I guess the subject says it best. who cares? I know I gave up a long time ago. I'm trying again but it's hard. Let me tell you a little about myself so you'll understand. My name is Kristi and I'm 23 years old. I was diagnosed with type 1 when I was 4 years old. My parents took great care of me. My blood sugars were consistently in the 400-600s from the time I was diagnosed until 2001. My parents did everything they were supposed to in taking care of me but I had a horrible doctor. He quit increasing my insulin dose because of my age and how much I was getting. In 2001 we moved and I got a new doctor and finally an insulin pump. My blood sugars came down into the 200s then after awhile went back up in the 300-400s. Anyways in high school I took control of my own diabetes and since then it's been a downhill battle.
A few years ago I just gave up on myself. I quit bolusing and quit checking my blood sugars except maybe once a month or so. I started lying to my parents and my doctors because anytime I tried telling my doctor I was just giving up or didn't care they said I would get past it and just start blaming me for always having high blood sugars and A1cs and whatnot so I started lying. Now everyone thinks I'm in pretty good control but the truth is I wouldn't know because I hadn't checked my blood sugar in about 5 months until earlier tonight. In the last 3 hours, I've checked my blood sugar 3 times. Main reason is I was jittery so I thought I was high (which I was) and thought if I brought it down I would be able to sleep before work at 5am. Yet here I am still trying to bring my blood sugar down and I'm not tired at all so I'm ranting I guess.
Anyway back to not caring. My point is that I basically gave up even though people told me all about the complications. My thought was that for almost 20 years my blood sugars have been high so my body has adjusted. well that's a lie. My last appointment in May they found protein in my urine and my opthamologist found wool spots on my eyes. My doctor said if there is still protein in my urine he may put me on blood pressure medication (at 23!!!) to help my kidneys. As for the wool spots, they said it's reversible but since then I haven't done anything. I've totally given up. From my point of view my kidney's have already started to quit so why care. No one in my family does and I have no friends or friends who just don't understand so they wouldn't know to care.
I really want to care again but I have no emotions about this or anything really. I don't know if I'm depressed or what but I just don't care even though I know I'm killing myself slowly. I want to change but I just don't have the strength; I don't have anything to live for to care about or care about me. There's so much stress in my life. I want to care for 2 reasons.
I don't know if these are good reasons to care but here they are
1. I want to get a medic alert tattoo but I take forever to heal now and am afraid if I get a tattoo even a small one it won't heal so it will look like crap.
2. I am planning on going to Africa for a year to work in a medical clinic ( I know kind of ironic since I won't care for myself). I know I have to be in control to live in another country and even for the travel there which will take about 24 hours with the flights/layovers and such.
Anyway, this is pretty much just to rant since there is no one I can talk to. I don't want to burden my parents because they have a lot of stress right now and don't need any more of my problems and I have no friends so that leaves me here to rant and go on about everything and nothing.
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