two shots a day and go by how I feel, rather than checking the sugar, writing it down, etc etc. I have a pump but can't run it w/out insurance. But, I have had the joy of having it on, and know it takes away the inconvenience excuse. (@aliicat - the pump has a blood sugar attachment that goes into the skin that can automatically read the level for you…maybe that could help?)…Anyway, I get not wanting to take care of yourself b/c it becomes mundane. I wish I could peer into my own sole and find out why the thought of dying and leaving my kids still isn't enough to make me change. I am here if you need to talk (stay-at-home mom), and I've been around the block, for 30 years!

Old-n-Grey-n-Wiser 2012-01-09 06:40:28 -0600 Report

Sounds like you have turned onto the right road in caring for yourself. You will find many folks here that will support you and try to keep you on this road to better health.

Set apart
Set apart 2012-01-09 06:25:07 -0600 Report

Hi there, well you've been at this a lot longer than me! My words may be repetitive, but for me as the big D disrupted my life I decided I wanted to live life to the fullest and I wouldn't be a statistic and would fight to try to prevent all the complications. The Dr. Says with all that I do it may or not prevent longterm complications, but I have a better chance at it! No we do not have luxuries to eat the cake, I so miss Olive Garden soup and bread all you can eat! I still get angry because I invested a lot to always be on the healthy side for the last 20 years and then this! But you know what those investments got me a ticket to go into this healthy and I am determined to live the life that God promised me. There are no guarantees in life anyone could be here today and gone tomorrow, the key how do you want to feel. You are a Christian and When I get discouraged I have to remember that this has only brought me closer to God and all those whom I Love. This is such an inconvenience, my fingers are sore, my stomach has bruises, I have to pack foods before work, etc…, but how I take care of this does determine how I feel and am able to interact with the world, like you! You said you feel better when you do take care of yourself, so please do so! You are special and although this is such a pain cuz we have always have to be doing something to make sure we are okay, it is something unlike other illnesses that can be under our control! Hope some of this helped! Oh and this site has been my godsend!

Caroltoo 2012-01-08 22:18:03 -0600 Report

Several things have run through my mind as I read your account. I, too, was raised in a Christian home and taught the value and efficacy of prayer. I don't know why sometimes healing occurs and why it doesn't other times. I also learned that God gave us abilities and skills, including the ability to help ourselves by making good choices, and the gift of forgiveness when we fall short. These choices you are making are not positive ones: perhaps he is now as disappointed in your choices, as you are in his lack of intervention.

Your story and experiences are sad, sad for you and your family to have lived through them, and sad to hear you tell about the experience. It is also sad to realize that even though you are a beautiful 24 year old woman with much of life ahead of you, that the decisions you are currently making out of the anger and frustration you feel because of this situation, will also be decisions that, if continued, will radically shorten your life.

I think it comes down to one simple question: do you want to live? If you do, you must decide to turn your justifiable anger into a constructive force that can be used to empower your own healing. No one can do this for you. It is your choice and your power to use it to seek life or accept death. I hope you will choose to take control of your health and seek life. I hope you will live it in the very best and fullest way possible and then, when you are 80, you can look back and say, "I made a very good choice. I chose to live!"

pixsidust 2012-01-08 21:37:51 -0600 Report

I can tell you that I am glad you are reaching out.
Across the miles I throw an arm over your shoulders
to encourage, and give you comfort.

Diabetes is so many things, inconvenient, nuisance, life threatening causing us to change our way of life.

I do not know why God has not healed you
Many things can stand in the way of healing
Its not so automatic and then sometimes it is…

I would tell you no matter what decide to be
who God has called you to be.
Be strong, because in the end of the day
It is up to you to Love and Care for you
I can think of no greater cause than that.

Set some goals for yourself
1st goals must be realistic…something you can do
2nd goals must be measurable how many times a day you test
for example
3rd they must be with a timeline. You want you A1c to below a cetain number by 2 months or 3 months from now

One main goal would be to pause and give yourself a higher priority
Tell those around you your goals and times to check and ask for their help
to remember.

Put a sign up by the alarm so you are not just resetting it,
but see the visual reminder. Have your equipment nearby.
STOP what you are doing right then.
That may be the key because I imagine you saying to yourself
Just a minute and then you forget…I do.

You may for a moment forget you have Diabetes, forgetting
its care but it never forgets you.
Decide to take back control as you are trying by reaching out.
No longer let it control you.
So take times to stop and wrestle it to the ground
and LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Christy

allicat87 2012-01-08 22:01:56 -0600 Report

By no means am I saying I've given up on God, but I'm past the healing phase. I also kinda feel like it was drilled into my head so much that He would heal me, I never fully accepted the fact that maybe I was meant to have this. The main reasons I clear the alarms are because I work retail and it would never fail the darn thing would go off in the middle of an issue with a customer. The funny thing is I also have OCD tendencies but when it comes to diabetes I most definitely do not.

sweetkyfirefly83 2012-01-08 21:22:46 -0600 Report

I was diagnosed at 22. I completely understand the immortal thing. I honestly felt like I was not really sick and I could do what I wanted. But after some scary sugar numbers an A1C of 11 and having all the problems I started caring. Allthough I.still feel broken, damaged and a burden to.my family. All I want is to be healthy, normal and a good wife/ mom. Not having my 8 year old caring for me because I'm having an episode. But us diabetics don't get that luxury. I cant even eat Mg cake at my wedding next year.

You and I seem to have similar stories so if you ever need to talk. Hit me up. :)

allicat87 2012-01-08 22:07:44 -0600 Report

I usually don't feel sick. But since my last doctors appointment on the 30th I have been checking my sugars and doing what I'm actually suppose to be doing and I've noticed how much happier I've been! I don't have any kids but I do have 2 nephews the youngest just turned one and the oldest will be 4 on Tuesday, they may not physically be mine but I love them just like they are. I am also the only Aunt/Uncle they have and would hate for them to lose me. I miss having cake! My family, since I was diagnosed for every birthday no matter whose , we have had cheesecake instead. Less sugar and still sweet!

Caroltoo 2012-01-08 22:27:03 -0600 Report

This is encouraging, Allicat! Children and their beautiful sense of wonder can do so much to keep us grounded in a reason to do what we need to do to heal ourselves.

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