Happy New Year!!! I guess… I am 34 years old and have had type one diabetes since I was 21. Due to my weight they assumed it was type two, despite my age, so in 2006 I had the gastric bi pass and lost around 100lbs, putting me at a very happy 180 at 5'7". I have 2 sons, born after my diagnosis that are 9 and 11. I am divorcing my second husband, not the boy's father and I feel so alone and scared. In 2008, I suffered a misscarriage at 11 weeks due to my diabetes possibly, but that was when I first had diabetic coma problems.
In 2008 after the baby died, no one knew, and my doctors were trying to up my insulin to prepare for my placneta and hormone changes in my second trimester, I began suffering from Diabetic comas. I am assuming that term is just for low sugar. The baby had died at around 8 weeks after an ultra sound had showed us the beautiful little heart beat. I felt invincible. I felt ready to go through another diabetic pregnancy. So since we saw that heatbeat we had a false sence of security about the baby. My body was all hormoney and messed up trying to figure out what to do with this little passed away fetus that we didn't know had died, so even though I was checking my sugars regularly, I would end up going into these comas and ending up with parametic in my room and multiple trips to the er, where no one checked to see if baby was ok. Duh, but anyway, over a two week period I suffered from multiple comas, once 2 trips to the er in one day, and we tried everything. We had the "epi-pen" shot for dropped sugar. We did honey we did it all. Eventually after being horribliy sick for 2 weeks, I lost the baby, and moved on, well it's a process, but comas were never to be heard of again for 4 years… In fact I felt very in tune with my body and low sugar signals, thanks to the er trips and parametic visits.
SOOOOO… that brings me to what I'm here for. I kicked out my second husband, and he moved back home with his family in July. In another state. We are selling out house so that is holding up the divorce… anyway so here I am feeling so sick and tired of being scared. Of being scolded, of feeling like I can't take care of myself.
I just got home from an overnight out of town for new years. I'm dating this great guy. He's really nice and we are great friends, we dated briefly in the summer, and I fell in love so we cooled it and started back dating about 6 weeks ago. So his band is preforming all night at this pub. Wonderful wonderful night. Great party, great times. So we get back to our hotel, that is 3 blocks away from the bar, at around 2 am and he finds out his Dad is in the hospital with a nose bleed, he takes blood thiners, and is obviously upset even though he is very stoic and quiet. So I had 2 beers and a shot of whiskey over about 4 hours time. I check my sugar and it's 49. So I open up my handy dandy snack pack and get out 2 fiber one bars with about 7gr of protien and maybe 27 grams of sugar. I am exhausted, I give though to running down the hall for a coke or something else sugary but, assume I've had enough to be ok.
Next thing I know I'm being moved on to a wheely strecher thing and am going down the hall and elevator to the ambulance. I start saying the F word. Over and over. I realize I have probably blown it with this guy who I really care about, who I am waiting to have feelings for me…and here I am freaking sick. He needs me. He is worried about his Dad. Why does this have to be happening? I'm so freaking sick of everything. Sick of diabetes, sick of sugars, sick of being the cared for. I should be the care taker. I don't want everything to be about me. Seriously. I hate it.
I'm fairly sure one of two things is about to happen, either because of this rediculous shang hi of the attention. He is either going to realize how much he loves me, or the most likely that as much fun as I am , I am too much freaking trouble to bother with. Know what, I'm sick of bother with myself most of the time soon. I miss "normal" so much. I hate diabetes so much.
He of course comes to the hopital in the ambulance, and he is quiet as usual. That is very normal. He asks me very seriously about how much I had to drink at the pub. I was visable drunk at the party, but he was on stage from 9 on except for one or 2 breaks. I had given up any kind of drinking for about 2 months and had 2 guinness and the one shot of Jameson. And a few sips of champagne. Spread out. I told him that. Asked him if he believed me, he said I don't know and clammed back up. I of course was appoligizing so much to him that I was annoying myself, so I stopped.
By the time I got to the hospital my sugar was around 59. I think they said it was 20something in the hotel room. So the quick and dirty is I ended up having a blatter infection or UTI and even though I normally don't drimk and eat smaller spread out meals, obviously low blood sugar. I am usually sort of a small meals kind of girl and apparently my body and sugars are more used to it than I realize.
I'm so tired of feeling like I can't do things. I'm sick of being too much work. I know I take lots of patience and attention. I'm not for everyone, but I feel so mad about this coma thing. I realized in the silence on the way home that I prefer my sugars to be high. Since I live alone when the boys are at thier father's house, having a higher bs, means I don't have to worry about waking up in a pool of sweat in my bed, or not waking up at all. The harder I try to maintain good blood sugar, the harder it is to keep it up out of the gutter. If it's high, i may feel crappier, but atleast I don't have that fear of something happening when no one is here. Seems like no matter how hard I try my sugars are so brittle, that I wake up shakey and dripping wet and terrified that I might have slipped into unconsiousness and not have someone to call the paramedics. I garentee you I will have a bad sugar day after waking that way because I do tend to over compensate when it's been low and I'm scared for it to drop again.
I seem to have developed this defense mecanism, which I realize is destructive to my future and current health, where it's less scary to have high sugars. I'm in some sort of survial mode. It's crapy and I hate it. But i'm not sure how to stop it.
Thanks for listening! I would love some advice.
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