Not in a good mood/Sad

By Gardencricket Latest Reply 2011-12-07 21:08:34 -0600
Started 2011-12-06 21:36:28 -0600

Slowly calming down from the day, still hurting and weak, but that is getting better. I am officially off the pravastatin as my doc agrees with me. I will be starting the other med, Welchol, on Thursday, and sooooooo happy for insurance, as it is costing me $30 copay a month! I can't imagine what it would be like with out insurance. I know that is not so bad, equals a buck a day.

Which brings me around to why I can't sleep again tonight. I KNOW I need to take care of myself and these are serious issues, but now I am spending money on myself and that takes money away from what my family needs daily. We are extremely tight budget, paycheck to paycheck and often times there isn't anything left before the next payday. I know I can't not take my meds. But man, it is making me feel like a failure. My daughter asked earlier if we could get something special as a treat for after school today, and I had to tell her no, which she hears quite often for various reasons, but this time it is because of me. MY copays to the doctors and the meds. I just don't know what to do about that.

I am hoping to keep the scripts spread out over the month so the weekly out of pocket isn't so bad. Also signed up with hubby's insurance for the flex plan to take money out every week. Thinking I need to up it by $10 though.

Not sure how to fix that in the short term, I know by getting healthier it will help in the long run.

I want to scream, vent, cry, run away from everything!! I want to talk to someone face to face and not see judgement, or be afraid that they will think I am nuts!

I am having nightmares, which is common for me, but for the last few weeks they have really turned and been almost nightly. I find myself waking up from these nightmares and of course hubby is not there, he is on his way to work, has to be there by 5 am. Then while I am still in nightmare mode my mind is not thinking clearly and I believe the nightmare has come true and hubby took off and took the kids too!

We have been married for 15 years, in May it will be 16. He is my rock! We have had our ups and downs, and have gone through H*LL and back, but we are not having problems. We talk daily on his breaks at work, I know the time it takes for him to get home to me from work, he rushes to get home! I tell him constantly he should get a hobby, or a few more friends ;) But he swears he wants to be with his family, and I love him dearly for that!

I hate feeling this way, but I don't know what to do about it! I guess I will just have to deal until I figure out what it is :(

6 replies

Caroltoo 2011-12-06 22:18:08 -0600 Report


It's the old oxygen in the airplane thing…take care of yourself so you can take care of the others, but believe me when I say I hear the pain, confusion, and sorrow you are expressing. It is tough and it does hurt when we have to tell our kids "no" because we can't afford something and we do feel quilty when we feel we can't afford it because of our own needs.

About your nightmares…I find sometimes physical changes and medication changes trigger them. You said you've had them before…but they are now more frequent. Another thing to ponder.

You also talk about the twilight time when you are first waking up, when things are always so distorted, and frequently frightening. You mentioned your fear in the dreamworld that your husband and children are gone. It sounds like he is up early, but I wonder if it might not be good for you to go to bed earlier if you need to and then have him wake you up when he gets up so that you won't have that time of fear and uncertainty. Getting up with him might get you day off on more solid footing despite the yawns. When you are past this stage, you can always go back to sleeping in later.

You are going through a lot of change right now. You and your feelings will even out. Things will get better. This is a time of transition, and it will level out in a while. I'm really glad the doc. agreed that you didn't need the statins. You were just in too much pain.


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