Who cares...really?

B_Tran88
By B_Tran88 Latest Reply 2011-11-29 19:29:26 -0600
Started 2011-11-17 01:18:56 -0600

I guess the subject says it best. who cares? I know I gave up a long time ago. I'm trying again but it's hard. Let me tell you a little about myself so you'll understand. My name is Kristi and I'm 23 years old. I was diagnosed with type 1 when I was 4 years old. My parents took great care of me. My blood sugars were consistently in the 400-600s from the time I was diagnosed until 2001. My parents did everything they were supposed to in taking care of me but I had a horrible doctor. He quit increasing my insulin dose because of my age and how much I was getting. In 2001 we moved and I got a new doctor and finally an insulin pump. My blood sugars came down into the 200s then after awhile went back up in the 300-400s. Anyways in high school I took control of my own diabetes and since then it's been a downhill battle.
A few years ago I just gave up on myself. I quit bolusing and quit checking my blood sugars except maybe once a month or so. I started lying to my parents and my doctors because anytime I tried telling my doctor I was just giving up or didn't care they said I would get past it and just start blaming me for always having high blood sugars and A1cs and whatnot so I started lying. Now everyone thinks I'm in pretty good control but the truth is I wouldn't know because I hadn't checked my blood sugar in about 5 months until earlier tonight. In the last 3 hours, I've checked my blood sugar 3 times. Main reason is I was jittery so I thought I was high (which I was) and thought if I brought it down I would be able to sleep before work at 5am. Yet here I am still trying to bring my blood sugar down and I'm not tired at all so I'm ranting I guess.
Anyway back to not caring. My point is that I basically gave up even though people told me all about the complications. My thought was that for almost 20 years my blood sugars have been high so my body has adjusted. well that's a lie. My last appointment in May they found protein in my urine and my opthamologist found wool spots on my eyes. My doctor said if there is still protein in my urine he may put me on blood pressure medication (at 23!!!) to help my kidneys. As for the wool spots, they said it's reversible but since then I haven't done anything. I've totally given up. From my point of view my kidney's have already started to quit so why care. No one in my family does and I have no friends or friends who just don't understand so they wouldn't know to care.
I really want to care again but I have no emotions about this or anything really. I don't know if I'm depressed or what but I just don't care even though I know I'm killing myself slowly. I want to change but I just don't have the strength; I don't have anything to live for to care about or care about me. There's so much stress in my life. I want to care for 2 reasons.
I don't know if these are good reasons to care but here they are
1. I want to get a medic alert tattoo but I take forever to heal now and am afraid if I get a tattoo even a small one it won't heal so it will look like crap.
2. I am planning on going to Africa for a year to work in a medical clinic ( I know kind of ironic since I won't care for myself). I know I have to be in control to live in another country and even for the travel there which will take about 24 hours with the flights/layovers and such.

Anyway, this is pretty much just to rant since there is no one I can talk to. I don't want to burden my parents because they have a lot of stress right now and don't need any more of my problems and I have no friends so that leaves me here to rant and go on about everything and nothing.


14 replies

dietcherry
dietcherry 2011-11-29 19:29:26 -0600 Report

Oh honey it really does sound like youre depressed cuz depression causes inertia and numb feelings. I bet you feel like youre swimming against a tide of redundancy in dealing with D cuz its the same old thing day in and day out. Ive been T1 for almost 32 years. I dont remember what its like NOT to have D. Every day as far back as I recall has been shots, watching what I eat, and checking my blood sugar. Not much room for spontaneity.

My suggestion is you deal with the depression first; if you need an anti-depressant, get on one, sooner rather than later. This will help get you back in the right state of mind to deal with D and start caring about yourself again.

If you want to talk to me I will listen without judgement and offer any advice I have but only if you want it.

Take good care of yourself and you CAN beat this OK? Lots of Love, Renee

melota
melota 2011-11-27 12:01:06 -0600 Report

Finding out I had diabetes was a blow to my already low self esteem,which I have dealt with since age 6, when I started school weighing 100 pounds. I was diagnosed with type 2 in 1991. I am 66 years old now and my weight is 311. My highest was 387.
I just want you to know that I believe you are very much worth success. It is not easy. I am totally addicted to food. I love the taste, smell, textures, and looks of food. My BS is never where it should be, and it is frustrating and at times I feel hopeless and defeated, but I never want to give up. We never know what is waiting just around the corner, and if I give up, I will never know.
I CARE ABOUT YOU. I do not know you and may never meet you, but I care and want you to succeed. I want you to find peace, be in the best health you can be, and be as happy as possible. I ALSO BELIEVE IN YOU. IF NO ONE ELSE CARES, IT IS THEIR PROBLEM. YOU CARE ABOUT YOU. YOU BE IMPORTANT TO YOURSELF, AND SEE WHAT CAN HAPPEN. You may be amazed.

LindseyLou993
LindseyLou993 2011-11-26 21:33:25 -0600 Report

I know how you feel. I am very controlled but some days I just want to give up and I won't check my sugar for awhile.

I describe it to my friends as suddenly having a baby thrown at you. Except it NEVER grows up, you have to support it after 18 years, and if you ignore it it will take your eyes, kidneys, hands, feet and life.

It's a never ending battle but you HAVE to do it.

You NEED to increase your insulin. Insulin insulin insulin.

You can minimize your health problems! You HAVE to believe in yourself! You're way too young to give up.

Personally, I'd rather overshoot insulin. You take too much, you eat a piece of candy. No biggie! Your sugars are high, you linger there and feel terrible.

Stay strong and positive! You have SOO much life left to live!

MrsCDogg
MrsCDogg 2011-11-22 12:34:13 -0600 Report

Here is the way I feel about my situation…I am not the only person who is affected by diabetes. My husband (who is also my best friend), my dog, my dad, my step-mom, my step-daughters, my grandchildren, my step-sister, brother-in-law my two nephews and my friends. They are all affected by what affects me. I have no right to give up and not take care of myself. If I just give up and don't take care of me then I would soon die and there would be a big hole in the lives of all those people. How can I do that to all of those people who love me? The truth is, I can't. I love them all and so I keep on doint what I have to do.
I keep using lines from movies and songs and I know everyone is tired of it but here goes again…From The Shawshank Redemption Andy says…You get busy living or you get busy dying. I choose to get busy living!!

pixsidust
pixsidust 2011-11-19 01:13:43 -0600 Report

Its not enough to say We care or your parents care. You care! For what ever reason you have pushed being a Diabetic out of your mind. I can see where you might be weary of the fight. Don't fight, just take the opportunity you have today, to make tomorrow better. That starts with planning your success. Plan your meals, plan your day and your time. Shop and think ahead. Plan for your cravings and weaknesses. Investigate if this clinic will have the resources to keep you supplied with your insulin and refrigeration. Be practical and put yourself first for a change. Don't give up…Plan!

jayabee52
jayabee52 2011-11-19 01:51:32 -0600 Report

You're right Pixi!

If she really didn't care she would not have posted such a long original posting.
I don't think she would have posted at all if she didn't care.

Please B Tran, come back and rant/vent some more!

Mickey/CCHT
Mickey/CCHT 2011-11-18 08:40:01 -0600 Report

You are so young to have gone thru so much. I'm very sorry to hear that. Life sure is not fair and you have defintely been dealt a crappy hand! But you need to know that even though you feel alone, you are not. We are here, you have reached out and that is a good sign, the first step so to speak.

I was in denial for a year before my body gave me a wake up call. Now i know that is not the same, it is just a point of reference. Because now i have decided i want better. It has been over a month and i'm still battling high bs #'s even though i have totally cut out all the bad things i was eating and replaced them with healthy foods. I take my med's like i'm supposed too and have even lost some weight, but still have high #'s. But i refuse to give up. We have to fight. You just need to find what is going to work for you.

Have you checked around to see about finding a better doctor? Have you looked into seeing a holstic doctor also? I'm going to see one in the new year. I will still have my regular doc, but i don't want to have to rely on synthetic meds alone. Also i would suggest, if you can, seeing a nutrionist(sp?) or a dietican. And also seeking counceling and or group therapy or support group for diabetics. You can check with your local health dept or hospital to see who is offering these things in your area.

Knowledge is key, the more you know, the better off you will be. Obviously I don't know if you have done any of these things, but if you have not, it might be worth it to look into.

And know that we are here also. Please feel free to vent, rant ask ?'s or seek advice. There are a lot of wonderful people here who care. I'm going to pray for you. Please remember you are not alone. Jesus walks with you, you can lean on him.
God Bless you, Mickey

P.S. Hope you become part of our DC family, please visit my site and request to be a friend. I would love to be here for you if you choose too. Blessings

lifedriver
lifedriver 2011-11-17 17:19:55 -0600 Report

I can feel your hurt however, don't give up yet to be so young and have been thru so much I know it is difficult to see pass the smoke but sometime just around the corner is the help we need. Don't give up!!!!!!! A cure is coming soon so LIVE…You have a lot to offer

realsis77
realsis77 2011-11-17 11:22:32 -0600 Report

whoa! Honey, you are still very YOUNG and you have your whole life ahead of you! Its up to YOU how you want to live that life. You are at a crossroads, if YOU dont start taking care of your diabetes, it WILL give you complcations!!!! Sadly its all up to YOU. Its NOT TOO LATE to start careing for YOURSELF. no one else can do it for you!! as I mentioned about the crossroads, life is a series of choices and if YOU choose to let yourself you YOU will suffer for it. If YOU choose to start careing about yourself and get your diabetes in check YOU CAN LIVE A HAPPY HEALTHY LIFE!!! its all up to YOU. also, i might suggest you go talk to your doctor about depression. I am personally on depression medication and its made ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD in my life. I see you have depression, again its up to YOU to do something about it. I think if you get some help with your depression your thoughts will become clearer and you will start to take better care of yourself!!or you can just ignore what ive said and continue on a path of distruction… sadly I cant do it for you… YOU must go get the help you need!!!! i pray you make the right choices and choose to care for yourself rather than let yourself go. WHO CARES?? YOU SHOULD CARE!!!!!! Again if you dont your NOT thinking clearly and YOU NEED HELP. again YOU must go look for the help!!! I PRAY YOU go get the help YOU need and start taking better care of YOURSELF because YOU DO have your whole life ahead of you!!! you might not see it now but its up to YOU what you make of that like. so please make the right choices for yourself!!! ITS ALL UP TO YOU, no one else can do it for you. You are an adult now and its important YOU take care of YOURSELF!!! so, first id look for help with the depression. once your thinking is clearer you will understand how important it is to take care of YOURSELF!! so who cares??? YOU should care!!!!!! please take my advice, its from someone who has been there… trust me. Only YOU can make it better…Please make the right choices…

Caroltoo
Caroltoo 2011-11-17 02:23:36 -0600 Report

Wow, there is a lot of pain in your rant. With that kind of history, I can sure understand why you would feel like giving up and yet right now you are doing things that show you haven't. You are taking your BG reading to see if you can bring it down because you want to get up tomorrow morning to go to work. For future goals, you want a medic alert tattoo and to be a medic in Africa.

You need to get some control to get to those goals of yours. Forget what mom, dad, and the doctor did or didn't do…this is about you getting what you want out of life. If you are going to get to Africa, you will need to make decisions to care for yourself so that you can go. I really hope you will start doing so. At 22, no one else can do it for you, it's really up to you.

I can tell you, for sure, that those of us here on site will be supportive of you if you make the decision to try. I can also say with some certainty that you will have times when you backslide because that's what we've all done from time to time. It's not a straight uphill climb, it's more of a journey over peaks and then through valleys, but the long range trajectory is upwards towards our goal of a happy and fulfilling life. You might consider starting over with a new doctor and being totally honest with him. He'll have knowledge we don't have. You need him too on this healing journey.

I really hope you decide to keep trying to save yourself like you have done tonight. Please take care and keep in touch with us.

Carol

Old-n-Grey-n-Wiser
Old-n-Grey-n-Wiser 2011-11-17 05:36:29 -0600 Report

A very good reply Carol, right from the heart. B-Tran88 please listen as Carol as well as most of the rest of us DO CARE about you and what happens to you and want you succeed in life.

Tom

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